A Way Beyond the Rainbow

#46 - On Healing Complex Trauma

July 19, 2021 Aadam Ali and Waheed Jensen Season 4 Episode 6
A Way Beyond the Rainbow
#46 - On Healing Complex Trauma
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

This is part 4 of a four-episode series on understanding the origins and characteristics of complex trauma as well as paving a holistic path of healing.

In this episode, Aadam and I talk about a holistic approach to healing complex trauma using the bio-psycho-social-spiritual model, wrapping up our series on complex trauma.

How do proper nutrition and sleep impact my healing and recovery? What are some grounding techniques that could help me deal with my triggers? How can relationships help me heal my old wounds? Is a spiritual connection a necessary component of the healing process? These and other questions are explored in this episode.

Resources used and mentioned in the episode:
- Video series on complex trauma by Tim Fletcher
- Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect by Jonice Webb
- How To Do The Work by Dr. Nicole LePera
- When the Body Says No: Understanding the Stress-Disease Connection by Dr. Gabor Maté
- The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation by Dr. Stephen Porges
- Anger release scene from the series, "How to Get Away with Murder",  played by Viola Davis
- The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by ​​Dr. Bessel Van der Kolk (main book), and related workbook 
-
Secrets of Divine Love: A Spiritual Journey into the Heart of Islam by A. Helwa

Additional resources:
- Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Dr. Lindsay Gibson
- The Tao of Fully Feeling: Harvesting Forgiveness out of Blame by Pete Walker
- Forgiveness: How to Make Peace With Your Past and Get on With Your Life by Dr. Sidney Simon and Suzanne Simon
- Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma by Pete Walker
- Polyvagal Safety: Attachment, Communication, Self-Regulation by Dr. Stephen Porges

Waheed  00:37
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi ta’ala wa barakatuh, and welcome back to “A Way Beyond the Rainbow”, this podcast series dedicated to Muslims experiencing same-sex attractions who want to live a life true to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala and Islam. I'm your host, Waheed Jensen, and thank you so much for joining us again in today's episode. Joining me is my dear friend Aadam, and this is our fourth and last episode dealing with complex trauma. Today we will be talking about healing complex trauma. Assalamu alaikum Adam, and welcome back again.

Aadam  01:08
Wa alaikum assalam! Thank you for having me back. I'm looking forward to sharing some of the helpful and uplifting things that people can do to help heal or begin the process of healing complex trauma. This is an exciting episode, and if you've been here with us through the last three, then a big hats off to you, because the content is not easy. Subhan Allah, so well done for sticking in. This episode will be helpful to get started in that healing process, inshaAllah.

Waheed  01:46
InshaAllah. We're very excited to be sharing with you the content of today's episode. As I said, today's episode is dedicated to healing and to understanding how to overcome complex trauma, inshaAllah. As you remember, in the first episode of the series, we talked about the origin of complex trauma, where it comes from. And in the last few episodes, we talked about the effects, the aftermath of complex trauma and how this manifests in shame, in all of these emotional, cognitive, behavioral, as well as interpersonal or relationship aspects and characteristics. In today's episode, we're going to be talking about the comprehensive or holistic path to healing, and that is called the bio-psycho-social-spiritual aspect. 

When we talk about an Islamic framework, or a proper, comprehensive framework, we look at everything that the human being goes through and deals with in his or her environment. Focusing only on one aspect to provide help is going to help you somewhat, but it's going to hurt the person as well, if they are made to feel that that is the only aspect to healing. The more that I delved into that, the more that I realized that the holistic approach is also in line with the Islamic approach, or our fitrah, because Allah created us with a mind, with a heart, with a spirit and with a body and with this need for social connection. If we only treat a “disease” and neglect the whole person, then that is going to be deficient. And the same goes for focusing on the mind but neglecting the body and the heart and the soul and the social environment, or people who are too focused on support groups, but they avoid thinking about therapy, or people who are too much into the spiritual aspect, but they neglect the cognitive aspect, or even the biological aspect. All of these are intertwined, and this is what we're trying to talk about today. We're trying to frame a comprehensive approach by focusing on the biology as well as the psychology, as well as the social aspects and the spiritual aspects, to give you a comprehensive and holistic approach to healing, inshaAllah. 

As you have seen in our series on complex trauma, this topic applies to so many of us whether we deal with same-sex attractions, or gender identity issues, or not. It applies to a growing percentage of our culture and communities throughout the world. So many people have experienced complex trauma at some point in their lives. Now, some of us might be asking, “Why even bother dealing with complex trauma?” Okay, we understand it and so on. It's a nice intellectual exercise, but why bother dealing with that? If we don't deal with complex trauma, it will continue to influence our lives as we have seen. We will re-experience trauma through flashbacks, dreams, memories, triggers, all the different trauma responses we've talked about. We might remain hypervigilant in our daily life. We might have difficulty sleeping, concentrating, experience irritable mood and so on. Complex trauma, if unhealed, prevents our growth. We aren't able to develop healthy coping strategies, healthy relationships, we will not experience deeper joy. We wouldn't face life openly. We would want all of these things - we want to have healthy coping skills, healthy relationships, a deeper joy, to face life openly and to be there and to do our best and manifest our best selves. 

As we said, in the first episode, at least 90% of people struggling with addiction, whatever that addiction is, they deal with complex trauma. Many mental health issues can be explained by complex trauma, relationship issues, self-esteem issues, physical ailments as well. So, if we don't deal with the original problem, whatever we do is going to be like putting a band aid on. We're going to continue to struggle with these things. Going through all of these episodes and going through all of this understanding, we see how understanding complex trauma is integral to healing from addictions, many mental health issues, relationship problems, and even physical ailments that are brought by chronic stress and trauma. If we neglect the notion of trauma, we overlook that and we focus on the superficial symptoms, whatever we do is going to be like a band aid or a pacifier. We are not dealing with the original problems. I hope this is clear to everyone by now. 

And I would like to quote Robert Frost who said, “The best way out, is always through.” And, coincidentally, Rumi has two beautiful quotes as well. “The cure for the pain is in the pain.” And another beautiful quote is, “If you want the moon, do not hide from the night, if you want a rose, do not run from the thorns. And if you want love, do not hide from yourself.”

Aadam  07:07
Continuing on from where you left off, Tim Fletcher in his series on complex trauma says the following: “The inner life of a survivor of trauma is a battleground between the forces of discouragement and the forces of hope and determination. On any given day, one side can be stronger than the other.” And that's absolutely fine. And we should make that clear for people who are experiencing complex trauma. It is absolutely possible to heal from complex trauma and, inshaAllah, this entire episode is dedicated to all the things that we can do in practical terms to begin healing from this. It's probably important to highlight some of the goals of this healing process before we get stuck into some of the more specifics, before we start diving into the bio-psycho-social-spiritual aspects of healing. One of those is reconnecting. Complex trauma resulted in disconnecting from our own emotions and life, and it can seem as though we are split into different pieces. Essentially, we need to bring the pieces of ourselves back together. We disconnect from emotions and pain thinking that we don't want to appear vulnerable, so we inadvertently become smaller and out of touch with who we really are. Subhan Allah. So, healing brings back our thinking and our emotions all back together. The next goal is resiliency, so not just to heal, but to transform the trauma, and it’s the capacity to rise above adversity by developing skills and strengths from that adversity, to realize that we can learn from everything that we went through and become better people than if we had never been through the trauma itself to begin with. 

Some of the most amazing people in the world are people who have been through traumas. Some of the most successful people, and I mean that in the most holistic way, have been through significant traumas in their lives. By being able to overcome them and work through them, they were able to achieve such great things. I want to share a quote from Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. She says, “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”

Waheed  09:57
I absolutely love that quote. 

Aadam  09:58
Yeah. It's so true. Subhan Allah. The third goal that I want to highlight is pacing ourselves. So just take it easy. I know, Subhan Allah, we've thrown a lot of content at you as the listener over the last couple of episodes, and there's going to be lots shared today as well. But go slow. Stop for a while, if it gets too overwhelming, be gentle and take it easy. Dealing with trauma is a marathon, not a sprint. You're not going to deal with this within a single month, this will take time. Don't over obsess and dump this on others and make this the focus of your entire life. Life is holistic, and, in our eagerness to work on ourselves, sometimes we can make our entire lives become consumed by this pursuit. Whilst this is a noble pursuit and we should pursue this, it should not be at the expense of other aspects of our life that that deserve and require our attention. Some people make their trauma their entire identity. It is not. We are much, much more than this. As you go through the process, the issues that you experience will become less frequent. Just pace yourself, and remember that self-care is very important when dealing with trauma, which is why I emphasized making sure you're looking after other aspects of your life, as well as working through your healing process. 

It's also important to mention that we need to deal with complex trauma two levels and we have to have both. There's the stuff that triggers our trauma that's taking place in the present, so the current stressors that are feeding into the previous traumas, we need to deal with this. And we need to be on top of this, as well as working through past traumas. Now, the past traumas, it's important to mention, these should take place, ideally, within a therapy or counseling setting. A common theme in trauma is secrecy, and I can relate to this. Many of us will feel shame about what we're feeling, what we're experiencing. We want to keep it a secret from people, but we have to talk about it, and this is so important. As someone who has an amazing support network, and has also participated in therapy, both have a role to play. If it's possible for you to do so, and you have the means and the access, then I would encourage both. I would encourage therapy as well as a support system if you have that. Because a therapist, in my humble opinion, is somebody who can help you see yourself in a way that normal people just can't. They have a unique ability to help you look at yourself in a 360-degree view and help you understand yourself better. I highly, highly encourage you. I've only had a positive experience with therapy.

It’s also important to mention that we need to honestly express our emotions, whatever they might be: anger, sadness, confusion, fear, we should not shy away from our emotions. It's very important to express them in healthy ways. And again, therapy and support groups can play a role in that and will play a role in that. Journaling also helps, this is something that I've done in the past, and which is incredibly helpful, particularly if you are just starting in the process, and are not comfortable being honest with yourself about what's happening. Journaling is a very safe environment, because only you can see what you've written, unless you share it with someone. So, I've often found that quite a good place to start. Exercise is amazing. The benefits are countless and other anger-release methods of which there are many.

Waheed  14:05
We'll talk about the details of all of these, inshaAllah, in this episode. 

Aadam  14:09
InshaAllah. It's important to also say that this entire process will most certainly involve some level of grieving, and we should be prepared for that and not afraid of that. We have, more often than not, held on to lots of pain throughout our lives, and it's never been given the chance to grieve. So, as we go through the healing process, it is more than likely that there will be grieving and we shouldn't be afraid of it. Provided that we have the right people around us that are the right support, it can be a cleansing experience, an experience that we can appreciate, especially with the right support to help us through it. 

Now moving on to the practical tips that we've mentioned so much, the bio-psycho-social-spiritual model. The content of this episode is a synthesis of several sources, so I just want to list them for you here so you're aware of where the content has come from. We'll also add them to the episode description. If you're interested in reading or learning more, then you'll be able to access each of these sources. The first is Tim Fletcher's series on complex trauma. Another is a book, Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect by Jonice Webb, which I highly recommend. It's a really good book. The next is a book by Dr. Nicola LePera, How to do The Work, which is also amazing, and if you haven't seen Dr. LePera’s work, I highly encourage it.

Waheed  15:45
We encourage it, it is amazing.

Aadam  15:49
Yeah, we both encourage it. She's really, really good at what she does. As well as the seven A’s of healing outlined by Dr. Gabor Maté in his book, When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress. Let's start with the bio from the bio-psycho-social-spiritual model. 

Waheed  16:13
When we refer to the “bio” aspects of this model, here, we are talking about proper nutrition, proper sleep, breathwork, movement, and play. Let's examine each of those five things. Starting with proper nutrition, many of us have complicated feelings surrounding food, and we often live with chronic gut and digestive issues. It is helpful to gain an awareness of the effects of nutrition on our body, and therefore our mental state. Very few of us meet the nutritional demands of our body. Instead, we tend to eat based on how we feel. So, if we're sad or bored, or happy or lonely, or if we're excited, our food patterns change. On the flip side, we make food choices out of necessity or out of habit or out of obligation. All of this input around food disconnects us from the actual needs of our body. 

Chronic and overwhelming stress that we experience in childhood can make it harder for our bodies to rest and digest properly. Remember, when our brain is in stress mode, the alarm is off the whole-time, survival brain, the body is going to be stressed as a result. This is confirmed by repeated studies on the role of trauma and the development of gastrointestinal issues in adulthood. Now, we have around 500 million neurons or nerve cells in our gut. These can communicate directly with the brain via a pathway that is known as the “gut-brain axis”. This is one of the most studied examples of the mind-body connection. There's also a network of nerve cells along the gut wall itself that makes up what is known as the enteric nervous system, which researchers actually call the “second brain”. Now, like the neurons that are found in our actual brain, the cells in the enteric nervous system are constantly in communication with various regions of the body, and they signal the release of hormones, and they send chemical messages all throughout the body. Now, this enteric nervous system gathers information also from the microbiome, and what do we mean by microbiome? This basically involves all of the bacteria, the fungi and other microbes that live inside our gut. A lot of these microbes that live in the gut, they produce neurotransmitters, as they break down the food that we eat, and they send these microbial messages to the brain. So, these microbes that live in our digestive system, they literally influence our reality.

Aadam  18:50
In a trauma state, physical dysregulation in both the nervous system and the gut impairs our digestion, working against our ability to properly absorb nutrients from our food. When our body is stressed, our nervous system is on alert mode. So, we either expel our food or hold on to it, resulting in symptoms such as diarrhea and constipation. Our body's dysregulation is likely mirrored in the gut, where an imbalanced microbiome also hinders the extraction of nutrients from our food. Over time, our bodies become chronically deprived of the nutrients they need. No matter how healthy or plentiful our diet is, we can often end up undernourished and hungry. If our diet isn't so healthy, things get worse. Our intestinal lining becomes inflamed when we consume foods that cause damage to that lining, including sugar, processed carbohydrates, and inflammatory fats, such as trans fats and many vegetable oils. These foods provide sustenance for the less desirable occupants of your gut microbiome. Some microbes are good for you, while others make you sick. This collection of microbes lays the groundwork for a condition called “gut dysbiosis”, in which the balance of your enter ecosystem favors the bad bugs that eventually cause you harm. When dysbiosis occurs, a condition called “leaky gut” typically follows. And leaky gut is just what it sounds like, a gut lining that instead of acting as a barrier, has become permeable, allowing bacteria to leak out of it, and into our body's circulatory systems. When bad bacteria leak into the bloodstream, our immune system responds, recognizing those bacteria as a foreign invader, and firing up our immune response. This spreads inflammatory chemicals all over our body. A chronically inflamed gut often leads to larger systemic inflammation in which inflammation runs rampant throughout the body. This can make us feel sick, lethargic, and even in some cases, psychologically ill. Studies suggest that gut dysbiosis may be a possible root cause for some conditions that we label as mental illness, including depression, autism, anxiety, ADHD, and even schizophrenia. The research has been so promising that there is now an emerging field of medicine called neuro-immunology, which is devoted to exploring the gut-immune system-brain connection. Early research in this field indicates that inflammation in the body can enter and reach the brain, and an inflamed brain can lead to a host of neurological, psychological and psychiatric conditions. There is promising evidence that when the gut wall is healed via dietary interventions, along with supplemental probiotics, some mental health symptoms may be alleviated.

Waheed  21:33
Absolutely. So if you're wondering, how do we manage this? The quickest way to improve our gut health, meaning to support our microbiome, and to maintain the integrity of our gut wall, is to eat whole nutrient-dense food. The direct line between the gut and the brain makes each meal an opportunity for healing and nourishment. It's very rare nowadays to find a psychologist who will ask you what you're eating, but food plays an incredibly important role in mental wellness, we cannot ignore that. So, in addition to consuming nutrient-dense foods that make you feel your best, adding fermented foods, such as sauerkraut, yogurt, kefir, and kimchi to your diet can also be helpful, as they are rich in naturally occurring probiotics. Another popular nutritional approach that has gained wide widespread appeal and is supported by various academic studies is intermittent fasting. Planned fasts, where there are intervals during the day where we do not eat, they give our digestive system a break within healthy bounds. This challenges our body in beneficial ways and improves our nervous system response. This could involve full day fasts, or maybe 10-hour windows of eating, or just snacking less frequently during the day. Fasting gives our digestive system a rest, and it frees up the energy that would be devoted to digestion for use elsewhere. It could also help to increase our insulin sensitivity and regulate our blood sugar, keeping us from becoming a “sugar burner”, who is always hungry and looking for the next sugar fix. Now, of course, we as Muslims are used to fasting at least a whole month every year, and we know it's sunnah to fast for example, three days a month, or two days a week, like Mondays and Thursdays, and on other occasions. So, there are spiritual benefits as we know, and now we're learning more and more about the physical benefits of fasting as well, which also include all of these cognitive benefits that improve our healing process and our mood. Now, of course, just an FYI, full length fasting, or intermittent fasting, may not be appropriate for everyone, especially those with chronic health conditions, or a past history of eating disorders. So, it goes without saying that medical consultation is necessary before we try this out. 

Aadam  24:01
The second point is proper sleep. After food, the most common way that we let ourselves down happens every single night. Most of us do not get enough sleep. 

Waheed  24:11
Amen. 

Aadam  24:15
Yeah. We now know that inadequate sleep is incredibly damaging, especially to our growing body. When we sleep, our body actually repairs itself. This is when our gut gets a chance to take a break from digestion. Our brain “washes” itself and clears up debris and our cells regenerate. Sleep is a time of ultimate healing, if you want to think about it like that. All of the organs and systems of our body, including our nervous system benefit from sleep. We know this because of the fact that sleep deprivation has been linked to depression, cardiovascular illness, and even cancer, obesity and neurological conditions such as Alzheimer's disease. People over the age of 45, who sleep for less than six hours a night are 200% more likely to suffer a heart attack or stroke than those who sleep longer, which is staggering. Sleep is key to mental and physical health, yet few of us prioritize it in any meaningful way. There are so many simple ways we can prepare our sleep spaces and our bodies to give us the best chance of getting a negative restful healing sleep. The first step is to assess how much we actually sleep. So many of us are unsure or even outright delusional about our sleep habits. We may get into bed around 11pm and will often spend an hour being activated while scrolling through our phones before we actually shut off the lights. Keep tabs on your sleep behaviors. Try and honestly notice your personal sleep patterns. 

Waheed  25:44
Absolutely. So it starts that way, just observe how many hours you get per night. It's important to know that the most important way to improve our sleep is to help ease our parasympathetic system into its happy place of relaxation. The parasympathetic system is part of our autonomic nervous system, which allows us to “rest and digest”. Any substances like coffee, which includes caffeine, they directly work against the most important stage in our sleep cycle. As we know, the sleep cycle is made up of different stages, and the deepest sleep which is known as the REM sleep, which stands for “rapid eye movement”, this is the most important stage of sleep. Consuming substances before going to sleep, like caffeine, these are the biggest physiological barriers to getting into this restful place or deep sleep. The advice is always to try to limit the caffeine consumption to certain hours, and preferably limit coffee to at least eight hours before you go to bed, to make sure that it's washed out of your body before you sleep. It's incredibly important to maintain a consistent bedtime routine because it primes your body to enter that parasympathetic state in the lead up to actually getting into bed. 

I'm speaking from personal experience, if I don't fix my sleeping schedule, and if I don't go to bed at an appropriate time every night, then it just affects everything that happens in the next 24 hours for me. This is actually a very sacred ritual for me personally. I set up sleep prep timers on my phone to remind me to wind down before my bedtime. So, like an hour before going to bed, I get an alarm on my phone to prepare myself mentally that, OK, I need to be in bed in around an hour. I try to turn off all screens before going to bed at least an hour, some people do it a few hours before going to bed. A good advice is to spend time reading or maybe listening to music, making dhikr, reading Quran or whatever you do, just avoid screens before going to bed, and limit the hours you spend in front of the TV in that time that is leading up to your bedtime. Some people take a bath to relax themselves, or maybe they get a massage from their spouse, or they snuggle with a pet that they have. All of these things can promote a sense of calm and relaxation that will make it easier for you to fall and stay asleep. This is as far as sleep is concerned, and obviously there are tons of resources online that can help you establish your sleep routine and get into the habit of being structured around your sleep, and that, honestly, we promise, once your sleep is fixed, so many things in your life are going to fall into place, inshaAllah. 

Aadam  28:36
There's also lots of technology apps, watches and things that you can buy that will help you monitor your sleep and overall health. So, it's definitely worth checking those out. If you have to be on your computer screen or using your phone, you can use the blue light filter on your phones and screens to help limit the amount of blue light, which is what basically sends a signal to our brain that it’s daytime and that we need to stay awake.

Waheed  29:05
Absolutely, and speaking of the gadgets or the smart watches that you talked about, I think a lot of them include sleep trackers that can track the amount of sleep that you're getting, and even the stages of sleep, so, how much deep sleep you've been getting, shallow sleep or light sleep, and how many times you might have woken up during your sleep, etc. That's one way to track how much you've been sleeping. And you have to be consistent about that. These are general pieces of advice.

Aadam  29:36
Okay, so the third one is breathwork. Now, studies have shown a link between daily breathwork practices and increased longevity. The theory is that, by managing our stress response, we decrease our inflammatory response and stimulate hormones that maintain parts of chromosomes called telomeres that are associated with longer life. According to James Nestor, the author of the book Breath: The New Science of a Lost Art, a two-decade long research study of 5,200 people showed that, and I quote, “The greatest indicator of lifespan wasn't genetics, diet or the amount of daily exercise, as many had suspected. It was lung capacity. Larger lungs equal longer lives, because big lungs allow us to get more air in with fewer breaths”, which for me is a very shocking realization. Shallow breathing or mouth breathing in particular, can create or worsen a variety of illnesses from hypertension to attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, also known as ADHD. It strips our body of essential nutrients and weakens our skeletal structure. One of the most extraordinary utilizers of the power of breath is Wim Hof, popularly known as “The Iceman”.

Waheed  30:56
By the way, this guy is amazing. I don't know if you follow him on social media or if you've seen his meditations on Insight Timer, but he is so scary, like, mashaAllah, I've never seen anyone with his physiology! This guy, yeah, I encourage everyone listening to check him out… 

Aadam  31:16
Yeah… Wim set a Guinness World Record for swimming under ice, took a two hour ice bath, and ran a marathon barefoot without a shirt above the Arctic ice circle. Wim Hof says in his book, “Your mind makes you strong from within, it is your wise companion”. This is from his book, Becoming the Iceman. He also says, “If you can grab the wheel of your mind, you can steer the direction of where your mind will go.” 

Waheed  31:45
Yeah, definitely. So, this man has reached a point where he is able to master his mind to the point that his physiology is not affected by the external circumstances. This is an extreme example, but it just shows you the power of the mind, subhan Allah. He talks a lot about the power of breath, and he has been doing that for a very long time to the point that he got to where he is right now. This can show you the ripple effects of this, and there are so many different breathwork practices that we can explore. A personal favorite that I've started with, and I'm a rookie when it comes to breath work so, I'm starting now from scratch, and I encourage you to explore this, when you have the chance, when you have the space and the time to engage in very simple breathing exercises, and then you can increase its timespan as you go along. Try to start with this on an empty stomach, when you wake up in the morning, after your stretching exercises when you get out of bed, or at nighttime before you go to bed. You can sit or lie down in a comfortable place with few or no distractions, and then you take a deep breath from the lowest part of your stomach. You inhale until you can't take in any more air. You stop, you hold your breath for two to three seconds. And then you exhale nice and slowly without any force. We take one cycle of regular breathing in and out. Okay, so that's one cycle, and then we repeat that 10 times. Do this every morning, a few moments after waking up to start your day, or before you go to bed, before you sleep. Sometimes you might want to practice for five minutes. It does sound short, but I promise you, it is very challenging if you are new to this practice.

And if you're a beginner to this, don't do it more than a minute, a minute would be enough. As you go along this, with time, you can increase the time interval. With constant practice, I can tell you that you can use your breathing, your deep breathing, as a tool to calm your body when you aren't emotionally activated when you need it the most. And as someone who struggles with anxiety, deep breathing has done wonders for me, especially at moments of triggers and anxiety.

Aadam  34:16
Yeah, I would agree with that. I think it helps bring your focus back from whatever is causing the anxiety and can help ground us in our body, which is what quite often is not happening when we're emotionally triggered.  

Okay, so the fourth component is movement. Any activity - running, swimming, hiking, where mind and body are linked in a safe place helps improve our stress tolerance. Exercises that challenge your mind and body reduce your risk of developing cardiovascular disease and dementia and may even slow the aging process. Physical exercise deepens sleep and improves mood by releasing neurochemicals in the brain including dopamine, serotonin, and noradrenaline, which all make you feel happier and less stressed. In general, cardiovascular exercise, which increases oxygen and blood circulation all over the body creates measurable changes in the brain, increasing the size and health of the organ will stimulate new neuronal pathways and strengthen existing ones. Our physical activity and exercise such as running, martial arts and yoga can help us reconnect with our bodies and we gain agency over it. Particularly with issues of abuse, especially sexual abuse, learning martial arts and practicing sports can be very empowering and allow us to feel more in control of our bodies, restoring our sense of agency.

Waheed  35:40
Absolutely 100%. And a brilliant exercise practice is yoga. Many of us listening might be already engaged in yoga, and I know for one, Aadam also, both of us, we practice yoga. It's a wonderful, wonderful exercise. It engages both the mind and the body by combining the regulatory power of our breath with movement, and the more that we advance in the practice of yoga, there are more challenging poses, and these poses begin to test our body's physical limits. It further stresses our system, and it offers an opportunity to reconnect with this calming power of our breath. And it comes with tons of physiological benefits as well. There's a renowned neuroscientist and psychiatrist by the name of Dr. Stephen Porges, who proposed what is known as the polyvagal theory in 1994, which emphasized the importance of physiological state and behavioral regulation. The term “polyvagal” refers to the vagus nerve in our body which connects the brain and the gut. And the vagus nerve has many branches of sensory fibers that run throughout the rest of the body, from the brainstem to the heart, to the lungs, all the way to the genitals and below. All of the organs are connected, and it connects every major organ to the brain. Now, the location and the function of these nerves helps us understand why the body reacts so swiftly when we are stressed. The feelings of anxiety, panic, loss of control, and so on and so forth. When we are in a state of homeostasis or harmony, the vagus nerve acts as a “neutral break”, keeping us calm and open. It helps us be our most social selves even. When the vagus nerve is activated, and it enters its defensive system, the fight-flight-freeze response that we've been talking about throughout these episodes, those responses can manifest themselves almost immediately. Now, we're not going to go into detail when it comes to the polyvagal theory. I'll just add a few references in the episode description on polyvagal theory if you're interested in reading more about it.

Aadam  37:51
Dr. Stephen Porges started studying yoga in the 1990s in India and found that many yogic practices are designed to activate the body's stress responses of fight, flight or freeze. The whole idea behind yoga he said in an interview, “Is that through training, you can begin going into these immobilizing states normally linked with faint and freeze, but more aware and less frightened.” He described it as the ability to go deep inside oneself and feel secure in response to a perceived threat. This is key to healing, learning the power of your body and your mind by testing their outer limits. As we take on deeper and more taxing postures in yoga, our vagus nerve learns how to control our stressors once and return more readily to the state of calmness and safety where healing happens. We learn how to bounce back faster, become more resilient in the face of controlled physical and mental adversity. In one study, people who were practicing yoga for six years or longer could keep their hands in ice water for twice the time of controls who never practiced it. The yoga practitioners did not distract themselves from the pain, as the non-yogis did, but actually leaned into the sensation and found ways to focus on and channel the pain as a way to get through the sensation, this is the essence of resilience exercise, which is quite fascinating. My yoga practice has just been quite casual. But as you were saying before, I highly recommend it. I think that it's very relaxing, it's amazing for releasing muscle tension, which is what I tend to use it for. So, I would highly recommend it to anybody who might be having challenges there, or even if they just want to check it out.

Waheed  39:31
Absolutely. And you can look up good practices in your own area or online through YouTube videos. Yeah, there are lots of yoga practitioners who guide you through different practices, especially starting from beginner level all the way to advanced. So, this is one thing to think about. But really what we're talking about here is any activity or exercise that you enjoy, that allows your body to move. With exercise comes this release of endorphins and happy hormones and dopamine and serotonin etc. And this has a huge boost to our mental state.  

And the last thing in the “bio” part of the bio-psycho-social-spiritual model is called play. For many of us, joy and the expression of pure happiness is only a memory, unfortunately. We've forgotten this happy freedom of doing something just for the sake of doing it for the sake of having fun. Not for any gain or any requirement or any external motivation or validation or whatever. Remember, when we were kids, we did things just because we wanted to do them. We felt this way, maybe it was just dancing, running around freely on the beach or expressing ourselves artistically like drawing things and painting, etc. As adults, we can still experience a similar joyous freedom when we allow ourselves to play. This might involve like dancing without having your ego interfere and shame you about dancing, or sounding foolish or looking foolish, who cares? Or like when you play music just for fun, or when you make some noises, or you do something quirky or out of the ordinary. What happens is that we get caught up in that moment, and we feel like we're outside of the boundaries of time. And this joy is healing in and of itself.

Aadam  41:25
Yeah, absolutely. When we joke around with someone, play a group game with others, or even compete against a friend in a video game, we shift into and out of fight-flight-freeze modes and our safe social engagement modes of calmness and security. This helps to teach our body how to recover quickly and in a similar way, as we learned during a yoga practice, for example. One nice activity that I can attest to is singing, which for many of us is a pleasurable experience. We may have been conditioned to keep our voices to ourselves, when others said that we couldn't carry a tune, for example. Try and remember back to when you were a child, and the various ways singing was used to develop self-awareness, confidence and joy. That said, we teach kids the alphabet, for example, or in primary school, they will sing songs to teach kids various things that they're learning. The benefits of singing don't stop in adulthood. Belting out your favorite song can be helpful in many of the similar ways that breathwork, yoga and play are. And if you can sing with other people, the benefits are even greater. The core regulatory force of a roomful of singers is incredibly uplifting, even singing to yourself can be healing. So, if you don't feel like doing it with others, or you're a little shy, then you're more than okay and welcome to do it yourself. I've invested a lot of time in it, and I treat it like a hobby, but it's also a pursuit to get better at singing. So, it's incredibly rewarding when you invest in something like that, because so much of what I do in my day to day is not artistic, at least not in this way. So, it's a really great artistic endeavor to help switch you into a totally different mode of thinking and being and letting yourself express how you want to express.

Waheed  43:30
So now, we shift into the second part of the model, which is the psychological aspect of the bio-psycho-social-spiritual. We'd like to start this section of the episode by saying, we need to be compassionate towards ourselves. We've been talking about complex trauma for the past three episodes. The ways that we developed in order to cope with trauma have been shown to be unhealthy in the long run, but they made sense at the time, because they were methods of survival. It's very important to realize that we are not failures, you're not a failure, you're not weak, you're not crazy. So instead of hating yourself and beating yourself up for your behaviors that you resorted to at a time when you needed that, because your brain wanted to survive and to protect you… Instead of beating yourself up for it and blaming yourself, have compassion, and accept yourself. We know that this is easier said than done. But it's very, very important, and it comes with practice. Start like this, keep the sentence in your mind: Treat yourself like you treat someone you love and care about. Talk to yourself the way that you talk to someone that you love and care about. When you talk to yourself and you realize all of these coping strategies that you have adopted, say to yourself that you were just a kid, you learned these survival skills to go through life, and you were just trying to survive. Now, you have come to realize that they weren't healthy coping strategies. But you didn't know that as a kid, you're learning, you're growing and you're healing. 

Here, we talk about the first A of the A’s of healing by the famous addiction and trauma specialist, author and speaker, Dr. Gabor Maté. The first A is acceptance. It is meeting ourselves right where we are and accepting us as is, with all of our flaws and everything. Whatever emotions we are feeling, however we look, however we physically feel, whatever thoughts or feelings we have about ourselves. We accept them as they are. We look at ourselves honestly, and we fully accept who we are. Doing this is the first hurdle that we need to overcome. We are good, we are enough, and we are worthy of compassion. This does not mean that we're not going to improve. But the first step to healing is actually accepting everything that we have, everything that we are. You are good, you are enough, and you are worthy of compassion, and love, and all the good things. A good example of acceptance might be telling yourself, “Today I am feeling anxious, I'm feeling frustrated, I'm feeling unsettled about the lack of control that I have. Despite my anxiety, I'm still a person who is worthy of compassion.” And again, this takes time to develop, but start now. This honesty and acknowledgement may be difficult. At times, you might want to dismiss it, and you want to throw it away and consider it to be unimportant. But with practice, it will become easier. And Aadam and I will also attest to this, because for as long as we could remember, we lacked in self-compassion. And, subhan Allah, I remember in season one, when you and I were talking about self-compassion, vulnerability, and shame, back in episodes two and three, and right here, we're in episode number 46, and we're talking about this, subhan Allah, it's been a long time, and we've come a long way, alhamdulillah. And we still have a long way to go. But this just shows you that there is a chance for healing and recovery and growth. And you are worthy of that.

Aadam  47:17
The next component that we want to talk about is grounding and mindfulness. These are techniques that help a person detach from overwhelming pain. It helps the person to reconnect with their body in the present moment so that they can safely process traumatic memories. I really love this, and I found it very useful, so I highly, highly encourage it. It’s one of the best ways to witness yourself without being caught up in the whirlwind of our emotions. I highly, highly recommend this component of the psychological part of this framework. And our dear friend, Dr. Gabor Maté wrote in his book, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction, he says, “The greatest damage done by neglect, trauma or emotional loss is not the immediate pain they inflict but the long-term distortions they induce in the way a developing child will continue to interpret the world and her situation in it. All too often these ill-conditioned implicit beliefs become self-fulfilling prophecies in our lives. We create meanings from our unconscious interpretation of early events, and then we forge our present experiences from the meaning we’ve created. Unwittingly, we write the story of our future from narratives based on the past… Mindful awareness can bring into consciousness those hidden, past-based perspectives so that they no longer frame our worldview.’ Choice begins the moment you disidentify from the mind and its conditioned patterns, the moment you become present… Until you reach that point, you are unconscious.’ … In present awareness we are liberated from the past.”

Waheed  49:05
Beautifully said. I absolutely love that quote. 

Aadam  49:06
Yeah, he articulated it far better than I tried to before! In a nutshell, that's my experience of mindfulness.  

Waheed  49:17
Absolutely. And earlier this season, we have talked about self-awareness and conscious awareness and how the subconscious takes over, because of all the conditioning, and how to be present in the moment and cultivate that conscious awareness. And that is very important. And this is basically what we’re talking about. 

Aadam  49:33
Yeah. When we feel stress or pressure mounting inside, we use these grounding and mindfulness techniques to help us reconnect with the reality and deescalate, so that we're able to feel safe and process things happening inside of us. A beautiful quote from Rumi is, “These pains you feel are messengers. Listen to them.” That's such a profound perspective and wisdom, because quite often we're trying to run from them. But if we just become compassionately and lovingly curious, perhaps we can discover something that they're trying to tell us. 

The second A of the seven A’s of trauma healing by Gabor Maté is Awareness. Being aware of what our bodies are telling us. Listening to what the body feels can help to guide us in a path to help heal any emotional or physical wounds. For example, one day, you may feel foggy and lethargic. When you are made aware of those feelings and you take in those thoughts, you're able to apply that to guide future choices, thoughts and decisions. 

Waheed  50:37
Absolutely. It's important to develop some of these grounding techniques on a regular basis, and to have them in our back pocket, so to speak. And once we develop them, we can use them when we are triggered, when we are emotionally not feeling well, when we go through anxiety, or panic or whatever else that we need, these are there to help us. So, what are some examples of this? There's something called “mental grounding”, and these exercises are helpful in these fight-flight-freeze situations when we're anxious or when we're fearful, etc. What you do in that moment, just take a breath and try to describe the environment around you in detail. I am in this room, what am I seeing? Describe them to yourself. Some people will play the categories game, where you just list the different cities of your country, for example, or the different famous sports teams, or the different famous movie stars, or the last couple of movies you have seen. This basically grounds you in the moment, or shifts your focus from that panic moment. Some people might do mental grounding in the form of visualizing a safe space that they like or a symbol that they associate with safety, a particular safe symbol, so to speak. Some people keep a picture of themselves as children or a picture of their child or their loved one in their wallet or their back pocket so that they can look at it, to be mentally grounded, and just to feel those positive emotions, to shift their focus from the panic or the anxiety that they're feeling. And there are tons of ways that we can mentally ground ourselves. So, this is mental grounding. 

Another example of grounding techniques is “physical grounding”, like using your five senses, and we've spoken about this earlier in the podcast this season. So, being in the present moment, using your five senses, what am I seeing right now? What am I hearing? What am I smelling? What am I tasting? What am I feeling with my skin? Or where am I sitting? Is it warm? Is it cold? Is it too hot? Just try and ground yourself by using your five senses and being aware of the present moment. Sometimes you might want to touch objects around you just to feel them, to feel that you are in the moment. Consciously feel your feet on the floor. Focus on your breathing, breathe in, breathe out, just focus on the air that is coming in and getting out of your body. Some people might do some stretching exercises. Stand up, do some stretching exercises, be in the present moment. So all of this is physical grounding. 

Another example of grounding techniques are soothing statements or self-talk and affirmation. So basically, you talking to yourself, and using statements like “My name is so and so. I am safe right now. I am at place so and so, the date is so and so. I am so and so years old,” you know list of facts that I am in the present and not in the past. This activates your prefrontal cortex, your thinking brain, and shifts it from that limbic system, that survival brain that’s taking over in the moment of panic. Sometimes you want to say positive affirmations to yourself. “I am worthy. I am loved. This is not me. This panic moment or anxiety is not me. I am more than this. These are just feelings, they will go. I matter.” Repeating those positive affirmations to yourself brings back a lot of things into focus. 

Practicing gratitude is phenomenal. Remind yourself: “I have grown so much in the last year, I have come a long way, alhamdulillah.” Being grateful for all of the good things that have happened in your life. This is another exercise in grounding. 

There are certain professional techniques that therapists would use, one of which is EMDR, which is known as eye movement, desensitization and reprocessing. And there are so many therapists globally who are experts in this. And this EMDR in particular is very well researched. And the idea behind it is that you sit in a professional environment with a therapist, and you move your eyes from one extreme to the other, like from the extreme right and extreme left, as you are processing the trauma with a particular specialist. And the eye movement itself, it helps the emotional part of the brain and the thinking part of the brain to connect together and to not be separated or dissociated from each other at the time of trigger or at the time of trauma. And, of course, there are other trauma processing modalities and kinds of therapy out there, EMDR is just one helpful example. And if you have been through trauma events in your life, and if there is a licensed specialist in EMDR in your area, then definitely this is one of the recommended techniques if and when you are ready. This is another very helpful tool to explore. 

Aadam  56:02
So, we've talked so far about being compassionate towards yourself, grounding and mindfulness. And now we're going to talk about the cognitive component. Complex trauma is distorted reality, it results in you believing lies about yourself, your life, relationships, how to be safe, and how to be happy. Healing involves gradually identifying these lies and replacing them with the truth and renewing our mind, so to speak. Complex trauma, it created mainly negative thought loops, toxic thinking, internal self-talk, such as “I'm a failure, I can't do anything, I'll never amount to anything, I'm stupid, I'll never get this, this is too much, I can't handle it, I can't deal with it. Nobody will ever want to be my friend, nobody cares about me,” and so on and so forth. And you know, with healing, you can begin to identify these thought loops and isolate them and actually talk to yourself, and challenge those notions, deconstructing them and dissolving them in the process. As you might remember, complex trauma created emotional reasoning. The idea that “this feels too big, therefore it must be too big”. “It feels like I can't do it, so it must mean that I can't do it,” “It feels like abandonment, so it must be abandonment.” And it makes sense because it feels that way. But we have to learn how to argue against that. So just because something feels a certain way, it doesn't necessarily mean that it's true. And you know, part of this is to deconstruct that emotional reasoning so that we can move into a better place in our life and situations. 

Waheed  57:44
Absolutely. And don't feel that you need to do this on your own. Reach out to your support system, reach out to your therapist or counselor, and they can help you with that. And eventually you get to a point where you can do it yourself, inshaAllah. Brain research is showing more and more that what we think affects ourselves, our brain health, our mental health, even at the molecular level. Our thinking affects everything about our reality. We have to challenge our thinking to be able to heal. And again, a beautiful quote by Dr. Gabor Maté, and I'm quoting, “We may not be responsible for the world that created our minds, but we can take responsibility for the mind with which we create our world.”

So, a lot of learning tools are important to help us process our thinking and improve our thinking and heal from all of these patterns that we develop growing up. So going to cognitive behavioral therapy, or dialectic behavioral therapy, these are proving to be very helpful in dealing with complex trauma. What we think when we are struggling, what we think when we go about life, and so on. Now, with CBT, or cognitive behavioral therapy, we are able to recognize when our thoughts might become troublesome, and the therapy gives us techniques to redirect those thoughts. With DBT, or dialectic behavioral therapy, we find ways to accept ourselves, to feel safe, and to manage our emotions, to help regulate potentially destructive or harmful behaviors. And with DBT, in particular, there's focus on building techniques with mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotional regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness. And this happens in workshops and also through therapy. I encourage anyone who's interested in these things to look them up online and read more about them. And of course, there are so many different types of therapy out there that tap into different dimensions like memory, body states, consciousness, inner subpersonalities that we have, attachments, relationships, and so on. We encourage you to check these out and see what works for you personally. And one piece of advice is the following: Don't put all of your eggs in one basket. Many people think that if they only do therapy, or if they only read books and attend talks and so on, they will heal on their own. It does not work that way. Yes, we may benefit, definitely there is a benefit in that. But if we don't get to the other pieces as well, like the relationship aspects, the support, the spirituality, the biological components, etc., we will only go so far. 

Aadam  1:00:32
Yeah, subhan Allah. I couldn't agree more. And the next component we want to talk about is responding to triggers in new ways, which is probably the most difficult part. But this is where the deepest healing happens, because the old stuff comes in large waves. That's where the actual work gets done. In that nanosecond, you have a choice between two things, either go back to the old habits, and the things that you're used to, or you choose to respond in new ways. 

Waheed  1:01:01
And this is very difficult, especially in a moment of trigger, right? 

Aadam  1:01:04
Yeah, absolutely. And this is where some of the other things that we've mentioned help, so like the mindfulness techniques will help train you to become more aware of when that happens. I can attest to that, because I used to feel like I was not even aware when that would happen, but I feel like I've gotten to a better place, and I’m still working on it. Many things will trigger trauma, like reminders of past events, feeling overwhelmed, stress, a lack of power or control, feelings of vulnerability, conflict in relationships, separation or loss, change, disruptions of normal routine and schedule. As a result, these triggers can make us feel panicked, anxious, overwhelmed, and our fight-flight-freeze response will kick in. And this is where the new decision has to be made. It will be a powerful sensation, unpleasant feelings, you will want the feelings to go away immediately. You will often feel like you have regressed or forgotten everything that you've learned. But we have to sit in the experience and walk ourselves through it. If you're early on in your recovery, have a safe person help you go through those experiences. Choose to respond in a new way, and use the tools that you have gained. And again, just to emphasize, this is difficult, this is not easy. And it's important that we remember compassion here, and we don't beat ourselves up, if we do respond in the way that we're used to. 

Waheed  1:02:35
Absolutely, yeah. And you don't have to do this alone, particularly at the beginning. There are people who can help you through this, inshaAllah. And while we're talking about responding to triggers, dealing with anger is a very important topic that we need to talk about. We spoke about this in detail in earlier episodes on complex trauma, as you guys remember. Anger is actually the third A of the seven As of healing by Gabor Maté. As he describes it, “Anger is a physiological process to be experienced… It has cognitive value.” And I love how he describes anger. It's something to be aware of, to feel and to experience and then to move forward from. And here I'm quoting him, “I am greatly empowered without harming anyone, if I permit myself to experience the anger, and to contemplate what may have triggered it.” To just be objective about it, a lot of us were not allowed to express our anger as kids, and so we grew up bottling up all of that anger, and we don't know how to deal with that. But shifting that perspective into allowing that anger to just be and to contemplate what may have caused me to become angry in the first place, and then realizing that it can go away in healthy ways. We know that harboring anger and forcing it down is going to cause more harm than good. Anger, when it's unexpressed, can lead to hostility and resentment and aggression and so many other problems. It leads to more stress in our body, and that does not help our healing. 

When we are able to experience, express and consider anger in a productive and healthy way, that is important in our healing process. Here we're talking about mindfulness, about conscious awareness, the grounding techniques. Some people choose to sweat it out, to do sports, and to let all of that anger out, they stomp their feet. They just let all of that anger out. And that's a healthy way. Some people resort to kickboxing, for example, or martial arts. And that's wonderful. Aadam and I used to watch “How to Get Away with Murder”, and some of you guys may have watched that show. And if you have, you recall Annalise Keating - Viola Davis, shout out to her, she's the queen, we love her. If you recall that, on her own journey of healing from addiction, she eventually had to manage all of that anger. And if you recall, she used to take that rod, that fireplace rod, and then she would place a pillow on her couch. And she would use that rod to hit that pillow. She's not damaging anyone or anything. But she would hit that pillow. And as she was doing that, she would express how she was feeling, she would say, “You are worthy, you are loved,” or “I am not stupid, I am not so and so,” but rather “I am this and I am that.” She allowed that range of emotion to get through her, that anger to get out, as she was physically releasing that anger. Now, obviously, for people who have anger management issues, then this technique might not actually help. But this is one thing to consider, if that works for you, then that's actually advocated for by a lot of therapists and counselors. So just look into that as a way of managing anger, for example. 

Other people might consider journaling, and journaling allows a lot of people to just express that anger on paper or on the laptop. And it's just between them. And it allows all of these frustrations to come out and be released as opposed to them being bottled down. Some people find that they can manage their anger by reconnecting with other people, maybe have someone who you can vent to, obviously not vent to all the time, 24/7 and emotionally dump things on them, because they're human at the end of the day, and will they will be drained. But here we're talking about like having your support system and eventually reaching out to a couple of people, every now and then where you just vent. And they can do the same with you. So, it goes both ways. So that's another way of helping that. Reconnecting with Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala and maybe telling Him about your anger and about all of your frustrations. This is another way. 

Some people go out in nature, and they hug a tree, or they go out to landscapes and nice places, or to the sea just to meditate or observe nature. Let it all out, maybe scream in the wilderness, and so on. There are different ways of handling anger and channeling it in healthy ways. See what works for you. But make sure you don't bottle it up and ignore it, because eventually it will explode.

Aadam  1:07:00
Yeah, and it's important at this point just to highlight something we should be aware of, which is falling into victim mentality. So, as children, we may well have been victims. But as adults, we do have a choice to do things differently, to be different. And there is a risk that we can slide into that mode of thinking, because it's perhaps familiar. Having that “poor me” attitude, and having hopes that others will take care of us, so that we don't have to take responsibility of our own situation. And whilst it might be soothing for a while, it never helps. It's familiar, but you don't have to go there, and there's a large pull to go there, but we don't have to do that. In the long run, it won’t serve us. 

And the next of the seven A’s, the fourth A, is Autonomy, which is simply your independent thoughts and actions or your personal boundaries. Developing your personal boundaries, and knowing yourself honestly, is the way that you can continue to move through your journey to healing and wellness. Think of it this way: s this something I really want? Or is this something someone else wants? Am I doing this thing to put up appearances or make someone else happy? Establishing those clear boundaries of who we are and what we value is putting us in control, and making us more in tune with our priorities, and helping us to avoid unnecessary stress and triggers. 

Waheed  1:08:35
Absolutely. Another aspect in the psychological model from the bio-psycho-social-spiritual model is the concept of neuroplasticity that we've been talking about throughout the season. Just like our brains develop particular neural pathways as a result of trauma, we can rewire our brains, given this characteristic of neuroplasticity that Allah has given us. One brilliant book that offers lots of insights and practical tips on this as well as explores innovative treatments from neurofeedback and meditation to sports and drama and yoga is this wonderful book by Dr. Bessel Van der Kolk, and it's called The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Healing of Trauma. It also has an accompanying workbook. I will add those resources in the episode description. Those resources are highly recommended; I encourage everyone to check these out. The book and the workbook are phenomenal and they’re highly recommended. 

Aadam  1:09:41
Yeah, sounds good. And I think, at this point, it's important to mention something for everyone, that failure is part of the process, and we should think of failures as an opportunity to learn. It’s possible that, at times, you will feel like you're not progressing, and this is completely normal, something that we all experience. Growth is not a linear journey. You're zigzagging all over the place. Up, down, left, right. This is entirely normal. That is what growth looks like. So please don't beat yourself up. Learn from your setbacks. Spend time and figure out what you could do differently if it happens again, which it may, and if it does, that's absolutely fine. This is not a sprint, remember, it's a marathon. And I came across a really nice acronym for “FAIL” that I wanted to share. So instead of thinking of failing in a bad way, another spin on it would be, to think of FAIL as: Forever Acquiring Important Lessons. Each failure or failed attempt is us forever acquiring important lessons, and it is true. Our mistakes and failures teach us things. So, yes, please remember that as you go through this process. 

Waheed  1:11:07
Absolutely. Beautifully said. 

1:11:16
The third part of the bio-psycho-social-spiritual model is the social aspect. And as you guys remember, in the previous episode, we talked about the interpersonal or relationship aspects. If we want to heal, there has to be an element of having a relationship with someone else. And here, we're not talking about a romantic relationship, we're talking about reaching out for help. Having a connection with someone else or with others on the journey. You cannot recover from trauma on your own, full stop. We wish we could do it on our own, but we can’t, and that is absolutely okay. We don't have to do it on our own, and we can't to begin with. Again, it's not just about reading books, or listening to lectures and figuring things out on your own. We need proper relationships, and we need help, there's no shame in that. Allah created us with this need for connection. We are not supposed to figure all of this out on our own. The problem is, as we have talked about in previous episodes, many of us kids who experienced complex trauma, we learned to not show weakness, which included not asking other people for help. So that's a problem. There is a fear at the back of our mind that “I'm going to be a burden,” that “I'm too needy,” or that “People are going to get tired of me.” How do we address this problem now?

You give yourself affirmations, and you say “That was my old thinking. Now, I have realized that it is counterproductive and unhelpful. I need to reach out to my support system or close circle and ask for help. There is no shame in that.” And here we're talking about the few people in your life that you trust. If someone comes to you and asks you for help, would you shame them? No, you wouldn't. You would love to help them out. And the same goes for you. Again, treat yourself like someone you love and care about. The thing with this particular relationship that we're talking about that gives you the chance to heal, is that you need someone in your life who loves you with a healthy, safe and irrational love. What do I mean by that? There's a beautiful quote by psychologist Urie Bronfenbrenner who said, and I'm quoting here, “In order to develop normally, a child requires progressively more complex joint activity with one or more adults who have an irrational emotional relationship with the child. Somebody's got to be crazy about that kid, that is number one. First, last, and always.” 

So, you need someone in your life who's crazy about you. By “crazy about you”, what we mean here is healthy, unconditional love, who is concerned about you, and who delights in you as a person. If you didn't have that in one or both of your parents, then you can have that as an adult. That’s part of the re-parenting process. You can have a “new parent” who can help you in this recovery journey. Those people are healthy, crazy about you, they delight in you. That's how healing begins to happen. That's the re-parenting process, having intimate and authentic relationship with someone. And it's not romantic. You look up to them, you can be emotionally and spiritually and intellectually connected with them, you can be open up with that person about things that are happening in your life, and you can process these things together. That's how healing happens. This is very important. I cannot stress this enough. 

You might be asking, “Oay, well, what makes a person safe?” or “How can I do that?” “What are the characteristics of this person? And how do I make sure that I can actually open up to those people?” We need to realize that you respect that person because of his or her character and values, they are trustworthy, they're not using you or taking advantage of you, they are honest, they are reliable and so on. They have a decent character. Also, the relationship is not romantic, it's platonic. Another thing is that they get you. They accept you where you are at, just the way you are, vs. for example parents in the past who did not accept you for who you are, who wanted you to be someone else. No, these people accept me for who I am in this moment. They take time to get to know you, they invest in you, they accept you for who you are, they see value in you. And, in addition to that, it's very important to know that they are able to establish good boundaries, they love you unconditionally, but they don't enable you to stay in those old and unhealthy behaviors that no longer serve you. And this is important. What do I mean by this? As we are embarking on this healing journey, we can be, as we have described in the previous two episodes, selfish, narcissistic, or behave as kids, or want things to happen our way. We want them to answer the phone all the time, we want them to be available when we need them, you know, so on and so forth, all of these behaviors. But healthy boundaries and expectations are needed. Otherwise, this is not going to work. The other side has to enforce those boundaries. So, for example, if I want to always call them or expect them to answer my text messages all the time, the boundary would be from them to tell me, “We can talk about this tomorrow.” Or “After 8pm, I'm going to be with my family, so we can talk about this tomorrow.” It won't kill me to sit in this for a few hours, and this is just an example. It might feel as rejection or cruelty, but it's necessary to grow and heal. And so on and so forth. 

Aadam  1:17:01
Yeah, and some of our greatest wounds came from opening our hearts to someone that we were intimate with, like our parents, our close friends even. And to heal at that level, we need to risk a relationship where we open up ourselves, again, at that level, with someone safe. So, remember, vulnerability, being vulnerable with people and healing our shame. Superficial relationships don't bring up the hidden issues. The deeper the intimacy, the greater the issues that will arise, and the more we get to know about each other and humanize each other. The issues come up with the most deeply committed relationships as well as with children, because these are the most intimate relationships that we'll have. In order to heal our deepest issues, we need to develop healthy and intimate relationships so that as our stuff comes up, we're able to deal with it in a safe and healthy way without fear of rejection, shame or being shut down.  

Waheed  1:18:00
Beautiful. Absolutely. 

Aadam  1:18:01
Yeah, and this is the fifth A of the seven A’s of healing by Dr. Gabor Maté: Attachment, being connected to others is a lifeline to healing. This is speaking not only to our relationships to others, but also how well we receive help and support from our loved ones. Relying on others requires letting go of the fear of vulnerability. You are not weak for needing others, you're strong for overcoming your fear and seeking the help that will inevitably benefit your healing. And the sixth A of the of the seven A’s also follows here, Assertion. With relationships and social interactions, we learn how to become more assertive, meaning to speak up for ourselves and to be confident and firm in a righteous way. According to Dr. Maté, assertion is just a statement of being. No one needs to be justified. We are who we are, and we have the right to be here, to think and feel, to love and to be loved. 

Waheed  1:18:57
Amen. 

Aadam  1:18:59
Yeah, that's so poignant. It's amazing. It's very important to point out that most people will not willingly heal from complex trauma. They will heal as far as the academic part. So, the rational part, but they won't do beyond that. They know things on a theoretical level. But on a practical level, they perhaps are not quite following through it. Most of us only heal from complex trauma if we're forced to feel this painful stuff, and we do it kicking and screaming. And what forces us to do this stuff? When we find ourselves in relationships with another person or with children, and we experience love for them. And we feel like “I don't want to deal with this. I want to run away, but I don't want to lose my relationship with them.” And that forces us to deal with it. We might feel that we're not happy about it, and we're stomping our feet the whole time. But we are being forced to deal with it, and it’s such a hard, hard thing. But that is healing. So, by its very nature, it's a messy process. 

Waheed  1:20:08
100%, and Aadam and I have been, you know, friends for a couple of years now, alhamdulilah. Aadam has had his own version of this relationship. I've had my own version of this relationship. And we can say that it's been hell at the beginning, but now, subhan Allah, we can attest to the importance of this, because otherwise our issues wouldn't have come up, we wouldn't have been able to solve them and heal from them.

Aadam  1:20:33
Yeah, I could not agree more. Continuing along that line of thought, some people read books and attend programs where they learn about trauma healing, and then they feel like they figure things out. But when they develop relationships, they feel like they've forgotten everything, and they're back to square one. This is because with the former, no intimate relationships were developed, so no issues came up. The only way that we can deal with our issues is to take a leap of faith and develop an intimate relationship, where such issues are bound to come up. 

Waheed  1:21:05
Exactly. So just listening to this podcast series on complex trauma is not going to be enough, unless we're actually willing to be vulnerable and to go there and engage in those things on a practical level. And we're going to feel like we've forgotten everything. But things are going to work out, inshaAllah, with trying and persevering. You know, it takes practice.  

Aadam  1:21:29
InshaAllah. And the final part of the social component is support groups. So, this can be in any number of different fields and areas, whatever you're comfortable with or whatever is necessary even. So, it can be based on hobbies, getting to meet people that share hobbies with us and forming a connection in that way. So we might do this through sports or arts or whatever it is. Hiking, for example, I know there are lots of groups that do that where I live, so anything that you're interested in. Something that will help you to connect with other people. And there's 12-step programs, so if you're struggling with any number of addictions, there's 12-step programs for almost every addiction you could think of, now that it's evolved into such a well-known program and methodology. They can be incredibly helpful to help you begin the process of becoming sober from whatever addiction you might have. Having friends’ groups that you can lean on. Other examples I can think of from my own life are book clubs, for example, reading books around a specific topic or whatever it might be in helping to build that emotional connection with people through some medium and channels. So, this is incredibly important to remember. 

Waheed  1:22:59
Absolutely, and there are others who volunteer at an NGO, or a hospital, or a soup kitchen, or anything in your vicinity, where you get to meet other people and they become part of your support group. So that is another thing to think about. Or anything that you can find where you can form your own support group that helps you on your healing and recovery journey. That's another thing to take into account, inshaAllah.

1:23:28
And then the last part of the model: bio-psycho-social… is the spiritual part. So, the spiritual part of this model, the spiritual component is very, very important. People who have the greatest healing usually have the greatest spiritual connection. There's a lot of comfort and a lot of help that comes with that. Having a deep connection with Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala and developing that connection. I have been talking about this book right and left and have been recommending this book for everyone I know: Secrets of Divine Love. If you haven't read it, buy it, do yourself a favor and read it. I'm going to put it in the episode description, so make sure to check that book out. It's amazing beyond expression, mashaAllah. It helps you reconnect with Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, and it helps you shatter a lot of stereotypes or a lot of misconceptions that you have had about Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala growing up, or that you've developed about Him as an adult. 

Opening our hearts to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala and reconnecting with Him is very important. Establishing our daily prayers as Muslims, making du’aas and supplications, engaging in charity, whatever form of charity that may be, reading the Qur’an as much as we can, having long sujoods and just pouring our heart to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala. We need that spiritual component in our lives. We were created on this earth to get to know Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala and fall in love with Him and worship Him. Not having that connection with Him goes against the very purpose of why we were created.

In addition to establishing that, also connect with nature and the universe at large. There's so much to observe in this universe and fall in love with. And we fall in love with Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala through our connection with nature and the universe. It makes us know, at a visceral level, that we are part of something that is greater than us. So go out, connect with plants and animals and landscapes, feel the fresh air, travel, discover beautiful places when you can, it is very healing. This is in line with the seventh and the last A of the seven A’s of healing by Dr. Maté, and it's called Affirmation. 

So according to him, there are two types of affirmation. The first is affirming our creative selves. This can be fulfilled by creating anything, like art, music, cooking, writing, whatever. We all have an urge to create something, to make something, to express ourselves, and to be seen. This first step helps us to achieve that. The second affirmation is affirming our connection to something that is bigger than us. The universe, having a greater purpose, the higher power that is Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala and so on. We are connected to the world around us in a big important way. It is essential to feel that connection in order to help dissipate any feelings of isolation and loneliness or seclusion. Our existence is valuable, we are worthy, we are part of something that is greater than us. And we are never truly alone. 

Aadam  1:26:34
Yes! And the second aspect of the spiritual part of this framework is forgiveness. Forgive those that inflicted the trauma. Now, it's important to say that this does not mean that it wasn't a big deal, or that what happened was not wrong. Forgiveness is for our own good, letting go of the bitterness and anger. It's a process that we go through. 

Waheed  1:27:02
Yeah, absolutely. And it involves a degree of grieving. So, remember, the five stages of grieving, like we start with denial, and then there's anger, and then there's bargaining and then depression, and then acceptance. All of that. It's not easy, right? 

Aadam  1:27:20
Yeah and, you know, it's important, forgiveness. We do this for ourselves, to free ourselves from the shackles, the baggage and the attachment to pain, to bitterness, anger and resentment. It is very freeing. Some things to be aware of: guilted or premature forgiveness can actually be traumatizing and harmful, and it perpetuates the further need for defense mechanisms. It might stunt the trauma resolution and healing process. So, it can be disempowering and might reinforce the perpetrator’s excuses and can re-traumatize. So, you need to be very aware that forgiveness is your decision, your choice. It has its own timeline, and you should not be forced. And you should follow your ownership and conscious integration of your trauma. 

Waheed  1:28:13
That happens in steps along this path. It takes time. And it's your decision in the end, and no one should force you. 

Aadam  1:28:19
Absolutely. Yeah, exactly. And you may cycle back to anger and resentment, and then back to forgiveness. This is normal. You have to allow it to unfold naturally, do not rush it, and it's not always linear. So please be aware of that. 

Waheed  1:28:34
Right. And we know that there's a lot in our religion that encourages us to forgive, and Allah loves people who forgive the wrongdoers. But again, this takes time, sometimes we're not ready, sometimes the pain is too much. So don't rush yourself. Eventually, you might get to a place where you are doing the forgiveness or not. And that's okay. But remember, if and when you're ready to do that, you're doing this for your own good. You're going to be rewarded for it. But you're going to be doing that as well for your own good, because you're getting rid of all of that baggage and attachment to the trauma that's been there for a long time. And trust us, we've been through this and it feels amazing, subhanAllah. But again, at your own pace. 

Another aspect of the spiritual component is to be of service. To give back to others. And a beautiful, beautiful quote by the late Maya Angelou, she said, “As soon as healing takes place, go out and heal somebody else.” And that is brilliant. Help people in need when you're ready. This is fundamental to our healing journeys. We pay it forward. And a beautiful quote by Rumi, he said “Be a lamp, a lifeboat, a ladder, help someone's soul heal.” 

Aadam  1:29:49
And last but not least, at all - please persist. Never give up in this process. It will get challenging, and there will be days when you feel like you want to give up. This entire exercise is a battle between discouragement and hope. It might seem intense at the beginning, like it's a huge mountain. But we need to claim it and we need to keep at it, and it will get better, inshaAllah. You're absolutely worth it. Even if your persistence is imperfect, then let it be that. It doesn't have to be the perfect persistence. You could be holding on with one finger. That's good enough, as long as you're holding on. Never, ever, ever give up. 

Waheed  1:30:35
Exactly. You are worth it. Absolutely. 

1:30:45
We have come to the end of the series on complex trauma. We pray that these four episodes have given you many answers to questions you may have been asking yourself for a long time now, and have opened your eyes to new realizations and discoveries about yourself and people around you. Once again, we realize that this topic is heavy, and it's not easy to deal with. It can be triggering and painful. But we hope you realize how necessary it is. Until we deal with these matters, we won't be able to overcome so many of the issues that we experience, be they mental health-related or relationship problems or addictions to whatever things that we may be addicted to, or many of the physical ailments that we experience. 

Aadam  1:31:27
We hope that these episodes have opened your eyes to the fact that trauma exists amongst all of us, that many people are in pain, and that pain drives their choices and behaviors. We hope that you get to a point where you see the real person underneath the behaviors and traumas. 

And a final quote that we want to share in this episode is by Nikita Gill. She says, “Some people survive and talk about it. Some people survive and go silent. Some people survive and create. Everyone deals with unimaginable pain in their own way. And everyone is entitled to that without judgment. So, the next time you look at someone's life covetously, remember… You may not want to endure what they are enduring right now. At this moment, whilst they sit so quietly before you, looking like a calm ocean on a sunny day. Remember how vast the oceans boundaries are. Whilst somewhere the water is calm, in another place in the very same ocean, there is a colossal storm.”

When we react, there's probably an old wound dictating our reaction. We hope that this discussion helps you learn to notice and feel trauma symptoms in you, so you can gradually heal and grow beyond those narratives, inshaAllah. Together for a more trauma-informed society made of trauma-informed men and women, parents, educators, therapists, doctors, imams and priests, community leaders and community members, whatever your professions or responsibilities may be. 

Waheed  1:32:58
Amen. And I would like to end this episode with a prayer to all of the listeners. May Allah open your eyes, your hearts, your minds. May Allah give you strength, peace and compassion and empathy to yourself first and foremost, and to others. May He keep you in His company and make you among His most beloved servants. And may He wash away your pain, your sorrow, your hurt, your fear, your sadness, and anything that is keeping you attached to the past or fearful of the future. And may you find peace, Divine openings, love and healing on your journey. Ameen.

I'd like to sincerely thank my dear friend and brother Aadam for joining me in these four episodes. You have been amazing as always; I really appreciate it bro, jazak Allah khairan, and we will see you again, inshaAllah, towards the end of the season when we talk about self-esteem. But for the time being, any last words that you would like to give the listeners with regards to the topics that we have covered together on understanding and healing from complex trauma? 

Aadam  1:34:03
Yeah, I will keep it short. I will say: take it one step at a time. Do not overwhelm yourself and lean on Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala. If you ever at any point in your journey feel lost or you don't know what's happening, reach out to Allah and make dua’a. He will always facilitate your affairs, provided you have a pure intention and you're sincere. I don't think you can go wrong if you do that. 

Waheed  1:34:33
Amen. Amen. Beautifully said. And with this we have come to the end of today's episode, and this wraps up our series on understanding and healing from complex trauma. In the next episode, inshaAllah, we will talk about inner child work and re-parenting. Until then, stay safe and healthy. As always, you can reach out to us, to Aadam or me, on our email: awaybeyondtherainbow@gmail.com, and you can listen to all our episodes on awaybeyondtherainbow.buzzsprout.com or using your favorite podcast apps as well. This has been Aadam and Waheed Jensen in “A Way Beyond the Rainbow”, assalamu alaikom wa rahmatullahi ta’ala wa barakatuh.

Episode Introduction
Goals of Healing
The Biological Aspects
The Psychological Aspects
The Social Aspects
The Spiritual Aspects
Ending Remarks