A Way Beyond the Rainbow

#81 - For Parents and Families (III): On the Work of Relational Healing

February 28, 2022 Aadam Ali and Waheed Jensen Season 5 Episode 16
A Way Beyond the Rainbow
#81 - For Parents and Families (III): On the Work of Relational Healing
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

This is part III of a 4-episode series dedicated to parents and family members of individuals experiencing gender nonconformity, same-sex attractions (SSA) and/or gender dysphoria (GD).

In this episode, Aadam and I discuss practical tips and advice for parents and families of individuals experiencing SSA and GD, and we tackle proper communication skills and conflict resolution techniques. To what extent are time, touch and talk important in the lives of children, adolescents and young adults, and how can I offer that? How and why should the same-sex parent become more invested and the opposite-sex parent take two steps back? If my son is rejecting me, how can I, as a father, rebuild my relationship with him? Why are hands-on activities, sports and physical roughhousing necessary in the lives of boys and men, and how can we invite them to participate in these activities? How do we know if what we're doing is right and the level of intervention is appropriate? If I am a single mom or a single dad, how can I best guarantee the proper gender development of my opposite-sex child? How can I improve my communication skills with my child, resolve conflicts with them and learn more about their love language? These and other relevant questions are explored in this episode.

References used in this episode:
- Gay Children, Straight Parents: A Plan for Family Healing by Richard Cohen
- A Parent's Guide To Preventing Homosexuality by Joseph Nicolosi and Linda Ames Nicolosi

Other references mentioned in the episode:
- Scene from the movie, Good Will Hunting
- The Five Love Languages book by Dr. Gary Chapman
- The Five Love Languages Quiz
- "Knowing Your Child's Love Language" - summary document

Waheed  00:38
Assalamu alaikom warahmatullahi ta’ala wabarakatuh, and welcome back to “A Way Beyond the Rainbow”, this podcast series dedicated to Muslims experiencing same-sex attractions who want to live a life true to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala and Islam. I'm your host, Waheed Jensen, and thank you guys for joining me in today's episode. And joining me again is my dear friend Aadam, who has been with me in the past two episodes in our series dedicated to parents and family members. Assalamu alaikom, Aadam!

Aadam  01:04
Wa alaikom assalam. 

Waheed  01:05
How are you? 

Aadam  01:06
I'm good, how are you? 

Waheed  01:08
I'm doing well, alhamdulillah, and excited to be presenting the content of this episode with you, because today's episode is going to focus on practical tips and advice for parents and family members of individuals who experience same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria. As you guys remember, in the previous two episodes, we started this sequence by talking about personal healing for parents and family members, that will be the first step. And then, in the previous episode, we spoke about basic concepts and foundations that are necessary to kind of understand before we delve into the practical tips and advice and we do the actual work in relational healing. 

So, in this episode, inshaAllah, we will offer general advice for parents and family members, we encourage you to adapt this advice based on your child's or your siblings age group. You know, of course, it's different depending on your personal context. You know your individual circumstances, of course, this is in no way kind of like a thumb rule or comprehensive in any way, you just have to kind of see what resonates with you, and hopefully adapt accordingly. Depends on your experiences, of course, external influences, your lifestyle, your life circumstances, etc., and we also encourage you to involve others in the process, as we will elaborate today, inshaAllah, like therapists or counselors, support groups, other family members, and so on. 

So, the first half of the episode is going to be focused on practical advice to parents and siblings and family members on how to deal with the child or the adolescent who experiences same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria, and then the second half is going to be focused on communication skills and talking about your child's love language. 

There are things that parents and family members can do to begin gaining access to their loved one’s heart and soul again. And this is not easy, and it will take time, of course. No one can tell you exactly how long, since every person and situation are unique. But the important point here is that you must be consistent in your efforts as parents and family members. Consistency and perseverance will produce long-lasting changes. So do everything that you can, and do everything that you know how to do, and leave the rest up to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala. And of course, it goes without saying that we ask Allah to help us with every step of the way, right? That is the beginning, the middle and the end. Alright, so, let's get started with today's episode, inshaAllah!

03:46
The first advice that we would like to give you: Parents, please address any marital problems that you may have. All too often, a bad marriage contributes to the kid’s confusion, right? We addressed this in the previous episode. For example, a boy grows up seeing his mom being abused, he starts thinking less of men, or he is afraid of men, and he has a distorted perception of masculinity, and he feels that men are jerks or they're worthless, right? They cannot be trusted, for example. Or a girl becomes afraid of men, and she attaches more to her mother. And so on and so forth. A lot of the issues that happen in the household, they definitely affect children, whether you believe that or not, or whether you think that that is not affecting them, it's probably doing that without you even realizing that. Sometimes it doesn't have to be like overt abuse, maybe sometimes the mother did not make it clear that she values masculinity in the eyes of the child. Or maybe one of the parents actually belittled the child's attempts at owning their gender identity, right? So many different scenarios can actually happen. But in a scenario where mom and dad are constantly fighting, one way that dad can actually get even with mom is by emotionally abandoning their son, and so on and so forth. There are tons of examples and tons of different situations. 

The advice here is: Please, please, please work on your marriage and relationship if there are issues between you and your spouse. There's no shame in that. There's no shame involving therapy or counseling, getting marital or couples therapy, involving a third party that is trusted, whether it's a family member, or an imam, or a counselor, community leader, whoever can help you with that, please do that, if that is within your capacity, because you're not only helping yourself, but you’re also helping your family members. You know, we always talk about intergenerational trauma - please be the person who breaks that cycle, and this is within your responsibility, this is within your capacity, and you're going to be held accountable for that. So please do your best. Allah does not hold you accountable for more than you can bear. What is within your capacity that you're able to change? Please do that. Alright? Get help. And this is very important.

Aadam  05:57
In addition to that, Richard Cohen talks about the importance of “time, touch and talk”, and he actually elaborates on this quite a lot in his book, and he says that love is nurtured in three ways - spending time together, healthy physical touch, and talking. So, if we talk about the importance of spending time together, children love spending time with their parents and doing things together. It's one way to bond and create memories together. So, when dealing with your child, it's important that you focus on the time between the same-sex parent and the child. So what we mean is fathers and sons, and mothers and daughters, it's important that they spend the time together. That's where the healing and repair needs to take place. 

And “touch”, touch is incredibly important as well, every person, especially children, crave to be held, hugged, caressed, stroked, and touched. Sensitive children need this even more. Fathers, you need to do this with your sons. Now, this may be foreign to you as a father, but is essentially important. If you find this difficult, remember this: Your son will get physical touch either from you or from their boyfriend or romantic interest. Who would you rather it was from? And the same has to be said about mothers and their daughters. So, it's very important to remember this, and we could not tell you the number of people in the community, in the SSA and gender dysphoria community, who are seeking touch in all the wrong places. And when you talk to them, it is heartbreaking, because they, more often than not, they never received it from their parents. So don’t take this lightly, parents, please. 

Waheed  07:47
Yeah, absolutely brilliant that you actually brought this up. Because, as you said, the community, more often than not, you know, the people that we speak with who struggle with SSA or gender dysphoria, they’re touch deprived. And honestly, people judge us right and left, but a lot of times what they're looking for is not sex when they try to go on a hookup, let's say, or want to meet up with someone, most often than not, it's not about sex. Generally, the majority of cases, it's not about that. It's about being hugged and touched and just held. You know, and it's so heartbreaking, subhan Allah. So please, you know, as Aadam was saying, please hug your children, love them, give them that physical attention, because that's important. We cannot, you know, overstate that.

Aadam  08:32
Yeah, absolutely. I completely agree. And then the third aspect that Richard Cohen talks about is “talk”, communication is oxygen for any relationship and, without that, the relationship will not thrive and eventually might even die. So, it's very important to talk with your child, to tell him about yourself, and to listen to him talk about himself or herself. Learn who they are, and let them learn who you are. You don't need to problem solve or fix issues for them, you just have to be there to listen. And doing these things will create a sense of belonging, love and value in your child that they might otherwise lack. They will begin to feel like they actually matter, and they're valued as part of your family, and that what they feel and think is worth being heard, and that they should express themselves, and it's safe to do so. They will begin feeling belonging and awareness of being wanted and cared for, and a competence to face the challenges of life. These are very basic things, and without them, it makes adult life very difficult for these people, and we say this from experience. So please, like communication is, I mean, all three of these are equally important, but just on the point of communication, it is essentially important.

Waheed  09:51
For sure, and we'll talk about communication skills in the second half of this episode, inshaAllah, and in detail. But yeah, basically the three T's that you mentioned: Time, touch and talk. Please focus on these three T's. Give them time, give them physical touch and communicate with them. 

Another piece of advice is to find out about your child's interests. So, if you already know what your child likes, then that's amazing. Use that knowledge to spend time with them, do the things that they enjoy, right? Now, if you don't know their interests, make it a priority to find out about that. Ask them, ask their friends, etc., and use those interests to do things together. Remember the importance of spending time again, you know, one of the three T's is time, spending time together, do the things that your kids love to do. Kids love this, because it provides them a space to bond with you as a parent, and the emphasis, again, is on the same-sex parent, that spending time together here is very important. 

And then when you do activities together and spend time with each other, use this opportunity to shower your child with praise and affirmation and love. A lot of us who struggle with same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria, we struggle with our sense of self-worth and self-esteem and our self-perception, and so we are more in need of affirmation than most kids. So how do you do that? You can just simply say, “You are a handsome boy”, “You are a beautiful girl”, “You're so good at this and this and that”, “I love you so much!” Please say this as much as you can and mean it, “I love you so much”, “I adore you”, “You mean so much to me”, “You are so special to me”, “I love spending time with you.” And, remember, the more sensitive the child, the more the praise and affirmation that they will need. And probably, at the beginning, if you've had a strenuous relationship, or you've been distant for quite some time, and you start doing that, they're going to fight back, or maybe they won't believe you, or they're just going to make fun of you. It doesn't matter. Please keep doing that; the more consistent you are, the more you'll start to kind of peel through the layers and get to their heart, and this is what we need. 

Stay consistent and be patient. It may take time for them to receive and internalize your words. But please never give up, never stop, especially at the beginning when they might be kind of opposed, or they might not like it, or they might tell you to stop or whatever. Please do not stop or give up. Again, we spoke about this in detail in the previous episode, a lot of people with same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria, they kind of have a sense of inferiority with respect to their own gender identity or with respect to their same-sex peers. Please do activities that help them affirm their gender identity, this is important, as well as doing the things that your child likes. So, for example, fathers can do male-typical things, and mothers can do female-typical things with their daughters. You know, like a father and son can go to the gym together, they can go out like fishing, camping, whatever activities that the child likes to do. Mothers and daughters can go out shopping together, they can do like activities that women like to do. We're not going to be stereotypical here, so don't worry! Whatever you and your child like to do, but most importantly, focus on what your child's interests are. Maybe a boys’ night in, or a girls’ night in, whatever works and whatever your child likes, that's what's important.

Aadam  13:13
Yeah, and another piece of advice, and we've already touched on this when we talked about the three T's - time, touch and talk - specifically for the same-sex parent, and that is to display the appropriate level of physical affection. We already sort of touched on the reasons why, but I think it's important to emphasize this point again. Many children who have same-sex attraction and/or gender dysphoria have been touch deprived and crave it very, very badly. Same-sex parents, it's time for you to step in and up to fill this void for your son or daughter. You may not have had parents who were physically affectionate, so it may be an alien concept or thing to do. However, it's time to interrupt the pattern and do this for your child. Many individuals with SSA and/or gender dysphoria are often touch-oriented but touched deprived, so they need to touch more perhaps than other kids, but they don't get it. And touch may even be their primary love language, which we'll talk about as well in some more detail later, but they haven't really experienced it in healthy ways, and, as a result, seek it in unhealthy ways. Essentially, they crave same sex bonding. So, reach out to your child and let them know you want to express love more physically, and then start doing it by, for example, hugging, caressing, stroking, kissing, holding and so on. 

You can just ask your child if you can hug them, and allow them to receive, and don't ask for them to give you. And this is important to help them set their own boundaries and realize that they’re in control of this, that nobody can access them without their permission, and that's very, very important. You give to them, allow them to receive as they ought to. And, parents, be under no doubt that your child needs this, this is so important. It can be a matter of life and death, and we're not just saying that to be dramatic. It is so important. The number of people we speak with who go through such turmoil because of the lack of physical affection, subhan Allah, it’s heartbreaking. 

And many of us with SSA and gender dysphoria desire the unconditional love and affirmation of our same-sex parents and peers, and honestly, like we would melt in the arms of a loving embrace from a same-sex parent or peer. You can embed this new way of showing love into rituals. So, for example, in the morning, before you leave for work or school, before bedtime, when you pass by one another at home, you can hug or high five, or give out a quick kiss on the cheek, do whatever works for you or your situation. So much of this bonding should have taken place during the early years, but it's absolutely not too late to make up for lost time. And if you struggle with intimacy, then reach out to trusted friends, elders, imams, anybody in the community like that you can trust to help you out with this. You might need to experience physical touch to actually be capable of giving it back, and that's totally fine. Moms and dads, your baby needs you to give him/her what they need and make them feel safe, welcome, loved, and as though they have a place where they belong.

Waheed  16:34
Absolutely, beautifully said. We cannot really highlight this any more than that. It's very, very important, and I hope that the message is getting through, that this is very important, subhan Allah. 

But, you know, a couple of words of caution: There are instances when it might not be advisable to initiate physical touch, such that if the child has been physically or sexually abused, or if they experienced an emotionally incestuous relationship - we've talked about emotional incest previously in season four of this podcast. What it means - emotional incest - is when there is like, usually it's with the opposite-sex parent, usually it's the mother and the son, but regardless, it's when one of the parents does not have any emotional boundaries with their kid, such that they dump a lot of their emotional problems on that kid, they tell them things that kids should not be able to know at that level, maybe like marital problems, the mother is going through issues, she dumps a lot of these issues on her kid, right? There are no emotional boundaries, there's like an enmeshed relationship. And, in this case, there might be a lot of resentment and anger towards the same-sex parent for not protecting them from this incestuous relationship, as in “emotional incest”. That I might be angry at my dad because he did not protect me from my mom and her overbearing/emotionally dumping attitude. Usually, maybe the mom was not getting what she needed from the marriage at an emotional level, so she began to use her son or her children to fill the void, and this has long lasting psychosexual impacts on the child. Even though the intentions of the mom may not have been wrong, but it's like she's creating a substitute spouse out of her child or her children. So that's in the case of emotional incest. 

In the case where physical boundaries were violated, like physical or sexual assault, it's a good idea, of course, to involve a therapist to help work through these issues. Also with emotional incestuous relationships, if that is discovered, then please also involve a counselor or therapist to help you through that. 

In addition to that, sometimes, you might discover that your child is not touch-oriented. You will need to figure out whether your child is not touch oriented, meaning that they're not really interested in touch, you can take the “Five Love Languages” quiz, which we'll do later, to discover if maybe touch is one of their love languages or not. Sometimes, they might actually be defensively detached from you, and we elaborated more on this in season one, as well as in the previous episode. If they're defensively detached from the same-sex parent, any advances that you make they will reject, because of the deep hurt and abandonment they feel from you. 

So, it is important to kind of identify where your child stands in terms of all of these scenarios. So, if your child experiences abuse or emotional incest or if he/she is not touch oriented, your efforts to initiate a physical touch may be viewed negatively and may be considered manipulation and a way to avoid dealing with the issues at hand. Now, in each of these three examples, it may be strongly advisable to get professional support and navigate through this. It's not easy, of course, but, ultimately, your interests should be those of your child. It's not what you want, it's what your child wants. Please keep this front and center. And keep asking yourself at any time you are in doubt, “Is this serving me or my child's interests?” And this is kind of the litmus paper through which you can evaluate how to move forward or to what extent what you're doing is appropriate or not. 

And, again, as we said earlier, expect rejection. There's going to be a lot of rejection. Brace yourself that there’s going to be that. You may still experience rejection even though your child may not have been physically or sexually abused, they were not in an emotionally incestuous relationship, or they're not touch oriented, they may still reject your affection, and you will experience some resistance. Maybe they're experiencing a lot of hurt. Maybe they're asking themselves, “Where were you when I needed you?” Maybe “Too little too late!” Or maybe they’re kind of defiant, they're like, “I'm not going to let you in”, or whatever else. You need to persist no matter what, at an appropriate level, of course. Never stop. You have to show them that you truly care and you want to love them. You have to keep going until you can get past their defenses. You will get there, inshaAllah, but it needs some time, patience and hard work. 

And, of course, again, we kind of remind us and all of you, we cannot do this without the help of Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala. So please keep praying that Allah opens things up for you. But you have to do your part, we have tawakkul, which involves doing the best that we can and leaving the rest up to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala. And, again, think of your children as someone who is really hurt and dealing with pain. And even if your child is an adolescent or an adult, think of them as that little boy or little girl who needs your love and attention and affection and care.

Aadam  21:42
Yep. So we've talked about the same-sex parent and what they should do with regards to obviously touch and just in that context of how they can support the child. So, what about the opposite-sex parent? This is where we would tell the opposite-sex parent and advise them to take two steps back. What do we mean by this? A good metaphor for the opposite-sex parent in this context is being a copilot in the parenting relationship. So, when dealing with your child, the same-sex parent must lead. The opposite-sex parent, it’s time for you to take a backseat. Now, it's possible that your child may feel uneasy at this new change, since it's likely that the opposite-sex parent has a closer relationship with the child. However, you should use that to reassure your child. So, it's important that you don't like ego get in the way of this, and think about your child first. It's very important for them to establish a healthy bond with the same-sex parent. Reassure them that your relationship (i.e. the relationship between the opposite-sex parent and child) will not be at risk, and that mom or dad will be more involved in their [i.e. the child’s] life, and encourage them to engage and participate. So, encourage the child and reassure them and make them feel at ease.

Opposite-sex parent, you can act as the bridge between the two parties, and at the same time, you can encourage the same-sex parent to reach out, to speak, to listen, to touch, to spend time, to talk, to do activities together with the same-sex child. Also, opposite-sex parent, your role may also need to be to encourage your spouse - they may need reminders, consistency and encouragement from you to do this, especially when we're dealing with fathers. Unfortunately, they're sometimes more resistant to do these things, and you may need to be that support in this dynamic and through this process. But be careful not to nag or coerce. Let any suggestions that you make be loving. And you have an excellent opportunity to facilitate the healing process, whilst staying out of the dynamic that needs to develop between the same-sex parent and child. 

Do everything you can to bring your child and spouse together, and, quite literally, their future depends on it. So, it's very important that you realize you do need to take a step back, but there's still so much that you can do. And it's worth mentioning instances where the same-sex parents are unwilling or unable to give their child that affection, love and connection that they need, and this can be very frustrating for the spouse who's trying to support the healing process between the father and son, or the mother and daughter. If this is the case, if the same-sex parent is unable to give love, then do not force it. This is particularly more common, as we said, amongst men who don't know how to be emotional. In this case, it's better to spend your time seeking mentors and role models for your child who can and are willing to offer the same-sex connection that your child needs. So, reach out to community leaders, trusted friends and family to help you if you don't know where to start. And, oftentimes, uncles and grandparents, cousins, nephews, friends, imams, counselors, social workers, they may be able to offer your child the same-sex connection that they need. So don't lose hope here. It's just a challenge, inshaAllah, that can be overcome. 

And whilst your role as an opposite-sex parent may be one of the facilitator, enabler and copilot, there's so much that you can do from the sidelines to support your child. Remember to affirm your child through positive words and recognize the progress that they're making. Comment positively on their manliness or womanliness, make it a point to mention it to them. And be mindful of how you speak about the opposite-sex parent - do not denigrate or diminish them. And this goes back to the marital issues part; if that's something that's commonplace, it needs to stop. Your opinions are important and will shape how your opposite-sex child perceives the same-sex parent and peers, especially during the adolescent years. So, speak well of one another as spouses and exchange love, demonstrate to your children what love should be, and finally, make sure your child is not carrying a burden of feeling like they need to look after you. Speak with them, and if they feel this way, then free them of it. Tell them they do not need to worry about you.

Waheed  26:14
Absolutely, especially if they've taken on the role of the “caretaker”, for whatever reason, they've developed a codependent relationship, it's necessary to kind of address this, because a lot of us feel that, as boys, we needed to be there for mom, we needed to take care of her. Please address this, tell them that it's okay, “You don't need to take care of me, I can take care of myself. We want to be here to support you, you can just rest now.” Sometimes this is a burden that we hold on to, that we don't even realize that we are kind of taking on these roles, or even mothers sometimes might not even realize it, because it's like a subconscious interaction. So yeah, it's very important to address this. Yeah, absolutely.

27:02
With regards to opposite-sex parents, we're going to focus a little bit now on fathers of males who struggle with same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria. There is a special focus on this category because it affects a huge portion of us. Again, you know, a father wants to engage his son and realizes that the son is kind of hesitant to take part in activities that the father wants to engage him in. But, you know, they remain important. We're going to be persistent; the father is going to try his best, he’s going to be patient, he’s going to put in the hard work, we need to do this. A trait that is common to fathers of men who struggle with same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria seems to be an inability to correct any relational problems with their sons. What do we mean by this? Rather than extending themselves to their sons and connecting with them, they seem inclined to retreat, avoid and feel hurt by their sons. Many fathers feel rejected by their sons. 

Now, of course, probably all fathers, at one time or another, felt rejected by their sons. But the difference is that the father of the boy with potential or actual SSA or gender dysphoria is likely the kind of man who accepts that rejection and throws up his hands and fails to reach out to try to understand and to break through the child's resistance. Or, in some cases, maybe other family members are actively sabotaging that father-son relationship, but that's kind of a minority of cases. Let's just focus on the father-son relationship, that dynamic. Now, for whatever reason, the father fails to get past that block, and instead, he settles for alienation and silence and rejection. Please don't do that. If you are finding it so difficult, please get help from counselors, therapists, imams, family members, trusted people to help you navigate that. But please be persistent. This is your responsibility. We cannot stress this anymore. You need to reach out to your son and persist. 

How do we do that? There are lots of examples that we can give. So, you need a hands-on relationship with your sons. This is very important to understand. We, as men, relate by doing things. This is how Allah created us. Men relate by doing. An example of an activity that you can do with your sons is a kind of “physical aggression”. We don't mean violence, but it's like, you know, activities that help you break the timidity and the shyness that's associated with boys who are maybe gender disturbed or gender confused. It's an effective means through which you can bond with your sons. This can be done for example, on a living room rug, or in the family room. What you do is encourage that boy to allow his “wild boy” to break through. We all have that part of us, right? You know, you can play the weak person, and you allow that son to kind of feel tough, strong and aggressive. You wrestle with your son, you tickle them, you wrestle with them, you become “aggressive”, but not violent, but like you're playing around, you need to have physical contact, you need to engage in physical activity with your son, there is a huge emphasis in the psychological literature on roughhousing, because the normal childhood connection with men is what usually was lacking in many adult men who struggle with homosexuality, transgenderism, or gender dysphoria. Men and boys, again, connect best through doing any sort of physical competition or any shared activity, and if it is experienced as something that is fun, it will facilitate the father-son bonding. 

Of course, if your child does not enjoy that, there's no point in doing that, specifically at the beginning. But rough and tumble play, like wrestling, is very important between father and son. Now, if there is a physical disability that is affecting the father or affecting the son, this should not be detrimental to the son's development. You can display physical affection that is appropriate to your son given your ability or his ability. You need to kind of adapt based on the individual context. If you can display physical affection but you cannot participate in rough and tumble play, perhaps that kind of activity can actually come from, let's say, a brother or someone else that you trust. What is important is that you need to have a male figure who engages in those kinds of activities with that boy in an appropriate and healthy atmosphere. This is what's important here. 

Another kind of activity that is very important is to actually go swimming with your son, and even involve other family members who are males. Go out with your son, take his siblings with him, take other male family members or community members and go out swimming. Why is swimming important? Because it helps demystify the male physique. This is best begun when your son is small, because boys approaching puberty will be shy about their semi-nakedness. What swimming does is that it helps foster a common and relaxed and anatomically based identity. Also, it may be helpful to emphasize to your son, if he is still very young, the realities of his own biological makeup, particularly that he possesses a penis, that it is a healthy and normal aspect of who he is. There's no shame in that, this is what differentiates us from women, you know, age-appropriate conversations. 

So, fathers need to be actively involved in the educational process. This is very important. You need to stress to your child that this anatomical reality that Allah created us with makes the boy just like other boys, right? Again, you're going back to making the child feel that he is just like other boys. More importantly, sometimes gender confused boys, whether they struggle with potential same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria, they may have problems with their gender identity and what have you, they may have a subconscious wish to deny that they have male genitalia. So, if you, as a father, in a healthy and appropriate way, impress on your son that he has male genitals, that there is no shame in that, on the contrary, this is something that is given to us by Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, that this makes you beautiful, that it makes you fulfill your duty in life, that women have their own anatomy, and men have their own anatomy, this is what Allah created us with, and this has its purpose in life. Of course, it depends on the age of the child. That kind of dispels any fantasies regarding any feminine or androgynous imaginations that your child might have. The boy's male body is the one reality, the one undisputed part of himself that proves his masculinity, and it distinguishes him from mom, from sister, from other women. It is a symbol that he is indeed like Dad, and there's no shame surrounding that. In fact, it makes you just like other boys, right? 

These conversations are very important. I mean, just going through this, subhan Allah, this content, it made me wish that, man… It made me wish that, subhan Allah, a lot of us would have had these experiences at a very young age, it would have made a huge difference, subhan Allah.

Aadam  34:57
Yeah, agreed, subhan Allah. And, in addition to that, it's important that the father and son have trips out of the house where it is just them. These are incredibly helpful. So even if it's just basic things like routine errands to the store, or filling the car up with fuel, and perhaps letting the son actually fill the car with fuel, these types of small engagements are incredibly helpful. These quick trips can communicate a feeling of special togetherness, you know, buying ice cream and engaging him in discussion, something that he enjoys, and making the errand fun. These are like the valuable moments that kids remember, and I'm sure we all have those moments that we remember from when we went shopping, and we just got the sweetie that we wanted, the candy or ice cream or whatever it might have been. 

Waheed  35:56
Exactly. Fathers, if you're running an errand, don't run it alone. If you can, please take your son with you. Whether it's going to the grocery store or going to the office to pick up something or whatever, just take your son with you, if that's possible. That would really be great.

Aadam  36:12
Exactly, and just being there with him is a communication itself, that you're important and that he wants you there with him. It doesn't have to even be anything grand. Again, at bedtime, dad should be the last person to tuck the son into bed; while mum may participate, dad should be the last one to say “good night” and then turn off the lights. Especially for younger children, bedtime can bring the feelings of vulnerability and anxiety that show themselves in dependence and even clinginess. The father should be the one to provide emotional comfort and reassurance, after a period of quiet bedside prayer or Qur’an reading or just conversation, or maybe even touching, maybe hugging or maybe lying with your son or whatever it might be. Bed time is an excellent opportunity to do that.

And, again, we can't emphasize this enough: Physical touch and hugs, and we've already talked about this so much, we can't emphasize it enough. It's so important to constantly hug and touch and bond, where it's appropriate, and obviously we mentioned exceptions where this might not be the best idea. But where it's okay to do this, a child's strongly negative reaction to attempts by you to affirm his authentic gender is an indication that professional counseling is called for. Signs that you should seek professional guidance and assistance include: prolonged sadness, anger, hurt, resentment, anxiety, and fearful preoccupation - a society of touch deprived boys who grow up longing to be held by a man. If the need to be touched and held isn't met in childhood, it doesn't just go away because a boy grows into a man. For us, the desire is so primal and so long denied that some of us have sought that with sex with other men, at times, when all that we really wanted was to be held. And, as we said before, the number of stories are just endless, subhan Allah, when we speak with other people in the SSA community, this is so common, and it's so tragic, it’s really, really tragic. People say that they are aware of this, they are aware that it's not sex that they're looking for, it's just physical intimacy, it's the feeling of being loved or whatever is as close to love as they can find. People in the SSA community just didn't know how else to receive the non-sexual touch that they crave. And without this normal touch, a young man is much more vulnerable to settling for relationships that proved to be inappropriate, or even abusive, and not in their best interests.

Waheed  38:54
Absolutely. So please keep this in mind and protect your children from such a future, by investing in your relationship with them and drowning them with love and physical attention. 

Another piece of advice is to encourage your sons to overcome their fears. Again, we're talking about boys relating with their fathers. When they start to do that, they begin to understand what is exciting, what is fun, what is energizing about their fathers, the relationship will start to evoke the boy's own masculine nature. Through dad, the son finds a sense of freedom and power in being different from his mother, to outgrow his mother and to move on into a man's world, and to finally mature into his own manhood. Boys in groups have a unique power to actualize masculine potential in each other. Of course, we have all noticed how boys interact in a rough and mutually challenging way that toughens them up, right? Whether it's on the playing field, at school, in the neighborhood, etc. There's kind of a balance of challenge and there’s support, there’s teasing, there's ribbing, there's insulting, there's shoving, bolstering, and then there's showing affection. You know, this is what they call a process of “iron sharpening iron.” You know, this is just what boys do. There's a good-natured kind of teasing and put downs that we engage in, and it may well feel hurtful and confusing to the sensitive boy or the sensitive teenager. 

This is what boys do, they alternately put each other down, and then they lift each other up with tough love, that kind of love that characterizes this masculine affection and compassion. It is very different from the way that girls get along together. And that masculine way of relating is so beautifully showcased in the movie Stand by Me, if anyone has seen that one. It's a really beautiful movie. So it’s the idea that males in groups teach each other an emotional resiliency, and they learn to trust other men, and this is something that we, as men who deal with same sex attractions or gender dysphoria, have really struggled with, this is something that is alien to us. But it is part of the growing up process that we need to go through. 

Speaking of that, please help your son gain a basic proficiency in a sport that he can enjoy. Again, we're not saying that he's going to become an athlete, but just a basic proficiency in a sport that he enjoys, don't impose on him a sport that you like. What does he like? What kind of sport might he be into? It could be an individual sport, such as swimming, running or cycling, where he can learn to take the risks necessary to feel like one of the guys. If your child has hypersensitivity or he is known to be sensitive, then he’s probably not going to become a football player or professional athlete, but neither should he simply just give in to his fears and retreat to girls’ activities, or just play alone and submit to a world of fantasy play. So keep this in mind. We'll elaborate more on this in this episode, inshaAllah.

Aadam  42:16
And we touched on this other aspect before, boys relate by doing you know, getting stuck in and doing things. Like it or not, sports are the most popular and convenient form of doing for men in our culture. And there are three categories of sports that Dr. Nicolosi highlights which are presented in the order of benefit. So, the first one is solo sports, such as swimming, cycling, running, skateboarding, skiing and rollerblading. These sports give boys a sense of connectedness with their masculine bodies, and that's important. Part of the SSA and gender dysphoria condition is the feeling of alienation from one's own male body. So, in solo sports, the boy has the opportunity to discover his physical competence by challenging himself. In addition to the ones that we've just mentioned, there are sports mentioned in the Sunnah that fall into the category. So, things like archery and horseback riding, these can be equally as good and effective for everything that we've just mentioned. So, bear that in mind if those activities are available where you live. 

The second type of sports is solo competitive sports, such as tennis and racquetball. Beyond the “me against me”, solo competition challenges the boy to compete with a peer. The gender confused boy is often afraid to compete directly against another male. Typically, he's fearful of matching himself against another boy's masculine strength. So, solo competition offers the reparative opportunity of “me against him”, of “me against another boy/another same-sex peer”. So, you know, these can be very effective. 

And then the third is group competitive sports. So these are things like baseball, football, basketball, soccer, volleyball, all of these kinds of group sports, and these activities are the best of all for your child, your son in particular, obviously, because they have the advantages of the previous categories plus the additional opportunity of group bonding. In competitive team sports, the boy is identified with a group of boys against another group, he must work as a team member, and his performance will affect the performance of the entire team. Now, it's “us against them” context and situation. I mean, I can speak from personal experience, it is an excellent way of developing bonding with same-sex peers. There's just lots of opportunity to connect with one another and to be on the same team and then feel like you’re part of the boys. 

Waheed  45:00
Yeah. I know you were telling me about your experience with being on a football team and training. And that really made a huge difference, right?

Aadam  45:08
Definitely. Yeah, big time. It is difficult at times for parents to know how far to push their son, you know, how much should he be challenged? And you know, it's common for them to struggle with the question, “Are we applying too much pressure or not enough?” How you determine the proper balance is especially difficult since these boys are often secretive and reluctant to express themselves, and they're not always truthful, because they deeply desire to please their parents, especially when their effeminacy has become an openly acknowledged problem. As with every other activity, the boy must never be forced to do anything that he strongly resists. Being forced to participate in an activity and failing, especially in front of other boys, will almost certainly result in an emotionally painful experience. Such experiences will only reinforce negative associations and deepen the sense of self as weak and inadequate. So, the boy should be actively encouraged, but if he strongly protests, then he's not ready for that activity. Instead, he might be better coaxed to try a less challenging sport.

Waheed  46:26
Again, as we mentioned earlier, it's very important to involve the help of siblings, you know, your other kids, the boy’s or the girl’s siblings in the process. So, younger siblings usually do not have much of an influence. I mean, it depends on the relationship with your child, but older ones, older siblings really do have more influence. So, typically, a boy who experiences same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria is very close to maybe his older sister, for example, he may even idolize her. And, in that case, if the sister is mature enough, she can actually be encouraged to support the parents’ efforts in helping that child. The older girl’s strong influence on the boy can assist his masculine confidence, right? 

Older brothers are also very important, and as you may recall from episode seven, we spoke about how a lot of boys who have experience same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria may have experienced fear of their older brother or may have had a hostile relationship with him. So, it's very important to get the older brother involved. You don't have to explain all of your concerns, you can just enlist the help of the older brother, and he can be a powerful support in building the boy’s masculine confidence. You can just say, “Your brother will make it hard for you to connect with him, because he's shy, he's having trouble feeling comfortable with other guys. We need your help to get him over that.” And the same goes for the girl who experiences same-sex attraction or gender dysphoria, or is gender confused, you can say, “We need your help to get your sister to connect with other females”, and so on. It depends on the context. 

But a brief word of caution, and I've heard this actually from multiple men that I've spoken with, a lot of them have experienced, unfortunately, either physical abuse or even sexual abuse by their older siblings, and I know that this is very challenging to kind of investigate. But it is important to kind of discuss this with your child and ask them if that is okay to involve the help of their older sibling. If you notice that there is inappropriate resistance that kind of is a red flag, then you might want to investigate that further. Sometimes, there might be resistance, which is expected, but you might want to investigate any red flags that are going on. I know a lot of cases where an older sibling has been involved in kinds of abuse, whether physical, sexual, emotional, etc., and the parents had no idea about that. So please keep this in mind. You don't want to enlist the help of the brother who has been abusing his younger brother, and that will just create more trauma. So, this is one more thing to keep in mind. If you're not sure about that, please seek help from a counselor or therapist to kind of know how to investigate that, if that is the case. So that's just an FYI. 

Now, that's in the case of siblings. The same goes for bringing in relatives and friends and neighbors to help you with your boy or girl, and this will kind of, as they say, broaden the field of players, and it will keep the parents from trying to do everything themselves, because they really can't. All you need is a few honest but discreet words about the situation. You don't even have to tell people that your son or daughter is struggling with gender confusion or gender dysphoria or same-sex attractions or whatever it is, you can just say, “The boy is having trouble feeling like one of the guys, he can't connect with his same-sex peers”, or “The girl is having a problem kind of embracing her femininity or connecting with other girls her age.” And you can just request male role modeling for the boy, or like female role modeling for the girl, maybe help the boy get more involved in sports, maybe help get female mentorship and support for girls, this can make a huge difference. 

An athletic coach for the boy or the girl can play an important even pivotal role in the healing process. You need to explain that to the coach him/herself, best have a same-sex coach for your kid, a cooperative and sympathetic coach, whether that's in karate, swimming, soccer, horseback riding, Little League, any other kind of sport, this will add an extra positive dimension to the team effort that parents are trying to create in the process. Again, boys need masculine figures in their lives who are strong and gentle - remember the term that we used in the last episode, “salient”, the male figure has to be benevolent and strong, and they have to be patient and encouraging. Even for females, a female coach can provide mentorship, she can help the girl feel like she's one of the girls on her team. So please involve other people. But, again, as it applies to everyone else, please make sure that those people have their “records clean”, there's no history of abuse, just try your best to kind of make sure that that is the case. 

In addition to this, it's very important for parents and others to realize that a lot of men and women with same-sex attractions and gender dysphoria struggle to “claim their female or male bodies.” A lot of us feel alienated from our bodies, maybe have a lot of body shame issues, body image issues, some of us are disgusted by their bodies, feel inferior with regards to same-sex peers, and so on and so forth. We have kind of an emotional detachment with our bodies, and this is part of our fundamental sense of self, unfortunately. So, activities that involve sports, yoga, theater, physical expression, as well as swimming with members of the same sex, again, we've discussed this, all under a supportive and nurturing atmosphere, these are incredibly important in overcoming a lot of body shame issues or issues with body dysmorphia. So please keep this in mind. 

Boy, I love this episode, by the way! I’m kind of grieving but also feeling uplifted, alhamdulillah!

Aadam  52:41
Oh, I know how you feel, subhan Allah... And, you know, another group of people that you can enlist help from are teachers, and this might be quite a good group to go to, because your child will probably spend a large portion of their day with them, the teachers might see an aspect of your child that you probably don't see at home. And I know that that's quite common actually, when you speak with parents, it’s like “They're so well behaved at school!” but at home, they're like misbehaving and stuff. I'm joking. But there may be an aspect that a teacher can give you an insight that you wouldn't otherwise receive. When and if you do decide to speak with the teachers of your children, then it's not necessary to use the word “homosexual” or “gender dysphoria” or anything that's sort of a buzzword in popular culture when it comes to these issues. The phrase “gender issues” or even “low gender esteem” is sufficient. So even if the teacher has some politically correct notions, the teacher’s best instincts and common sense will often overrule, and she will work with you. It's amazing how many teachers will rightly cooperate with concerned parents. You can begin by explaining, “We want our son to be better connected with boys, and we're connected with a counselor right now, and our treatment plan includes your assistance, can you encourage our son to play with boys and help diminish his female activities?” So, you know, this is just an example of how you could perhaps approach teachers and have that conversation with them. 

And another group, which is the most pivotal group are other same-sex peers.

Waheed  54:20
Yes, and we cannot stress this enough. This is a very important thing to focus on. So please pay attention!

Aadam  54:26
Yes, yeah. Male friends are key factors in masculine gender formation, and the opposite occurs for girls. Most homosexual men remember feeling “on the outs” with other guys and unable to feel like an equal in their games and activities. This sets the stage for the self-concept of masculine inferiority, which leads to romantic longing and idealization, which we've talked about before. Some like, Dr. Van Den Aardweg believe it’s more influential than the child's relationship with his parents in one’s SSA. Now, some of the ways that parents can do this. Firstly, parents have to make a point of bringing other boys around. As we have seen, gender confused boys typically don't have close male friends. They tend to be reserved, cautious and emotionally distant from the friends that they do have, and there's an absence of the outgoing, aggressive camaraderie that characterizes most boy friendships. These sensitive boys don't know how to make male connections, so they have girlfriends instead, because it's easier and it feels safer. You can help your son by indirectly discouraging female friends and actively soliciting and encouraging male friends. One example is, whenever possible, to host some sleepovers in which one or two boys will spend the night. 

Again, a word of advice: At the beginning of treatment, the gender confused boy will feel uneasy when he is with two boys, he will easily felt feel left out. It's easier for him to have one boy to focus his attention on, or perhaps more important to have one boy focus attention on him. It bears repeating again and again: Friendship with boys is of inestimable importance. You will soon see how your son responds strongly to these male relationships. At first, he will be shy, but once his anxiety is diminished, you'll observe the emotional connection, sometimes a deep emotional dependence, which can only be satisfied with a lot of continued friendship.

Waheed  56:24
Right. Absolutely. And another word of advice: Please don't invite a bully to the house! Just make sure that sure that it's actually someone that your son feels comfortable with. But also just make sure that you know their parents, that their son is not like “out and proud”. We don't want that either. So, just make sure that that other boy or those boys are at least safe, healthy peers. That would definitely make a big difference, inshaAllah.

Aadam  56:54
Yeah, yeah. And just along that line, avoid gay-affirming websites or support groups, as well as gay-affirmative counselors. 

Waheed  57:02
Yeah. Pho sho! 

Aadam  57:05
Clearly, like, we don't have to explain this, this is not going to help at all. And another good thing for parents is to keep a journal so they can have a perspective on the change that's taking place through all of these different activities and efforts. Because we live so much in the day-to-day, we sometimes lose sight of the big picture. So, by keeping a journal, it can give parents a sense of progress with regards to their efforts, writing down the ups and downs, challenges and triumphs, looking back and assessing the things that you've tried and sharing with your support system and your therapist, if you have one. All of these things can help keep you grounded through what will inevitably be a challenging process. So bear that in mind.

Waheed  57:56
Absolutely. 100%. And then, again, please maintain your parental team. That is very important. From the literature that we read and used to prepare these episodes, the books by Nicolosi, Richard Cohen, and other resources, it seems to be that the most challenging problem is trying to keep the dad involved on a consistent basis. The difficulty in maintaining dad active in the process, his daily participation, this is kind of the most common obstacle for helping your child heal and grow and overcome a lot of the challenges that they're going through. Again, we're talking about the father-son context, so the son’s effeminate behavior is a defense against identifying with his male role.  

You cannot take away the boy’s security, that effeminate behavior that he has, unless you provide him with something that takes its place. So, you need to draw the boy towards the masculine, through having a warm relationship with the father or a father figure, rather than to try your best to rid that boy of those effeminate behaviors. A lot of parents might say, “My son is very effeminate, and I want him to get rid of that, and I always kind of scold him not to walk that way or talk that way”, whatever it is, that's not going to help. If you offer him an alternative, which is a warm relationship with a father, or a father figure as a substitute if the father is not available, that will eventually, on the long run, help him adjust his behaviors. So please keep this in mind. It's not about getting rid of particular behaviors, it's rather cultivating that masculine identification that's going to eventually overshadow those effeminate aspects that he's displaying, or behaviors or mannerisms. 

It's worth saying, of course, we understand that this is a very difficult time for you as parents to go through all of these motions. But remember that it's not just difficult for you, as mom and dad, but also the child is under a lot of pressure from your efforts to kind of maybe modify his/her habits, his/her behaviors, which, by now, they are likely to feel that this is part of who they are. So, understandably, they will start to express negative feelings, they may feel unloved or misunderstood. Again, we're talking about sensitive children who take things personally. So, if the intervention is too harsh by the parents, the child may go into withdrawal, isolation, become emotionally detached from the rest of the family. So it is very important that mom and dad express their concern and respect for all emotional reactions that the child is displaying, of the boy being a boy or the girl being girl. These are difficult for your children. So, parents should encourage the expression of whatever the child may feel, even the feelings that are negative or blaming. Please allow your children to express their hurt, their anger, their sadness, their disappointment, and even encourage them to express that when they feel it, because that will help them connect to you during these difficult transition times. 

Again, it's not about militantly monitoring external behaviors and “do this, don't do that!” It's like a military boot camp. No, that's not what this is about. That's not the right approach. It's through bonding with your child, especially the same-sex parent bonding with their child, finding emotional security in that same-sex parent-child relationship, that the boy will feel capable of giving up his cross-gender fantasies, and the girl will do the same. Parents should work together, again, to correct the difficulties that the child is going through to convey to the child that they are committed to helping them that they love him/her no matter what. And then, once the child realizes that both parents as a team are not ignoring their cross-gender behavior anymore, and that they are loved no matter what, they will begin to adjust. Of course, there's going to be some discomfort, and it's going to be challenging. 

Anyway, we've focused a lot on the boys’ behaviors and the boys’ relationships with their fathers, but obviously, because one reason is that effeminate boys are much more common than boyish girls, so to speak, but obviously, you can be adapted to the girl’s situation, because the same applies. Father and mother have to work together. Mom invests more with the girl, the father encourages and adapts accordingly with regards to the girl. So we hope that this is clear, inshaAllah.

Aadam  1:02:55
Some common questions that parents might be asking themselves include things like, “How do we know if what we're doing is right and the level of intervention is appropriate?” Now, we have four suggestions for dealing with a difficult situation of assessing the appropriateness of your interventions: First, you should work with a counselor or therapist with whom you feel comfortable, who shares your goals for your child and can offer an objective evaluation. This professional should share your philosophy about gender and sexuality as well as your treatment goals, or at least respect your value system and help you with your goals, and should offer objective evaluation and specific advice regarding your intervention efforts. It's probably important to say that some therapists and counselors, unfortunately, from what we've heard and experienced, do overstep their professional boundaries when it comes to these issues, because they allow obviously their own views and opinions about LGBTQ and all these things to interfere and so it might be difficult.

The second thing that you can look for is when you're not certain of whether you're placing too much pressure on a boy to develop his masculine self, or the girl for her feminine self, give the boy or the girl the benefit of the doubt and just back off. The need for affirmation and positive encouragement is as essential as participation in desired activities. So, if you're like trying to encourage them to do sports or something else, be patient, offer positive affirmation for lesser efforts, it's far more beneficial to apply less stress more consistently than to apply more stress off and on.

Waheed  1:04:43
Exactly. So if you feel that you're not certain, give them the benefit of the doubt and BACK OFF! 

Aadam  1:04:49
Yeah. Yeah. And the third is, in developing masculine behavior, positive reinforcement (i.e. praising and encouragement) is far more effective than negative reinforcement (i.e. coercion, intimidation, humiliation, shame, all of these things). We don't want any of that. However, for extinguishing effeminate behavior, gentle and consistent disapproval will sometimes be necessary. So, there's a distinction. Still, a basic rule is that greater long-term results are gained by positive response on the part of the parent for masculine behavior than by negative response for feminine behavior. 

Waheed  1:05:27
And we're talking about the case of a boy, obviously. 

Aadam  1:05:29
Yeah, and then the same goes for a female. Also, remember that your son or daughter will not feel safe giving up cross gender behaviors if the child has no close positive same-sex role models to draw him/her into an appropriate gender identification. The child needs to see that being a man or woman is attractive and desirable.  

And then the last point is that we make a very important distinction between shaming and correcting. So, I kind of touched on this, shaming is about the person, while correcting is about behavior. Correcting says “that behavior is bad”, while shaming says that “the person is bad.” The message to convey is, “Mom and dad want you to fix this or that behavior, but you're always okay with us, and we love you so dearly.” One sentence modified to a particular situation can be a convenient tool for parents of gender confused children à an example of this would be, I'm just making up a name, you know, “Ahmad, that's a girl's behavior, activity or gesture, but you're a boy.” The sentence has three benefits: It’s short and straightforward, non-preaching; it uses boy/girl language, which challenges the boy’s androgynous fantasy that “I'm special, I can be a boy or girl or both”; it places the critical focus not on the person, which would communicate shame, but on his situational behavior. The statement, “but you're a boy” should have an encouraging tone. So, the parental message is “We are reminding you of who you are, and who you are is good.”

Waheed  1:06:56
Absolutely. Yeah. So again, those four points are: 1. Work with a counselor or therapist who shares your same worldview; 2. Give the boy or girl the benefit of the doubt when you are not certain whether you're applying too much pressure, and just back off; 3. Giving positive reinforcement in the form of praise and encouragement is much more effective than negative reinforcement; 4. Please don't shame the kid, but rather correct the behavior by focusing on the behavior and not the kid him/herself.

1:07:34
There's a special category that we need to highlight here, which is the issue of single moms or single dads, but more commonly, it's single moms. In today's world, there's a growing problem of single mothers, and it's really the problem of absent dads, and it poses a unique challenge for the boy’s gender identity development. Whether the mom is widowed, or she's divorced, or the dad has walked out on his family, whatever the situation may be, a lot of times the mom might find herself in a unique position that she's dealing with a child who is hypersensitive, who's displaying effeminate behaviors, who is probably gender confused, and she's worried about that kid. How would we navigate that? And the same applies to like a father who is a single parent, he's raising his daughter who is displaying cross-gender behaviors and interests. How do we deal with that? Now, the focus is on the single mom, obviously, but the dad can adapt that in the situation where he's a single parent. 

Now, the mom in that situation, she has to monitor the mother-son relationship. That is very important. So, you as a single mother need to be mindful not to develop an excessively close relationship with your son, a codependent relationship. If you have no emotionally secure relationship with a man, you may unconsciously seek to satisfy your emotional needs with your son and start to maintain an unhealthy, overly intimate connection that may seemingly meet your own needs, but that will not be in the best interests of your son. And we touched upon this earlier in this episode, when we mentioned the codependent and even borderline emotionally incestuous relationship. Please bear in mind that this is not healthy, not for you, not for your son, and if that's the case, then please get help, because you need to get out of this kind of dynamic and provide healthy boundaries and healthy dynamics with your kid. 

If your boy is gender confused and gender fragile, they are typically very bright and very verbal, and they have this gift of reading you very well, and you know that. They sense your codependency with them, and they may learn to manipulate even your emotions, and they consequently will grow up to become undisciplined, overindulged, and sometimes ultimately immature and self-absorbed even, a young man who is not able to face the demands of the world. Of course, this is not a generalization, but it does tend to happen, so just make sure that you monitor your relationship with your child, and of course get help when needed. So that's the number one point. 

The second point is to encourage the masculine identification of the boy. We know that you need to go the extra mile in affirming your son's masculinity. Of course, you cannot do that as a mother. Of course, you can provide that through like verbal affirmations and admirations, but you have to make him feel from day one that his maleness is different from your femaleness, that his masculinity is different from your femininity, that this difference is good, it's healthy, it’s part of who he is, part of how Allah created him to be. And this masculine affirmation is very important in cases where the father is permanently absent. Like you might be in a case where the father is absent most of the time, because he’s out of the country, he’s working most of the time or whatever, but in case he’s permanently absent, this is very important for you to affirm his masculinity, the boy’s masculinity. So, for example, you can respect and maintain the memory of the father in a positive way, even though the father may never return for whatever reason, and so you promote the positive image of the “good father”, regardless if that is true or not. But you have to do that for your child to grow to love his own masculinity and appreciate that about his own self and his father. 

Now, if men are spoken of negatively at home, the young boy may start to unconsciously adopt a feminine identity and effeminate behaviors to make sure that he remains safe from your rejection, because if he is going to adopt the masculine behaviors and mannerisms, in his mind, “This is something that mom rejects or speaks negatively of, so I don't want to be doing that.” So, again, all of these efforts are very important, but you cannot do this on your own. You cannot, as a mother, model being a man, although you can do the next best thing, which is to affirm the masculinity in your child and speak highly of it. 

Which brings us to the third point, you need to find a father figure. We're not saying go and marry another man. I mean, if that is possible for you, given your context, you know better. But what we're talking about here is that if your child can find a substitute for the absent father with an older brother, let's say, grandfather, healthy male role model, such as a neighbor, imam, you know, any other healthy male figure, that is important. You as a mother need to support the boy’s masculine interests and encourage them and endorse them. It’s detrimental, again, if you convey the message that you and your son can just as well go at it alone, or you can take care of things, because that's not going to help. 

Men are important in the family life. What makes a difference [for the child] is having a consistent and reliable and long-term relationship with a stable father figure. So, for this reason, the suggestion would be to find, again, an older brother, uncle, grandfather, if that is possible. And do not be ashamed to express your concerns and ask for help. That is necessary. If a family member is not available, again, consider groups and organizations that can help. There are some mentorship programs, there are religious organizations, there are youth programs, Islamic centers that may be around you, Boy Scouts, athletic teams that have male coaches, school advisors, counselors, school teachers, imams, etc., provided that all of these are not gay-affirming, underline that. Whenever it's possible, it's wise for single moms to request male teachers and mature, manly male tutors for their sons. So please keep all of this in mind. 

Aadam  1:14:03
So, we're going to move on to talk about communication and the different things that you can do to help build a healthy communication with your child. We've mentioned this before earlier in the episode, that communication is very, very important. One important task for parents is to encourage the child's expression of what he/she is really thinking and feeling. Talk about the things that make you comfortable as well as those that are uncomfortable, as long as such conversations are okay. Sometimes children don't open up, because they're afraid of their parents’ reactions, or they don't want to burden them and spill their beans, or they wouldn't want to be rejected if they ended up being vulnerable, or the assumption that their parents are not interested or not comprehending what they have to say. When your children open up and want to talk, please give them your undivided attention. So, switch off the TV, put away the newspaper, magazines, phones, and listen completely. If you don't, they'll pick this up straight away and view as a rejection. And remember, most of these kids are hypersensitive, so all these small, seemingly meaningless cues actually do get picked up. 

The more you get closer to your child, the more you'll learn about their experiences and what's going on in their lives, and what happened before. You might find out that there were many things you had been doing that you meant in a loving way. But back then, your child didn't see that and instead was interpreting them critically. Many of us go into adolescence and see ourselves as flawed, unlovable, uncomfortable with who we are, and you learn about shame in the process. There's so much that you learn about yourself as well as your own traumas. Now, utilize effective communication skills in order to truly help your child to reach out and connect with them in love and compassion. You need to utilize and develop communication skills. Communication is not something we're naturally good at, and sometimes we learn unhelpful and destructive ways of communicating with one another. Good communication skills require practice. Good communication starts with good listening and the ability to hear what another person has to say and understand as they are intending to communicate. And it sounds really simple and basic, but this is where most conflict starts. And a good place to start when it comes to communication is what's known as reflective listening. 

Waheed  1:16:36
Absolutely. So reflective listening, a good way to do this, you paraphrase what the other person is telling you during the conversation, and this is not the same as agreeing with someone - you can empathize with someone without agreeing with their ideas. This is important to highlight. So, reflective listening allows us to show empathy to demonstrate understanding, and the other person will feel like they have been heard, that they're being respected, which kind of dissipates the tension or awkwardness that might be there. This isn't easy, but your child's healing very much depends on how much you engage in this sort of communication and reflective listening. It will help deepen your communication. And the outcome that you want to achieve through reflective listening is to make your child feel heard, understood, and loved. Everything else can come after that. 

Now, how do we engage with that, how do we implement reflective listening, and how can we work on becoming a better listener? Make sure that you maintain eye contact. Making eye contact shows that you're attentive, that you're present, that you're concerned. Observe your body language, your tone, and your words, and observe the body language of the other person and their tone and their words. This will tell you a lot about how a person feels than just focusing on the words alone. Another thing is to focus on the silence, because we don't have to fill every silent moment with noise. It's okay to have silence, and allow that to exist. Silence is as much a communicator as sound. Be with your child in those silent moments; it will reassure them that you are there for them, and it will create a safe environment for the both of you to be vulnerable. 

How do we practice reflective listening when the child is telling us something? You paraphrase their opinions or thoughts. And there are three steps to kind of become good at this: You paraphrase in small increments, which means that you listen to your child, what they have to say, and then you paraphrase in small chunks to ensure that you're not missing anything, and you give yourself a chance to be corrected in case you have misunderstood or misheard something. And in case that your child corrects you, then you paraphrase that again, once you have been corrected, just to make sure that you've got the full gist of what they're saying. And then after that, you ask them, “Is there more? What else would you like to tell me?” Allow your child the chance to expand or complete their ideas and thoughts. 

So, doing all these things will allow you to demonstrate to your child that you have heard what they have said, that you have understood them, which gives you the basis for having a connected and meaningful conversation with them.

Aadam  1:19:22
Don't put your own thoughts or judgments into the mix. This will make your child feel like you're not hearing them and can cause frustration and anger. So, this is very important. Empathize with their thoughts. This is where you'd step into their shoes to let them know that you understand why they think the way that they do. You might say things like, “This makes sense to me because you believe X Y and Z”, for example, or you may say “I can see how this makes sense to you. If I were in your shoes, I would have arrived at the same conclusions”, etc. So, there's different wording and phrases you can use. Again, by doing this, you're allowing your child to correct your understanding where it might be wrong. Continue doing this until your child agrees that you've understood everything. 

And empathize with their feelings – this involves imagining how they will feel given the situation. Again, you might say something like, “I imagine all of this makes you feel sad, angry, frustrated, lonely, misunderstood, etc.”, whatever's appropriate for the conversation. Keep the words simple here, and allow your child to confirm that you've understood, or to even correct you. And once they've confirmed your correct understanding, that's where you’ve accomplished the objective, and this is what reflective listening is all about. 

This is actually also very powerful for just adult communication as well. I've seen it used in conversations about a range of topics, and it's a really good way just to make sure that nothing is lost in translation. 

Waheed  1:20:55
Absolutely. And the last two points that you mentioned - so there's empathy with thoughts, you kind of let them know that you understand why they think the way that they do, and then there's empathy with their feelings, in which you kind of tell them that you imagine how they will feel given the situation. So, there's empathy with thoughts and empathy with feelings, it's important to differentiate the two. 

Aadam  1:21:16
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And throughout all of this, be mindful of your tone and body language. Words on their own are not enough. If you have a frustrated or angry tone, it will show, and if you're closed off in your body, it will push your child further away. And throughout this entire process, remember, you're not agreeing to anything, you're just listening and understanding, and you will get the chance to state your opinions and feelings later on. So, this entire reflective listening is just that - it's just listening and making sure that you've understood what's been said. 

Waheed  1:21:49
Absolutely. So, this is with regards to reflective listening, and it's very important to kind of learn to become an effective communicator, because the way that you share your thoughts and feelings is as important as what you share, you know, the content. There are things that we can avoid, doing our best to ensure our message is received as we intend it to be. Again, some practical tools, we talked about this, eye contact, this helps create intimacy and connection. Physical touch, if that is possible, holding hands, maybe touching their shoulder, hugging them, can make receiving what you have to say easier, it creates greater intimacy between the both of you. 

And then using what is known as “responsible language”. What do we mean by that? Use “I” statements instead of “You” statements, use the first person instead of the second person. It makes the statement about you as opposed to another person, and it makes it less likely for people to shut down or to become defensive. Because when you say, “You did this, you did that”, “You said this”, etc., this typically induces shame and guilt, and it will further strain the relationship with your child. So, instead of saying “You are so and so”, say, “I feel so and so”. This is about you and your experience. 

Another thing to realize is that love heals. So, everything that we've been talking about, please use all of these techniques in a loving manner, it will help you build a strong, trusting and intimate relationship with your child. So please keep this in mind. Love them, love them, love them. 

And it is inevitable that you are going to be dealing with conflicts and challenges, it's important that you do not engage in warfare with your child. You might be put on the defensive, they might be on the defensive, your fight-flight-freeze response might be activated, it's going to be a mess. That is something to be expected. But some of the ways that you can address hurtful behaviors or words with your child or other people includes conflict resolution, as well as providing affirmations. Aadam and I are going to be talking about these two. So let's start with conflict resolution. 

Aadam  1:23:59
Yeah. So, conflict resolution, this is a five step process, and we'll go through each of the steps. So the first one is state the facts - name the behavior, action, or words that caused you to be upset, refer to the specific incident and don't bring things up from the past. So don't say things like “You always do this” or “You did the same last year”, etc. This will just make the situation far worse. Rather, you can say things like “You walked away when I was talking to you”, so this is about the here and the now or the situation that happened when stating the facts. 

The second is about feelings. So, keep it simple by using single words such as hurt, annoyed, angry, sad, upset, happy, and so on. So you may say something like, “I was sad when you walked away from me when I was talking to you.” So, you've stated the fact, and then you've said the feeling. 

And then the third step is to state your thoughts, state how you interpreted what happened. 

Waheed  1:25:00
Again, like the focus is on you, like your feelings, your thoughts, not the other person’s. 

Aadam  1:25:05
Right. Exactly. Yeah. So, when you talk about your thoughts, it's about speaking about your opinions, thoughts and judgments in relation to the situation. So, for example, you may say something like, “When you walked away from me, I was hurt, it makes me feel like you don't care what I have to say, and I don't have a voice, I'm reminded of how my parents treated me, and I don't want to reenact that with you.” So, you see how this has evolved from your stating facts, including your feelings, and then also your thoughts about the situation. So, this is how you start to develop. 

And the fourth aspect or step is needs - to tell the other person what you need from them and be very specific. So, an example, “In the future, I would like you to stay and talk with me even if you don't agree, I would appreciate that.” Avoid broad, sweeping requests. Keep it simple, which makes it more likely that you will actually get what you've asked for. 

And then the last step is giving - what are you willing to offer the situation and the person? This shows that you're willing to work on the relationship and allows for there to be dialogue and progression to another understanding. So, you might say something like, “I'm willing to listen to what you have to say.” Don't preach to your child; the goal is not to hammer them with rights and wrongs, it's about having a conversation, building security and safety and letting them know that they matter, while also drawing boundaries around what's acceptable behavior and what isn't. 

Waheed  1:26:36
So that's basically the whole idea of conflict resolution. And if you want to remember all the steps, there's the acronym which is “SFTNG”. So S, F, T, N and G. “S” is state the facts, “F” is feelings, “T” is thoughts, “N” is needs, and “G” is giving. “SFTNG” is the acronym. So that's basically when it comes to conflict resolution, you want to kind of address problems with your child or someone you're speaking with. 

The second aspect is providing affirmations. So affirming your love to your child verbally. This is an excellent way to promote bonding. You need to offer sincere, affectionate affirmations. Again, we've spoken about this earlier, “I'm so proud of you”, “I'm so proud that you are my son or daughter”, “You are so special to me”, “You are so dear to me”, “I love you so much”, “You are really good at so and so”, “Well done for giving it your best shot”, “You are so kind”, “You are so sweet”, “You are so beautiful”, “You are so manly”, “I love your behaviors”, “I love the way that you think”, and so on and so forth. When you do this sincerely and naturally, affirmations are a great way to soften the heart and to make it easy for you to find a way into your child's heart.

I mean, if you're not used to doing that at all, and then you start dumping affirmations on your child, it's not going to feel sincere. So just start with baby steps, one step at a time, and build that momentum. And, ultimately, once you do that and they get used to it, they will crave your love and attention, even if they don't admit that. 

Aadam  1:28:10
Yeah. Conflict resolution and everything we've talked about here, these are not skills that come naturally to people, and some people might be good at them and would naturally pick them up, but it's important to practice these skills, because they are skills. It's something that we have to learn. And in order to truly embed these skills into your parenting, you'll need to continually practice them. It might be difficult and even feel unnatural to start with, but that's completely normal with anything new. You just have to keep doing it. It will be clunky, awkward and unnatural to start with. But the more that you do it, the easier that it's going to become. 

And it's inevitable that you'll make mistakes, but that's okay. The point is to keep trying. These are skills that can be used with almost anyone, like I said before, in any situation, you can use them with people that are closest to you. So, your friends, your family, your coworkers, employees, etc. Even when things get tough and your child tests you, don't react in anger or frustration. Use reflective listening to demonstrate understanding and respect for your child's views. Ultimately, they are trying to test you to see if you love them or not. And don't fall for the bait; it's better to stay silent than to engage in argumentation and fights. 

Waheed  1:29:25
Absolutely. Another aspect of communication and this journey of relational healing is to express regrets, and, actually, Richard Cohen in his book Gay Children, Straight Parents: A Plan for Family Healing, he encourages parents to make a list of all of the mistakes that they can think of with respect to their parenting that may have contributed to same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria, now that these issues have become apparent. So, when they write up that list, he encourages parents to share those regrets with their child. And this exercise is designed to allow your child to grieve all the hurt that has been buried deep. 

And the process is simple: You create a safe space for you and your child in order to discuss your faults or your behaviors or action or inaction, and to seek forgiveness for them. So, if you struggle to know how to start with this, this is a simple sentence that you can begin with, like you sit with your child and you look them in the eye with love, and you tell them, “I am very sorry for this and that”, whether it's an action or an event, or what have you, something that they said, etc., and you say, “Will you please forgive me?” And then you can expect that your child is going to respond with things like “Yes, I forgive you”, or “No, I do not forgive you.” They might say, “That's okay, you were a great parent, mistakes happen, it was a long time ago.” Or they might say, “Don’t worry about it, I'm over it”, whatever it is. Or they might be like, “No, I don't forgive you. This really hurt me so much. And I can't believe you did so and so.” You need to expect all sorts of reactions. 

And you should respond by asking about how your actions or words made your child feel, and then you continue asking that until you receive an authentic response. And I don't know if you guys have watched this movie, we definitely encourage you to do so, the movie Good Will Hunting, there's this very poignant scene in the movie which really just gives me gives me goosebumps every time I watch it, and we can actually include that scene in the episode description for you guys to check out, though we don't want to kind of spoil it. The character of the therapist played by Robin Williams repeats to that traumatized main character, “It's not your fault, it's not your fault”, he repeats that to the character Will, until it induces an authentic emotional response from Will, and he starts to grieve. He finally grieves the pain that he has been holding in. So that's very important to do. 

So, when your child is sharing their experience, you need to stay quiet and listen. This is their chance to pour their heart out to you, to reveal their deeply hidden feelings and pain. If you feel the urge to explain yourself, or if you feel like your defenses are getting up, you're getting worked up and you want to kind of say something or do something, please refrain from doing that. Resist the urge to do that. This is not the time to do that. There may be time for that in the future, or once they finish speaking, but now is not that. 

As your child begins to open, thank them for sharing, and ask them to tell you more, and use this opening to encourage your child to pour out all of the hurt and pain, and be prepared to be the object of anger and resentment and accusations that you may not agree with. Again, this isn't the time to challenge your chance perceptions, because doing so is going to be counterproductive. You just need to be patiently listening and ask them to tell you more and seek forgiveness. This is a huge test for our ego, by the way, this is not easy. We need to practice a lot of patience, we need to practice a lot of humility, and this is where tazkiyah and purification of the heart comes in. You know, this is so difficult, right? It's not easy for anyone to engage in. 

So what I advise people to do is pray two rak’as before doing this exercise, maybe practice it with a therapist or a special friend of yours that you trust where they can like, do some role playing with you, because this is not easy. We need to demonstrate humility, the ability to own our mistakes, and the willingness to make amends, and this will soften your child's heart towards you. Please remember that healing is a process. It's not a sprint, it's a marathon. It's not a one-time event. It may require several ongoing conversations like this one to break the barriers. You may think that “Oh, it's just a one-time thing!” No! These conversations may happen a lot. Especially if your child has adopted the LGBT identity or paradigm, they may not receive your apologies very well. And so, if this happens, you must persist in trying to engage them, to talk to them, to talk about the past and to have a breakthrough experience with them. Your apologies should be strictly about the past failings and not about homosexuality or gender dysphoria or attempts to heal any of that. Please focus on what has happened in the past, and try to grieve that together and make amends about that. 

Aadam  1:34:31
And moving on to talk about bonding and boundaries within the context of communication, the first three years of a child's life are crucial in setting the tone for all future relationships, as we've discussed previously. Bonding and boundary setting takes place in two key stages. So, bonding in the first one and a half years, and then boundaries are learned from one and a half to three years of age (i.e. the separation and individuation phases). This is a time of separation, differentiation and individuation. Ultimately, children are finding their own identities away from their parents, and this is why they're known to say “no” a lot during this stage. So, anyone who has witnessed a child or seen them grow up, they will be very familiar with this. At this stage, parents are meant to allow the child to explore in a safe way and are also setting appropriate boundaries for them. Children must learn healthy boundaries and limits in order to socialize with other children as well as to stay safe. And through this process, children are affirmed, but they are also taught self-regulation. 

So there's two things, you obviously encourage them to explore, but you have to also show them where the limits are. And if it's done right, the child should feel competent, worthy and powerful. They should be aware of how to navigate situations in life in a safe way. Boys, in particular, need their fathers at stage two. So, they realize that they're not quite like the mothers and need a man to initiate them into the world of men. Obviously, we've talked about this a lot already. And through this connection, the boy learns that he is like daddy, and that they are similar. This is important for the child to identify with his own gender, and obviously, if the father is absent physically or emotionally, then this lays the foundation for the potential SSA or gender dysphoria to develop. Similarly, girls need their mothers to develop a healthy gender identity Some girls may be more aggressive than their mothers. The important thing is that the mother steps into the world of her daughter, a girl needs to feel that her mother is a safe and healthy role model of femininity. 

And it makes sense why so many people who experience SSA or gender dysphoria say that they remember being that way as far back as they can remember. The wounding that set the stage for SSA and gender dysphoria happens during the early years, most of which is not remembered as adults. As you explore old wounds with your child, bear in mind what they need. Those children who are more sensitive and well behaved require serious bonding to take place. So, spend time being intimate and vulnerable with each other. Essentially, you need to do the work of stage one with this type of child, even if they're now a teenager or adult, and it's such a good way to think about it actually. On the other hand, if your child has behavioral issues, those must be dealt with head-on with farm boundary setting. Setting boundaries comes first; otherwise, this child will not respect you or others enough not to take advantage. 

If you struggle with this, please seek the appropriate help in order to set boundaries. We also have two episodes on setting boundaries and podcasts, that's episodes 52 and 53, so definitely check those out if it's something that you want to learn more about or need help with. Remember, every child is different, and there are no hard and fast rules as to what blend of boundary setting versus bonding needs to take place. You have to just basically use your intuition, learn about your child, and experiment to see what the right balance is for your situation. 

Waheed  1:38:10
Absolutely. And then a lot of parents would ask us like, “Should I ask my child about their same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria, their experiences and all of that?” And the answer is yes, when the time is right, once you have bonded and you are able to open these conversations, then yes, go ahead and do that. Because asking them about their own same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria and the experience that they have had with that is another way to continue all of this bonding work that we've been talking about. This should be led by the same-sex parent, but the opposite sex-parent can also be present. And there are a couple of key questions that you can ask like:
- “When did you begin to experience same-sex attractions and/or gender dysphoria? Tell me about that.” 
- “Has this made life difficult for you? Tell me more about that. Like have you been ridiculed at school? How did you feel like with your colleagues and peers, etc.?”
- You can even ask them, “What type of men or women are you attracted to? Like, what age groups? What body types? What personality types?” You know, there's no shame asking about that. 
- And “What would you like from me or us?” This is a very important question, “What would you like from me as your parent, or from us as your parents, to help you? How can we help you further, as in maybe understand you more, maybe facilitate healing work, maybe join you in particular activities that you would like us to join you in, etc.?” 

Again, remember all of the communication skills that we talked about earlier, you need to utilize them here. When your child answers you, you must listen to them. Ask them to tell you more. Maintain eye contact, paraphrase, reflective listening, etc., repeat back what they told you to make sure that you understood and so on. When they are done, you should reciprocate by telling your child how you feel, knowing about what they have been going through alone. Again, empathy for thoughts and empathy for emotions. You can say something like, “I feel hurt and sad knowing that you've been going through all of this alone. I'm so sorry that we weren't there for you.” 

The reason why there's a question about what type of person your child is attracted to is because it will tell you a lot about their attractions, their sexuality. If your child is attracted to an older man or woman, it's more likely that they have a homo-emotional wound, they're seeking the love of their same-sex parent in older men or women. The opposite is true if they are attracted to similarly-aged men and women; they likely have a homo-social wound that results from disconnection from same-sex peers. Generally speaking, many men did not feel affirmed by their fathers or their same-sex peers, and therefore they did not connect to their gender identity or internalize a strong sense of it. And the same goes obviously for girls, both men and women with same-sex attractions are seeking gender affirmation and identification by joining with members of the same sex, as we've been talking about. In other words, there is gender confusion here. Now, what about those who are attracted to younger boys and girls? They may be so as their own gender wounding took place at that particular age that they're attracted to. They're seeking in other men and women what they consider that as deficient in themselves. These are not generalizations, but they apply to a large number of us. So, this kind of gives you an idea about what really is going on at a subconscious level. 

Again, some men are attracted to older, stronger, more dominant men, because their fathers were not assertive or they were absent. They needed a strong male role model, and they did not get that. Some men are attracted to effeminate men, and some women are attracted to masculine women - this kind of indicates an opposite sex wound, where they fear intimacy with the opposite sex, for example. Deep within all of these attractions are seeking to fulfill something that is lacking within them. There is a gender identity deficiency in some form or the other, as we spoke about in the previous episode and the episodes in season one. By knowing all of this, you can begin to understand and identify the needs of your son or daughter. 

And needless to say, and we repeat this, expect to be rejected. Please make sure that you know that this is going to happen. It's a long battle, and your love is the love that will win in the end, inshaAllah. The reality that we know is that most homosexual relationships do not last. Continue to meet all of the unmet love needs that your child has. Because without your unconditional love and acceptance, your child is going to seek it elsewhere and likely in the LGBT community. Do not throw your child into the arms of those who are in desperate need of love and healing themselves. 

Again, ask questions, listen, respond, hug and love one another. And you must also let your child know that they are not responsible for your own well-being, and we spoke about this earlier. Some children, again, internalize this from an early stage, because they see their parents struggle with life, or they're in pain, or they might be helpless at some point. You need to make it clear to your child that they are not responsible for you or your well-being. This would be a huge weight that you would lift from their shoulders, freeing them to live their own life apart and away from you. 

Aadam  1:43:38
And, in addition, we've spoken about this before, but just to go over this again, and maybe a little bit more detail, is the idea of giving affirmations and positive messages. And as we've said before, often, SSA and gender dysphoria children did not hear enough affirmations and encouraging words as they were growing up, and, instead, it's quite common that they carry deep wounds and negative voices of inadequacy and shame. So, it's very important that you shower your child with affirmations that help combat the negative voices and self-beliefs that they have of themselves. It's important that the same-sex parent takes the primary lead here, and this will help heal the homo-emotional and homo-social bonding much, much better. 

So just a couple of points: first, affirm their manhood or womanhood. You can see things like “You're my son or daughter and I love you”, “I believe in you”, “I admire your character”, “You're strong, capable, and a perfect man or woman just as you are.” And you also should affirm their behaviors. So you could say things like, “I admire your public speaking ability”, “You have a knack for spotting patterns”, “You're assertive”, “When you put your mind to something, you give it your all, and I'm so proud of you for that.” So these are just any kind of things that you might notice in their behaviors that’s positive to just affirm that and recognize it. 

And then thirdly is to praise their gender expression as a man or woman, “You're a handsome man”, “You're masculine and powerful”, “You're a strong woman”, “You're a woman among women”, and “You are feminine.” Use masculine and feminine characteristics that would apply to your son and daughter, anything that you notice that they're manifesting and displaying, use it to your advantage in this context and affirm and give positive messages, so that when they think about themselves, they will remember these voices that are strong and positive, as opposed to anything that might be diminishing of them. 

Richard Cohen goes into detail about the range of affirmations that you can use in his book Gay Children, Straight Parents, we'd encourage you to look there for more ideas and suggestions on what to say to your child as you affirm and encourage them if you need that. So definitely check that out.  

Waheed  1:45:54
Absolutely, 100%. And the last thing is to know your child's love language. If you're not aware of this, love language is the way that we experience love that is expressed by others towards us, and everyone has a primary and secondary love language. You can read more about that in a book called The Five Love Languages written by Dr. Gary Chapman. This is a wonderful book, we encourage everyone to read it, and we'll add links to it in the episode description, inshaAllah, in the show notes. 

So, by knowing our children's love language, we can better understand their character and also how to love them in a way that they need in order to truly feel loved. There is a quiz that you can also take online, which is “The Five Love Languages Quiz” to find out more about your own love languages, as well as your child's love languages, and we'll add links to that in the episode description. We also have a document in the show notes that you can also access that gives you some examples of the different love languages of your child and how you can utilize that to bond and engage in relational healing. But basically, just very briefly, the five love languages are: 1. Words of affirmation, 2. Quality time. 3. Receiving gifts, 4. Acts of service, and 5. Physical touch. We will add some references and documents in the episode description for you to check out with regards to love languages, and, inshaAllah, we hope that that would kind of broaden your horizons and give you more ideas as to how to bond and relate to your child more effectively and appropriately, inshaAllah. 

1:47:41
And with this, we have come to the end of today's episode, which is our third episode in the four-episode series for parents and family members. In the next episode, inshaAllah, we will end the series by talking about community healing, frequently-asked questions, and kind of bring together all of these episodes and wrap them up, inshaAllah. Until next episode, stay safe and healthy. This has been Aadam and Waheed in “A Way Beyond the Rainbow”, assalamu alaikom warahmatullahi ta’ala wabarakatuh.

Episode Introduction
General Tips for Parents
Same-Sex Parent: Physical Affection
Opposite-Sex Parent: Take Two Steps Back
For Fathers of Boys and Men Experiencing SSA or GD
On Involving Siblings and Other Family Members
On Involving Teachers and Educators
On Same-Sex Peers and Friends
On Maintaining the Parental Team
“How do we know if what we're doing is right and the level of intervention is appropriate?”
On Single Parents
On Reflective Listening and Becoming an Effective Communicator
On Bonding and Boundaries in Communication
On Affirmations and Positive Messages
On Your Child's Love Language
Ending Remarks