#54 - On Islamic Sexual Ethics and Gender Norms

In this episode, we explore together some of the ripple effects of the sexual revolution and gay liberation movement, discuss the nature of morality in Islam, and introduce relevant sexual ethics and gender norms within Islam based on the male-female dichotomy.

What are some of the tangible effects of the sexual revolution that we witness nowadays? How do we understand morality, sexuality and gender norms within an Islamic framework, and how does that contrast with the modern Western paradigm? Are there Islamic legal exceptions or special considerations for men and women dealing with same-sex attractions and/or gender dysphoria when it comes to matters of morality and behavior with members of one's own gender? These and other questions are explored in this episode.

References used in this episode:
- "Boys will be Boys - Gender identity issues" by Sh. Abdal-Hakim Murad
- "Fall of the Family" by Sh. Abdal-Hakim Murad
- "Gender, Sexuality, Morality and Identity" webinar by Dr. Sharif El-Tobgui

Transcript

Waheed 00:37
Assalamu alaikom wa rahmatullahi ta’ala wa barakatuh, and welcome to a new episode of “A Way Beyond the Rainbow”, this podcast series dedicated to Muslims experiencing same-sex attractions who want to live a life true to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala and Islam. I'm your host Waheed Jensen, thank you so much for joining me in today's episode. So far in this season, we have been discussing several themes pertinent to our healing journey: from conscious awareness and self-reflection, understanding and healing complex trauma as well as inner child work and reparenting, to understanding and healing attachments, emotional dependency and codependency as well as setting boundaries. 

Today we start a series of episodes related to sexual recovery, where we discuss several themes pertinent to our healing and recovery journey, like masturbation, pornography, sex addiction, hook-up culture, as well as understanding and recovering from sexual abuse. Before we go into these sensitive and heavy topics, I thought it would be a good idea to zoom out a little bit and look at the bigger picture: we have to talk about Islamic sexual ethics and gender norms, as this discussion would set the proper foundations necessary to help us with the topics on sexual recovery. Afterall, from our perspective as Muslims, the discussion would be deficient if we don’t talk about morality, for example, or the gender norms within Islam. Keeping in mind our contemporary context and the current socio-political climate that we live in, this also means looking at the decades’ long aftermath of the sexual revolution as well as the feminist and gay liberation movements, which challenge foundational notions of gender, sexuality and family. We will also look at particular challenges faced by individuals experiencing same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria within the established legal Islamic framework.

If we start with these topics as a foundation for the many episodes to come, it would make sense as to why particular matters are prohibited (like pornography consumption or hook-up culture, for example) and how we can not only heal from a lot of the addictive habits, but also establish proper guidelines that would help us avoid these matters altogether and build ourselves physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally and socially. Nothing is arbitrary when it comes to the proper rules and prohibitions in our Deen, which aim to protect and preserve the individual, the family unit as well as society as a whole. So let’s get started with today’s episode on Islamic sexual ethics and gender norms, inshaAllah.

03:24
We are living in the shadows or the aftermath of the sexual revolution, a movement that began in the late 1960s in the Western world and spread throughout Western countries very rapidly. Part and parcel of the revolution was a rejection of Christian, or rather Abrahamic, monotheistic moral norms surrounding gender, sex and sexuality.

There has been a huge tidal wave of shifting in the last 50 years with regards to society’s moral code when it comes to sex and sexuality. For example, dress codes, public display of affection, even the language used in conversations or in the media has changed drastically. What we see on TV in terms of scenes of intimacy, affection and even sex did not even exist just a few decades ago. Almost 50 years ago, pornography was illegal everywhere. The first country in the world to legitimize pornography was Denmark, and that took place in 1967. That year, the country legalized pornographic literature. In 1969, it became the first country ever to legalize pornography in the form of pictures and audiovisuals. At that point, there was no control when it came to content and access to content, such that even child pornography was legal. In the late 1970’s/early 1980’s, they sought to at least regulate child pornography, but other forms of porn were still allowed. This shows us the radical shift in social norms and the moral code surrounding sex and sexuality.

Even until the 1960s and 1970s, before the advent of the birth control pill, other contraceptive methods were not that reliable, and so engaging in a sexual act outside of marriage carried the risk of pregnancy. Sex was closely tied to reproduction, and this was in the context of marriage, since having kids out of wedlock was a big deal back then. The morals of societies were tied to Christian sexual ethics as well as the pragmatics of the given situation. But once there was a way out (via the birth control pill), a challenging of sexual norms began in the West through society’s behaviors. On the other hand, in Muslim countries as well as in far Eastern countries, that didn’t unleash a sexual revolution and a loosening of sexual ethics.

As a result, what emerged was a separation of sex, reproduction and marriage. Originally, sex, reproduction and marriage were tightly-knit variables. You had to be married to have sex, and sex in general was tied with reproduction. What were once tightly-knit variables now became free-floating variables, so to speak. One could now have sex independent of reproduction and even outside of marriage. As a result, with liberalization of sex and the shifting of social and sexual norms, society witnessed a rise in divorce rates, with less marriages taking place, as well as the demise of the nuclear family and further social dislocations, such as fatherlessness, single-mother households and delinquency among children, teenagers and adults.

With all these shifts taking place, it was a matter of time before society witnessed the prominence and visibility of homosexuality and the rise of the Gay Liberation Movement (GLM) on the coattails of the Sexual Revolution. Again, when sex, reproduction and marriage are strongly tied, homosexuality does not fit into the equation. Of course, homosexual acts did exist, but they were taboo, illegal and not publicly boasted about. Once the sexual norms were loosened and the three variables of sex, reproduction and marriage were split, it was only a matter of time before homosexual acts came to be seen as morally neutral and acceptable, as the grounds had already been laid to question the fundamentals behind sex, sexuality, gender, reproduction and the family unit.

As a result, this paradigm shift puts traditional religious believers in a difficult position, as all monotheistic religions have a very similar moral and sexual code when it comes to these matters, which the sexual revolution and the gay liberation movement as a result have changed drastically.

In an article called “Boys Will Be Boys,” Sh. Abdal Hakim Murad quotes Germaine Greer in her book The Whole Woman, who suggests that “the sexual liberation that accompanied the gender revolution has in most cases harmed women more than men” and has led to “an increase in infidelity, and a consequent rise in divorce and single parenthood. Again, it is women who have shouldered most of the burden.” Pornography, which is opposed by most feminists as it dehumanizes and objectifies women, has become a multi-billion dollar industry, catered largely to the satisfaction of men. This is in addition to the fashion industry and a rising obsession with physical flaws, attended to by the medical and pharmaceutical industries (through medications and cosmetic surgeries). The result of all of this is a rise in depression and mental health issues among women. As Sh. Abdal Hakim Murad further asserts, “What is clear is that there has not been a liberation of women so much as a throwing off of one pattern of dependence in exchange for another. The husband has become dispensable; the pharmaceutical industry, and the ever-growing army of psychiatrists and counsellors, have taken his place. Happiness seems as remote as ever.”

In another piece called “Fall of the Family,” he mentions: “It is effectively a blasphemy today to suggest that the new orthodoxies might have worsened our social ills rather than led us into a happy and liberated utopia – yet this is what seems to have occurred. Income disparities continue to widen. The use of antidepressants spreads like an epidemic. Young women suffer from increasing levels of depression, self-harm, and anxiety; children say they crave a loving mother and a father, but often find themselves in broken homes. There is a vague but general search for stability, for harmony with nature and for “being real.” And yet the pseudo-religion is still powerful enough to ensure that the notions which have presided over such dissolution may not be subject to criticism in polite society. In the lands of free speech only a narrow bandwidth of social opinions may in practice be populated.”

Sh. Abdalhakim Murad continues by giving examples of the decline of the traditional family life, how almost half of British children, for example, are now born outside wedlock and 42% of adults suffer the heartbreak of divorce, with a much higher percentage of splits among cohabitors, for example. After that he says, “Few doubt the practical catastrophes which ensue: children are nine times more likely to commit crimes if they are from broken homes, while men and women are known to suffer deep psychological harm from parental divorce even in middle life or old age. Religious leaders lament that in a rapidly-changing world where the family haven has never been more needed by children and adults alike, it should have been wrecked by that mother of all sins: selfishness. Nobody likes making a sacrifice: bowing at the idol of personal freedom we are all shouting for our rights and chafing under our duties.” 

11:40
Just as modern paradigms have separated themes that in Islam are tightly knit together (sex, reproduction and marriage), it has merged themes together that in Islam are separate, and these are desires, behaviors and identity. In Islam, having particular desires (e.g., sexual attractions to the same sex) does not automatically lead to, let alone justify, particular behaviors (i.e. acting upon these desires), and that certainly does not mean making that an identity (i.e., I am gay or lesbian). However, the modern paradigm has merged all these together, making us believe that the mere fact that I have these desires makes it necessary -- and morally justified -- to act upon them and associate with people who do, and makes me belong to a particular identity category and social groups that are similar in their desires, behaviors and beliefs. 

As we have spoken back in episode 5, the term homosexuality is a modern invention coined back in the late 1800s in Europe. Before then, there were no identity categories for people who engaged in same-sex sexual behaviors (which, of course, took place across history). These are all socially constructed categories anyway, and we have discussed this in detail in previous seasons. Falling into the trap of having desires = it’s OK to act upon them is morally very problematic and is not justifiable. In Islam, on the other hand, Shari’a addresses act, not desires (that are beyond one’s control). It does not categorize people on the basis of mere desires, sexual or otherwise (i.e. we don’t come to be a particular kind of person on the basis of mere desires and inclinations). Even when one acts upon his/her desires, that doesn’t place that person into a discrete identity category (e.g., someone who drinks wine may be said to be a “wine drinker” strictly in reference to his acts, but it’s not his identity. Similar to someone who commits sodomy, he commits an act but that’s not his identity. If the person does not engage in the acts, then there is nothing about them for these terms, or any other, to apply to in the first place).

The trick here is to realize that once desires, acts and identity are amalgamated together (and not separated as they are in Islam), it changes the discussion completely, where the issue becomes framed in terms of social justice. “You are rejecting my desires or actions, so you are rejecting me as a person.” We are not allowed to talk about the morality of it anymore, because sexual orientation -- and, by extension, practice and identity -- has been equated to race, for example. It has become a human rights or social justice issue.

As Sh. Abdal Hakim Murad puts it: “Given the Quran’s insistence that human beings are responsible only for actions they have voluntarily acquired, homosexuality as a disposition cannot be a sin. It does not logically follow from this, of course, that acting in accordance with such a tendency is justifiable; that would be an example of what ethicists term the “naturalistic fallacy”. Instead we are learning that just as God has given people differing physical and intellectual gifts, He tests some of us by implanting tendencies which we must struggle to overcome as part of our self-reform and discipline. Those who cannot succeed in this must be treated with understanding and compassion.”

So, in Islam, we don’t follow an identity paradigm at all when it comes to sexuality, one’s desires or actions don’t constitute who or what one is. As for desires, we’ve seen that one is not morally accountable for what one doesn’t have control over. What about actions? In the Shari’ah, we don’t separate systematically between  “homosexual” vs. “heterosexual” actions, “opposite-sex or same-sex” behaviors, but rather, between what is halal (sex between a married man and woman) and what is haram (everything else, which also includes anal intercourse or sex during menstruation within marriage). Actions are further subdivided into kaba’ir (gross enormities), like male-female zina (fornication/adultery) and male-male liwat (sodomy), vs. non-kaba’ir (e.g., all non-penetrative forbidden sexual acts, like female-female grinding (sihaq)). But again, these words are naming specific acts (some of which are same-sex by definition, such as liwat and sihaq, male-male sodomy and female-female genital “grinding”), while it is true that there is no term that means "same-sex" or "homosexual" act that, for example, would distinguish between, say, mufakhadha or oral sex between, e.g., two men vs. a man and a woman. These are all intrinsically prohibited. Furthermore, there are preludes to prohibited sexual acts, like touching, gazing, immodest dress, speech and behavior, as well as khalwa (being in a secluded, closed space alone with a non-mahram), and these are all prohibited on account of another, because they lead to that which is prohibited intrinsically.

As one brother beautifully put it, “A Muslim experiencing same-sex attractions (SSA) or gender dysphoria (GD) is Muslim regardless of their attraction, they believe in the 5 pillars of Islam, the 6 pillars of Iman, and the principles of Ihsan. They are bound to practice, as all Muslims are. They are the same in every way as another Muslim in that respect and are bound by the same limitations of not acting out on their desires whatever they may be. We are responsible for our actions, not the feelings beyond our control. How they feel does not change the immutable universal divine laws of existence. Their purpose is to ennoble themselves as beautiful spiritual beings. It is important for a Muslim experiencing SSA or GD, however, as an extra step, to seek tools that help them manage their SSA/GD, understand it, get an education about it, dissect it, or seek help to deal with it, if privacy and safety are not an issue, and positive support exists.”

18:50
A common theme among many feminist and gay liberation movements is the assertion that gender differences are socially constructed beyond the “superficial” physical differences. This has later evolved into a rejection of notions of gender and gender roles altogether, leading to blurring of gender lines and a rise of agender or gender fluid notions, many of which are gaining momentum throughout the world nowadays. But is it true that gender is a social construct, there are no differences between men and women, and one can get away with removing notions of gender altogether? We will talk about this in detail in the next season, inshaAllah, but for the purposes of this episode, it’s necessary to highlight a few important points.

Of course, we as Muslims take it for granted that there is a dichotomy between the male and the female, since our worldview is based on it. We refer to Islam as a normative framework in that regard. What does Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala say in the Qur’an? In Surat Al-Layl, Allah says, “and [by] His creation of the male and the female," (i.e. He swears by His creation of the male and the female) [Al-Layl:3]. In Surat An-Najm, He says, “And that He creates the two mates - the male and the female” [An-Najm: 45], and in Surat Aal-Imran, He subhanahu wa ta’ala asserts, “And the male is not like the female” [Aal-Imran: 36].

Of course, the male and female are spiritually equal, they both have souls and have equal possibility of developing taqwa (God-consciousness) and ending in Paradise, but there are physical and dispositional differences, and there are different rules governing each sex in our deen. That in no way means that one is superior to the other, but rather that there are inherent differences, and that’s the way Allah created us. 

In Surat Ar-Rum, Allah says, “And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought” [Ar-Rum: 21]. In addition, in the first verse of Surat An-Nisaa’, He subhanahu wa ta’ala says, “O mankind, fear your Lord, who created you from one soul and created from it its mate and dispersed from both of them many men and women” [An-Nisaa’:1]. Our natural, instinctive conscience, our authentic self, or what we call our fitrah, accepts the truth that Allah has created mankind as male and female, and our design is such that there is compatibility and balance in that regard. 

There is an obvious biological complementarity between men and women in the mutual design of their bodies and reproductive systems. Any objective, external analysis should make it clear that there is something inherently wrong in two men or two women trying to have sexual relations with each other. That clearly violates the primary purpose for which sex was created by Allah. Yes, there is the emotional aspect (mawaddatan wa rahma), and that can -- and should be -- expressed also between people of the same sex (like close and platonic friendships, which our tradition has a lot to say about - we spoke about this back in episode 20), but that obviously can’t be sexual. But when it comes to our bodies and systems, there is a purpose inherent to the body and its functions as created by God; it’s not for us to decide or assign on our own. Contrast that with the secular humanistic paradigm which sees humans as a byproduct of millions of years of natural selection, mutation and evolution, devoid of inherent meaning, and as such, we are the ultimate sovereigns over our bodies and selves, we choose what we want to do, however we want. In Islam, we observe and honor the purpose of our bodies’ sexual organs and functions, and through honoring that purpose within the allowed context, sexual acts gain their significance morally and religiously. Outside that context, they lose that significance and become immoral, and in the case of same-sex sexual acts, they quite literally do not fit and are not compatible.

In his article “Fall of the Family”, Sh. Abdalhakim Murad says, “As with its response to androphobic feminism, the traditional theological critique of homosexuality is related to the Muslim understanding of the dyadic nature of creation. Human sexuality is an incarnation of the divinely-willed polarity of the cosmos. Male and female are seen as complementary principles, and sexuality is their sacramental and fecund reconciliation. Sexual activity between members of the same sex is therefore traditionally associated with biological sterility, which, in classical Muslim moral thinking, is the sign of its metaphysical inadequacy in honouring the basic complementarity which God has used as the warp and woof of the world.”

There is also a general complementarity in disposition (khilqa) between males and females, even though contemporary Western culture tries its hardest to minimize and deny any differences between men and women beyond the most obvious physical differences, as we have shown before. While there is a range - and Islam even has room for those who depart from the general norm of their gender - there is no denying that there are certain characteristics that men tend to exhibit and that women tend to exhibit, as we have also touched upon this before, and this is as it should be. It is something to be celebrated, not denied. Men have their roles and capacities, women have their roles and capacities. Father and mothers are not interchangeable. Islam actually underlines, celebrates, and sometimes augments gender differences rather than suppress and deny them. For example, men and women have slightly different postures even in the prayer, i.e., there’s a male way of standing and a female way of standing, a male sujud and a female sujud. The same goes to other aspects of life. And this complementarity is vital in the marriage relationship and especially in the roles that mothers and fathers play vis-à-vis their children. Mothers and fathers are not interchangeable, and there is plenty of research to back this up. Again, we will explore many of these notions next season, inshaAllah.

The natural, fitri differences that Allah has placed between males and females are, in a sense, a reflection of the division of Allah’s names and attributes into attributes of jalal (majesty) and attributes of jamal (beauty). Though both sexes combine both attributes, they tend to do this to different degrees - and again, by purpose and design, in order to complement each other, not by accident. In general, men exhibit more of the jalali characteristics, while women exhibit more of the jamali characteristics. But both are equally valuable and equally necessary. And both are equally reflective of Allah’s own divine names and attributes (on the human plane, of course). This also means that as Muslims, we have every reason to value each set of attributes equally. They are different but of equal worth. God is not God with pure jalal or pure jamal. They are both in perfect harmony in Him subhanahu wa ta’ala. We are created male and female, with a variant distribution of the two kinds of attributes. In reuniting as male and female, the wholeness of the full range of human attributes is reestablished. So, in addition to the obvious physical and pretty obvious emotional compatibility, there is also this larger, more profound sense in which men and women complement and complete each other on the metaphysical level as well. 

So it is clear that there is a male:female dichotomy in Islam that spans all aspects of life (personal, social, legal and metaphysical). Biological sex and psychological gender are not systematically differentiated in Islam, as the latter is a modern concept that emerged in the late 1900’s. For example, deliberate imitation of the opposite sex is forbidden, specifically in dress and affectations, as mentioned in the hadith of the Prophet PBUH: “Allah has cursed men who (deliberately) imitate women and women who (deliberately) imitate men.” For individuals who have natural mannerisms that are associated with the opposite sex (again, natural), this does not apply here. The hadith refers to deliberate actions and choices that involve imitating the opposite sex. Of course, it’s worth noting here that a separate discussion is to be had on individuals experiencing gender dysphoria or gender identity disorder, and we will discuss this in detail in season five, inshaAllah.

Given everything presented so far, from an Islamic standpoint, it follows that the normative matter (i.e. metaphysically, morally and even statistically) involves an alignment of biological sex, gender identity and expression and one’s sexual orientation. However, nowadays we have the example of the Gingerbread Person, where gender identity, gender expression, anatomical sex and sexual orientation are each on a sliding scale and do not necessarily line up in a normative matter, and this is presented to children as the new norm, creating more and more confusion.

Of course, there are exceptions to the rule, whereby one’s gender identity does not follow their biological sex, or one’s sexual attraction is not towards the opposite sex (hence the whole point of the podcast series). However, exceptions to the rule do not undermine the rule itself, that is the normativity of the male-female gender binary, the expectation of broad conformity to the behavioral norms (i.e. dress and mannerisms) of one’s natal sex/gender within one’s cultural context, as well as the normativity of opposite sex-attraction and sexual expression within marriage between a man and a woman. We will not be apologetic about that and recraft human language and society as if all this is just a figment of our imaginations or as part of a social constructionist plot to oppress minorities, or whatever else is being promoted nowadays. 

Again, what about non-normative cases of sexual orientation or gender expression? A key Islamic principle here is that we are morally responsible only for what we have control over. Feelings, desires, struggles and so on apply here, so merely experiencing same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria does not constitute a sin, but we are still responsible for our actions, namely refraining from haram sexual behavior or haram imitation of the opposite sex. We are still responsible for lowering our gaze, not fantasizing, trying our best to keep our thoughts pure, and so on. What goes on inside our minds and hearts, to the extent that we can control them, are also relevant here. As Allah says in Surat Al-Israa’, “Indeed, the hearing, the sight and the heart - about all those [one] will be questioned” [Al-Israa’, 17:36].

30:27
It is important to realize that Allah’s Command is fundamental. Allah says, “I have not created jinn and mankind but to worship Me” [Al-Thariyat, 56]. A major part of worshipping Allah, in addition to our actual acts of worship, is to obey Allah, the One Who created us, sustains us and provides us with all our needs. Also, Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala and His Messenger PBUH alone are the legislators of what is right and wrong, permitted and prohibited. Our opinions and preferences are not part of the equation here. As Allah says in Surat Al-Ahzab, “It is not for a believing man or a believing woman, when Allah and His Messenger have decided a matter, that they should [thereafter] have any choice about their affair. And whoever disobeys Allah and His Messenger has certainly strayed into clear error” [Al-Ahzab 33:36].

Consequences do matter. Allah is wise, just and merciful, and He legislates for us what is best for us, both in this world and the Next. These are not random taboos. For a great number of Allah’s rulings, we can tell the wisdom behind them and see the maqasid of Shari’ah behind them. In addition, virtue and moral character are of paramount importance in Islam. As Allah speaks to His Prophet in Surat Al-Qalam, He says, “And indeed, you are of a great moral character” [Al-Qalam 68:4]. Also, the Prophet PBUH said, “I was sent but to perfect the noble traits of character”. In other hadiths, he said, “Every religion has a characteristic moral (khuluq), and the characteristic trait of Islam is modesty (haya)”, and in another hadith, “If you have no shame/modesty, (haya), then do as you please.”

When we look at contemporary moral and ethical discourse, Divine Command becomes irrelevant, sexual morality becomes separated from religion and therefore becomes personal and subjective. While our driving ethos as Muslims is based on servitude and submission to God, the contemporary moral discourse puts personal freedom first and foremost. While we acknowledge that Allah and His Messenger alone have the right to legislate, modern ethical frameworks focus on personal autonomy and the right to give oneself one’s own law. In addition, when the notion of “authenticity” is thrown around to fixate on one’s own self, “You do you and be you, you create yourself” with the self being the center of the entire discourse, as Muslims, we realize that we are only our true authentic selves as human beings when we have found and submitted to our Creator. Of course, we have our differences in color, languages, backgrounds, interests, professions, proclivities, etc., and this makes us who we are, but these are secondary to us being insan (human), first and foremost, objectively created by God for the purpose of worshipping Him subhanahu wa ta’ala.

As a result of this modern framework, consequences of actions become defined and judged purely from a subjective standpoint (if at all), whereas for us as Muslims, we realize and admit that Allah knows our interests better than we do, and He alone has full knowledge of all consequences. In many verses in the Qur’an, Allah addresses us saying, “And Allah knows and you do not know” [e.g. Surat Al-Baqarah:216, 232; Aal-Imran:66; and An-Nur:18]. Also, virtues and moral character become obsolete in modern terms, and sexual behavior is seen as irrelevant to one’s moral character, as long as actions are consensual, and “How dare anyone judge me or say otherwise?”, while in Islam, a guiding principle is stated in Surat Al-Shuara, “But only one who comes to Allah with a sound heart” [Al-Shuara 26:89].

As Sh. Abdalhakim Murad beautifully puts it, “the disastrous notion that individual rights take precedence over the rights of the family has resulted in degradation for both.”

These differences in paradigm are absolutely necessary to realize so that we build our Islamic framework and be clear on what it constitutes, making it more manageable to deal with in our daily lives, especially when we are living in a time and age where the opposing currents are taking control. 

Sexual norms are central to any society and moral system, because sex is a very powerful and potentially dangerous aspect of human life. It is tightly bound to reproduction and family life, otherwise society would fall apart with no regulation within a family structure. In any society, if we look across history, the family unit has always been the absolute fundamental unit of any society. In Islam, sexual norms in the Shari’a are closely tied to family and family law. The family is a central unit, and therefore sex and sexual morality are tied to that within a proper Islamic framework. Regardless if ideas or societies change, these are fundamental ideas and core concepts in our deen, they are part and parcel of our Islamic identity and what makes us Muslim. However, we are now witnessing a paradigm shift, whereby the individual is now the unit of society, particularly in Western countries, where “the self” or the individual is the frame of reference. We think of individual rights and individual freedoms, overlooking family rights and social units.

In general, if we look at the fundamental objectives (maqasid) of the Shari’a, we see that Islamic law protects six major aspects of human life: religion (deen), life (nafs), lineage/family (nasl, nasab), property (mal), intellect (‘aql) and honor (‘ird). Each of these have major crimes that are punishable by Shari’a, such as apostasy (kufr) when it comes to religion, murder when it comes to nafs, adultery/fornication when it comes to lineage/family, theft with regards to property, intoxicants when it comes to intellect and slander when it concerns honor. 

In ‘usul al fiqh, there is a rule that says, in our deen, things are permissible (mubah) by default, unless specifically prohibited. The default condition for human action is that things are permissible, unless there are direct rules to the contrary. The exception is matters of sex: “Sexual matters are forbidden (haram) by default”, unless specifically permitted. 

Keeping this in mind, we understand why sex outside marriage (zina) is strictly forbidden (haram) and constitutes a major sin (kabira). Marriage is defined to a great degree by the permissibility of sex within it and the prohibition of sex outside of it. Any act of sex outside of marriage violates the sanctity of marriage and violates its meaning, undermining the institution of the family unit and eventually of society. There is also obscuring or mixing of lineage (khalt al-ansab), not to mention the grave consequences of one’s personal virtue, moral character and standing before Allah. There is no room for notions like, “It’s my choice, I can do whatever I want, I’m not hurting anyone.” Such matters are huge deals for us as Muslims, and it’s very unfortunate that we live in times and places where such acts are considered normal and not a big deal.

As such, Islam has instated rules to minimize zina by not allowing things that lead to it in the first place. For example, physical contact between non-mahrams (i.e. a person you can potentially marry who is not a first-degree relative) is not allowed. Lowering the gaze for men and women is obligatory, as Allah orders us, “[Tell them to] lower their gaze and guard their private parts” [An-Nur:30]. Being in khalwa with a non-mahram is not allowed. Modest dress, speech and behavior for both men and women are obligatory. And so on.

Looking at things globally, we can see that what is permitted in Islam, as far as the sexual realm is concered, are sexual relations between a man and a woman bound by an Islamically valid contract of marriage (minus anal intercourse, which is categorically forbidden, as well as intercourse during menstruation). Full stop. This is the single context where sexual activity is allowed. As such, everything else becomes prohibited: sexual acts short of intercourse (e.g. kissing, undressing, oral sex, etc.), anal intercourse (even within the context of marriage), exposing one’s awra to other than one’s spouse without need (e.g. medical examination), masturbation (according to some legal schools, and we will talk about this in the next episode), as well as matters that threaten to lead to illicit relations, such as gazing, touching, khalwa, immodest speech and so on. 

40:22
Now that we have put Islamic sexual ethics and gender norms in their appropriate contexts and have made clear what is permissible and not permissible according to our Shari’ah, it would be worth addressing potential exceptions that one may think apply to us, as individuals experiencing same-sex attractions and/or gender dysphoria.

Some of us might ask, “Even if I were in khalwa with someone of the opposite sex, there is zero chance of anything occuring, even if the other party were to initiate something. However, I find myself in seclusion with members of the same sex, in which case, it can become emotionally charged for me!” The same applies to instances of sharing rooms in college dorms, retreats, camps and so on, or finding ourselves in a gym locker room where things can be triggering. Another question is, “What about body contact like shaking hands, hugging, kissing on the cheeks, and so on, with members of the same sex; acts which are culturally appropriate among members of the same sex, but to me can be problematic, particularly if the other person is attractive?” 

For all these examples, there are potentially two scenarios for each case: one in which both people have same-sex attraction and know that about each other, vs. one in which only one person has same-sex attractions, whether the other person knows about it or not (which probably does not matter anyway). With khalwa, for example, one can imagine that the first scenario could be dangerous (where both have SSA), but not the second (where only one person has SSA). 

In terms of body contact, it would probably be wise for two people who have same-sex attractions to be extra careful with long hugs or extensive body contact, but to go as far as not shaking hands as if the other person were of the opposite sex seems to go far towards crystallizing a distinct category of people to whom distinct rulings apply (which is not the case and which may lead to a strengthening of the gay identity paradigm). Take caution, but don’t overwhelm yourself.

When it comes to an individual with same-sex attractions dealing with others in general, it would be very awkward for him/her to observe rules of no contact, no khalwa, etc. with members of the same sex, since this would immediately give them away, it would make their lives unnecessarily more difficult, and it would overall threaten to undermine social cohesion. 

Rational suggestion would be for individuals with same-sex attractions to act around other members of the same sex in whatever ways are typical, while being careful not to deliberately prolong physical contact with the intention of indulging a shahwa, or even avoiding contact altogether and raising eyebrows (thus bringing unnecessary attention). If two people experience same-sex attractions and each knows about the other, then of course prudence will require them to be extra careful and take special precautions, which they could do without anyone else really having to be aware of it. If someone with same-sex attractions gets stimulated through routine handshakes, cultural kisses on the cheeks and hugs, etc., then it would be reasonable to minimize that contact as much as possible without stepping outside of social norms, and just do not worry too much about it after that, since, again, you are not responsible for something if you cannot control it. What is my red line, you might ask? The moment that shahwa or lust steps in, in which case, we need to protect ourselves. Otherwise, take it easy and don’t overwhelm yourself.

Of course, it is important to realize that these questions or concerns do not have to be permanent. As we have presented so far in the podcast, the idea is once we explore the roots of our same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria and start to resolve some of the underlying issues, those situations would eventually become less fraught. Also, getting out there and building connections and support systems are part and parcel of the healing journey, so learning to get through such situations as opposed to running away from them is absolutely crucial. Things might be difficult at the beginning, but the more you feel confident in yourself and among members of the same sex, the more these matters would no longer be daunting, inshaAllah. And that would be the goal anyway, namely to deal with our issues and eventually become more comfortable around the same gender, rather than coming up with a special set of rules (beyond those that might apply to two people experiencing same-sex attractions who know about each other) that might stigmatize the person and/or reinforce the fact that they are a separate kind of category of person. Wallahu a'alam (and Allah knows best).

Another question that follows is, “If marriage is not a viable option (whether now or in the future), what are my outlets? Is masturbation OK in this case, particularly if there is a high sex drive and the potential for a same-sex encounter might arise?” This question will be answered in detail in the next episode, inshaAllah, which discusses the topic of masturbation from its legal and physiological aspects, taking care of the nuances that apply to individuals experiencing same-sex attractions.

45:50
And with this we have come to the end of today’s episode which gave us a quick overview of Islamic sexual ethics and gender norms. Keeping in mind what we have discussed today, in the next couple of episodes, we will talk about important themes on our journeys of healing and sexual recovery, starting with the topic of masturbation. Until next time, stay safe and healthy. This has been Waheed Jensen in “A Way Beyond the Rainbow”, assalamu alaikom wa rahmatullahi ta’ala wa barakatuh.