A Way Beyond the Rainbow

#47 - On Inner Child Work and Reparenting

July 23, 2021 Waheed Jensen Season 4 Episode 7
A Way Beyond the Rainbow
#47 - On Inner Child Work and Reparenting
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

An important theme along the healing and recovery journey is inner child work and re-parenting. In this episode, we dive into childhood attachment theory, introduce the inner child, inner parent and inner adult, as well as the inner child archetypes, and we talk about practical tools of inner child work and the reparenting process.

Who is my inner child and how different is he/she from my inner adult? What does this kind of work have to do with the healing and recovery journey? How can I communicate with my inner child? How can I manage my emotional and sexual triggers using inner child work? These and other questions are discussed in this episode.

Resources used in this episode:
- How To Do The Work by Dr. Nicole LePera
- Coming Out Straight: Understanding Same-Sex Attraction by Richard Cohen
- Re-Parent Your Inner Child masterclass by DailyOM

Recommended books mentioned in the episode:
- Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child by John Bradshaw
- Recovery of Your Inner Child by Dr. Lucia Capacchione
- Healing the Child Within by Dr. Charles Whitfield
- Self Parenting: The Complete Guide to Your Inner Conversations by John Pollard
- The Inner Child Workbook by Cathryn Taylor
- Recovery from Codependency: It's Never Too Late to Reclaim Your Childhood by Dr. Laurie Weiss and Dr. Jonathan Weiss
- Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction by Eddie Capparucci

Sample meditations for connecting with and healing the inner child:
- "Inner Child Meditation" by Dr. Nicole LePera
- "Healing the Inner Child" meditation by Andrew Johnson
- "Inner Child Healing" meditation by Selena Lael
- "Inner Child Healing Meditation: Self Love, Inner Power & Self Worth Affirmations" by Kenneth Soares
- "Inner Child Healing" meditation by Diane Linsley
- "Inner Child Healing" meditation by Oliver Jenkin
- "Healing Inner Child & Emotional Processing Meditation" by Erin Colleen Geraghty

Waheed 00:39
Assalamu alaikom wa rahmatullahi ta’ala wa barakatuh, and welcome back to “A Way Beyond the Rainbow”, this podcast series dedicated to Muslims experiencing same-sex attractions who want to live a life true to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala and Islam. I'm your host Waheed Jensen, thank you so much for joining me in today's episode. 

In the last couple of episodes, Aadam and I dissected the topic of complex trauma: its origins, effects and characteristics from multiple angles (cognitive, emotional, behavioral and interpersonal), and then we spoke about healing using the bio-psycho-social-spiritual approach, with lots of practical advice. These four episodes are foundational in our understanding of trauma and healing, and they form the basis of many episodes to come. Whether we’re talking about healing attachments, dependency or codependency, recovering from addiction or compulsive behaviors, overcoming many mental health problems or cultivating self-discipline and building self-esteem, you will notice that the topics we discussed with complex trauma permeate all this and more.

In today’s episode, we are going to talk about the concept of the inner child as well as reparenting work, as part of the healing and recovery journey. Less than 2 years ago, I had no idea personally what all this meant. Today I realize the importance of this work and how it makes a huge difference in our journey. I can’t wait to share today’s topic with you, which also builds on the topics we discussed in the previous episodes so far.

This episode is a synthesis of relevant sections from many resources: Dr. Nicole LePera’s How to Do the Work, Richard Cohen’s Coming Out Straight, and the DailyOm masterclass, “Re-Parent Your Inner Child”. I will add a link to these resources and other resources mentioned throughout the episode to the episode description, so make sure to check them out.

I would like to begin this episode with a quote from famous author Paolo Coelho who said, “We have to listen to the child we once were, the child who still exists inside us. That child understands magic moments. We can stifle its cries, but we cannot silence its voice. The child we once were is still there.”

03:10
Before we introduce the concept of the inner child, we have to look at our early childhood bonds. We touched upon this earlier on when we talked about complex trauma. Our relationship with our primary parents/caregivers is the foundation of the dynamics of all the relationships we have in adulthood. We call these relationships attachments, and we will talk more about them starting next episode, inshaAllah. 

In 1952, psychoanalyst John Bowlby presented a theory of attachment after studying children and their relationship with their mothers, where children would display a variety of “social releasers,” such as crying or smiling, to get parent-figures’ attention. He came to the conclusion that their intense reactions emerged from a survival instinct. The attachment between mother and child, which he defined as “lasting psychological connectedness between human beings,” was important and beneficial for both, but especially for the child, who is completely dependent on others to live. Attachment is essential for social, emotional, and cognitive development in babies. 

Developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth continued Bowlby’s work, creating the “Strange Situation Classifications”. This technique assessed different attachment styles by observing a child’s response when the mother briefly left the child in a room (sometimes with a stranger present) and returned. Ideally, when present, a parent-figure serves as a safe base for the child, who, once settled, will feel free to roam, play, and explore. This isn’t always the case. Ainsworth and her colleagues observed and outlined four different attachment styles that emerge during the first eighteen months of life:

1. Secure. A securely attached infant may get upset for a brief period of time after the mother leaves the room but will recover quickly. When the mother returns, the child is open and receptive to the reunion. The mother appears to have provided a positive, stable environment that acts as a secure home base in which the child can explore and interact.

2. Anxious-resistant. The anxious-resistant infant may be so stressed and distressed by the mother’s absence that they remain upset the whole time the mother is gone. When she returns, the child isn’t comforted easily, remains clingy, and may even punish the mother for leaving. This is typically an outcome of a misattunement between the child’s needs and the parent-figure’s attention, as seen by the child’s inability to be soothed or return to safety when the mother comes back.

3. Avoidant. Children in this category show almost no stress response when the mother leaves and almost no reaction when the mother returns. These children do not seek out their mothers for comfort. Some actively avoid their mothers. This is typically a product of a disconnected parent-figure (a disconnection that runs along a spectrum, from minimal to complete), and this parent leaves the child to navigate feelings on their own. These children don’t go to their parent-figure for help with their emotional state, because their parent-figure doesn’t really ever provide that support.

4. Disorganized-disoriented. These children show no predictable pattern of response. Sometimes they are extremely distressed and stressed; other times they show no reaction at all. This is the rarest attachment style of the four and is typically associated with the childhood traumas found on the ACEs we talked about in episode 43, such as severe abuse and neglect. The child’s world is so unpredictable that their body doesn’t know how to react or find safety.

Children’s healthy development is dependent on their intrinsic needs being met. When we are in a state of dependence, we rely on our parents/caregivers and the family unit as a whole to provide us with physical, emotional, and spiritual nourishment. We deeply desire to be seen, heard, and authentically expressed, to simply just be us. When we experience our parents/caregivers engaging in supportive behaviors, we learn that it’s safe to express our needs and reach out to other people for help. Many parents/caregivers, however, never learned how to meet their own needs, let alone another person’s needs, passing on their own unresolved traumas and conditioned coping strategies. Even well intentioned parent-figures don’t always give us what serves us. Meeting all of someone’s varied and unique needs all the time is almost impossible.

That said, if we lived with an emotionally immature parent-figure, our needs were likely routinely unmet or dismissed. Emotional immaturity results from a lack of emotional resilience, which refers to the ability to process emotions, communicate boundaries, and return our triggered nervous system to balance. An emotionally immature parent-figure may throw tantrums, act selfishly or defensively, and often the whole family unit ends up revolving around their moods. Understanding this is important. Psychotherapist Lindsay Gibson wrote in her book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents, that understanding our parents’ or caregivers’ level of emotional maturity “frees us from emotional loneliness as we realize that their negativity wasn’t about us, but about them.” And we talked about the effects of the trauma of childhood neglect/ abandonment before, its effects and characteristics when we spoke about complex trauma. 

So again, the safer and more secure the bond between a child and their immediate parent-figures, the safer and more secure the child feels in the world at large. Research has shown time and again that people who had secure attachments in infancy tend to have secure attachments in adulthood, showing the remarkable, lifelong effects of our parental bonds. Brain scans have supported this conclusion, showing that children who had secure attachments at fifteen months had a larger volume of gray matter (the part of the brain that contains cells and nerve fibers) than those who did not, suggesting that they had healthier brain function. The inability to form secure attachments in childhood has also been linked to social anxiety, conduct disorders, and other psychological diagnoses.

In recent years, some researchers and clinicians have expanded the idea of attachment theory beyond the immediate parent-figure to the larger family unit. One example of this is family systems theory, developed by Dr. Murray Bowen, which extends attachment theory to the entire family unit, including siblings and close relatives. This extends our networks of existence from us as individuals, outward from our immediate environments to our greater communities and worlds at large. And all of this has had an impact on our emotional, physical and spiritual development.

See which attachment style most resonates with you. Our attachments live on within us, especially in our friendship and romantic bonds. The wounds of our inner child that are carried into adulthood are often attachment based. We will talk more about adult attachments next episode, inshaAllah.

12:04
Let’s now introduce the concept of the inner child. In his book Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child, therapist John Bradshaw put forward the compelling idea that so many of us end up in “toxic” relationships because we never addressed the traumas that happened in childhood. He says, “I believe that this neglected, wounded inner child of the past is the major source of human misery.”

If you remember, back in episode 12, we spoke with Richard Cohen about the “inner family” that we have: the inner child, inner parent and the inner adult. This concept is originally Freudian, derives from the triad of the id, ego and superego. According to Freud’s psychoanalytic theory, the id is the primitive and instinctual part of the mind that contains our instinctual drives and hidden memories, the superego operates as a moral conscience, and the ego is the realistic part that mediates between the desires of the id and the superego. The actual concept of the inner child was created by Carl Jung and physician/psychotherapist Charles Whitaker. Later, psychiatrist Eric Berne developed his theory of Transactional Analysis and broke this down to the child, the parent and the adult that each of us has in our mind. And then came Richard Cohen who developed this further and said that each of these three has two sides: a healthy side and a broken side. So let’s look at this “inner family” together, with the two sides of each member.

We have a healthy, authentic, genuine, or true inner child full of wonder, love, creativity, playfulness, magical thinking, and true spirituality (remember, as kids, the wonder we had, looking up at the stars in the sky and imagining all kinds of fun things, and we could play, our spiritual side is connected to the golden inner child). The shadow side is the wounded or broken inner child, who may experience either pain, heartaches, guilt, shame, loneliness, fear, despair, hopelessness, and/or misperceptions. The wounded inner child may be an accumulation of our unresolved heartaches or our parents' unresolved issues, all of which lead to hurts in our hearts that haven’t healed. That wounded child literally acts as a child when hurt or triggered: it may fight through getting angry and shouting, pulling tantrums, etc., or may experience flight by running away and hiding from fear, or may shut down and recluse. So we can understand that such reactions actually come from our inner child once it’s hurt or triggered.

Then there’s the inner parent. There is the healthy, loving, nurturing inner parent that affirms, appreciates, and accepts the inner child. The healthy parent uplifts, encourages, and praises the inner child. And of course, with male and female parents, each has its unique energy (masculine = encourager, feminine = nurturer). The inner masculine is the encourager and the inner feminine is the nurturer. The healthier the attachments and relationships with our parents in childhood, the more these qualities appear in our lives (and become part of our healthy mental narratives). The shadow side, or dark side, is the critical, unloving inner parent who may be either judgmental, critical, cold, conditional, abusive, or neglectful of the inner child. The inner parental voices are an accumulation of introjections from parents, authority figures, religious figures, and cultural messages that we have received growing up that have become part of our internal narrative. When we catch ourselves using harsh language with ourselves, shaming ourselves, beating ourselves down, saying that we’re not good enough, stupid, unlovable and so on, that’s the harsh inner parent’s voice talking. The healthy, loving inner parent would lift you up, encourage you and support you rather than tear you down.

Then there’s the inner adult, and that’s what we’ve been talking about throughout the season. This is the higher or true authentic self (fitrah), with its morals, understanding, problem-solving abilities, unconditional love, forgiveness, connectedness, and a strong sense of self-worth. The shadow side, or dark side, is the false self, the protective armor, character defenses, coping strategies that we develop to protect the wounded inner child. These are the masks we wear and the games we play that shield us from further pain. And that is our inner family.

Each of these subpersonalities has distinctive roles: The inner child focuses on feelings and needs. The parent focuses on values, ethics, and morals. The adult focuses on thoughts and beliefs. In Coming Out Straight, Richard Cohen says it so beautifully, “To change his life in the present, he needs to awaken, discover, recover, and heal the wounded child and children within. He needs to bring into consciousness that which has remained unconscious. He needs to quiet the voice of his inner critical parent, and develop a loving, encouraging, nurturing inner parent. Unless he brings into the light that which has been in the darkness, those parts of him will continuously sabotage all adult efforts to succeed and will create "dis-ease" in his present life. Therefore, he needs to heal the unresolved wounds of the past.” Of course, Richard is using a male pronoun, but this applies to men and women alike. He continues, “To begin this process of healing, he must first learn to listen to the voices of his inner family. Then he must distinguish who is speaking and learn to satisfy the needs of his inner child in healthy and appropriate ways. He may also need to discipline and set boundaries for his inner brat or his inner tyrant who wants his way, the way he wants it, when he wants it.”

So again, this childlike part of us is free, filled with wonder and awe, and connected to the inner wisdom of our authentic self. It can be accessed only when we are safe and secure, feeling a sense of equilibrium (and not tense or anxious in our nervous system), able to feel spontaneous and open. The inner child is playful and so fully present in the moment that time doesn’t seem to exist. This same inner childlike part of each of us, when not acknowledged, can run rampant in our adult life, often reacting impulsively and selfishly. These reactions emerge from a core wound that the inner child must live with as a response to childhood trauma. Inner child wounds are the consistently unmet emotional, physical, and spiritual needs from our childhood expressed through our subconscious that continue to impact our present self.

Many of us feel unseen, unheard, and unloved, and we carry this pain with us throughout our lives. Even those we call “narcissists” aren’t truly living in a state of extreme self-love, not at all. In fact, they are big children who are reacting to an inner child wound that is deeply painful. When you see an adult pulling a tantrum, shouting, manipulating others, being impulsive, etc., realize that that’s the wounded inner child in action. Our friendships and relationships tend to activate our wounds at the most intense levels, though we can be emotionally activated by anyone in our lives who touches our wounds. We may argue loudly with partners or friends, slamming doors or stomping around (essentially throwing a tantrum). Remember when we used to get angry as kids, pack our toys and leave another kid who pissed us off? As adults, we see this in people refusing to share in success at work, for example, or feeling resentful about splitting a restaurant bill when you had less to eat. You can think of so many examples as well. 

The inner child is a petrified part of our psyche that formed when we were limited in our emotional coping abilities. This is why many of us act like children when we are threatened or upset. The reality is that many of us are stuck in this childlike state. We are emotionally illiterate because we are little children in adult bodies.

If your inner child is feeling disconnected, you will feel scared, lonely, anxious, sad, unsure, unsafe, unprotected, unplayful, uncreative, too focused, disappointed, and stressed. If you’re unaware of your inner child, you may not be as productive and loving as you know you can be. You most likely will have difficult relationships with family members or issues with your coworkers. You may have a hard time making and keeping friends. You may find it hard to let go, move forward, and be forgiving, and you may hold on to resentments.

As adults, we have no idea that we have inner children and they're the ones running our adult life. They're making decisions that children have no business making and reacting to most situations like a child. Our adult self on the other hand, goes on with day-to-day living, surviving, just getting by, thinking we're in control when it's our child who actually is. Our actions toward others, our feelings about ourselves, and our views on the world show otherwise. Understanding the inner child is the key to understanding our difficulties with relationships (personal and work), addictions, anger, jealousy, fears, ego traps, self-sabotaging and self-defeating behavior, etc.

We will talk more about how to connect to the inner child and establish an inner equilibrium with time. It will allow for more intimate connections in your personal life. It will help you to not react out of emotion and instead give you more clarity and less drama in your relationships. It will help you create better boundaries and will allow you to stop being a pleaser. It will help you to get to know yourself in ways you never knew about, resulting in self-love and healing. It also helps you improve your professional life: By helping you feel more confident in your career. With more confidence, you would make better work decisions, not allow coworkers to get "under your skin," choose your battles, clearly state your positions, communicate more clearly, and connect deeper with others for more.

24:33
In her book, Dr. Nicole Lepera describes seven common personality archetypes that typically describe our inner child states; many of us will resonate with more than one, but they are helpful in identifying the variations in our inner child reactions. What these archetypes have in common is that they all emerge from the inner child’s need to be seen, heard, and loved. These narratives were created by those unmet needs. Let’s look at those seven archetypes:

  • The caretaker. Most common archetype. Typically comes from codependent dynamics (we will talk more about codependency in the next episode). Gains a sense of identity and self-worth through neglecting their own needs. Believes that the only way to receive love is to cater to others and ignore their own needs. One’s identity and self-worth comes from putting others first and taking care of their needs.
  • The overachiever. Feels seen, heard, and valued through success and achievement, whether in school, relationships, work or anywhere. Uses external validation as a way to cope with low self-worth. Believes that the only way to receive love is through achievement. Gets top scores, strives to be the first, hates losing (even at games), they hold themselves to high standards in relationships, at work and almost every aspect in their lives.
  • The underachiever. Keep themselves small, unseen, and beneath their potential due to fear of criticism or shame around failure. Take themselves out of the emotional game before it’s even played - they keep themselves emotionally distant or separate from relationships. Believes that the only way to receive love is to stay invisible or have minimal impact on the world around them. Criticized a lot during childhood, believes that the less you try and do things, the less you’ll be noticed (safe from pain and hurt). They have so much talent and potential, but they don’t feel they’re safe or worthy to reveal this with the world around them. They may even have that fear with themselves (as part of their internal narrative): I am afraid of myself not living up to my own potential.
  • The rescuer/protector. Ferociously attempts to rescue/heal/save those around them in an attempt to heal from their own vulnerability, especially in childhood. Views others as helpless, incapable, and dependent and derives their love and self-worth from being in a position of power. Believes that the only way to receive love is to help others by focusing on their wants and needs and helping them solve their problems. Those felt powerless in childhood and had to rely on their own to defend themselves and attend to their own emotional, physical and spiritual needs. So they see others as helpless (which is a projection of how they see themselves).
  • The life of the party. This is the always happy and cheerful comedic person who never shows pain, weakness, or vulnerability. It’s likely that this inner child was shamed for their emotional states. Believes that the only way to feel okay and receive love is to make sure that everyone around them is happy. Probably had their emotions dismissed as a child (“toughen up!”, “be a man!”, “it wasn’t a big deal!”, “grow up!”). This person adopts a persona of always being happy and fine, and to show that to others.
  • The yes-person. Drops everything and neglects all needs in the service of others. Probably engaged in consistent self-sacrifice in childhood and engaged in deep codependency patterns, much as the caretaker did. Believes that the only way to receive love is to be both good and selfless. Their needs were neglected in childhood, so the only way to be seen was to please others around them.
  • The hero worshipper. Needs to have a person or guru to follow. Something or someone else to follow. Likely emerges from an inner child wound made by a caretaker who was perceived as superhuman, without faults. Ideal. Believes that the only way to receive love is to reject their own needs and desires and view others as a model to learn how to live. To be loved, I need to learn how to think, act and live like the ones I love and adore, not the way I genuinely want. When we learned not to trust ourselves as kids, we began to outsource our knowledge to others around us. This person always goes to others for advice (and never to themselves), regularly procrastinates and it always afraid of making the wrong decision. Depend on a core person in their life to model how they should go about their life, and constantly seek that person’s approval in saying and doing things to please them.

The wounded inner child carries all of these compulsions into adulthood. We carry this powerlessness, hoping that others will change our circumstances and make us happy, externalizing quick fixes and daydreaming of alternate realities. We seek approval from others so that we will feel good about ourselves. We choose the quick fix, like addictions and numbing behaviors, to feel pleasure in the moment that will dull our pain. Our real long term goal is to find that security inside ourselves. Our work is to internalize the feeling of being good enough—a state of "okayness" that is not reliant on others. And that is the goal of the work of healing the inner child.

Spend some time reflecting and witnessing your inner child throughout your day, and note which of your inner child archetypes are most frequently activated. Remember, several may resonate, but try to pick one to begin with. Follow your instinct as to which is the best fit, or go with the one that is most frequently or presently active. Over time, you can visit each of these archetypes, taking time to acknowledge each of the wounded parts of your child self.

The first step is to accept that you have an inner child that remains present in your adult life. It’s important to note that even if you can’t remember most of your childhood, it doesn’t mean that you can’t access your inner child. It is very likely that what you’re doing, feeling, and thinking every day is a living replica of those past experiences in one way or another. It’s through these daily experiences that we can all access our inner child.

The next step is to acknowledge that our inner child is wounded. You might say, “My childhood wasn’t that bad. I shouldn’t complain.” Remember: you are looking backward in time from the perspective of your adult brain with the awareness and maturity that can put things into proper perspective and alignment. Our child brains did not have these capabilities. Everything was bigger, more intense, more extreme than we can imagine now. Give your inner child the gift of acknowledging its wounds. Recall our talk on complex trauma in the past couple of episodes. If you haven’t listened to those episodes yet, I encourage you to give them a listen when you have time.

Accepting that you have an inner child with wounds will help you remove your shame about and disappointment in your inability to change, the feeling of being “stuck” that we’ve discussed before. Your inability to move forward or make changes isn’t about you, it’s an extension of the conditioned patterns and core beliefs you developed in your childhood. Your hurt inner child is still hurting. This is just a fact, it is not something to be ashamed of.

It’s important to acknowledge that even though your inner child is there, it is only a part of you. It is not your essential, intuitive self (which would be your healthy inner adult, your authentic self). When you react from that wounded place, begin to witness from a place of curiosity. Your goal is to gather information. When you shut down when your mom criticizes something about you, what narrative is your inner child telling you? When you erupt in a storm when someone cuts you off on your way to work, what is your inner child trying to communicate? When you are triggered to act out sexually, what does your inner child really need at that moment? Honor what your inner child is trying to tell you. Honor its experience. You don’t need to have the answers; just start to listen to the questions. The more you cultivate this listening, the more you will become present and aware. The greater your presence and awareness grow, the greater your ability to distinguish between your inner child reactions and your authentic self (or healthy inner adult) will be. And the better you’re able to distinguish between them, the better you’ll be able to make choices about how you will behave. This distance will give you the opportunity to choose the way you want to react.

Doing inner child work will not rid you of your inner child, and it will not fully heal the wounds of the past. There is a temptation to close the book on this work and tell yourself, “I’ve met my inner child. Now I’m all better. Time to move on.” In truth, the work is never done.The true shift happens when we accept that our inner child will always be there, so we cultivate an ongoing dialogue between our present self and our inner child. We’ll talk more about this in this episode.

35:40
So you might be asking, "How do I know if I’m acting like the inner adult or the inner child?" Our adult is the part of us that is strong in our thoughts, mature in our decision making, responsible with actions, grounded and rooted, willing to take a risk, brave and courageous, It stares down fear, it’s nurturing and kind and empowered by who we are. When we're within our adult self, we take care of responsibilities, have good manners, listen to others, are kind and respectful of ourselves, draw boundaries, show up on time, offer our help to others, don't tolerate rudeness or drama, are not petty, are not judgmental. We bring our adult into situations like business meetings, or when we need to get the kids to school on time, make healthy dinners for our family, know we must not be late for work, keep appointments, and run our lives in a sensible way.

Your inner adult is never going to be the one who has a temper tantrum at work because something didn't go their way. The wounded inner child will. Your inner adult is never going to be the one to gossip or talk behind another person’s back to be hurtful. But the inner child will when it’s hurt. Your adult will not engage in drama of any sort, experience fight/flight/freeze, shame you or put you down, judge you or anyone else, be envious, jealous, or feel separated and left out. It will not engage in self-pity or think of itself as the center of the universe. But the wounded inner child will do all of that.

Your inner adult is the one your child can turn to in order to keep them safe from the things that children have no business dealing with. Your adult is the one who will nurture their child, protect, validate, and love them no matter what. The adult is wise and has solutions. The adult is not going to react, they only act. And they do so wisely.

What are other examples in our adult lives when our inner child is actually in the driver’s seat? When we’re engaging in self-sabotage. Deliberately picking bad relationships. Engaging in addictive behavior. Feeling jealous of others and unable to be happy for their success. Judging others and putting them down. Emotional eating. Being impulsive. Enjoying drama. Anger. Not being able to be on time for class or work or appointments. Having a victim mentality. And so on. 

How do we feel as adults as a result of all of this? Anxious. Depressed. Angry. Confused. Excluded. Resentful of others. Feeling like a victim. “Poor me” and self-pity. Disconnected. Narcissistic. Passive aggressive. And so on.

Part of the healing work is stepping up as the inner adult and thinking of ways to take care of the child and make better decisions, allowing your adult self to do its work. Talk to your inner adult. Brainstorm solutions to better handle the situations in your life. Come up with a rough plan on how you will work to protect your child, rather than allow your child to protect you. Start thinking of ways your adult self can improve your life. Some examples include: making better decisions, picking better friends, choosing different activities, not overreacting, not overeating to soothe your feelings, not spending money you don't have to temporarily feel better, listening more to others, not interrupting, not pulling tantrums, having more compassion for others who do not know what you know now, and being nicer to yourself, for example.

I’m going to read a few statements, and try and think which ones come from your inner child, and which ones come from your inner adult: “I get mad when a car cuts me off”, “I have no need to worry; I have everything under control”, “I get mad when I have to discuss money with my spouse”, “When asked to lower my voice, I get upset”, “I am calling in sick too frequently to work”, “I would love to sit down and talk about our family budget to get a better handle on things”, “I know all of my needs are being met”, “I don't have to have all the answers to trust that it will all work out inshaAllah”, “I am letting a coworker get under my skin”, “I love the smell of chocolate”, “I hear you and I love you no matter what”, “I love listening to other people's point of view”, “I love the way the sunshine makes my body feel”, “I hate that no one respects my opinion”, “I get mad when everyone is late all the time”.

Now think about several of the situations you've found yourself in during the past few weeks. And think about how you reacted to them: did you react from your inner child or from your inner adult? Think of all of your interactions with coworkers, personal relationships, family members, your children, strangers, while driving, grocery store shopping, and so on. With all this awareness, you'll start to see sort of a map of how you think and how you react to the situations that upset you the most. In doing this, we're able to detach and witness ourselves, our beliefs, and how we react or don't react to certain situations.

42:25
Once we know the difference between our inner adult and inner child, and from where the different impulses, thoughts and feelings manifest, we can start the process of reparenting and healing. The way we heal these wounds is to give ourselves all the things we didn’t get as children. The way we move forward is to have the awareness that we can become the wise parent to ourselves that we did not have as a child. This is the process of reparenting, and it enables you to relearn how to meet the unmet needs of your inner child through daily, dedicated, and conscious action.

Nicole LePera says it so beautifully, “No one but you can, and will have to, show up each and every day to take care of those ever-changing needs. These are efforts that must come from you, and in the process of harnessing your own power, you will create a deeper, more authentic connection to your authentic self, and by extension, to those around you. It’s our responsibility to teach ourselves the tools to meet our own needs. When we reparent, we begin by learning how to identify our physical, emotional, and spiritual needs and then we practice noticing the conditioned way we’ve gone about attempting to get those needs met. Many of us may find that in adulthood, we often embody the critical inner parent, denying our reality, rejecting our needs, and choosing the perceived needs of those around us over our own. Guilt and shame replace our intuitive voice.”

Richard Cohen agrees with this when he says, “First, he must learn to listen to the voice of his inner child. Before he looks to others to take care of his needs, he must first become a good parent to himself. He needs to enhance and/or create a nurturing inner parent and quiet the critic. Most of us desperately want acceptance. Acceptance begins internally, not from the world outside. First, he must learn to accept himself before looking to others for acceptance. Otherwise, he determines his well-being by how others think and feel about him, rather than how he thinks and feels about himself. World peace begins within, not outside.”

So how do we go about reparenting and healing the inner child?

Resources. A famous book that Richard Cohen always recommends is Recovery of Your Inner Child, by Dr. Lucia Capacchione. In this workbook, the author helps us identify different parts of the inner family—the vulnerable child, angry child, nurturing parent, protective parent, critical parent, wounded child, playful, creative, and spiritual children. It is a very good primer to begin inner child recovery. There are many drawing and writing exercises as well as assignments that are of tremendous benefit. Other recommended books include Healing the Child Within, by Dr. Charles Whitfield, Self Parenting: The Complete Guide to Your Inner Conversations, by John Pollard, The Inner Child Workbook, by Cathryn Taylor, and Recovery from Codependency: It's Never Too Late to Reclaim Your Childhood, by Dr. Laurie Weiss and Dr. Jonathan Weiss. A very new book that came out last year is called Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction by Eddie Capparucci, and as the name suggests, it goes deep into inner child work to help us heal our sexual addictions and behaviors. I will add links to all these books in the episode descriptions so you can check them out.

Meditation. This is another helpful tool to access the inner child, and it has done me wonders personally. I will add a couple of meditations to the episode description that you can check out. Prayer and achieving a sense of inner calmness also allows us to get in touch with our inner child. Another helpful way is to listen to positive affirmations that you record to yourself, or you hear from playlists, or you have a safe person/mentor record for you. Many people have found these to be helpful in their healing journeys and to help them reconnect with their inner child as well.

Self-compassion. We want to quiet our inner critic and embrace self-respect and compassion. With the help of the wise inner parent, you can learn how to validate your reality and feelings by witnessing them, rather than instinctually judging or ignoring them. Your wise inner parent cultivates acceptance while honoring the needs of your inner child—to be seen, heard, and valued for the authentic parts of yourself. You become the priority. To develop your wise inner parent, you will want to learn how to trust yourself (maybe for the first time in your life). You can begin to rebuild this lost trust by setting small promises to yourself to engage in daily acts of self-care, and following through with those intentions. It will be helpful to begin a new habit of speaking kindly to yourself, as if you were dealing with a child in pain. Each day, you could begin to ask yourself the question: What can I do for myself at this moment? The more you do this, the more it will become an automatic response to the world around you that will reconnect you to your intuition.

Loving discipline. This involves creating boundaries with ourselves that are maintained over time. We do this by making and keeping small promises and developing daily routines and habits. Discipline is an important part of the healing process and cultivating it helps us to show up for ourselves. Many of us were raised with shame-based perceptions of discipline—it involved punishment for being “bad” and we may have felt judged or rejected. Self-discipline is the reverse of self-betrayal. We chose to make a new habit, and by proving to ourselves that we are worth showing up for, we build a sense of inner reliability and resilience. This instills a deep sense of confidence that touches other aspects of our lives. The act of loving discipline cultivates routine with compassion and flexibility.

So again, daily promises to yourself that you will keep no matter what. You show up to yourself and re-establish that trust in yourself, so your inner child learns to trust you again. Your promise can be small, such as drinking a glass of water on a regular basis, or big, such as learning how to say “no” to things that don’t serve you on your journey. Other examples include: flossing your teeth every night, doing a 10 minute meditation every day, writing a few sentences in your journal, cooking breakfast, going for a walk, reading a book, working out, or just relaxing. The key is to do something every day—do it consistently, and build up the trust that you will show up consistently for yourself. Do one small thing and build that habit daily. Then move on to something else and build that one daily. And so on. But don’t back out once you’ve made that decision and promised yourself. 

It’s very important that this act of daily discipline be a loving one. Many people have created too-rigid boundaries around what they allow themselves. Military-style discipline, which leaves no room for flexibility and the inevitable mistake, can result in destructive patterns that do not express the true wants and needs of our authentic selves. There will be days when we want to lie in bed all day, indulge in food, or take a break from self-grooming. That’s fine. If we’ve developed confidence over time, we know that we can take a break and the ritual will always be there to return to when we choose. We will not fall apart if we take a day or two to rest.

Practice self-care. The phrase itself has gotten a bad reputation in recent years, as it’s been commodified and used as an example of self-indulgence. True self-care means to support your needs and valuing your worth, and it’s not indulgent at all. It’s fundamental to holistic wellness. Self-care is the act of learning to identify and care for your physical and emotional wants and needs, especially those that were denied in childhood. There are so many ways to incorporate acts of self-care into our day: praying on time, meditating for five minutes (or longer), moving our bodies, journaling, spending time in nature, spending time alone, allowing the sun to caress our skin, connecting intimately with a person we love, having a healthy meal, breathing and relaxing, and so on. Developing good sleep hygiene is a very important part of self-care; getting quality sleep makes us happier and cognitively stronger. Go to bed a half hour earlier. Turn off your phone two hours before bed. Stop drinking caffeine after 1:00 p.m. Try one or all of these things, and see how much better you feel in your body and mind. We talked about this in the previous episode if you remember. There are so many ways to practice self-care, surprise yourself.

Rediscover our childlike sense of wonder. One of the most important pieces of advice to inner child work. Remember, the inner child world is made up of a combination of creativity and imagination, joy and spontaneity, and, of course, playfulness. Psychiatrist Stuart Brown, author of Play: How It Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul, called play a “public necessity” after he studied the lack of play in the childhoods of young men who went on to commit homicidal acts. He’s since studied the role of play in the lives of thousands of people and has found that a life lived without play contributes to the development of depression, chronic stress-related illnesses, and even criminal behavior. “A lack of play should be treated like malnutrition,” he wrote, “it’s a health risk to your body and mind.”

The reality is that many of us were raised in homes where childlike wonder was not valued or even tolerated, so creativity was not fostered. Some of us were told to put away our paintbrushes because “artists don’t make money”, others had parent-figures who ignored or suppressed their own creative endeavors in favor of more practical pursuits, while others were punished for unstructured playing when we were supposed to be “working”. Some don’t have one memory of their father or mother playing with them as kids, and that’s heartbreaking.

As adults, it’s crucial for us to prioritize the things in our lives that bring us joy in themselves, not because of any secondary gains (money, success, adoration). We can help reengage our sense of childlike wonder by streaming our favorite music and dancing or singing freely. We can do something off the cuff, be impulsive, follow our passions. We can try something new that we’ve always wanted to do just because we want to and without needing to perfect it: learn how to sew, study a new language, take surfing lessons, do something spontaneous. It can involve getting your hands dirty in the garden with your plants, complimenting a stranger on their outfit, or reconnecting with old friends. All of these examples share one essential component: doing something for the enjoyment of it, not for any external reward. Just like we as kids would do something to enjoy it, not thinking about anything else in the process. Go out and have fun. Take a bike ride, walk in the park and go on the swing set, go skating or take a trip to some awesome place. And enjoy all that.

Remember when you were a kid, what were your favorite foods? Your favorite ice cream? Candy? Your favorite toys? Your favorite friends? Activities you enjoyed doing? Things that made you laugh or made you happy? Colors that made you feel good? Places to visit? Favorite movies? Favorite music? Favorite song? By answering these questions, you're starting to remember the feelings you had. Now think of a list of the things you can do as an adult that will bring about the same feelings, and do one thing at a time when you get the time. 

Communicate with your inner child. There’s a very nice exercise in Dr. Nicole LePera’s book where she encourages us to write a letter to our inner child. Remember the seven archetypes we spoke about earlier.  For instance, my inner child archetype is that of the caretaker. An example of writing a letter to my inner child would be something like:

Dear Little Caretaker Waheed,
I know you have felt you needed to take care of everyone around you, to make them feel better, and to make sure everyone is happy with you. I know this makes you feel really tired and you don’t always end up being able to make people feel better. You don’t have to do this anymore. You are allowed to take care of yourself now. I promise you, others will still love you. I see you, I hear you, and I love you always,
Wise Adult Waheed

The same goes with the other archetypes. Or whatever you identify with personally. 

Dear Little Me (your name),

I know you have felt you needed to do some things perfectly to make others or yourself feel happy, proud, or loved. Or hide some aspects of yourself out of fear of being hurt by others. I know you have felt you have to jump in and save everyone around you every time they have a problem, need help, or are feeling sad. I know you have felt that you have to say “yes” whenever someone asks you to do something for them. You don’t have to do this anymore. You are allowed to stop pushing yourself so hard to do things perfectly. You are allowed to shine just the way you are. You are allowed to let others see how good you really are. I promise you can let your goodness show and still be loved. You don’t have to save anyone or fix anyone, you don’t have to say yes to anything. I promise you are more than enough exactly as you are. 

I see you, I hear you, and I love you always,

Wise Adult Me (your name)

I encourage you to write letters to your inner child saying whatever nice things you would like to say to them, and communicate the way you like. You may do this as part of a journaling routine. Some people do it every night and read what they wrote when they wake up in the morning. The “wise parent you” writing to “little child you” telling them they’re loved, seen and cared for, that you love them and you want to embrace and take care of them.

Tell them that no matter who did not see them before, you see them now. Reassure them that even though you may not have even seen them up until this point, it's only because you didn't know better. Now that you know better, you promise to always see them. Always say, "Please and thank you." When working with your child, it's important to give them the same respect that you want in return. By doing this, it shows your inner child that you do respect them. It shows that they are important to you and that you'll be upheld to the same expectations as they are. Always say, "I love you." Make sure they know you love them, always and forever. Be dependable. Make sure that when your inner child sends you a sign, you're there to acknowledge it. 

Explain to your child that it takes patience as you're learning to become more in tune with them. This will make them feel even more special. The more they see that you're working at this connection, the more they'll fall in love with you and then trust you. It takes a while to become alert and aware all the time. With practice, you'll begin to get more in tune with yourself and start to immediately recognize the signs. Be honest. Take adult responsibility. Always be honest with yourself and others, this includes your inner child. If you were absent, own up to it. If you failed, show them that failure is only part of growing and now you know better. If you disappoint them, let them know that was because of you, and not them. Explain to them that sometimes even grown-ups make mistakes, but together with love, patience, honesty, and understanding, you can grow together.

There are other ways to communicate with the inner child as well. John Pollard's book, Self Parenting, describes a simple and effective method to dialogue with the inner child. With the dominant hand, he allows the voice of the parent to speak. With the non-dominant hand, he allows the voice of the child to speak. In this way, both voices communicate and share with each other. It may sound bizarre, but it is very effective. The reason to draw or write with the non-dominant hand is that it bypasses the intellectual neurology and gets us in touch with our body and feelings. You may divide the paper down the middle. On one side, you let the adult or parent voice speak and ask questions. On the other side, you allow the voice of the inner child to speak and respond.

Another exercise I personally like involves finding a picture of yourself as a child and then sitting with it alone. Look at this picture and imagine what he/she is saying to you. Close your eyes and feel what they're feeling, hear what they're saying to you, and see what they're showing you. Write down everything that comes to you. Don't judge it. Just allow yourself the connection between you and this picture. Don't worry about the spelling, how you're saying it, or what it looks or what it sounds like. You might be surprised by the feelings that you're having. That's okay. You're providing a safe space for your child to speak to you.

How are they feeling? Are they happy? Are they funny? Are they goofy? Introspective? Wise? Playful? Creative? Loving? Kind? Sweet? What else? Write down those feelings and get to know them more. What makes them silly? What makes them smile? What makes them wise? What makes them laugh? And so on.

Now let’s look at the other side: How do they feel when they don't feel their best? Are they scared? Lonely? Isolated? Intimidated? Angry? Sad? Insecure? Unsafe? Not seen? Not validated? Not feeling loved? What else? Spend some time to get to know some of the things that might make them shut down.

The more you dive into this kind of work, the more that you’ll unravel parts of yourself that you didn’t know before. Your inner child will communicate with you, and it’s fascinating. Trust me, I thought it was mumbo-jumbo too before I actually did the work. Now I can attest to this. It takes time to earn the trust of your inner child, but once you have that, you’ll discover a whole new world. You’re literally communicating with little you.

Through all of the techniques that we just listed, your inner child will reveal what he/she needs. It is important to meet those needs in a timely and appropriate manner. You must never make promises that you cannot keep. Be consistent, and keep your daily promises. Start small. Once you’re consistent, your inner child will begin to trust you and will then reveal increasingly deeper truths about your experience. Remember to keep a balance between light and dark energies, as Richard Cohen says, heal past wounds and make time to play. 

I would like to share this piece with you: It’s an agreement that you can actually write down in your own words and decorate in your own way, and it’s basically a promise that you keep to your inner child, and it goes like this:

I, the adult of (your name), promise to always be there to nurture, love, listen, see, validate, and heal you. I will do my very best, from this point forward, to be more aware of you and your needs. I promise that I will show up, stand up, and take the burdens from you that you no longer need to carry. I, as your adult, will take on the adult duties from now on. You don't have to absorb feelings for me, stick up for me, do my work for me, or anything related to this. All you must do is do what you do as a child. Play, be creative, and love. I, on this date, (date), together with you, little me, promise to each stay in our own selves as we live a full and happy life together.

Memory healing. Part of inner child work involves retrieving and releasing the past, which is a very effective tool for healing. If the memory is one of severe trauma, it is important to not do this alone, but rather with a trained professional or mentor who is there to guide us through the pain and process of healing, and perhaps to hold and nurture us, if necessary.

Doing this work will uncover many past moments when our inner child felt unaccepted, unseen, shamed, unimportant. Unsafe in a nutshell. Again, remember our talk on complex trauma in the previous couple of episodes. To cope with our deep rooted pain and shame, many of us resorted to numbing behavior, which includes addiction as well as self-sabotage. For many of us, we feel, at our core, to be unworthy, unlovable and bad, given all the messages we received as kids (whether overtly so or covertly by feeling unseen, unheard or unimportant). 

A way to move past this is to access and engage the core wounds of one’s inner child. We learn that, when our shame is activated, instead of giving in to the triggers and numbing behaviors, we give that inner child a safe space to express him/herself, embrace that little kid that needs love and attention in that moment. That helps break the continued expression of shame and problematic coping. We will talk about this in a little bit.

Find mentors and develop healthy same-sex friendships to help you on your journey. We have spoken about this a lot throughout this podcast. I refer you back to Richard Cohen’s episode (episode 12) as well as episode 27 when we spoke about the how’s and why’s of all this. A lot of these healthy friendships and mentors help us develop a stronger inner adult and meet a lot of the unmet needs of the inner child. We create new healing experiences and engage in fun, learning, and nurturing activities, thus fulfilling many of our deepest unmet needs.

Emotional regulation. This is the skill to successfully navigate our emotional states. Emotional regulation is our ability to cope with stress in a flexible, tolerant, and adaptive way. We’ve discussed many helpful techniques when we talked about healing complex trauma in the previous episode (episode 46). Examples include: deep belly breathing to regulate our stress response, non-judgmentally witnessing changes in our body’s sensations, and noticing patterns in our mental narratives that are connected to those emotional states, among others. See what works for you personally and practice that.

1:08:43
Part of emotional regulation involves noticing our triggers and why we are triggered (and I’m not talking about sexual triggers only, but rather in general).  A trigger is something that sets off an old memory and wound and arouses your emotions (usually the fight/flight/freeze response). So when someone hits on some part of an emotion that was never healed, we have an automatic response because that unhealed part of us was triggered. Some of the automatic responses we have are anger, resentment, jealousy, bitterness, sadness, feeling left out, isolation, fear, feeling stupid, etc.

Part of inner child work is trying to understand what hurts our inner child and how these hurts affect the world around them. We do this by listening to our inner child, getting to know them, and then reassuring them that they're safe and that you're now their adult and will not let them feel unsafe. We help them re-record over the old narratives with new, healthy and safe narratives that you, as the adult of your child, help to record in a loving, safe, compassionate, and open way.

So let’s do this exercise together to clarify this further. Once you understand this, you can start implementing it in your daily life. When you’re triggered, try and identify a chain of four things: the trigger itself → “the trigger makes me feel…” (feeling) → origin of the feeling (original wound) → “So I want to do this in return…” (fight/flight/freeze response).

Let’s take an example: You’re driving and someone else cuts you off. That’s the trigger (#1). What do you feel? Angry probably (#2). Origin? Felt unseen, invisible (#3). Discharge? Fight/Flight/Freeze. Honk the car/curse/cut the person off again (ego-driven), etc. 

Another example: People talk over you and interrupt you constantly. That’s the trigger (#1). What do you feel? Sad. Angry. Frustrated (#2). Origin? No one cares what I have to say, I feel invisible, unseen (#3). Discharge? Interrupt them/fight them (fight), escape the convo (flight) , shut down and ignore (freeze).

Another example: Spouse/roommate has clothes on the floor/dirty dishes in the sink constantly despite your complaints. That’s the trigger. What do you feel? Angry/frustrated. Origin? No one heard me, I’m invisible, unimportant, not seen as worthy or good enough to be heard. Discharge? Fight/flight/freeze - yell/make a scene, or give up altogether, or feel bitter and ignore the situation.

So many examples of triggers we can think of. Being teased. An innocent comment about your looks. Being threatened. Colleagues showing off at work. Not being recognized for your work and contributions. Not being allowed to express yourself. Your schedule gets thrown off. Your authority is not respected at work. And so many others.

What are the origins of these triggers? Usually one of these: Not being accepted. Not being heard. Not being validated. Not being in control (but someone else is taking control of my life). Not receiving attention. Not being liked, valued or loved. Not being peaceful. Not being smart. Not being needed. Not being treated fairly. Not feeling safe.

Now look at the same triggers and think to yourself, if a child came to you and told you these feelings, what would you say to them? How would you nurture them and embrace them? How would you help them understand the situation? Would you use it as a time to teach? 

So going back to the examples I just gave. Someone cuts you off while driving, people talk over you or your house is messy because of your spouse/flatmate - your inner child is triggered through that chain reaction. Imagine your inner child coming to you in that trigger mode, and you’re the inner adult. Take a step back and breathe through the trigger. Acknowledge how your inner child is feeling. Embrace them and give them the love they need.  Begin to witness your inner child and how they're feeling in that moment. Begin to connect with them. Let them know that you're there for them, that you're protecting them, and that you hear and see them.

Allow them to release what's inside of them (this way you will know what to address). If it’s anger or sadness or frustration, visualize that child releasing all that and you’re the one listening and embracing them. Listen to their words. Hold space for them. By holding space for them, you're validating that you see them. Once you're able to make this connection with your inner child, it's important that you, as the adult, give yourself the validation and the acknowledgement for a job well done. It's not always easy to catch ourselves before we slip into our inner child. No one ever said that kids came with an instruction manual. This is true of our own inner child and adult as well. And then you fix the situation as an adult, by having a respectful conversation with someone who interrupted you and stating your position, or by setting boundaries with others, or by fixing a problem, and so on.

You're with other people (e.g., coworkers, family, friends) and you find yourself starting to come from your inner child because you were triggered. What do you do? Stop. Breathe. Listen to the "little you" voice inside your head. Excuse yourself from the room if need be and if possible. Acknowledge that you hear your inner child. Once you've acknowledged and validated that you sense them being upset, take a moment to connect with yourself. Have a brief conversation letting your child know you see them, you hear them, and that there's no need for them to be in this situation at all. That you, the adult, will handle it. This allows you to walk back into the situation with confidence that you can handle anything that happens now. By doing this, your adult is taking responsibility, therefore releasing your inner child to return to their appropriate child place. You’re the adult authentic self, and the inner child has taken a back seat, knowing that you can handle the situation well. 

Now the question is, can we do this with sexual triggers and addictions as well? Absolutely. In many cases, the inner child is the one that’s triggered, because, remember, it’s the one that resorted to the numbing behavior in the first place (whether that’s compulsive masturbation, porn, sexual acting out, using substances, overeating, or whatever that behavior is). Most of the time, the inner child is lonely longing for connection but isn’t getting it, so it resorts to what it’s used to, through numbing behavior. Or it’s angry and frustrated, so it needs something to soothe itself. Or maybe it’s just tired because you’re overworked and lacking in sleep, that it needs to numb. Whatever it is. Catching your inner child in a triggered state and using the same line of thinking I’ve just outlined can also help you manage your sexual triggers when they arise.

1:18:14
So we talked about our own inner child, but what about other people’s inner child? The most important thing to understand is that just as you and your inner child needed to learn about each other, so does everyone else need to learn about theirs. By being less critical of others, and where they are in their journey, you're creating a new and loving space for everyone. 

Oftentimes, we want to share what we have learned and how it helped us with those around us and let them know how it can help them as well. Recognize and appreciate that not everyone is as ready to do their work as you have been. Just as you want to be respected for where you are on your journey, so do others. When we treat people the way we wish to be treated, they feel that energy and its healing all on a deeper level.

As was said earlier, kids are fast, tricky, and can be manipulative. When faced with a difficult situation or person, before you do anything, make sure you are in your adult place. Children have a way of sneaking in when we least expect it. Be aware of your emotions. Be aware of the triggers you have that may be lurking within the situation between you and the other person. 

When you're in your adult self, it's easier to see when someone else is not in their adult self. They may be reactive, judgmental, fearful, jealous, or emotional; all the things you learned about your own inner child. Remember, their inner child and adult have not done this work and proceed accordingly. Don't get into their playing field and engage with them. If you do, that is a red-flag warning that you are coming from your inner child and not your adult. 

As you would with your own inner child, come from a place of love, acknowledge their feelings, validate that you hear them, and hold space for them as they carry on to you. This is not about them getting it as much as it is about you staying within your adult self as they react from their inner child. Remember that staying aware will save you from getting your own inner child triggered, and the drama that follows if that were to happen.

If you sense their defenses coming in, acknowledge within yourself what you're dealing with, and save the conversation you wanted to have with them for another time. That's your adult taking the high road. This is protecting your inner child from having to deal with this person's inner child's reactions right now. There's nothing you are going to say or do that is going to get them out of the state they are in. By stepping up and taking the high road, you're doing just that. Start with your adult and protect your inner child by telling them that this is not their battle to fight, and move on.

What do you do once you're triggered by them? As soon as you realize that you were pulled into their inner child’s playing field and the game is on, take yourself out of it. It usually happens so fast you won't even know you were sucked into the vortex. The more you practice this new behavior, the easier it will get. In the meantime, try to bring yourself back to the moment. Practice deep breathing and conscious awareness, the multitude of mindfulness techniques we’ve been talking about so far in this season. Make a conscious decision to remove yourself from the situation. This is your adult stepping in, taking control of the situation, and backing away from the drama. If you feel as if you can't get out, know that it's still your inner child, not your adult, that is still engaging. Detach a little more and step back. As you gain more awareness, continue to step back, gain more and more control of the situation, and witness what is happening until your adult sees what is happening, and then removes you from the situation altogether.

The adult steps in, protects your inner child, and, again, you can move on. If you're present for your inner child, they won't hold a grudge towards you or others. Children are forgiving and they'll appreciate that you "rescued" them from a situation they did not need to be in. Be nice to yourself if this happens. Remember it happens to all of us. It's how you pull yourself back out that counts.

With everything we spoke about today, I hope that you have gained an awareness about yourself, first and foremost, and about many of the relationships you have, whether family, friends or colleagues. 

From an inner child framework coupled with the topics we spoke about in the complex trauma episodes, we can understand why, within our family units, we struggle to understand, communicate, find closure, forgive, and heal. With healing and inner child work, we begin to release resentment, find forgiveness, release the burdens of the past, stop being the victim, and begin to heal old wounds.

We also begin to understand why, in relationships, we or they struggle to commit, why they can't give you what you need, why they don't see you, why they work too much, why they love you as much as they can love you, why they might suffer from various addictions, and why they have a difficult time communicating. 

At work or at school, witness and understand how other people bring their inner child to work with them and how it can affect the office morale and productivity. We learn not to take things personally and recognize how to get ahead by coming from your adult, while others come from their wounded inner child. We can learn to be more productive by managing our inner child work, care less about others’ drama and inner world and pay more attention to nurturing ourselves, and allow ourselves to be more creative.

With all of these realizations, one by one, look at how many people in your lives may not have been coming from their inner adult. Maybe they hurt you, let you down, disappointed you, ignored you, put you down, scared you, abused you, or have been emotionally and/or mentally difficult to be around. That is their wounded inner child in action, in the driver’s seat, without them even realizing that. By understanding that most people react to protect themselves (as you once did), by using their various coping skills they need to survive, they may inadvertently hurt others, including you. Now you understand where this comes from, which makes it easier for you to comprehend and not take it personally.

Forgiveness is not about believing what happened was okay. It's about realizing what happened, and accepting what was. When you’re willing and able to accept and let go, you're releasing the heavy burden that you once carried that was not yours to carry. This is your choice rather than feeling as if you have no choice. By doing this, you release the victim mentality. It gives you empowerment over the situation and aids in the healing process. By accepting what was, we automatically let go of our old expectations of the way we wanted things to be, and accept things the way they were. We have a more realistic understanding of where all the hurt came from. 

On the healing journey, we are able to set boundaries and clearly communicate expectations with others (we will talk more about this in detail in later episodes). When we state these expectations from our adult place, we're stating them in a rational and balanced way that protects our inner child from having to make emotional demands from others. As adults know, just because expectations are stated does not mean that everyone will follow them. If they don't follow them, know that is coming from their inner child reacting, not their rational adult self. By stating your truths and following through with your consequences, it not only helps you and your inner child, but it also helps others as well. Let go of the "expectation" that they'll finally get you. By thinking that, your inner child's wants and wishes will be validated. Know that by them not getting you, it's only because they're on their own journey, one that has nothing to do with you.

And finally, how do we help people? The same way you would help your own inner child. Listen. Hold space. Validate. Send love. Don't try to fix them. Nurture. And let go.

1:27:22
I would like to end this episode with a beautiful affirmation by Doe Zantamata, “If you could only see you. If you could step outside of yourself, you could really see you. You could see the child in you. You could see the infant in you. You could see the pain in you. You could see the hope in you. You could see the potential in you. You could believe in you. You would be in awe of the amazingly strong, courageous miracle of an individual that is you. You would love you. I hope you see you.” And with this, we have come to the end of today's episode. I hope that you have enjoyed it and learned from it, inshaAllah. In the next episode, my friend Amina is joining me in a series of episodes on attachments, dependency and codependency, inshaAllah. Until then, stay safe and healthy. This has been Waheed Jensen in “A Way Beyond the Rainbow”, assalamu alaikom wa rahmatullahi ta’ala wa barakatuh.

Episode Introduction
Attachment Theory
Introduction to Inner Child
Inner Child Archetypes
"Am I acting from my inner child or my inner adult?"
Reparenting and Healing the Inner Child
Triggers and Inner Child Work
Other People’s Inner Child
Ending Remarks