In this episode, we explore the topic of masturbation comprehensively, from its legal (fiqh), physiological and psychological angles, taking into consideration particular complexities and nuances relevant to men and women dealing with same-sex attractions. We also discuss practical tips and tools to help us keep masturbation in check in our lives.
Under what conditions can masturbation be considered haram or halal? What are the benefits and harms of masturbation? If a single man or woman dealing with same-sex attractions needs a "sexual release", would masturbation be safe and acceptable? How can we deal with compulsive masturbation? What are some recommendations to help us curb our desires and keep such habit in check? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
References used and resources mentioned in this episode:
- Fiqh al-Sunnah (فقه السنّة) by al-Sayyid Sābiq (Arabic)
- Like a Garment: Intimacy in Islam by Sh. Yasir Qadhi
- TED talk “A Simple Way to Break a Bad Habit” by Judson Brewer
- SA, Sexaholics Anonymous webpage
- No Fap website
In this episode, we explore the topic of masturbation comprehensively, from its legal (fiqh), physiological and psychological angles, taking into consideration particular complexities and nuances relevant to men and women dealing with same-sex attractions. We also discuss practical tips and tools to help us keep masturbation in check in our lives.
Under what conditions can masturbation be considered haram or halal? What are the benefits and harms of masturbation? If a single man or woman dealing with same-sex attractions needs a "sexual release", would masturbation be safe and acceptable? How can we deal with compulsive masturbation? What are some recommendations to help us curb our desires and keep such habit in check? These and other questions are explored in this episode.
References used and resources mentioned in this episode:
- Fiqh al-Sunnah (فقه السنّة) by al-Sayyid Sābiq (Arabic)
- Like a Garment: Intimacy in Islam by Sh. Yasir Qadhi
- TED talk “A Simple Way to Break a Bad Habit” by Judson Brewer
- SA, Sexaholics Anonymous webpage
- No Fap website
Waheed 00:37
Assalamu alaikom wa rahmatullahi ta’ala wa barakatuh, and welcome to a new episode of “A Way Beyond the Rainbow”, this podcast series dedicated to Muslims experiencing same-sex attractions who want to live a life true to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala and Islam. I'm your host Waheed Jensen, thank you so much for joining me in today's episode. In the last episode, we touched upon Islamic sexual ethics and gender norms, and with today’s episode, we start a series of episodes on sexual recovery. Today’s episode is dedicated to the topic of masturbation, and in the next episodes, we will be covering porn and sex addictions, as well as sexual abuse. This series of episodes on sexual recovery builds on the foundations discussed earlier in this season, particularly the four episodes on complex trauma (i.e. episodes 43-46). If you haven’t had the chance to listen to those yet, I encourage you to do so when you can. Understanding many of the concepts discussed there will put these upcoming episodes in a proper context, inshaAllah.
Masturbation, as an act with consequences, is multi-faceted and, particularly for people experiencing same-sex attractions, deserves to be thoroughly examined in its own right. It is not a matter of yes or no, black or white. People with SSA have several extra challenges compared to those without. In addition, masturbation can be a double-edged sword in terms of being a relief or an added burden, depending on each person’s case.
In this podcast, and in our journeys together, we have to tackle many subjects from several angles and resources so we can make informed decisions. As far as the topic of masturbation goes, there is nothing in the Qur'an or the authenticated hadith of the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) which explicitly mentions, let alone forbids, masturbation. That, however, may not necessarily imply that it is altogether permissible. There are differing religious opinions on the status of masturbation and it is not my place here to tell you to choose a particular ruling or position over another. Moreover, and just like I’ve been saying all along, each one of us has a different background, comes with a particular set of experiences and has his/her own baggage, and we are, therefore, in no position to offer a one-size-fits-all solution. You know where you have been so far, and in this episode, I’m going to try my best to give a comprehensive picture so you can weigh the issue for yourself - we’re going to look at the matter from its spiritual, legal (fiqhī), physiological, and psychological angles. Ultimately, and in many cases, you are the best one to judge for yourself (within religious limits, of course). Of course, given the nature of today’s topic, the episode has been flagged for explicit content.
03:30
Let us start this discussion by presenting the various positions from our Islamic tradition on the topic of masturbation. The position of the different madhāhib (legal schools) varies on this topic. In his book Fiqh al-Sunna (Cairo, 1987, Vol. 2, pp. 581-583), al-Sayyid Sābiq discusses the issue in the following terms:
“Masturbation negates the manners and sublime character demanded of human beings. The scholars of fiqh, however, have differed concerning it. Some consider it absolutely forbidden (ḥarām muṭlaq). Some consider it forbidden in certain cases and obligatory (wājib) in others. Finally, some say it is disliked (makrūh).
"Among those who consider it absolutely forbidden are the Mālikīs, the Shāfi‘īs, and the Zaydīs (a Shī‘ite madhhab closest to the four Sunni schools), [as well as the Twelver Shī‘ites]. Their proof is that Allah Almighty ordered that we guard our private parts save from our wives and slave women (al-Mu’minūn 23:5-7); to trespass these two boundaries through masturbation, therefore, makes one a transgressor who leaves what Allah has made permitted to go to what He has made forbidden.
“The Ḥanafīs consider it forbidden in certain cases and obligatory in others, namely, when one might otherwise fall into fornication (zinā). This is in accordance with the precept that one must choose the lesser of two evils. They add that masturbation is forbidden if it is done merely for the sake of pleasure (i.e., when there is no risk of fornication by avoiding it), but that it is excusable if an unmarried man is overcome by his lust and seeks to quiet it.
“As for the Ḥanbalīs, they say that it is forbidden except if done for fear of committing zinā, or for fear of something more unhealthy, by an unmarried person who is unable to marry. If these conditions are present, he is excused.
“Mujāhid said: The ruling is the same for women as it is for men.”
Al-Ṭabarī, in a lost section of his Ikhtilāf al-Fuqahā’ (Disagreement of the Jurists) quoted by al-Murtaḍā al-Zabīdī in his commentary on Imam al-Ghazālī’s Iḥyā’ ‘Ulum al-Dīn (first chapter of the book on “nikāḥ” [marriage], section on the troubles and benefits of marriage), says:
I read in the book on the Disagreement of Jurists by Ibn Jarīr al-Ṭabarī the following: “The jurists differed concerning the question of masturbation (istimnā’): Al-‘Alā’ ibn Ziyād ibn Maṭar (d. 94h.) said: ‘It is acceptable; we used to do it during our military campaigns.’ (Related to us by Muḥammad ibn Bashshār al-‘Abdī, who said: Mu‘ādh ibn Hishām related it to us from his father, from Qatāda, from al-‘Alā’.) Al-Ḥasan al-Baṣrī, al-Ḍaḥḥāk ibn Muzāḥim, and a large group with them said the same thing. Ibn ‘Abbās said: ‘It is better than fornication (zinā), and to marry a slave woman is better than that.’ Anas ibn Mālik said: ‘He who does this is cursed.’ Al-Shāfi‘ī said: ‘It is not permitted.’ (Related to us by al-Rabī‘.) So one can see the differing views on this topic among the early jurists for the general population.
The reasoning of those who hold al-‘Ala’s position is that prohibition and permission can only be established through a formal proof (dalil), to which it is imperative to acquiesce and submit; in this particular matter there is no unanimity of opinion (around such proof), although there is unanimity that if this is the substance of what one does (meaning if one is overtaken by it and spends most of his time on it), then it is forbidden. They are unanimous that he has to deal with this in a lawful way.
As for those who hold al-Shafi‘i’s position, meaning that it is absolutely forbidden, they derive their position from the verse: والذين هم لفروجهم حافظون (“Successful are the believers... who guard their private parts, save from their wives or what their right hands possess, for then they are not blameworthy, but whoever seeks beyond that are the transgressors'' [Surat Al-Mu’minun: 1-7]). Ibn Jarir (al-Tabari) says: ‘Allah has thus said that he who does not protect his private parts from other than his wives or those whom his right hand possesses is a transgressor, and whoever practices masturbation has committed transgression with his sexual parts by staying away from them.’ Al-Shafi‘i said after mentioning the verses: ‘Allah showed that no sexual act involving the male organ is permissible except in conjunction with the wife or those whom one’s right hand possesses. And Allah knows best.’”
So that’s as far as the legal schools are concerned. Now, I’m going to share a story translated from Al-Ghazali’s Ihya’ ‘Ulum ad-Din [Reviving of the Religious Sciences], Book of Marriage, attributed to Ibn ‘Abbas, may Allah be pleased with him, who was one of the companions of the Prophet PBUH. “One day after one of Ibn ‘Abbas’s classes, everybody left except a young man who stayed behind. Ibn ‘Abbas asked him what he needed and he replied that he wanted to ask a question but was too shy to ask in front of other people. Ibn ‘Abbas said, ‘The scholar (‘alim) is like a father, so speak to me frankly, as you would to your own father.’ The young man said, ‘I am an unmarried young man, and sometimes I fear hardship upon myself, so I masturbate (astamni) with my hand.’ Ibn ‘Abbas turned his face from him and said, ‘Fie, alas! It would be better to marry even a slave girl, and yet it (masturbating) is better than fornication (zina).’ This is a warning that the unmarried man who is controlled by his lust faces three evils: the least of them is to marry a slave girl who might bring a child into slavery, worse is masturbation, but most indecent is fornication. Ibn ‘Abbas did not call the first two ‘(indifferently) permitted’ (mubah) (the last one being forbidden [haram]), because they are cautioned against and are to be resorted to only for fear of something worse, as one resorts to eating from the meat of a dead animal (i.e., one not slaughtered) in order to survive. Therefore preferring the lesser of two evils is not tantamount to declaring it unreservedly permissible [meaning that preferring the lesser of two evils is not the same as saying that it is permissible without conditions], even less is it being declared a good.”
In his book, Like a Garment: Intimacy in Islam, Sh. Yasir Qadhi comments on what I have just read as follows: “I want to be clear here, my position on masturbation is exactly the same as Imam al-Shawkani and many of the scholars before and after him. Their stance was: there is nothing in our Shari‘ah which prohibits masturbation. When I say it’s permissible, I’m not saying one should be proud and boastful about it. Rather it’s when one who needs it, he can use it.”
Yasir Qadhi continues saying, “In fact the narration of Ibn ‘Abbas seems to be the single most proof that masturbation is not haraam. When the young man came to him and said ‘I play with myself until I ejaculate’, Ibn ‘Abbas didn’t say, ‘La hawla wala quwwata illah billah.’ He didn’t say, ‘Astaghfirullah.’ He didn’t say, ‘How could you?’ or ‘Haram, shirk, kufr!’ All he said was: ‘What you are doing is better than zina, but if you were to marry a slave girl, it would be better for you.’ He didn’t rebuke this teenager; he didn’t get angry at him. He simply said, ‘I’d rather you marry a slave girl.’
“There is no doubt something which is mubah (allowed) can be misused, and in turn can become bad, but in general, in the case of a man or woman who needs it, I don’t see any problem with this. Even if they’re married, they may be dissatisfied with their partner as he may only come once a month and she needs to take care of herself more than this; there is no problem with her doing this action.” [End of quote]
It is also important to highlight a core principle in our Shari’a, and that is the law of necessity, which also applies here. This was highlighted by the late prominent scholar Sh. Mustafa al-Zarqa, who said, “For example, if someone is afraid that he would commit a greater sin like zina or that he would be harmed by some psychological disorders, then the ban on masturbation would be relaxed just to remove the hardship, based on the Shari‘a principle that states that ‘necessity is judged according to the circumstances that warrant it.’”
However, it is necessary to realize that going to the extreme by masturbating left and right would not be permissible in any case as has been clarified before. So the law of necessity can be applied as the Hanafi school of thought already has, whereby it is the fear of committing zina or for a single man/woman to do it to quiet down his/her lusts. Sh. Mustafa al-Zarqa adds, “In addition to the two conditions stipulated by the Hanafis, I would add two more conditions based on the general rules of the Shari‘a: (1) the difficulty of getting married, and (2) the inability to fast.”
Keeping all this in mind, we realize that, at first glance, scholarly opinions seem to be conflicting or to sit uneasily with each other. This is not a clear-cut topic like fornication, adultery, or sodomy, where there is no difference of opinion on their impermissibility. I have presented a glimpse of the legal rulings on masturbation and I encourage you to do further research from reliable sources as well. From these rulings, some legal schools (madhahib) have allowed it, but under specific conditions. In particular, as was the case with the young man and Ibn ‘Abbas, a number of scholars hold that those who cannot get married, may, under the law of necessity, perform the act of masturbation as long as the restrictive conditions are met and as long as it is used to stay away from something more serious such as fornication or sodomy. But is that all? The Shar‘i (legal-moral) aspects are only one side of the matter. Let us examine other aspects of the topic.
15:01
Let us now look at the physiological aspects of masturbation. Pleasurable acts, in general, are associated with a release of specific chemicals in the brain that lead to feelings of relief, excitement and euphoria, to differing degrees. Dopamine, one of those chemicals, is a neurotransmitter in the central nervous system, and the dopamine pathways in the brain are involved in motivation and reward.
Masturbation as an act culminates in orgasm, which involves a dopamine surge leading to a feeling of euphoria as well as a multitude of physiological effects (such as sweating, increased blood pressure and heart rate, and an increase in body temperature, among others). We will talk about the dopamine pathways in the brain and their addictive potential in detail in the next episode when we start the discussion on pornography and sex addiction, inshaAllah.
There is a risk involved when such a surge becomes an end that is frequently sought by the person him/herself, whereby the mental euphoria becomes addictive. This, of course, is not the case with everyone, but some people are prone to developing dependence (i.e. addiction, whereby stopping the act leads to withdrawal symptoms and cravings), tolerance (engaging in the act more frequently to get to the desired effect), and, in extreme cases, social and/or occupational dysfunction when this habit becomes a compulsion instead of an occasional release. Remember our series on complex trauma earlier on in this season. When we understand the origins of complex trauma and its effects, we can see how such pleasurable effects become sort of like a crutch, a numbing behavior to escape the inner pain, shame and hurt.
There is a risk involved given the potential of this natural physiological pathway developing into an addictive pathway, mimicking other addictive pathways (such as substance dependence, for example). If this becomes the case, “impulse control disorder” emerges, and this requires professional help with proper follow-up and treatment. Rarely (if ever) is this condition manageable by the person him/herself.
It is worth noting that masturbation does NOT cause blindness, hairy palms, impotence later in life, erectile dysfunction, penis shrinkage, penis curvature, low sperm count, infertility, mental illness or physical weakness. These are, in general, urban myths which are not based on any grounds whatsoever. However, some harms may arise for some people. If one follows/adopts the view that masturbation is haram, one may experience feelings of guilt or shame if they’re dealing with masturbation or compulsive masturbation, particularly if they can’t escape that addiction. Decreased sexual sensitivity can also occur, particularly if masturbatory practices are rough or involve severe genital manipulation. Also, as mentioned before, if masturbation becomes a compulsion, impulse control disorder can emerge which would require professional treatment. As for the risk of prostate cancer, there are conflicting data, with more studies showing that ejaculation helps reduce the incidence of prostate cancer as compared to men who do not ejaculate. Few studies focus specifically on the benefits of masturbation, but research suggests that masturbation can reduce stress, release tension, enhance sleep quality, boost concentration, elevate mood, relieve menstrual cramps, alleviate pain and improve sex. Masturbation also has sexual health benefits specifically for older women, such as less vaginal dryness and decreased pain during sex. One may attribute these positive effects to the release of neurochemicals in the brain after orgasm. We are presenting these here for the sake of completion and not to advocate for masturbation, obviously.
It is also important to differentiate between compulsive vs. non-compulsive masturbation when examining it from a medical standpoint. Compulsive masturbation means having an excessive urge to masturbate with frequency leading to mental, physical, social and/or occupational dysfunction to any degree. If it is a compulsive state, it’s important to seek professional help with proper follow-up and treatment as needed. Compulsive masturbation, like other compulsive behaviors, is a type of mental problem that needs treatment; otherwise, the person’s problem may get greater and out of control. Again, recall our discussion on complex trauma and the effects and characteristics of it. Putting these concepts together makes a lot of sense now.
19:35
In order to illustrate the different layers and complexities associated with this particular topic, especially for people experiencing SSA, I’m going to read out a few case studies along with a couple of questions to help you assess each particular scenario.
The first case (case A) is that of a young, single male/female, who works as an employee, exercises every now and then, and is healthy overall. Sometimes he/she gets aroused in his/her daily life given the work environment. Convinced of the fiqh opinions that allow for some leeway, this person masturbates occasionally to release his/her sexual tension, makes ghusl as soon as possible thereafter, and moves on with his/her life.
The second case (case B), is that of another young male/female, but this time with a history of mental and emotional problems, such as depression, anxiety and issues with their coping skills. Things have been rough for the past few years, but all in all, with proper therapy and support, things are starting to get better for this person and he/she is beginning to lead a stable life. Masturbation used to be a frequent habit, but its frequency has recently been fluctuating depending on this person’s emotional state.
The third case (case C) is that of a young male/female, similar to the one in Example B, but with more intense mental and emotional problems, underlying traumas that are there. Therapy and support are helpful, but things are still difficult, especially during this period of time where mental cloudiness and emotional instability are characteristic. This person masturbates frequently to escape all the troubles of the current period.
Now, let’s examine a few questions together:
You may have realized that these three examples form a sort of spectrum, with cases A and C representing the ends of it. Case A is of an average person who gets aroused like everyone does and resorts to masturbation occasionally as a primarily physiological release. Case C, as you can tell, relies on masturbation as an emotional crutch—a sort of escape from the wounds of the past and present, a temporary numbing mechanism until reality hits back and he/she is forced to deal with his/her emotional baggage. Case B is somewhere in between.
What adds even more complexity to case C is the driving forces behind masturbation. The dopamine surge associated with masturbation acts as a temporary pacifier. On the one hand, this is advantageous in providing some relief from the daily burdens this person is experiencing. On the other hand, the surge has become an addictive pleasure which it may be hard to wean this person off of. Can you tell if it is one way or the other for this person? Is masturbation even the main problem here, or is it all the underlying issues in this person’s life?
In some cases, guilt—especially when excessive and paralyzing— as well as shame can weigh very heavily on a person, further fueling his/her emotional and psychological burdens. Hence, masturbation in cases similar to that of case C can be a manifestation of an underlying void or collection of issues that need proper attention. Not until all these issues are addressed and this person is offered proper treatment and support will things start to get better. With all these variables at play, it is almost impossible to attend to one issue without having the others interfere. While case B is fairly manageable, case C poses extra challenges and can definitely be placed in a higher-risk category. Mind you, not everyone in the same state as the person in case C may resort to masturbation to begin with. And, conversely, one may end up as a frequent, addicted or semi-addicted masturbator without having all these issues, given the reward system and pleasure involved, and that is a problem in and of itself. Any person along the spectrum we described above can become reliant on or repulsed by masturbation, regardless of his/her emotional state. However, some people, as you can tell, are more at risk of developing reliance on and addiction to the habit than others. One major reason is the underlying traumas that lead people to seek numbing or “escape” behaviors to avoid their pains, but that does not help long term, as the original issues remain unaddressed. Again, remember our long talk on complex traumas.
Again, not everyone is either black or white, A or C. Many people fall in between. Some are close to case A, others to case B, while others are a living example of case C. Some fluctuate depending on their life events. So where do you stand with respect to all of this? Is masturbation something that you do not perform at all? Is it an occasional physical release for you that has no repercussions, or is it a numbing mechanism that you rely on excessively to escape life’s problems? Does it cause you too much, sometimes even paralyzing, guilt and shame? Do you feel you are in control of it and can control its frequency and intensity, or has it completely taken over your life?
It is important to take into account one’s age as well. The advice one would give to a teenager with all those raging hormones, coupled with SSAs and all the associated confusion and self-deprecation, might be different from the advice one would give to a 30-year-old, which may in turn be different from the advice one might offer a middle-aged or an elderly person.
From these and other countless examples, it is necessary to realize that masturbation is a multi-faceted topic that requires careful analysis of the driving factors as well as the consequences involved. In some cases, the act itself can be helpful in taming one’s sexual drive and avoiding bigger temptations (and from a fiqhi perspective, that’s permissible as the lesser of two evils according to the Hanafis and Hanbalis), while at other times, it can be very damaging to one’s mind and body, given excessive frequency and over-occupation with the habit (in which case, from a fiqhi perspective, there is a unanimous prohibition if that’s the case).
Some people might argue that, from a purely fiqhi perspective, there’s nothing specific about SSA in this particular context, whereby the ruling applies to all non-married men and women, depending on which legal school you choose to follow. And that’s a valid point. Others might argue that, while men and women who do not experience SSA may eventually get married and direct their lusts into their lawful channels, i.e. within marriage, not all men and women with SSA may be able to get married or choose to do so to begin with, and as a subcategory out of all non-married men and women, men and women experiencing SSA are relatively more challenged with their sexual drives and lusts, so closing the door on masturbation unconditionally and prohibiting it even as the “lesser of two evils” would be a source of added stress and agony. Given there are conditional openings within the Hanafi and Hanbali legal schools, among other scholars, one may choose to take that approach if it fits their particular contexts and situations. And that is also a valid perspective.
Taking all the legal, psychological and spiritual variables mentioned thus far into account adds more complexity to the issue, which highlights the main premise that this particular topic should be individualized according to each person’s particular context. Again, remember, it’s not a one-size-fits-all approach. It’s not black or white. Let’s move beyond that into a more individualized approach that helps each person based on their individual backgrounds, experiences, contexts and capabilities.
28:40
In the last part of today’s episode, I’m going to highlight some well-rounded pieces of advice to help us stay centered, focused and in control of our thoughts and bodies. This section can also help you be in the driver’s seat when it comes to masturbation and any unwanted impulses, inshaAllah, rather than the other way around. There’s more advice that we will discuss in the upcoming episodes on pornography and sex addiction, which also apply here, so I encourage you to check out the upcoming episodes as well to see what can be useful to you in your own journey.
The first and one of the most crucial pieces of advice is, know your triggers and practice mindfulness. And that is not an easy feat. A lot of times, our addictive habits act as emotional crutches to help us self-soothe, but they become a vicious cycle with time, since we become too dependent on such numbing behavior. Masturbation is definitely one of those habits that operates using the same mechanisms. So instead of going on auto-pilot, try and practice mindfulness when you are triggered. We discussed many mindfulness and grounding techniques in episode 46 when we talked about healing complex trauma, a lot of the advice in there may be helpful to you.
Remember the HALTS acronym: Am I hungry, angry, lonely, tried or is there a spiritual element to what is going on? Sometimes, all it takes is a few moments of breathing and mindfulness to identify what is really going on. A few deep breaths and a moment of pause can shift the focus from our survival brain (which is triggered at that moment) to our executive, high-order brain (which is capable of making rational decisions). Instead of going straight to masturbation, pause and breathe amidst the storm. HALTS? Is there any self-pity going on? Be curious about what you are feeling at the moment and why you are feeling this way. I’m going to add to the episode description a link to a wonderful TED talk called “A simple way to break a bad habit” by Judson Brewer, which talks about how being mindful for just a few moments can help us break our own bad habits and rewire our brains. It’s a short talk and definitely worth your time, so make sure to check it out when you get the chance.
For some people, it can be calling a friend or a fellow committed to the same path of “sobriety”. Back in episode 30, we discussed 12-step programs and sexual recovery programs, like Sexaholics Anonymous (SA), many of which help people recover from masturbation addictions, in addition to pornography addictions and sexually acting out, of course. Being part of a group of people committed to not acting out sexually, even through mastrubation, has helped many of us. Lots of men and women have SA fellows or sponsors they can reach out to when things get difficult. One can also journal and pour out their thoughts and emotions, diffusing onto their journals the state of unease they go through when triggered. For many people, it helps to not be alone during the triggers, and instead to reach out to a trusted friend or colleague, maybe even being with them makes a lot of difference. You know yourself, choose whatever works for you. Also, back in episode 24, we discussed practical ways to help curb desires and shahawat, so you might want to give that episode a listen whenever you can.
When you’re in that moment of trigger and about to give in, you can also perform some inner child work. Visualize the inner child in you who is looking for warmth and sensual pleasure for himself. Try and see that this is not real love, but self-seeking, in which you or your fantasies are objects of pleasure rather than actual people. You are the mature, responsible adult caring for your inner child. You realize what he/she seeks is not what you want, and you are committed to protecting this child from what you perceive as acts of self-hurt and self-sabotage. You want to protect that child, and therefore yourself, from impurity, and are committed to steering the wheel in a more God-conscious and chaste direction, inshaAllah. We talked a lot about inner child work in episode 47 as you may remember, give it a listen when you have the chance.
It also helps during that moment of trigger to make some duaas and dhikr, to call out to Allah and ask for His support and guidance. Of course, we do this anyway in general, but in the moment of trigger, many of us forget that, especially when the emotional parts of the brain take over. Again, take a breath, practice some conscious awareness of the present moment using your five senses, and make dhikr/duaa as you navigate those moments.
Another good strategy is to make a firm proposal, every morning, and repeat it whenever necessary (in the evening or before going to bed): “The next part of the day (night) I shall not give in, inshaAllah.” With such a mindset, the first signs of the emerging desire are better recognized. Then one may say to oneself: “I will not give myself this pleasure; rather, I will accept the little suffering it means not to get what I want.” This is part of self-discipline and disciplining your inner child as well. “No, little me, I’m saying no today. No more little games. This is for your own good. I am taking care of you. If you get through this, I will reward you with something.” And, of course, honor your promise. Celebrate your successes. For many of us, it’s a daily struggle, and with time, abstinence builds up.
You can also use the technique of self-dramatization or humor that van den Aardweg talks about. Like, you ridicule and make fun of your fantasies, realizing how the whole thing is funny in and of itself. It takes away the mystique of the moment and makes you smile or even laugh at the absurdity of it all. We discussed this in detail back in episode 42.
Also, do not dramatize weak moments and relapses. Say to yourself, “It was a relapse, but we go on,” like a sportsman. Learn from your triggers and down moments, make sincere tawbah and move on. You will see that you grow stronger, relapses or not. And it is a liberation, like weaning from substances; one feels better, more peaceful and happier. Another advice that I always like to give to myself and everyone is to pay a certain amount of sadaqah (charity) after any relapse you may have. Any tiny amount you can give, so that it becomes sustainable. Nowadays it’s easy to pay online to trusted charities of your choice. This act of charity has many ripple effects, subhan Allah, including cleansing of one’s heart and focus and reorienting one’s compass, inshaAllah.
Another trick: imagine yourself as not giving in at the moment of the impulse, as a mature person who feels the impulse, yet firmly goes on with his/her life and remains the master of him/herself. Imagine yourself as vividly as possible as such a mature person who spurs the will not to indulge. “Yes, that’s the person I would like to be!”
Now, assuming that one finds him/herself “cornered”, so to speak, and there is no escape but to have that release, then my advice is to try as much as possible not fantasize during the act itself. In other words, masturbation becomes a mechanical release rather than an experience associated with fantasies and role-playing. This makes a huge difference: the quality of the dopamine surge and addictive potential are very different, it becomes easier to wean off from the act, and one is not giving in to a homosexual fantasy, which more or less reinforces one’s insecurities and sense of inferiority, as well as keeps you trapped in that homoerotic mindset along with what it entails, among other matters we discussed before. When it’s a “mechanical” release without fantasizing, you are still in the driver’s seat and performing the act out of necessity, all the while refusing to indulge in fantasies that will send you on a downward spiral. Again, that’s a recommendation in case that’s the last resort and all lines of defense have failed.
Also, it goes without saying that this entire episode and all these pieces of advice are with regards to masturbation, independent of pornography. It must be stressed that porn is absolutely and categorically prohibited, so when we say masturbation, we are talking about masturbation alone, not "enhanced" masturbation, which has unfortunately been taken nowadays for granted since that has become the de facto norm. Some people say they can’t masturbate without porn or at least don't feel fully satisfied by it. This is a problem, and there is no room for leeway on this in the Shari'a. We will discuss pornography and sex addictions in detail in the upcoming episodes, along with lots of practical advice. I hope that they would be helpful to you in your journeys, inshaAllah.
As for general pieces of advice to dealing with sexual desire, it’s important to maintain a balanced diet. Eat fresh fruits and vegetables regularly, hydrate yourself constantly, and minimize or (better) avoid fried foods, processed foods, white bread, sugar and caffeine. Stimulating hot and spicy foods, too much garlic or onion, and ginger or radishes may stimulate the sex drive.
Regular exercise is also key. You have heard this many times and will keep on hearing it over and over again. It does not have to be weightlifting or crossfit, as long as it is sustainable and not the “crash and burn” type. Running, walking, working out, hiking, climbing and others are all good. The gym may be difficult for some people given the potential for sexual stimulation, so it depends on you. Pick an exercise that you enjoy and take it from there. Sometimes having a friend or a colleague train with you helps you maintain consistency.
It’s important to mention fasting as well, for whoever can fast. The Prophet (pbuh) has advised those who cannot afford marriage to fast, saying: “O youth, whoever of you is able to marry, let him marry, for it prevents forbidden stares or lapsing into fornication. And if he cannot marry, let him observe fasting, for it is a shield against evil.” Fasting is known to diminish sexual power and can help people with SSA, particularly in an environment with lots of sexual stimuli. In some cases, fasting regularly can be a burden for some people. If you cannot fast one or two days a week, try bi-weekly or a few days every month. You will be able to feel the difference in no time, inshaAllah. Of course, that is as long as you can fast and there are no preventing factors, like particular health conditions, etc.
When we address curbing desires, a major component is practicing modesty. This applies to our gaze, as we have been ordered by Allah subhanhu wa ta’ala and His Prophet PBUH, it is important to lower our gaze and stay centered. Try your best to shift your focus away from any sexually stimulating material, be it at work, school, home or out in public. This also applies to TV and internet shows, movies, websites and any material that can provoke you in any way. If you feel things are getting difficult for you, change your environment at the time—go out for a walk, take your mind off the matter and make dhikr. Make wudu’. Go do another activity. Just do not be in the same setting where such thoughts can be amplified.
Modesty is also personal and relates to one’s physical body. This refers to minimizing any state of uncovering or nakedness as much as possible. Do not sleep naked or be naked in your bedroom for prolonged periods of time, as all this can lead to thoughts of self-stimulation. When changing, be sure to put on your new clothes right away. Taking care to groom oneself is praiseworthy and important, but spending too much time admiring one’s looks or physical body may lead to unwanted consequences. Keep this to a minimum. Avoid touching your genitals unnecessarily (i.e., outside of bathing or relieving and cleaning yourself) to avoid excessive stimulation.
There is social modesty as well. In addition to lowering the gaze, we are called upon to maintain modest attire (covering one’s ‘awra, not wearing tight and revealing clothing, etc.), as well as to avoid inappropriate chatter (which includes any kind of flirtation or banter, in addition to touching or getting close to individuals who could potentially stimulate us). One can be informal with some people, but certain lines should never be crossed to the point of overt intimacy. Also, we recommend for men to use private stalls whenever possible and avoid the use of public urinals where one’s ‘awra can easily be exposed to others nearby. If you go to a gym or use a locker room with an associated open-space shower, we recommend you shower and change at home to avoid unnecessary exposure to naked/semi-naked members of the same sex. Seeing the nakedness of anyone other than one’s spouse is haram, even a person of the same sex where SSA is not involved. In the case of individuals who experience SSA, this prohibition would apply with even greater stringency, for obvious reasons.
Also, it goes without saying that contact with specific people who encourage sinful behavior, or going to specific places where sin is widely practiced and openly available, is a big no no. If you already have contact with specific people, subscriptions to specific media or websites, content on your computer or phone, etc., please cut ties at once. There will always be the temptation to go back, so any lingering ties will be a constant opportunity for relapse. Cut them off entirely and start fresh.
It is also important to maintain a state of cleanliness. Take care to wash your clothes and tidy your room and work space. Maintain cleanliness and personal hygiene. These have profound effects on our mind and how we perceive ourselves. We also recommend that you try your best to stay in a state of wudu’ throughout your day, whenever possible and appropriate. With every time you make wudu’, imagine your sins being washed away and envision this as a deep cleanse for your soul.
Also, make it a habit to perform tawba (repentance) constantly. Tawba is physically and mentally taxing to the nafs because it requires effort. Seek tawba for the smallest of things, the smallest setbacks, even the occurrence of a single thought. Patience and consistency are again required as you force your nafs to adapt. Remember the advice about paying an amount to charity, no matter how small, whenever you have a relapse.
Try and channel your energy for the greater good: Engage in activities that are aimed at helping others. Be of service to your parents and immediate family. Sign up for an artistic or cultural activity and make it a habit to attend regularly. Take up a hobby that you enjoy and invest in that. Volunteer your time to help others in your community or other nearby communities. There are tons of available opportunities; get out there and ask. This will help redirect all of your energy towards the greater good.
Channel your energy to be closer to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala. Actually, sexual energy has helped many people get close to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala. Every time they get an indecent thought, they make dhikr. Sometimes it gets overwhelming and splashing some water on one’s face while performing wudu’ can make a big difference. Going to the mosque and being part of a group also helps immensely. Thinking about the umma and how you can help out the needy and suffering can also help. Moreover, your body (if you’re a male) has a built-in mechanism whereby excessive sexual energy can be released via nocturnal emissions (“wet dreams”), so do not worry about that.
What about marriage? Of course, that is the only lawful channel for us as Muslims to fulfill our sexual desires, and the big topic of marriage and celibacy, particularly within the framework of SSA, has been discussed in detail in episodes 36-39 of this podcast.
Ultimately, sexual desires are part of our instincts. Sexual energy is part of God’s creation for the sake of reproduction and lawful enjoyment. It is sacred and holy. Do not be afraid of or intimidated by it. Channel it in good ways. If you fail, get up, repent, and move on. Change takes time. And as long as you keep on trying, that is what ultimately counts, inshaAllah.
45:53
And with this, we have come to the end of today's episode, which has been a comprehensive study of the topic of masturbation, from its legal, physiological and emotional/psychological angles, as well as practical tips to help us navigate that territory. I hope that you have found the content helpful, inshaAllah. In the next episode, we will start a 4-episode series on pornography and sex addiction. As always, you can write to me at awaybeyondtherainbow@gmail.com with any comments, suggestions, questions or anything that's on your mind, and you can always listen to us on our website awaybeyondtherainbow.buzzsprout.com and on your favorite podcast apps. Until next episode, stay safe and healthy. This has been Waheed Jensen in “A Way Beyond the Rainbow”, assalamu alaikom wa rahmatullahi ta’ala wa barakatuh.