A Way Beyond the Rainbow

#41 - On Words and a Vision of Healing

July 02, 2021 Waheed Jensen Season 4 Episode 1
A Way Beyond the Rainbow
#41 - On Words and a Vision of Healing
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

With this episode, we commence season 4 which is dedicated to healing and recovery work. In the season 4 premiere, we examine the effects of words; there are words that hurt and words that heal. We also present a working vision for healing that will pave the way for the myriad of topics to come this season, inshaAllah.

What are some words that ought to be revised in our conversations, particularly with those on their healing and recovery journeys? How do we, as individuals, families and communities, listen to, love and care for those of us struggling with same-sex attractions and/or gender dysphoria? How do we understand our authentic self (our fitrah) in relation to what we have been through in our lives? These and other questions will be discussed in today's episode.

Resource mentioned in the episode:
- Layer of Personality diagram

Waheed 00:39
Assalamu alaikom wa rahmatullahi ta’ala wa barakatuh, and welcome back to “A Way Beyond the Rainbow”, this podcast series dedicated to Muslims experiencing same-sex attractions who want to live a life true to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala and Islam. I'm your host Waheed Jensen, thank you so much for joining me in today's episode. 

We are finally back after a hiatus that has lasted around 7 months! Super excited to be back with seasons four and five that will be published in the upcoming couple of months, inshaAllah. I have received so many heartwarming emails from men and women experiencing SSA as well as their parents, siblings, other family members, and friends. Jazakom Allah khairan for all your love and wonderful messages. I am very honored and grateful to know that the content has been helpful to so many of you, alhamdulillah. 

Today we start our fourth season, inshaAllah. I am so excited to be sharing with you the episodes that we have planned for this new season. As you know, in season one, we covered topics related to identity, we talked about shame, self-compassion, and vulnerability. We covered the psychology of same-sex attractions, from the genesis of SSA and accompanying characteristics, to the roles of therapy in their different kinds in helping individuals experiencing same-sex attractions. In season two, we touched upon many pertinent spiritual and religious themes that are relevant to our struggle, such as hardships, trials and tribulations, patient forbearance, attachments and surrender, pure love for the sake of Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, desires and temptations, spiritual awakening and much more. In the third season, the focus was on different support systems available for individuals experiencing same-sex attractions, as well as the big topic of marriage and intimacy, which we covered across four consecutive episodes.

In this season, the focus will be on healing and recovery work. The first half of the season includes fundamental topics for our journey of healing, like self-awareness, understanding and healing from complex trauma, embracing and reparenting the inner child, understanding attachment types, emotional dependency and codependent relationships, as well as the topics of self-esteem and self-discipline. The second half of the season is all about sexual recovery - we will be covering material related to Islamic sexual ethics, masturbation, pornography and sex addictions, as well as the sensitive topic of sexual abuse and rape. Needless to say, there will be co-hosts joining me on many of these episodes, inshaAllah. As you can tell, the topics of this season build on the material presented in the previous seasons and focus on matters that are relevant to almost all of us, whether we experience SSA or not. Of course, emphasis will be placed on how all these topics relate to our journeys and struggles with SSA, but these topics are universal. I hope and pray that you find the content helpful in your individual and collective healing journeys.

I would like to start this episode with a quote by Martin Luther King, Jr. who said, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” The purpose of this episode is to talk about words that hurt and words that heal, as using the proper terminology and communication skills is essential on our journeys. Towards the end of the episode, we will talk about a model of healing that sets the foundation for the topics presented this season, inshaAllah. A lot of the content presented in this episode comes from Richard Cohen’s book, Straight Talk about Homosexuality, chapters four and five in particular.

04:24
A wonderful saying by Richard Cohen goes as follows, “Endorsing homosexual behavior and a homosexual lifestyle may give some people what they want, but it cannot give them what they really need.” If you have been following this podcast from the beginning, you have probably begun to see how SSA, in many cases, is rather a smoke screen for unresolved issues as well as primal needs for love that are yet unfulfilled. Healthy, non-sexual masculine love in the case of a man, and healthy, non-sexual feminine love in the case of a woman, go a long way in the healing journey. As you know, we have discussed this in detail throughout the podcast.

Many parents, siblings, friends, teachers, imams and community members would like to support men and women experiencing same-sex attractions or gender dypshoria but do not know how to do so. Before we talk about what to do and how to help, let’s first address the things that we ought not to do or say. I’d like to take a moment now and reflect on the ripple effects of hurtful words that we use. Some words can kill, and others can heal. We often, unknowingly, wound each other daily with ill-chosen words. Sometimes we don’t think about the meaning of what we are saying or its effects upon those who listen.

For centuries, men and women who experienced same-sex attractions or problems with their gender identity were called derogatory terms. All of us have incurred social prejudice, one way or the other. In our mosques, homosexuality was spoken about as the “worst sin” and an “abomination”, we’re all “going to Hell anyway”, without providing any hope or realistic solutions whatsoever. Having never chosen to experience homosexual feelings, we felt trapped and condemned, through no fault of our own. In our families or among our peers at school, many of us have been bullied verbally and physically, called names like “faggot”, “queer”, “sissy”, “dyke”, “homo”, “femme”, “eunuch”, and so on. One can imagine how devastating that is - it’s like kicking someone who’s already down on the ground bleeding, and you’re stomping on their open wounds. 

If you or anyone you know has used any derogatory terms towards anyone you might have suspected of experiencing SSA or gender identity issues, please seek forgiveness from Allah, stop such behavior, and apologize to the person(s) who endured such abuse. We either build each other up or tear each other down. We reap what we sow. Every man or woman with SSA has experienced more than enough guilt and shame. We are all deserving of love and respect. Period.

You can say, “I am very sorry for saying so and so, for doing so and so. Would you please forgive me? I did not know any better. How did my hurtful words or behaviors make you feel?” Try to listen and learn in the process. Of course, it’s very common to find the other person not wanting to open up, or he/she may even reject you and not feel safe around you. That is OK. Just apologize genuinely without expectation. Let them know that if and when they are ready to share, you will be there for them. Healing words can go something like, “Thank you for what you have said. Again, I apologize for any pain that I have caused you. If you have anything else to share, I am here for you. I love and accept you just as you are.” 

If the other person gets angry, that’s actually a good thing. Remember, underneath that anger is hurt and pain. Eventually, after they start running out of steam, the tears may begin to flow. Be patient, allowing them to release years of heartache. Basically, it has nothing to do with you, but rather all of those bottled up emotions, feelings you didn’t even know about. You are providing a safe place for them to grow and heal. 

If you see anyone acting violently towards a man or woman with SSA or gender identity issues, attempt to stop them, if possible, or contact the proper authorities. Defend those who need defending, whenever possible. You could be saving your own sibling’s or friend’s life. If you hear someone speaking ill of people with SSA, kindly correct them. You can say something like, “It is not right when you speak about people with same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria in such a hurtful way. Please do not use such words around me. I know people with SSA, and it hurts both me and them when you speak in such a way. Would you want people to speak about you in such a way? I am sure you didn’t mean to hurt anyone, but those kinds of words do. I have learned that their attractions are not their choice. I have learned of people who sought proper help and are able to manage their SSA or gender identity issues pretty well.” 

The terminology coined by the LGBT community (such as the terms “gay”, “lesbian”, “bisexual”, “transgender”, “homophobia”, “internalized homophobia”, “anti-gay”, “same-sex marriage”, and others) was intended to normalize homosexual behavior, as well as create sympathy towards individuals living that life. The language and terminology used is intended to elevate the community to an equal status with everyone else. The desired outcome was to experience a sense of dignity in the midst of bigotry and hatred. And this is perfectly understandable.

If we think about it, the term “gay” originally means happy. It was taken by LGBT activists to describe a person with SSA. It also denotes someone who has accepted a homosexual identity, so it has become a socio-political statement as well. When we say, “you’re gay”, instead of “you experience SSA”, it locks someone into an identity paradigm. We have discussed this in detail in the second half of episode 5 back in season 1, as part of a discussion on the essentialist vs. constructionist paradigms. Ultimately, we are people. There are people who experience same-sex attractions, men and women who experience such thoughts, feelings and desires, and/or participate in homosexual behaviors. It’s important to separate the person from his/her behaviors/ thoughts/ feelings/ desires. We can start by dropping terminology such as “gay”, “lesbian”, “transgender” etc. as a start. By calling someone such terms, we are reinforcing this worldview, and therefore, reinforcing the internal woundedness they experience. We remain locked up in an identity that prevents us from maturing and growing into our true manhood or womanhood. If necessary, we can use “homosexual” as an adjective rather than a noun, e.g. “a man or woman who has homosexual tendencies or desires”, rather than a “he/she is homosexual.” Again, we elaborated on all this back in episode 5, feel free to revisit it anytime. The purpose of reframing our language helps reframe the whole “homosexual” issue (in terms of its genesis, immutability and identity paradigms), as well as bring the issue back into the realms of psychology and spirituality. It is not a human rights or social justice issue if we truly love all men and women with SSA the right way, the unconditional, healing way.

And while we’re on this topic, I’d like to touch upon the notion of shame in our Muslim communities, particularly as far as mental health issues are concerned. There is a stigma in our communities when it comes to mental disorders, even though they are more common than we like to admit (that is, if we believe they exist in the first place). A lot of us are ashamed of sharing with others that we struggle with anxiety or depression, have low-self esteem or inferiority issues, particular addictions or compulsive behaviors, or other matters, or a combination of those. Many in our communities even shame those who try to seek help through therapy and counseling. Families hide this out of fear of affecting any prospects of marriage or business. “What would people say?” Of course, there has been a growing awareness in our communities on these issues in the past years, but there is still a long way to go.

How many times have we heard these statements? “You’re weak if you cry.” “You won’t be depressed if you pray, read more Qur’an and make du’aa.” “A true believer doesn’t experience anxiety, depression or low self-esteem. There’s something wrong with your Iman (faith).” “Hasn’t it been long enough? Get over it already. It’s all in your head.” What is common to these and other similar statements? They reek of judgment. They scream shame. “I am not good enough.”

Guess what? The person on the receiving end has probably tried to hide their tears, pray more, read more Qur’an and supplicate day and night. They tried that and more, but they still experienced pain. It does not mean that those means were at fault, or not good enough, but rather that there are other things going on, part of which is simply being human. We do not give each other permission to be human. What happens when shame becomes the lens with which we see the world around us, as the way we see God? “I’ve tried to connect to Him but I still feel pain. He must not love me. This must be a form of His punishment. I am not worthy.” Despair in the mercy and love of Allah. 

We forget that Prophet Jacob (PBUH) was heartbroken when he lost his son Joseph (PBUH), to the point that he grieved for decades, and his pain was so enormous that he lost his eyesight. Would anyone accuse him of being less of a believer, or encourage him to pray more? He lost his eyesight, but he never lost sight of Allah. His tears did not diminish his belief or constitute any sign of weakness on his behalf. He was human. Give us permission to be human.

Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was the perfect believer - his prayer was the best prayer, his supplications and remembrance were the most sublime, he knew the Qur’an like no other, and his worship was otherworldly. Yet, he grieved for a whole year when his beloved wife Khadija, may Allah be pleased with her, and his uncle passed away the same year. He wept when he held his dying son in between his hands, and he still hurt as he reminisced of his deceased wife, Khadija, decades after her passing. Did anyone shame him in his manhood for not being over his dead wife, or for being less of a man for crying over his dead son? Then why do we do this to our men, believing that holding back tears is a sign of bravery, and suppressing emotion is a constituent of chivalry? Jahiliyyah, that is what it is, sheer ignorance. The Prophets have had the longest and fiercest storms, yet they remained safe in His shelter, and they were the most vulnerable with Him. He, subhanahu wa ta’ala, is our ultimate safe space. 

During times of extreme stress, we struggle with our worship. Yes, we know that prayer, supplications, reading Qur’an and other acts of worship are helpful, but many times, our brain shuts down in response to stress, because that is a natural trauma response. That is because the “survival” brain, the primitive part of the brain associated with the “fight-flight-freeze” response is turned on, while the “executive brain” is turned off. We are no longer able to assess situations and make decisions, our brain goes into auto-pilot mode. We perform worship, but we feel it does not help in the process. So we blame ourselves. “I am not religious enough. I am not pious enough. God must be angry with me. If only I was this or that, If only I had done so and so.”

The Prophet (PBUH) said, “...Seek help from Allah and do not lose heart, and if anything (in the form of trouble) comes to you, do not say: If only I had not done that, it would not have happened so and so, but say: Allah did that what He had ordained to do and your ‘if’ opens the (gate) for Satan.”

Experiencing periods of trauma and pain puts the brain on auto-pilot, and this has nothing to do with the state of our heart or our connection to Allah. We need to realize that so we can begin to break the shame cycle. Allah knows this, and He rewards us according to our abilities, perseverance, and patience during these difficult times, not based on our perceived flaws and weaknesses.

In a hadith qudsi, the Prophet (PBUH) said, “Allah Almighty says: Whoever comes with a good deed will have the reward of ten like it and even more. Whoever comes with an evil deed will be recompensed for one evil deed like it or he will be forgiven. Whoever draws close to Me by the length of a hand, I will draw close to him by the length of an arm. Whoever draws close to Me by the length of an arm, I will draw close to him by the length of a fathom. Whoever comes to Me walking, I will come to him running. And whoever meets Me with enough sins to fill the earth, not associating any idols with Me, I will meet him with as much forgiveness.”

 Some days might pass and we feel that all is fine and dandy, and on other days, we experience a tsunami of emotions and relive particular experiences we thought we had overcome. We do not even know where that came from, it just happened. Some days, we might be overly emotional or hypervigilant to any stimuli; other days, we might be completely numb and appear emotionally cold to others. Sometimes, the pain can be so severe that we dissociate from our feelings, bodies or surroundings, we disconnect and drift away. Trauma, pain and grief manifest in different ways across different people, with varying timelines and expectations. These differences are not due to a particular deficiency in some people compared to others. Those differences are simply human. Again, give us permission to be human.

As the brilliant holocaust survivor turned clinical psychologist Edith Eger wrote in her memoir, The Choice: “... there is no hierarchy of suffering. There’s nothing that makes my pain worse or better than yours, no graph on which we can plot the relative importance of one sorrow versus another. People say to me, “Things in my life are pretty hard right now, but I have no right to complain -  it's not Auschwitz.”  This kind of comparison can lead us to minimize or diminish our own suffering. Being a survivor, being a “thriver” requires absolute acceptance of what was and what is. If we discount our pain, or punish ourselves for feeling lost or isolated or scared about the challenges in our lives, however insignificant these challenges may seem to someone else, then we're still choosing to be victims. We're not seeing our choices. We're judging ourselves. I don't want you to hear my story and say, “My own suffering is less significant.” I want you to hear my story and say, “If she can do it, then so can I!””

20:20
Now that we’ve covered what not to do or say, let’s see what we can do or say. To parents, siblings, friends, teachers, imams and community members who would like to support men and women experiencing same-sex attractions or gender identity issues: the answer lies in the three “L’s” - Listen, Love and Last. Let’s explain each one in detail.

The first word is listen. Active listening is caring for the other person, showing that you are interested in his/her well-being. Start with having a heart of concern, a genuine care for the person to whom you want to reach out. Sit with the man or woman and genuinely tell them that you care, that you want to understand. Maintain eye contact, this establishes connection and lets them know you are actually listening, offering acceptance in the process. Do not offer advice or your opinion, but rather join him/her. Look at things through their eyes, how life has been for them, try to put yourself in their shoes and walk a few steps. You don’t need to have answers, just join them in the conversation and listen attentively. Bite your tongue if necessary, should you want to disagree or offer advice at this point. Most of us don’t need answers. Honestly. We just need to be seen, heard and accepted for who we genuinely are. Be attentive to the other person’s posture and tone, as well as yours. Lean forward and have an open facial expression. Do not fold your arms across your chest, as this often demonstrates emotional distancing.

One beautiful skill to practice, with anyone really, is something called “reflective listening”, which helps you de-escalate when you feel like attacking the speaker, as well as to see life through the other person’s eyes. Start off by paraphrasing the person’s sharing, in small increments. For example, “You felt offended when I said so and so, is that right?” or “You said so and so, did I get it right?” If you’re wrong, the person will correct you, and in case you left something out, he/she will tell you that. The more they share, try and paraphrase every now and then and say, “Is that essentially what you said? Did I understand you correctly?” Don’t put your thoughts, feelings, or reflections into the communication. It’s OK if you 100% disagree. You just need to join with them and reflect on what you heard. In this way, the other person feels understood, regarded and respected by you. If you disagree with homosexual behavior (again, behavior), do not harp on this idea. Judgment never works. They’re already detached and looking for unattained love through someone of the same gender. Win their heart, and the head will follow. 

Another aspect of “reflective listening” involves empathy. One part is thought empathy, which means you imagine how the other person thinks, you’re validating their thoughts. “You make sense to me because so and so..” or “It makes sense to me that you agree/disagree with this, because so and so..” and of course, ask “Is this right? Did I understand you correctly?” Another part is feeling empathy, where you actually imagine how they feel. “I imagine all this makes you feel hurt, offended and upset. Is that right?” Again, remember, you don’t need to agree 100%, you just have to listen and understand. One thing to also remember is to avoid a sarcastic tone, and to actually maintain the same tone as the speaker. All this takes A LOT of practice. 

Other than reflective listening, saying “Thank you, tell me more” goes a long way. Again, you want to see life through their own lens. Put aside your own lenses and try and look through theirs. You will be very surprised how grateful another person can be to be genuinely heard. In the process, your heart will change as you come to understand life through their eyes. You don’t have to fill the empty moments with words, comments or questions, just “be” with them in those silent moments. It allows them to know you are there for them, and it gives them the opportunity to go deeper into their mind and heart. When you want to learn more, don’t ask “why” questions, as this brings the speaker into his/her head, but rather ask “how”, “what” or “when” questions, like “What was it like? How did that make you feel? When did you experience that emotion before in your life?” Of course, don’t be confrontational, as this creates barriers between them and you.

In addition to this, please avoid looking at your watch or phone, fidgeting and expressing discomfort that you need to leave. You can excuse yourself for a bit, do what you have to do, and then come back. 

All of these skills that I’ve just shared require practice, and you can practice this with anyone in your life. It takes time to develop good communication skills. There are lots of self-help books, online videos as well as coaches or counselors who can also help in the process. 

It’s important to know that, sometimes, some men and women with SSA may act like little kids, throwing temper tantrums, demanding that everything goes their way, and acting in a very self-centered manner. Of course, we can all be like this from time to time. Realize that this behavior is connected to the wounded child within, from a lack of bonding and proper boundaries. Adult tantrums are manifestations of a wounded child who didn’t sufficiently bond with his/her parents, a child who was indulged and not properly disciplined, or a child who experienced abuse or didn’t learn how to emotionally self-regulate. If such childish behavior appears, try to stand firm, loving and unyielding. This is the time to demonstrate love for the hurting child within -- many don’t know how to emotionally self-regulate or express themselves more responsibly. Listen attentively, but don’t allow them to abuse or attack you. You can say, for example, “Please don’t speak to me in such a manner. It is very hurtful. What do you need right now? How are you feeling? How can I help?” Then listen, reflect and continue to hold space for them to open up.

Another important matter to consider is, depending on their own experiences, men and women with SSA may be completely “gay-identified”, meaning “I am gay/lesbian/etc., I was born this way, this is who I am, things won’t change, love is love, accept me for who I am, this is the life I want to live.” If you come at them with counter arguments or prove to them that their worldview is wrong, you’re actually pulling the rug from underneath them. Imagine if someone comes and tells you that what you’ve built your life around, your beliefs and everything you took for granted is wrong, and there’s something more accurate out there. It’s a punch in the gut, right? It takes time and patience to get to a point where we can discuss those matters. What’s important is to listen, establish trust and proper foundations and to love the other person unconditionally, regardless of what happens, even if we disagree with them 100%. I hope this is clear by now. 

If you eventually want to share your own arguments, ask yourself first: “Am I doing this out of love for the other person? Am I willing to be there and listen to what he/she has to say? Am I willing to get involved in this person’s life? Am I willing to listen, to love and to last in this person’s life?” If the answer is yes, then get help to prepare your heart well and navigate this, but of course, this comes after a while. If the answer is no, then give as much as you are able to this particular person.

28:38
So we’ve covered the first “L” which stands for “Listen.” Now let’s get to the second “L”, which is “Love”. Love is a noun, describing an emotion that we have for others, but it is also a verb in that it forms the actions by which we express care and concern for others. It is in our behaviors, our acceptance and genuine concern for other people’s happiness. 

In his book, The Five Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman discusses many ways in which we experience love, such as words of affirmation, spending quality time together, giving and receiving gifts, performing acts of service as well as healthy physical touch. All these are ways in which we can express love.

A simple yet profound way to express love is actually saying “I love you.” Many men and women with SSA have never actually heard that, believe it or not, whether from their parents or good friends. This need for affirmation and acceptance most often becomes eroticized during and after puberty, and sexual behavior becomes the means by which one seeks love and acceptance. That never works. Simple words to heal the lonely and brokenhearted: “I love you just as you are.” It’s incredible. Other words of affirmations like, “You are a strong man, you are very masculine, I admire you,” or “You are a beautiful woman, you are very feminine, I admire you,” go a long way, depending on the person receiving them.

Please avoid saying things like, “I love you but not your homosexuality/ homosexual tendencies/ homosexual behavior” - this gets translated as “love the sinner but hate the sin”, particularly for someone who has been exposed to decades-long systematic programming of “You’re born this way, God made you this way, etc.” For many men and women with SSA, this has been the narrative. It’s not something they do, but rather it’s who they are, the very essence of their being. In this instance, and at the beginning in particular, working on separating the behavior from the person does not work. One has to understand the other person’s viewpoint and love them intelligently. Saying “I love you just the way you are'' commits your unconditional love and regard to the person without any conditions or stipulations. Your family members or friends don’t need to change in order for you to accept and love them. And don’t worry if they misinterpret what you say and assume that you are endorsing their homosexual behavior. You’re not. And if they ask you bluntly, “Does this mean you accept my behavior or lifestyle?” You can answer, with a big smile on your face, “No, and I love and accept you just the way you are.” You can love someone unconditionally and still disagree with their behaviors, the two are not mutually exclusive (even though the term “homophobia” got us to believe that they are). Disagreeing with homosexual behavior or lifestyle does not make you a “bigot” or “homophobe”; you’re not so if you do not approve of a behavior or lifestyle that you think would do harm to the individual. In such a case, there is only a difference of opinion (not religiously, but from a socio-political perspective), accompanied by love and respect. The same goes for “internalized homophobia” -- this is reverse discrimination at its best.

Again, it’s important to realize that you can love a person with SSA without endorsing their chosen lifestyle. All people with SSA have a choice to act upon their desires or not. Yes, the feelings and desires are not optional, but what we do with those desires are. You can easily say, “I may not agree with your homosexual behavior, but I love you just as you are”, “I love all men and women who experience same-sex attraction”, “please don’t call me homophobic just because I do not agree with you. I have a different understanding of things, we can discuss this if you like. We are all entitled to our own opinions. I respect yours, so please respect mine. Let’s practice true tolerance, real diversity and equality for both sides of this issue.”

Going back to showing love: as part of the love languages, healthy physical touch has a tremendous healing effect. An arm around the shoulder, holding a hand, and a healthy hug are all acts of love. Unfortunately, many of us have confused healthy touch with sex - we can physically touch someone without being sexually intimate or becoming sexually intimate. We need to learn to separate a healthy embrace from sex by displaying appropriate physical affection without any thought or desire for sexual intimacy. Remember, in our Islamic tradition and as part of the Sunnah, we have countless examples of this. Let’s revive that. A strong and genuine hug allows both the giver and the receiver to feel a sense of warmth, connection and love, brought by a wave of oxytocin which brings about those warm fuzzies. Many of us are touch-deprived, hungry for physical affection from members of the same gender. If you are able to give the gift of a healthy embrace to a man or woman with SSA, you may help restore and save someone’s life. No exaggeration.

Another key ingredient to supporting individuals experiencing SSA is mentoring. As we have learned together throughout the podcast, healthy bonding helps us heal and grow. There is a rite of passage into manhood or womanhood through proper bonding that many of us missed growing up, this can be made up for through proper mentorship and bonding activities. For someone wanting to mentor and dive into the world of the man or woman with SSA, the more you listen, understand and engage, the more you will learn which activities help the man or woman. Whether it’s athletic games or camping, video games or arts, going out to watch a movie or going out for coffee, or participating in their hobbies, these activities make a difference. 

The idea behind this is to join men together to finally allow the man with SSA to feel a sense of belongingness to his own gender, that he is a man among men, strong and capable, with an internalized sense of masculinity. And the same applies to a woman with SSA feeling that way with regards to her internal sense of womanhood, her place among other women, and so on. Of course, this process takes time and effort, and there may be the need to grieve many losses from their past as well in the process.

Many men and women who experience SSA, especially those in same-sex relationships, have reported that, the more they felt surrounded, embraced and loved by same-sex mentors and friends who showed them unconditional love, healthy non-sexual love, the more they found their same-sex parnterships and lifestyles unsatisfying, to the point that they eventually grew out of them altogether. Story after story of loving men and women, standing side-by-side with men and women struggling with SSA, testifies to the fact that healthy love and proper support will eventually set them free, inshaAllah. Again, healthy bonding helps men and women with SSA heal. 

Another point to keep in mind is, please speak your truth and share your own story as well. Many men and women with SSA feel like they’re on the outside looking in with regards to members of their own gender. As a mentor or someone listening and offering help, please share about your life and personal struggles. It’s a revelation actually, for many of us, when we realize that other men and women struggle with similar matters, that everyone is actually messed up in their own way. Everyone is dealing with something. No one had perfect parents and families, and we are certainly not living in the warmest and most supportive cultural environments. Your personal sharing is not to burden the other person, but to actually help them see the commonality among human beings, that we are all broken and in process, that we all have issues we are working on. As Goethe said, “Treat a man as he is, and he will remain so. Treat a man the way he can and ought to be, and he will become as he can and should be.”

Once again, apologize for any wrong words or actions, if applicable. It’s OK to make mistakes. Let the other person know that you did not understand about his/her life and suffering before. Words like this can be very healing: “I am truly sorry for all the thoughtless and cruel things I have said about you and others who experience same-sex attractions. Would you please forgive me?” Then, again, listen and paraphrase back what the person says as you look into their eyes. You don’t need to provide answers. Just show care and concern.

In addition to this, and I can’t stress this enough: create warm and welcoming homes and places of worship. This is of absolute importance. We are already suffering from the lack of this as Muslim communities, and this has got to change. The LGBT community has created tons of organizations for LGBT-identifying individuals to meet and feel safe, accepted and loved, and to identify as part of a community. We need to do the work to create warm and welcoming homes, mosques, youth centers and so on, where all men and women with SSA or gender dysphoria feel comfortable, loved and accepted, so they can find nurturing and loving environments that facilitate growth and healing.

38:27
As for the third “L” after “Listen” and “Love”, it stands for “Last”. As we have discussed in the course of this podcast, the majority of homosexual relationships do not last: many of them are characterized by “open relationships”, and monogamy is the exception not the rule; many of these relationships are emotionally turbulent, codependent and inherently imbalanced in many ways. We have touched upon this in previous episodes. 

When a man or woman experiencing SSA begins to internalize healthy love of many same-sex peers and friends, his/her love tank will become more and more filled. This, in turn, will begin to transform their inner being, and eventually, for many of us, we find that our need for a homosexual relationship begins to naturally wane. As Richard Cohen says, “Heterosexual men are the antidote to help SSA men heal their sense of gender identity; hetersoexual women are the antidote to help SSA women heal their sense of femininity.”

“Last” here means that, as men and women with SSA seek love through same-sex relationships, it is YOUR love that will stand the test of time, not those relationships. Be the last one standing, embrace with all your heart and you will help save a life, inshaAllah. As Cohen also beautifully says, “This is a battle of love. Whoever loves the most and the longest wins. Never give up!”

And one thing to always keep in mind is: don’t worry about changing anyone else but yourself. Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala will do the changing, not us. What we can do is be there for others and demonstrate unconditional love to them. 

Richard Cohen also says, “Truth without love is blind, because it does not see into the heart of men and women dealing with SSA. Love without truth is deadly, because it may lead someone into a lifestyle that will ultimately betray them.” And we have previously spoken about the different facets of the lifestyle, particularly back in season one.

One good thing about homosexual activists is that they did what most people of faith and good conscience have failed to do, and that is, they taught us to treat men and women with SSA with dignity and respect. This is something our communities should have done a long time ago, but they failed at that, and continue to fail at it. However, nowadays, and in the name of tolerance, diversity and equality, the truth about SSA and what that entails, i.e. everything we have been talking about for the last three seasons, has been suppressed and rejected altogether. And this only promotes the pain, confusion and hurt that are lingering inside.

There is always this talk about “fighting” homosexuality among Muslim circles, “we need to fight this and that”, and then you see the LGBT community wanting to “fight” homophobia and intolerance. There is “fighting” on both sides, and it’s exhausting. Fighting leads to more fighting. Hurt people end up hurting more people. If we look closely and with an open heart, we can see that it’s not actually about “fighting evil”, but rather, it’s about a situation of love or lack of love. Whether it’s spouses fighting, neighbors fighting, co-workers, religions, races or nations, it really boils down to this: “Do I feel loved, accepted and cared for, or do I feel rejected?” Human nature is universal.

Change happens when healing takes place. We can either be part of the problem by not taking action, or by “fighting” and perpetuating further ignorance and lack of love, or we can participate in changing lives, inshaAllah, through love, forgiveness and understanding. It’s not about solving the problem through politics, science, the media or religious institutions, it actually starts at the individual level: within your heart and mind, and by your actions. It is up to us to reach out, listen, love and be the last ones standing, inshaAllah.

Many who demand tolerance, diversity and equality have themselves become the most intolerant and prejudiced individuals, particularly towards those who do not agree with their viewpoint. What happened to one’s right to self-determination and freedom of choice? That is skewed and subjective tolerance and equality. If you really look closely, you will see a wounded child crying out for love and acceptance. That’s what it boils down to. Again, there is either love or lack of love.

We want to talk about real tolerance? “I love you. I know that there is a deeper truth behind your SSA. I am here for you. I love you just as you are. I will stand with you no matter what.” This right here moves mountains. 

A beautiful quote by Richard Cohen goes as follows, “Whatever the outcome, love is the medicine that will heal that person’s pain. By demonstrating real love, by helping to heal their heart and soul, we know that remarkable and lasting change will ensue.”

44:00
In the remainder of this episode, I would like to present a model of understanding wounding and healing that sets the foundation for many of the topics we will be talking about this season, inshaAllah.

There is a recurring diagram that comes up in many of Richard Cohen’s books, and that is a diagram of the layers of personality. I will add a link to it in the episode description so you can take a look at it. The way that Richard describes healing is like peeling an onion. There are many layers around the human heart, and one has to go through them layer by layer, and these layers are depicted in the diagram.

The diagram describes how our childhood wounds manifest in our lives through adaptive behaviors (whether or not we experience SSA). This is a universal human experience. Since none of us experienced 100% ideal parenting, perfect siblings, relatives or peer relationships, and we’re not perfect anyway to begin with, we all have scars as a result. Those scars manifest in our adolescent and adult behaviors in various ways and in different social settings.

If we look at the diagram, or if you want to imagine it instead - there is at the core of every person his/her God-given authentic self. That is the purest most genuine self, what we as Muslims refer to as the fitrah, which is in harmony with Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala and the universe. This self is full of love, understanding and forgiveness. In addition to it, we are born with our inherent nature and temperament.

The first layer of wounding you see on the diagram, or imagine a layer that attaches to that core, is the experience of abandonment, neglect, abuse and/or enmeshment. These are the basic ways in which people experience hurt from parents, siblings, relatives and close relations. Recall back in season one, episodes 7, 8 and 10 when we spoke about the genesis of SSA, we touched upon heredity and temperament, homo-emotional and hetero-emotional wounds, sibling wounds, body-image wounds, sexual abuse, social and peer wounds, cultural wounds and other factors. If the child is allowed to grieve and share openly after experiencing some form of hurt, he/she will heal immediately. If the child is not permitted to share freely, or if parents are angry, not around, neglectful, etc., and if the child is not permitted to grieve, he/she will internalise those emotions and begin to experience fear. Underneath all psychological fears are two things: guilt and shame. As we have touched upon many times before, you may recall that guilt means “I did something wrong that goes against my value system”, while shame means “I am defective, I am wrong, I am bad.” This is what a child internalizes after experiences of wounding and not allowing those pains to be expressed.

If this carries on, i.e. hurt carries on and the child is not allowed to grieve and express those feelings freely, another layer of defense will develop around one’s heart and mind, and that is “anger”. Notice that this builds on top of the hurt and pain -- in other words, underneath anger, there is always hurt and pain. In psychological literature, anger is described not as a primary emotion, but rather as a secondary emotion, meaning there is always something underneath anger. It doesn’t come on its own like that. Normally, if anger is experienced in a healthy way, it constitutes a temporary state of emotional arousal that goes away after the perceived threat is gone. However, if we continue to experience anger as kids, adolescents and adults, it becomes a chronic thing - we are masking all the underlying hurt and pain. Remember, our authentic self is created for love, for a natural expression of emotions. If our parents and caregivers are unable to navigate this anger, we continue to bury the pain and hurt further, and we experience less ease with ourselves. And as we know, buried feelings don’t disappear; they grow and fester underneath the surface, causing us to develop maladaptive behaviors for survival.

The next layer that comes after that which covers the anger is the layer of the “false self”, which we have also spoken about in earlier episodes. This makes up all the masks we put on in order to survive the world around us. What is interesting about the “false self” is that our masks or defensive mechanisms often reflect our God-given talents and gifts. However, we then use those abilities to get the love we needed in the form of attention, affection, affirmation and approval. For example, if someone is academically inclined, he/she may study hard and excel to receive love and attention. If one is athletically gifted, he/she may use his/her ability to receive affection and admiration from others. All our natural gifts become means to earn love, in other words, they’re performance-based behaviors.

We do so many things for love. “I will please you, I will perform for you, I will rebel against you, I will run away from you, I will be really cute or nice for you, I will lead the group for you, or I will make trouble for you,” all for attention, affection and approval. Yet, underneath all of our adaptive behaviors is a child hungry for love, using his/her God-given gifts to get that. This, however, does not satiate, because this love will always be conditional. I am loved for what I do as opposed to who I am. Unconditional love means I love you no matter what, I love you for you, you don’t have to do or not do things to earn my love. On the other hand, the love that’s sought through the false self is one that assumes that particular conditions must be fulfilled. “If I do this or that, I will earn love. That way, I will be good enough.” The source of self-worth becomes externalized, as opposed to being internal.

On the layer of our false self, there is a list of masks, ego structures, character armor and defensive mechanisms that we use in different relationships and social settings. Examples include the rebel, protector, angry one, pusher, fake, loner, nice person, performer, perfectionist, clown, victim, caretaker, sarcastic, pleaser, show-off, the self-righteous one, the critic, and so on. “If only I did so and so, accomplished this or that, met so and so, then I would feel at peace and experience the love that I have always wanted.” But that doesn’t work, unfortunately. Earned love is conditional love. The child in us, the authentic self, the fitrah, they all seek unconditional love, based on who we are, not based on what we do.

The final layer that comes on top of the false self is a layer of illnesses or disorders. We know that, over time, repressed emotions and faulty thinking affect our physical, emotional and mental well-being. We start to develop signs and symptoms of illness, sort of like messages from deep down to bring awareness that there is something not right, something that needs our attention so we can heal. The word “disease” itself is dis-ease, a state of lack of ease and harmony. Here, we can see psychological diseases such as panic, depression, anxiety, mood disorders, violence, maladaptive behaviors, suicidality, and so on. We can find addictions, like addiction to drugs and substances, sex, pornography, among others. There are also physical diseases that are manifestations of deep physiological or psychological wounds internalized over years.

If we take this as a model to understanding human wounding and adaptive behaviors, we can begin to understand how to heal. Healing isn’t avoiding or running away from what matters; it’s actually, again, peeling through those layers like you gradually peel an onion. Gently. With love, tender care and attention. Taking time to listen to the person hurting, to establish trust and vulnerability, engendering compassion and empathy. Allowing one to drop the masks of the false self, so that we get to the layer of anger, allowing that anger to be expressed in healthy ways. Underneath this anger is pain and hurt, allowing that to be grieved as well takes time. Then we get to the fears, guilt and shame, the original wounds deep down. Once we can deal with all that, we can begin to uncover the true, authentic self. The real self that has been looking for light, love and care.

You might be thinking, “So how do we get to that point?” That’s the whole point of the topics presented this season inshaAllah, which constitute part of the necessary healing and recovery work. In the next episode, we will begin the series of topics by talking about self-awareness and mindfulness, which are crucial stepping stones on this journey. Until then, keep this model in mind, maybe download the diagram in the episode description and reflect on it as we go through the different topics of healing and recovery, inshaAllah.

53:49
And with this, we have come to the end of today's episode. I hope that you have enjoyed it and learned from it, inshaAllah. In the next episode, we will start our journey into healing work, by starting with self-awareness and mindfulness, inshaAllah. As always, you can write to me on awaybeyondtherainbow@gmail.com with any comments, suggestions, questions or anything that's on your mind, and you can always listen to us on our website awaybeyondtherainbow.buzzsprout.com and on your favorite podcast apps. Until next episode, stay safe and healthy. This has been Waheed Jensen in “A Way Beyond the Rainbow”, assalamu alaikom wa rahmatullahi ta’ala wa barakatuh.


Episode Introduction
Healing Power of Words
"Listen"
"Love"
"Last"
Layer of Personality: A Model for Healing
Ending Remarks