#58 - On Porn and Sex Addictions (Part III)

This is part III of a 4-episode comprehensive series on understanding and overcoming porn and sex addictions. In this episode, we examine together the withdrawal period, potential pitfalls and mind games on the journey of healing and recovery, as well as practical tips and tools that we can use on our journey. We also talk about helpful apps, websites and support systems, how to deal with periods of difficulty, and how to disclose to people close to you, should you choose to do so.

What would I expect to happen when I choose to quit my compulsive sexual behaviors? How do I handle the withdrawal period? What are some games that my mind can play on me during this period? What are some screen control apps, website blockers, online counseling venues and other helpful resources and support groups that can help me maintain my recovery and offer me support on my journey? These and other questions are explored in this episode.

References used and resources mentioned in this episode:
- Breaking the Cycle: Free Yourself from Sex Addiction, Porn Obsession, and Shame by George Collins
- The Porn Pandemic: A Simple Guide To Understanding And Ending Pornography Addiction For Men by Andrew Ferebee
- The Easy Peasy Way to Quit Porn
- TED talk “How to Make Stress Your Friend” by Kelly McGonigal

Parental (and personal) screen control/monitoring apps: Bark, Boomerang, Clean Browsing, Net Nanny, Qustodio Parental Control, OurPact

Website blockers: Cold Turkey, Covenant Eyes, Stay Focused (Google Chrome extension, app on Google Store)

Helpful apps on the journey of sexual recovery: Fortify, Brain Buddy, Quit Masturbation Calendar, rTribe, 12-step apps

Online counseling for overcoming porn and sexual compulsive behaviors: Sexual Recovery Institute, Purify Your Gaze (Muslim organization)

Other helpful resources: Sexaholics Anonymous (SA), NoFap (main website, Reddit “NoFap” forum, Reddit "Muslim NoFap" forum), Reddit “Porn Free” forum, Reboot Nation, Muslim PMO Central Discord server

Transcript

Waheed 00:39
Assalamu alaikom wa rahmatullahi ta’ala wa barakatuh, and welcome back to “A Way Beyond the Rainbow”, this podcast series dedicated to Muslims experiencing same-sex attractions who want to live a life true to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala and Islam. I'm your host Waheed Jensen, thank you so much for joining me in today's episode. Today’s episode is part III of our series on porn and sex addictions. In the last episode, we spoke about mindfulness and conscious awareness techniques to help us deal with moments of trigger, as well as helpful tools to build on our journey of sexual recovery.

Today’s episode takes it a step further as we examine together the withdrawal period, potential pitfalls and mind games on the journey of healing and recovery, as well as practical tips and tools that we can use on our journey. We will also talk about helpful apps, websites and support systems, how to deal with periods of difficulty, and how to disclose to people close to you, should you choose to do so. Once again, the contents presented in these episodes are a synthesis of several sources including books and TED talks that I will add to the episode description so you can check them out.

I would like to start this episode with a quote by Katherine Ketcham from the book, The Only Life I Could Save, “To explain the metamorphosis that takes place in the process of recovery from addiction, we have to wait for that physiological change to occur - you can’t rush it, it will happen in its own time. Imagine trying to teach a caterpillar how to fly. The poor thing might listen, take flight lessons, watch butterflies darting around. But no matter how hard it tries, it won’t fly. Maybe we get frustrated because we know this whole day has it in him to become a butterfly. So we give him books to read, try to counsel him, scold him, punish him, threaten him, maybe even toss him up in the air and watch him flap his little legs before crashing back to earth. The miracle takes time, we must be patient. But just as it is natural and normal for caterpillars to become butterflies, So can we expect addicted individuals, given the appropriate care and compassion, to be transformed in the recovery process. The metamorphosis is nothing short of miraculous, as people who are desperately sick are restored to health and a “normal” state of being. So don’t sit around feeling sorry for yourself, be grateful that you have a disease from which you can make a full recovery.”

03:13
In the book, The Easy Peasy Way to Quit Porn, three simple points are listed for us to let go of porn addiction, and I’ve added sexual addiction in the mix since we’re on this topic:

1. Make the decision that you are never going to watch porn again or sexually act out.
2. Don’t mope or complain about it. Rejoice.
3. Understand your inner addict, the withdrawal process and potential pitfalls so you know how to go about it day by day.

And this is what we’re going to be talking about in this episode inshaAllah. Many people who say they want to quit don’t really want to quit. They know they have to, but deep down, they don’t want to. They get excited about quitting and finding something better for themselves, but they never fully commit to quitting. There’s fear or anxiety related to letting go of what’s comfortable, easy and safe. It’s a scary feeling, because there’s uncertainty and surrender. But nothing worth it comes otherwise. Set your intention right, seek help from Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, do it for His sake, and ask for His support in the process. Commit yourself fully to the recovery process, once and for all. No matter how hard it gets or how many times you may “relapse” – do not give up! Stay focused, committed and keep your eyes on the prize. 

Second point is not moping or complaining about quitting or going through withdrawal, but rather being positive and optimistic. It’s a mindset. The key to making it manageable is to be honest in your decision to quit and looking forward to being strong and independent. Never doubt or question your decision, don’t complain about it. Rejoice, be grateful and keep moving forward. Realize you can achieve it. There’s nothing different about you, and the only person who can make you watch or stop/quit is yourself. You have a choice. Also, there’s absolutely nothing positive that you’re giving up. Only harmful stuff. And you’re getting enormous positive gains in the process. You’ll enjoy the good times more and be less miserable during the more challenging times.

Once you’ve made that final decision, you’ve already achieved your objective. Rejoice in the fact, don’t sit around moping and waiting for the chemical addiction to go. Get out and enjoy life immediately. Life is marvelous, and each day will get so much better when you aren’t giving in to your addiction.

Now, how can we be realistic about choosing a particular time where we quit for real? First, identify the times or occasions when porn or acting out appears to be important to you. If you’re a busy person who uses the addiction for stress relief, pick a relatively relaxed period or a holiday to quit, so you’d be less tempted to act out. If you use porn or act out mainly during boring or relaxed periods, the opposite applies. Regardless, take the attempt seriously and make it the most important thing in your life. Know that there’s going to be a withdrawal period coming up, and anticipate any event that might lead to a relapse. We’ll talk more about this in this episode, inshaAllah. 

Occasions like work trips, big projects, a partner being out of town, alone time, etc., do not have to deter you, provided that you anticipate them in advance and do not feel that you’ll be deprived. You have a support system and techniques lined up as your lines of defense, so you will use them when the time comes. Remember your last time of watching porn and acting out, re-imagine your disappointment due to satiation, unfulfilled expectations, any bodily pains, withdrawal effects, irritability or melancholic mood, as well as all the spiritual malaise, guilty conscience due to sin, distance from God, and further alienation from one's fitra and purpose for being. Think of how superb it’ll be when you allow yourself to stop all of this and be liberated from it. Whatever you do, don’t procrastinate and say, “Not now, I’ll quit later.” That’s Shaytan and your low nafs whispering. Plus, you never know if you’ll live to see later. Do it now!

Whether it’s stress, social obligations, concentration issues, boredom or alone time, once you’ve proven to yourself that you can cope with and enjoy life in the worst situations, every other matter is going to be rather enjoyable. We’re never going to have stress-free lives, there’s always going to be something going on. If we’re going to wait until all stress goes away, we’ll never quit. It’s all in the mindset of how we deal with stress. A brilliant TED talk that tackles this theme in particular is called “How to Make Stress Your Friend” by Kelly McGonigal. I will add a link to it in the episode description, so make sure to check it out when you can.

A common question is, “Should I quit cold turkey or gradually reduce consumption?” Some books and resources tell you it’s difficult to quit cold turkey and the withdrawal effects will be hard, there will be many relapses and you’ll feel like giving up eventually. And so they recommend long-term, sustainable plans where you reduce the amount of time you consume porn or sexually act out over time until you stop altogether. While this might work for some, the chances of failure are very high. The reason for this is that you’re only extending the withdrawal period and feeding the inner addict in the process. There’s also an anticipation of reward, which fuels the misconception that porn or masturbation are in and of themselves rewarding and enjoyable, rather than realizing they’re pacifying the dopamine cravings. We think we’re going to reduce our desire with time, forgetting that the nature of addiction is to want more and more, not less and less, with time. Plus, this method requires a lot of patience, willpower and self-discipline, which many people struggle with anyway.

A common example given is, imagine (God forbid) someone close to you is sick and you’re there to take care of them, or someone close to you dies and you go through a period of mourning. Many people would go for days or even weeks without entertaining porn use or sexually acting out, and it doesn’t bother them. So there’s an important aspect that has to do with one’s focus and mindset.

I’m not here to force you to go a certain way or the other, but based on personal experiences as well as the experience of many counselors, therapists and people in recovery, quitting cold turkey is a far better choice, provided you have your armor and defenses set up (meaning you have your support system ready and you’re willing to do the necessary work we described before). If you quit cold turkey and have nothing to work with to help you in the process, you’ll relapse in no time. So keep this in mind. So what is the armor and defenses that we need to set up? Let us start first by understanding the withdrawal period.

10:16
The key to making it easy to quit is to be certain that you’ll succeed in abstaining completely during the withdrawal period, inshaAllah. The combinations of factors determining how easily each individual user will quit are numerous. We all have our own characters and temperaments, different physiologies, careers and personal circumstances, different stress levels, and we have different histories of addiction and consumption patterns. As a result, the exact duration of withdrawal varies between individuals. It may take a few weeks or a few months. However, regardless of the duration, if you’re in the correct frame of mind, you’ll find it to be easy and manageable, inshaAllah.

As we already know by now, when we try to change, our mind will usually resist. At first, our inner addict or subconscious may try even harder to get us to act out. There is often what seems like no end of resistance and sabotage. Even when we realize that it’s an illusion, our addictive story will try to maintain itself. At this point, try and observe your behavior and your thoughts as they happen. We spoke about this in detail last episode and presented multiple exercises and techniques to this end. Using mindfulness and conscious awareness techniques can help in the process, inshaAllah.

You can observe your own thoughts and behaviors and train yourself to see problems as they come up. And they will come up, all day long. You won’t completely get over or remove the story of you, but you will be able to contain it. And that means that you’ll be able to say no to porn, to hook up apps, to compulsive masturbation, or to whatever it is you’ve been doing to act out sexually. You must observe yourself and take note of your behavior. When you’re living each day unaware and on auto-pilot mode, your story takes over. You automatically live the story all day long and never observe yourself. But this is your life, this is your chance to be the person you actually are, rather than an ineffectual version of you living in reaction to your history, your family’s problems, or your coping mechanisms. When you can do this, you are being more intimate with yourself. And when you are intimate with yourself, you can more easily and comfortably experience intimacy with others. You will be able to truly know how deeply rewarding an intimate connection with another human being can be.

So mindfulness and self-observation are key in handling triggers as well as dealing with the withdrawal period. Now, there’s a misunderstanding among people in general that one has to suffer for however long the withdrawal period may be. You don’t have to suffer. If you’re moping and complaining about stopping, in all probability you’ll still be moping about it after withdrawal ends. In other words, you can start now by saying, "I’m never going to use again; isn’t it marvelous and liberating?" and experience gradual changes that end in freedom without it being a daunting process. Whereas if you say, "If only I can survive these couple of weeks or months without porn or acting out," you’ll be suffering and subconsciously longing for what you’re missing. You see the difference? It lies in your attitude and vision. 

Think of it this way, your brain wants to maintain the status quo, so if you’re under the belief that you’re losing something good when quitting, you’ll obviously feel horrible. It’s impossible to force yourself to feel a certain way if your brain doesn’t believe it. This is why it’s important to go through the trouble of removing the illusion that pornography or sexually compulsive behaviors give you anything of value at all. That’s how you know you’re sacrificing nothing and are far better off abstaining and experiencing true liberation.

Now let’s talk about what withdrawal symptoms constitute. They are two main categories: 

1. Dopamine and DeltaFosB withdrawal effects (remember, we spoke about these chemicals in part I of the series) - these withdrawal effects are like an empty, insecure feeling similar to hunger that’s identified as cravings or a feeling of “I must do something.” Although the withdrawal effects of dopamine and DeltaFosB don’t cause physical pain, do not underestimate their power. Think of it this way: if you’re going without food for a day, there might be stomach rumbles and some exhaustion, but there isn’t any physical pain. Still, hunger is a powerful force and we’re likely to become very irritable when deprived of food. The same goes when our body is craving a dopamine rush, the difference being that our body needs food, not poison. With the right frame of mind, the withdrawal effects are easily overcome and disappear quickly. With abstinence, seeking support, spending our time working, studying or investing in our self-care, hobbies and talents, as well as using mindfulness exercises to deal with triggers, and on top of everything, seeking the help of Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, things will start to improve after a while, inshaAllah.

2. Psychological triggers of particular external stimuli, such as commercials, billboards, magazines, online browsing, telephone conversations, random people, and so on, as well as particular thoughts associated with them. This means particular triggers or even particular times where we feel we have to have a release, e.g., “I’m sexually aroused, so I must watch porn and release" or "I’m in bed with my laptop and I must have a porn session to feel happy." Much of this is a result of conditioning and habituation from our previous behavioral patterns.

During the withdrawal period, the trigger mechanism will operate at certain times during the day and will be amplified with visual or auditory stimuli. You’ll think about wanting to access porn and/or sexually act out. Don’t mope or complain, thinking that you’re sacrificing and “OMG, this is torture.” Shift the narrative to one of empowerment and be curious about what’s happening; and again, employ mindfulness techniques that we’ve discussed before. Use your support system, reach out, journal, change your setting and do something useful.

A common trigger is free time and boredom. If you have something to occupy your mind and time with that isn’t stressful, you can go for long periods without being bothered by the absence of the “drug.” However, when you’re bored, there’s nothing to take your mind off it, so you feed the inner addict. The truth is that porn increases boredom indirectly because orgasms make you feel lethargic, and instead of undertaking an energetic activity, users tend to prefer lounging around, bored and relieving their withdrawal pangs. Another common trigger is being alone with immediate access to stimuli. Avoiding such settings, reaching out to others and changing your setting would be helpful in dealing with this.

At times, your inner addict during withdrawal will try to make you miserable. At times, you’ll be caught off guard. You might stumble upon something online or be watching a movie and something triggering comes up, and you’d forget that you’ve stopped, and dopamine cravings kick in. Maybe you’re taking public transport or have a work meeting and someone attractive shows up and you’re suddenly fantasizing. Be prepared for these tricks in advance. Whatever the temptation, get it into your mind that it’s only there because of the inner addict. Every time you resist the temptation, you’ve dealt another moral blow in the battle. When you catch yourself in these off-guard moments, breathe, recite a prayer, observe your thoughts and practice mindfulness immediately. The moment will dissipate on its own, inshaAllah.

18:30
Now let’s talk about a couple of common mind games and pitfalls along the journey of sexual recovery. One common thought goes as follows: “I’m afraid of what withdrawal from porn, masturbation or sex will do to me. There’s a lot of uncertainty and insecurity, life wouldn’t be the same anymore.” And this feeling is understandable. But here’s the thing - this thinking is part of resistance. The more you resist, the more these thoughts consume you. Instead, accept and let things be, and see how that really transforms your life. Whether the withdrawal effects are due to actual dopamine withdrawal symptoms or trigger/cue mechanisms, acknowledge it, accept it, let it be and let it go. The physical pain is non-existent, and with the right frame of mind it won’t be a problem. Don’t worry about withdrawal; the feeling itself isn’t bad. It’s the association with wanting something and then feeling denied that’s the problem. Instead of mentally suffering or complaining about it, acknowledge it and rationalize it. "I know what this is; it’s the withdrawal from porn and/or sexually acting out. That’s what users experience their entire lives and what keeps them addicts. I’m on a path of healing and recovery now. It’s amazing that I’m finally going to purge all this from my brain!”

Another common thought is, “I’m trying to forget about porn, masturbation or sex but it’s not working.” Again, this is a resistance mentality, plus a mentality of avoidance, and it doesn’t work. Whatever you do, don’t try to forget about porn, masturbation or sex. This is one of the things that causes a depressive mood. Some people try and get through each day hoping that eventually they’ll just forget about it. It’s like not being able to sleep at night: the more you worry about it, the harder it becomes. If you try to avoid something and try not to think about it, your mind will end up thinking about it. So take it easy. Even if it crosses your mind, let it be; it’ll go away. I also recommend mindfulness techniques we covered in the previous episode and earlier on this season to help you through this as well. The point being that you have no need to forget, nothing bad is happening. Something marvelous is happening. Even if you’re thinking about it a thousand times a day, savor each moment, remind yourself of how marvelous it is to be free again. Remind yourself of the sheer joy of not having to torture yourself anymore. Even if thinking about your previous habits entices you or gives you pleasure, remember that what you’re seeking here in terms of recovery and healing is much more rewarding on countless levels, and that you’re ultimately worth it.

“Maybe I made the wrong decision to quit, or maybe it’s the wrong time.” Whatever you do, don’t doubt your decision. Once you start to doubt, you’ll start to mope and it’ll get worse. Instead, use that moment of moping and convert it into a boost. If you’re feeling depressed and are doubting yourself, remind yourself that that’s what the porn/acting out was doing to you. If you’re forwarded a link or media by a friend, take pride in saying, "I’m happy to say I don’t need that anymore." Remember, you have incredibly powerful reasons for stopping in the first place. Remind yourself of the costs and ask yourself if you really want to risk the malfunction of your body, mind and spirit, and affect your relationship with Allah and your deen, as well as your relationships with others in your life. Be mindful of the little addict’s efforts to minimize the hazards, and above all, remember that the feeling is only temporary; each moment is a moment closer to your goal, inshaAllah.

Another common fear is: “It seems I’ll have to spend the rest of my life reversing ’automatic triggers.’ I’ll have to go through life kidding myself that I don’t need porn or sexually acting out through the use of psychology.” This isn’t correct. Remember, the optimist sees the bottle as half full and the pessimist sees it as half empty. In the case of pornography, the bottle is empty and the user sees it as full. There are no advantages to using internet porn. It’s the user who has been brainwashed. You don’t need it. Once you start telling yourself that you don’t need to orgasm using porn, in a very short time you won’t even need to say it, seeing the beautiful truth yourself. Same goes for sexually acting out - once you’re in the driver’s seat, you’ll see it for what it is, and you’ll get the hang of whatever triggers come your way as you learn what works for you, inshaAllah. Plus, what might be challenging is the first period after quitting. It’s not long-term or forever.

Another common saying is, “But I’m not hurting anyone else” – Well, first of all, you’re hurting yourself, and that’s not OK to begin with. We’ve been talking in detail about the physiological, psychological, emotional and spiritual damage that all this involves, not to mention relationship and financial problems if they exist, among others. Plus, you may think you’re not hurting anyone else. Besides your behavior having a negative impact on you, it can also negatively impact those around you, whether you realize this or not. Regardless of the specifics, the person living with you may very well know that you’re up to something. Similar to an alcoholic who believes no one can tell that he/she has been drinking, you may think you can objectify others, surf porn constantly or hook up every now and then without anyone noticing. Keep this in mind, you are hurting at least one person, and that person is you.

“Watching porn is the lesser of two evils (the other being fornication, adultery or sodomy).” Remember the effects on the brain that we spoke about earlier in part I: whether you’re having real or virtual sex, the brain interprets the messages and reacts in the same way. Yes, you may not be going out and having sex, but you’re still engaging in a haram act. Watching porn (if that’s the only thing happening) is still considered zina of the eyes, which is prohibited. You’re also consuming other people’s zina and sickness for your own pleasure and release. Not to mention all the negative physical, mental and spiritual repercussions of porn itself. Even porn actors themselves suffer from trauma and mental health issues, they’re also addicted to the same things others are addicted to. And so on and so forth. Let’s call it for what it is: we’re pleasing the ego - it’s all about me, myself and I. What I want at that moment. Self-indulgence. That’s the reality, right? The whole thing is a disaster. If you think it’s the lesser of two evils, imagine yourself standing on the Day of Judgment in front of Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, seeing your life running before your eyes in front of Him. Don’t let Shaytan, your nafs or any human being trick you into believing this is the lesser of two evils. Sometimes it’s way worse.

“Just one small peek!” or “Just one last time!” There’s no such thing. This is the nafs craving or the Shaytan whispering, and it’s a trap. If you give in once, you’ll restart the dopamine pathways, and this will gravely affect you physically, mentally and emotionally. Don’t. And if you end up having that one peek, you might be thinking, "Good, that wasn’t entirely all that enjoyable. I’m losing the urge and am not that into it anymore," or maybe you did it just to prove to yourself that you’re no longer hooked. Beware of this becoming a new habit in and of itself. Remember, we’re not talking about orgasm here, but rather feeding that inner addict and reigniting those dopamine pathways. Avoid that. Just think, after being starved for days or weeks, how precious that one peek must have been to the inner addict. Your conscious mind is unaware, but the fix your body received is communicated to your subconscious and all your efforts and preparation will be undermined. The inner addict’s voice is kept alive, and when you’ve had a “last peek” or “last time” moment, it’ll be easier to have the next one. Above all, remember: ‘Just one peek’ is how people get into the addiction in the first place, right? Get it firmly in your mind that there’s no such thing as ‘just one peek.’ It’s a chain reaction that will last unless it’s broken. Get into the habit of never seeing the ‘no big deal’ session, it’s a fantasy. Whenever you think about porn or sexually acting out, think of being trapped and having to deal with all the mental and physical pains. When you get this “just one more peek” or “one last time” impulse, practice mindfulness techniques we spoke about earlier. Reach out for support. Separate yourself from the voices. Don’t give in. You’re stronger than you think. And if you end up giving in, get back up, make tawbah, and keep going forward with your recovery journey. We learn in the process.

Another common statement: “I’m on YouTube, Instagram, etc., and even though I’m looking at bodies, I’m not watching porn.” Remember, the thrill is in the act of seeking, and the inner addict doesn’t care where its fix comes from. For many people, the “soft” content received through social media feeds gives them fleeting relief of their withdrawal symptoms, keeping them hooked and waiting for their next session. After a while, this will no longer satisfy – recall the issue with desensitization and lack of novelty that the mind will eventually seek. Sooner or later, this will not be good enough, and people find themselves slipping back into porn. Cut it from its source rather than pacifying those dopamine pathways with whatever “soft” content you’re seeing on social media.

"Porn is for my private alter ego side while real life romance is for my relationship side." In other words, compartmentalizing, kind of like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde approach. And this is very unrealistic. Remember the dopamine and DeltaFosB pathways, the neurological changes and tolerance, seeking novelty with time, etc., all these are going to overrun real life intimate relationships, making them less desirable. Mr. Hyde is definitely going to overrule Dr. Jekyll’s instructions. You’re not two different people, you’re one person with the same mind. You can’t compartmentalize. If you have this mentality, let it go. It’ll only backfire with time.

“It helps me deal with anxiety, especially before a big presentation, appointment, gathering or commitment. I really can’t let that go.” Most users think that porn helps to relax them, but in reality, it doesn’t. It is momentary relief brought by chemicals in the brain, followed by withdrawal, shame and self-blame. We’re not solving anything. Plus, there’s always this frantic search to get the fix online and being stressed about crossing red lines, this doesn’t sound like a very relaxing activity anyway. Now think about it: what are you trying to do in this process? You’re trying to calm down the anxiety or tough emotions by numbing them, right? Doing that, whether through porn, sex or substances, will only make the problem worse in the long run. Tiring yourself out mentally and physically with orgasm isn’t going to help. You’re not dealing with the main problem; you’re only covering it. Plus, a little bit of healthy anxiety or stress can actually keep you focused and engaged. So seek help if you’re dealing with anxiety and impulse control, try and avoid the numbing behaviors. And remember, when you quit the sexually compulsive behaviors, you will experience a return of your confidence and courage, you’ll notice more free time that you can use positively, more energy and enthusiasm, better spiritual and social connectivity, freedom from mental chains, and no longer having those shame patterns and self-deprecation associated with addiction and relapse.

"I can’t concentrate, I’m getting irritable and bad tempered, I can’t even do my job or study properly." Masturbation and sex don’t help concentration. When you’re trying to concentrate, you automatically try to avoid distractions. Concentration is also adversely affected due to dopamine receptors being reduced because of natural tolerance to the large surges, reducing the benefit of smaller dopamine boosts from natural de-stressors. Your concentration and inspiration will be greatly boosted as this process is reduced. For many, it’s the concentration aspect that prevents them from carrying through; they could put up with the irritability and bad temper, but the failure to concentrate on something difficult once their crutch is removed is challenging for many people. This mainly happens during the withdrawal phase. The moment you stop using, everything that goes wrong is blamed on the reason you stopped. Now when you have a mental block, instead of just getting on with it, you begin to say, "If only I could check those websites now, it would solve all my problems.' You then begin to question your decision to quit and escape from the addiction. If you believe that porn, masturbation or sex is a genuine aid to concentration, worrying about it will guarantee that you won’t be able to concentrate. Some recommendations to overcome this include mindfulness activities like the ones we spoke about before, getting enough sleep and healthy nutrition, engaging in physical exercise, and getting fresh air or engaging in an enjoyable activity to take your mind off of the lack of concentration. Also, realize that this issue, if it occurs anyway, is temporary, and the rewards you will experience are long lasting, inshaAllah.

"When will the inner addict disappear? How long will this take? I can’t feel the difference!" Shift your perspective from thinking about the future and instead focus on the present moment. Practice the different exercises and techniques we discussed before, particularly dialoguing with your inner addict and journaling about your experience. Focus on the journey and not the destination. And try not to compare your journey to other people’s journeys. No matter how long it takes, you’re trying your best. Keep moving forward, and don’t give up. Worrying about the past or future won’t get you anywhere. Be in the here and now, be grateful, be present, and focus on what you can do. Things can be difficult, especially during the withdrawal phase. Seek help in Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, and seek help through your support system. You’re not alone in this.

“I’m counting days of sobriety from porn/masturbation/sex.” Various popular online communities or support systems operate on the basis of counting days and celebrating milestones. “I’ve been ‘sober’ for 4 weeks now,” and so on. This might work for some people and keeps things in check for them, and that’s wonderful. If it works for you and doesn’t add pressure, then God bless. However, some people find it adds pressure and expectations, and it makes any slip way more shameful and challenging to bounce back from. Sometimes even when one person has a slip, others will feel demoralized and it becomes like a domino effect. I wouldn’t say this approach is right or wrong; it depends on you. So you choose whatever works for you.

"Should I avoid stressful or social occasions during the withdrawal period?" In the case of stressful situations, yes. There’s no sense in putting undue pressure on yourself. Don’t take on extra projects or commitments as you’re in the withdrawal period, trying to readjust and maintain your recovery. In the case of social and fun events, the advice is the reverse. Go out and enjoy yourself straight away, it’ll quickly prove to you the beautiful truth that life is so much better without these pressures. Whatever works for you, you know yourself. And if anything comes up and you get triggered, again, seek help from Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala and from your support system. 

And lastly, my favorite: “I can quit whenever I want to.” I’ve heard this countless times from people addicted to smoking, porn, masturbation and sex. It doesn’t take brains to realize this is sheer denial. I’ll just quote Mark Twain here who said, “Quitting smoking is easy, I’ve done it hundreds of times.”

35:56
Now let’s talk about some tips, recommendations and must-dos when it comes to sexual recovery.

First and foremost, quit people, places and things. Yes, that may be a difficult choice for many, but it’s a must. Otherwise, you’ll keep falling back. People who lead you astray need to be cut out. You can be clear with people in your life that you’re committing yourself to sobriety and recovery. For those who want to support you, they’re welcome. For those who don’t like it, simply goodbye! Don’t waste your life chasing after people’s approval. It’s your life. You get only one chance in this dunya. As for places and things, commit yourself to not going to the places or sources that make it easy to slip. Throw out all physical material that you have related to this issue. If you own any porn files, DVDs, external hard drives, sex toys or whatever else, get rid of all of it. Remove any hook-up apps you may have, delete any accounts and cancel memberships on websites or online services related to porn, webcam sex, and so on. This might be hard to do for some, but it’s necessary. Save your money and time. It’s better to spend this instead on healthier foods, books and education, a gym membership, or a personal trainer or life coach. 

There are many tools available to assist in overcoming addiction to pornography, dating apps, or any other online activity we may associate with sex. There are many options, so pick whatever you find most appropriate for you if you need to. For example, there is an option to log into the web account for your internet provider, if you have access to this, or to contact your internet provider and see if you can switch on an adult filter which can help you block specific websites. There are also parental apps like Norton Family which are used to monitor children’s online activity, but if you can provide the login details to someone you trust, you can add in accountability to help you with this. Other options include Bark, Boomerang, Cold Turkey, Clean Browsing, Net Nanny and Qustodio Parental Control, among many other apps and softwares. Explore these and other options, and see what works for you.

 I’ve asked friends to send me other recommendations that have really helped them personally, and I’m going to share three other apps/software that can help you as well. First off, there’s “Covenant Eyes”. This system works through VPN filtering with varying levels of filtering available. You can also white- or blacklist specific websites. On top of website blocking/filtering, it will also screenshot your device screen many times per hour and use artificial intelligence to detect any explicit material. You can use Covenant Eyes alone or ideally add one or two accountability partner(s) who can receive daily reports. The good thing about Covenant Eyes is that it works on Windows and Mac computers, Android and Apple phones. Of course, there’s a monthly payment involved, but it’s affordable and worth the money for the people who have benefited from it.

“Stay Focused” is another app, which works on Android and has a Google Chrome extension as well. The paid version is a $14 only one-time payment, and that’s what’s recommended here, where you can block websites, keywords, and particular apps. You can even block access to settings. There are varying levels of strictness, and you can also block apps or phone access for a period of time, to the point that it can be impossible to override. One very helpful option is to block apps and websites, lock them and generate a QR code which you can send to trusted people. The QR code is the key to whatever you have locked, so the only way to unlock it is to use the QR code. Normally, one would send the QR code to 2-3 trusted individuals. You would then delete the QR code from your phone, and the only way you can change any settings is by referring back to your accountability partner(s), who can make sure that, if needed, the QR code is used temporarily for safe purposes, and you will delete it again. So for example, let’s say someone wants to block Grindr completely. He would download the app, block it using Stay Focused, lock the settings and generate the QR code, send the code to a friend, delete the code, and then delete Grindr. If he tries to download Grindr again in the future, it won’t open.

Finally, “Ourpact” is a parental control app that can be used on Apple and Android devices, including tablets. It allows web blocking, app blocking, and screen time control. It can even block the app store itself. It can be useful to set up an account, then hand over the login info to a friend so they can change the password on their own.

You can also use multiple apps and software, so that they back each other up and compensate in case of deficiency. The more lines of defense, particularly at initial stages, the better. Of course, it takes trial and error as well as experience to know what your hidden bottles are, so it’s recommended to do a little too much initially than too little, as the mind can be very imaginative when an urge is severe. I’ll add links to all these apps in the episode description so you can check them out inshaAllah.

As for your own personal monitoring and progress, there are lots of helpful phone apps out there that can help you with this. A top choice is the app “Fortify” (joinfortify.com), which provides science-based practical training and learning exercises, support through connecting to others on the same journey, tracking your progress as well as emotional and behavioral patterns, giving you insights into your good days and challenging ones, as well as access to personal journaling, mindful practices, digital coaching and reaching out for help in times of distress. Another app is called “Brain Buddy,” which includes exercises to help you rewire your brain from the effects of sex and porn addiction, as well as personal challenges, daily progress tracking, communal support and more. Other apps include “Quit Masturbation Calendar” and “rTribe,” as well as 12-step apps that can help you in different ways.

So that’s as far as quitting people, places and things. Another important aspect is to find a professional therapist trained in the treatment of addictions and sexual disorders. If you can find someone in your community, that would be excellent. If not, there are many resources online that can help you with that. One example is the “Sexual Recovery Institute”, which offers specialized treatment for intimacy disorders, infidelity, porn and sex addiction. Another brilliant Islam- and Muslim-oriented resource is “Purify Your Gaze,” where Muslim therapists and professionals have set up a comprehensive behavioral change system that brings together tools, peer support, education, and personalized professional care to help people struggling with pornography and sex addiction achieve long-term, lasting change and build their new life in recovery. It’s all under one web-based platform that you can easily and anonymously access at your fingertips.

Time and time again in this podcast, we’ve repeated the notion that “you can’t do this alone, and you don’t have to, either.” Particularly with recovery from sexually compulsive behaviors, it’s very difficult to do this alone. And you don’t have to. Other than professional help, we need peer support from friends, family or fellow men and women on the same path of recovery and healing. Try to find a couple of trusted people in your life with whom you talk on a regular basis. It’s going to involve a level of vulnerability from your side for sure, but it’s necessary. If that is not an option for you, you can join a support group of people committed to the same goals and with whom you can be open and honest. Examples of such groups include 12-step programs like “Sexaholics Anonymous” that we’ve talked about back in episode 30. Some of the apps that I’ve mentioned earlier, like Fortify, Brain Buddy and 12-step apps, include support systems and people you can reach out to when needed. There are many online communities that people find very helpful, like “NoFap,” the Reddit “NoFap” forum, and the Reddit “Porn Free” forum, as well as “Reboot Nation”. There’s also a Discord server called “Muslim PMO Central” that many people find helpful as well. Again, links to all these services are in the episode description, so make sure to check them out. 

Bottom line is, you need support in your life. It can be a few people, a support group, or both. Remember what we said before: the opposite of addiction is connection - so reach out. Many people struggling with addictions don’t stay connected with others. They go through the motions at their jobs, their hobbies, and their relationships. If you can cultivate at least one honest connection, you’ll find that it’s easier to stay connected to others in general, as well as to yourself. Sometimes just joking about being triggered and sharing that with your friend, or even your significant other, if appropriate, can be enough to shift what happens inside you.

Ask trusted individuals to be your accountability partners, where they check in with you every now and then and see how you’re doing with your recovery process, and you can check in with them when triggered or find it necessary to talk and seek help. The reason accountability is important is that your mind will try to trick you into looking at porn, engaging in webcam sex, visiting a massage parlor, going out for a random hook-up, or whatever it is you did before to act out sexually. Being accountable to others will help keep you in line with your commitment and values. Knowing that you’re accountable for your actions, that you may have to admit how well or poorly you’re doing can help short-circuit the actions that usually follow your unhelpful and triggering thoughts.

If having an accountability partner is not an option, you can join 12-step programs like “Sexaholics Anonymous” and try to find a potential sponsor who would then act as your accountability partner, or even other fellow members from your SA circles as well. You can even help each other out; it doesn’t have to be one-sided. 

So, we’ve quit people, places and things, we’ve sought therapy and counseling options, as well as set up support systems and accountability partners. Another important aspect is spirituality. Having a connection with Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, making du‘as, maintaining your prayers and seeking His help throughout are fundamental to one’s journey of recovery and healing. Make sure you invest in that and patch up any areas that you feel need to be fixed. Also, remember the bio-psycho-social-spiritual model of healing we’ve spoken about in episode 46 on healing complex trauma. Healing and recovery entails healing our bodies and minds, and focusing on building ourselves socially and spiritually. So keep that in mind.

Another very important practical tip is, don’t bring your smartphone, tablet or laptop into bed. Ever. Just as they say that someone recovering from alcohol abuse shouldn’t be found in a bar, a porn addict shouldn’t be in an isolated dark room with a computer, tablet, or smartphone. If you have access to it, sometimes at night when the lights are off, you can get these withdrawals and have a sudden and uncontrollable urge to access porn or masturbate at night. Keep all electronics in another room. This will also help you get better sleep. Also, work in public more. Maybe after work go to a trendy local coffee shop to surf the web instead of going home alone, where being alone may trigger you to watch porn. I know it’s more work, but if that’s what it takes to make this happen for you, then it’s worth it. Plus, it will make you more social by getting you out of your house and into the real world. If you live with family or flat mates, a good idea is to access your electronics in a common room where others are present and not in privacy in your own bedroom. 

Whenever you have a sudden urge to watch porn, get away from your computer or smartphone and stand up and take three deep breaths. Make some thikr. Come back to the present moment and regain control of the urge. With each breath, notice the urge slowly fading away and channel this sexual energy into something productive. Practice the previous exercises we talked about in the previous episode and use the SOS meditation if you like.

Know your triggers. We’ve spoken about this in detail in the previous episode – what can be done in terms of maintenance work to demystify your triggers, as well as what can be done when you’re triggered all of a sudden and the urge is strong. When you feel yourself wanting to watch porn or act out, stop immediately what you are doing and admit to yourself that you have entered a danger zone. If you are on your computer, then get up and walk away from the computer – get some fresh air, do some push-ups, and start doing something else right away such as a small activity to end those thoughts. Remember the mindfulness techniques we spoke about in the previous episode, as well as the meditation audio I posted. You may find it helpful to play that meditation when you’re triggered so you can de-stress immediately. Remember Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala and ask Him for help. Maybe make wudu’ and pray, it helps a lot of us. Calm yourself physiologically and emotionally by taking five deep heavy breaths. And if you need to reach out for support, do it as quickly as possible. Always reaffirm your commitment to your recovery and that you will make it through the day, inshaAllah.

And celebrate the moments when you do pull away from a downward spiral, and treat yourself to something you enjoy. This trains you to stop when you feel like you’re about to watch porn. Just admitting that you have a problem and you want to improve makes you strong and courageous. This is taking responsibility for your life and pushing you closer to becoming the man or woman you truly want to be. Enjoy the process, seek inspiration and spread positivity around you. For example, around the house, display inspirational photos of family, fun events, and you having fun with friends, inspirational quotes or pictures, funny photos, whatever you like. Give yourself a reason other than yourself for why you’re doing this. That should give you constant reminders about who you love, what you’re inspired by, and what motivates you in this life. As Henry David Throreau said, “If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.” 

Go out and explore life. A critical factor that will dictate your success at quitting porn use or sexually acting out is your ability to get away from your screen and habits and into the real world. If you spend a lot of time on a computer or at home alone, then chances are you will easily succumb to the desires of porn again. Go out and have a real, genuine social life rather than having a digital life filled with social media and porn.

Embark into the real world and explore more of life. What were the hobbies and passions you used to enjoy or would like to start? Go to coffee shops and read books, walk through parks. Maybe you like hiking or runs, gyms, martial arts, yoga classes, farmers markets, toastmasters speaking clubs, comedy clubs, improv clubs, whatever it is. Learn to play a musical instrument, dance, visit art galleries or nearby historical landmarks, go to the beach, try different types of cuisines, maybe sign up for cooking classes, travel – well, you get the idea: go do things outside in the real world more often. Join meetup.com and add many different interest groups to your account and make it an effort to join at least 1 or 2 meetups per week. Become the interesting, well-rounded type of grounded man or woman that you’ve always wanted to become. 

Also, identify what matters most to you: What are the top 5 things that matter most to me in my life? What personal goals do I want to achieve? What are the values I believe and want to uphold? Who are the most important people to me in my life, and how do I want to treat them? What personal traits do I want to convey to others? How would I like to contribute to the lives of people I care about? How would I like to contribute to my community and society? There’s so much you can learn and give back to the community. Point is, the more you let go of the shackles of addiction, the more time you will have to focus on what matters, and you’ll have the energy, enthusiasm and right mindset to embark on all these things, inshaAllah.

One technique that I read about and found helpful as we embark on a journey of sobriety and recovery is asking ourselves “How good can I stand it?” For one week, at least ten times a day (make sure you count), ask yourself, “How good can I stand it?” Meaning, how good can you stand it without reverting to porn or sexually acting out? By practicing this technique, you will actually improve each day. Just by asking how good it can be, you’ll be ensuring that you’ll have a better day and a better week. This question isn’t something your mind is used to hearing, and the question itself is the answer, since by asking the question you’re actually creating more “good” things in your life. 

After you’ve asked yourself, “How good can I stand it?” ask yourself, “What’s always true?” also ten times a day. Remember, we spoke about “what’s always true?” in the previous episode. Do this for a week, and don’t forget. Keep a note with that question on it in your bedroom, your kitchen, your car, and even in your pocket to remind you. If you actually want change, this is what to do. This practice is very effective and has helped countless individuals. Asking these questions can gradually tear down your barriers to change. These questions can help break down your story. You can eventually discover who you really are, what you want to do, which people you want to be with, and possibly even how much money you want to make. It’s up to you, and it can start now.

54:57
A common question asked within recovery circles, particularly Muslim ones, is: should we involve immediate family members, such as spouses (if we have one)? The answer is, it depends. Ideally, you’d want to be honest and have no room for secrecy or judgment, but that’s not always possible, particularly if the spouse will take it badly, will not understand, or will use it against you, or might even dissolve the entire marriage. There is a difference between porn addiction alone, porn and masturbation, and then physical infidelity and hooking up with strangers. You can rely on your support system, accountability partners and therapist/counselor instead of disclosing in this case. However, if you believe your spouse or immediate family are emotionally mature and can indeed be an asset in your recovery journey, I’d suggest you pray istikharah, make du‘as for support, consult with your therapist/counselor/sponsor, and gently open up the topic, if you choose to do so.

An effective method of disclosing is to put things in context: explain the background to your story. Talk about your past turmoils and traumas, as that lays the ground for what is to come. Explain that all this pain led to searching for numbing behaviors and an escape, and instead of relying on substances, you found yourself drawn to porn, for example. Discuss the negative effects it’s had on your life, in addition to all the shame and pain that further compounded things. Then, explain how you’ve decided to change your life, been seeing counselors and therapists, joined a support system, started reading books and are committed to sobriety and sexual recovery. You are committed to turning your life around, and you are telling this to the other person with the hopes that they will not judge you, but rather embrace you and support you in your journey.

If the other person reciprocates, it could bring you closer. But don’t pressure them. If they reciprocate, they also need to avoid shaming and blaming. However, they don’t have to say a word. This exercise is about you being honest with people who are close to you. If you are open and honest, the other person is more likely to respond with loving kindness. If you are vulnerable, you invite vulnerability. But again, you have to consider the other person’s context, emotional and intellectual maturity, and their own baggage and preconceived notions, among other things. 

You can tell your loved one the truth, but you don’t need to go into detail. Sometimes, hearing the details can result in unnecessary damage. It’s best to explain in a truthful way that you’re going through a learning process. You are sorry for what you have done, and you’re glad you are not doing it anymore. You have really appreciated their support and, before this, you didn’t know any better. But now you do.

Now, what is it that you want from them after all? You could say that, sometimes you want to be able to talk with them during the times you feel triggered, so they can help you. Explain further that talking about the experience of being triggered can help you break free of the impulses. Ask if they’re willing to help you in this way. If they are, explain that when it happens again, you’ll be letting them know. You can further reassure them (and yourself) by letting them know that sharing with them in this way can help increase the level of closeness in your relationship. You might even have a laugh about the whole thing as well.

One way of explaining your experience to your spouse is, “I just got a small trigger. I used to act on it, but I don’t anymore.” By explaining how you still get triggered even though you’ve stopped acting on it, you are taking a negative and turning it into a positive. You’re talking about how you experience the triggering process in the context of recovery rather than as a problem. Again, this can increase the level of intimacy in your relationship. Also, if your spouse realizes that you are catching your impulses rather than acting out, he/she will probably be more likely to feel comfortable talking with you about it.

At other times you may not want to talk about triggers, but rather go through your day and relate anything you were ashamed of thinking. You don’t have to restrict yourself to thoughts about sex, because sex addiction is not just about sex. It’s about self-esteem and how you view yourself and your personal stories. Letting this out in a healthy and supportive environment helps you overcome shame and self-blame.

In this case, explain to your loved one that you want to get into the habit of being completely honest with them. If you get the sense that your loved one is resistant to your honesty, be sensitive to that. Ask if they might need a therapist, counselor, imam or another third party present to help them feel more comfortable. It doesn’t matter if they don’t reciprocate or are not completely open with you. The main point of this is for you to be honest with them. Remember, being honest with them means taking responsibility for your feelings, rather than shaming and blaming. If it’s too overwhelming for them, you can ask them to be honest about where they draw the lines or limits. For example, they might say they’re comfortable with hearing about particular stresses or or pressures that may turn into triggers, so they can help you, but they wouldn’t be comfortable discussing all your thoughts and problems. And that’s fine. Again, you don’t focus on one person and dump everything on them, you have a support system, sponsor, counselor, therapist and friends with whom you can share different things at different times. That way, you can take the pressure off of certain people, since we all have different capacities at different times in life. What matters is to have open and transparent conversations to make sure you and the other person are feeling comfortable, safe and emotionally in tune, and no one is drained or feeling pressured.

Please bear in mind one last thing: if you have children, your behaviors and beliefs in all areas can have a positive or negative impact on them. If you continue to act out sexually, even if you think you’re hiding it, your children can pick up on your change in behavior, as well as your values and views on sexuality. That process could be subtle or it could be more obvious. Maybe your son or daughter will catch you going online or hear your wife screaming at you about your addiction. Remember, your children are in the process of building their own stories about life and sexuality. If you don’t want them to suffer as you have, be responsible and do not pretend that your acting-out behavior has no impact on your family, because it always does.

1:01:41
You may have sleepless nights wrestling with yourself, thinking you should do porn, masturbate, turn on that app, open that webcam, go to that club or massage parlor, or whatever. But if you persuade yourself to use the tools you’ve learned in these episodes, and use them every day, your mind can start to change. As it does, you will need to resort to old coping strategies less and you will continue to free yourself from shame, fear, and pain.

In fact, once you’ve practiced some of the techniques and exercises, your compulsive urges will never be the same. You know too much now. Maybe you slipped and looked at porn or masturbated while objectifying the hot dude or gal on TV. When this happens, it might look like you’re right back where you started—but you’re not. You have internalized this work, and it is still with you. What your mind will try to do is to get you to completely forget that you learned anything. “Don’t you remember?” your mind might say, “We had such a good time!” But you know that’s not true. It might have felt good for a moment, but then it was bad, and it was associated with all sorts of repercussions in the past.

When you start practicing a lot of the techniques we’ve discussed so far, you can stop a lot of your negative stories and be more in the now. It’s very important that you notice when you are objectifying or sexualizing. It’s also vital to stop for just a few seconds and let your essence filter those objectifying thoughts or the voice that wants you to act out. You must be more relentless than your story. Counteracting your inner addict’s voice is a positive action that can help your mind change. If you just read books or listen to this podcast without taking action, your mind won’t necessarily change. Again, you need to take positive actions. Otherwise, the inner addict in your mind will win, convincing you that this is all crap and you need to keep doing the behaviors that have gotten you nowhere.

Get it clear in your mind as well that there will be good days and there will be difficult days. “It rains for both the pope and the murderer,” as they say. Life is relative and you can’t have ups without downs. When you experience difficult days, it’s very easy to begin complaining and longing for a quick fix, further compounding the issue. If you have a difficult day during the withdrawal period, or any period really, embrace yourself and be strong, reminding yourself that difficult days existed even when you were addicted, otherwise you wouldn’t have decided to stop in the first place, right? Instead of moping about it, recognize it, and say something like: "Okay, so today’s not so good, but porn or acting out won’t cure it. Tomorrow will be better, inshaAllah, and at least I’ve got a marvellous bonus: I’ve kicked that awful addiction. I have Allah with me, I have my friends and loved ones, and I am committed to this journey of healing and recovery, inshaAllah."

Sometimes things really do get difficult and you have a slip. Or things take you by surprise, you’re overwhelmed and you slip. Or you forget and you slip. Whatever it is, you’re human. If you slip, your inner addict may tell you to just keep going: ”Since you’ve already slipped, you might as well do more.” But if you start to slip, or you do slip, that doesn’t mean you need to continue to slide. What if you were on a mountainside and you slipped? Would you give up and just keep sliding until you fall off the mountain, or would you try to get a foothold and keep climbing upward? If you slip in your recovery, you can still stop right there and just keep climbing. You might have some ground to make up, but you can do it. You have the tools. Don’t let the slip turn into a slide.

A crisis can be a gold mine. That may sound contradictory, but it’s true. For example, if you’re triggered and you successfully resist, you will less likely be triggered next time. And you will learn a lot from what triggered you and why you gave in at that particular point. We all live in worlds of chaos and unpredictable moments. When you are prepared, you can turn what could have been a slip into another positive step in your recovery.

Another important thing to take into account is, when someone slips, particularly after a long period of sobriety, this constitutes an emotionally charged and difficult moment. Shaytan would have a field day by getting you to despair of the mercy of Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala. “You are not good enough, look at you being weak and fickle, you’ll never succeed anyway. God hates you, see, you slipped! He didn’t save you! You'll never overcome this challenge. You might as well give up. You’ll never change, you’re only fooling yourself.” And more and more of this nonsense. 

A. Helwa says it beautifully in her book Secrets of Divine Love: “Do not be discouraged if you find yourself facing a problem or temptation that you thought you had already conquered. Spiritual progress follows the shape of a spiral: even when it seems like you are going back to where you started, you can actually be ascending in a deeper way. The practice of tawba is a means of spiritual course correction, in which we realign our hearts and intention toward Allah.”

What really helps me personally in a moment of relapse is to take a breath, practice mindfulness and ask myself those two questions: What does Shaytan want from me now? And what does Allah want from me now? The answer to the first question is: give up, despair, shame yourself, you’re not good enough, don’t even bother anymore. The answer to the second question is: clean up, pray, repent with sincerity, get back up and move forward. As much as my mind leans more towards Shaytan’s whisperings as it plays the same old narratives, I force myself to do what Allah wants from me in that particular moment. And that makes all the difference. We’ll tackle some more spiritual reflections that are relevant to this discussion in the next episode, inshaAllah.

1:08:08
After embarking on this journey of recovery from sexually compulsive behavior and overcoming the withdrawal phase, we will arrive at some point at a moment of clarity, or what some people call a “moment of truth.”

Your compulsions are lifted. You stop feeling the need to view porn or act out. You’re able to focus on how beautiful things are unraveling and manifesting themselves in your life. Without needing to focus on the objectification and sexualization fantasies inherent to one’s addictive behavior, one has the potential to have an authentic relationship with a real person and experience true intimacy. In addition, through our moments of stillness and moments of truth, we will be motivated to help others. You can teach what you learn, which, in turn, will help you in your own recovery journey as well. The more you’re invested in your recovery, the more marvellous this moment will be, and it lasts a lifetime, inshaAllah, provided you keep maintaining the work you’ve been doing.

“How long do we have to wait to get to that point?” you may be asking. It varies between individuals, of course, depending on our addiction histories and variables associated with that. But you can start experiencing it the moment you stop and embark on your journey of sexual recovery. The more you invest in this, the more benefits you will reap in the long run, inshaAllah. So it’s not just one “moment of truth;” it’s a journey filled with many of these moments scattered throughout.

Such moments of clarity are the perfect time to reward yourself for this accomplishment. Of course, all praises belong to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala for getting us here, so make sure you make lots of shukr and hamd, including making sadaqah (acts of charity). Next, take a few minutes to make a list of things you’ve always wanted to do, or have, or experience, as a reward for yourself. Maybe visit a certain place? Spend time with a certain person? Buy a certain thing? Do you want your relationships to be better? Do you want your career to be better? Do you want to change careers? Now that you’re starting the process of being you, you have the opportunity to be better. Maybe you can now take that trip to Europe or buy that car or whatever. If you’re not acting out and feeling bad about yourself, you will have more time, energy, and willingness to make a better life for yourself. When you’re no longer encumbered by negative thoughts, you can be more resourceful than you were before. You may just realize your dream job, start your own business, or have the time to do something beneficial for someone else. There are no guarantees of what will happen during and after you stop acting out sexually, except that your life will be different. It has to be. You are the one experiencing your life. When you change, your life changes. You will win. You will be your own hero. 

When you are in your place of stillness and you experience who you truly are, there is no addiction. There are no bad feelings in that place of inner quiet that is uniquely yours. In that space, you are at your most expansive and capable. This is when you are most truthful with yourself. Take a moment and allow yourself the opportunity to experience the clarity of your uniqueness. Doing so will enable that place inside you to provide you with ideas on how to make your life better. Take a few moments and ask yourself, “What concrete steps do I need to take to increase the chances of improving my life?” Next, consider those steps as a contract or commitment you’re making with yourself to take those steps toward a life of greater fulfillment and intimacy.

1:11:55
After covering all these complex topics in our series on overcoming sexually compulsive behavior, the last part that remains is to do your part when you’re ready and give back by helping other people in their own journeys. You may be able to do that with fellow journeyers in your support group, SA-meetings or local program at the community center or mosque. Or there may be others in your life who could possibly need help in this area. It might be a friend, relative, or colleague from work who’s struggling with this in secrecy and you suspect they might need help. Sometimes they might be brave and come to you and say, “Can I tell you something in confidence? I seem to have a problem with porn and I can’t stop.” That person is asking for help. Of course, given our communities, that rarely happens, unfortunately. You may have a friend or a colleague at work who you know is lost in sexually compulsive behavior. Because you have acted out sexually in the past, you may recognize the signs. You now know that this person is in danger of losing his family or job, or both. If it feels right, you can gently approach this person. Remember, it’s not your job to help others. However, there is no shortage of people in need of help and, if you want to learn more about your own sexually compulsive behavior, a great way to do that is by teaching others what you’ve learned.

If you do approach such a person, do not be judgmental. The fact that you’ve been able to stop your sexually compulsive behavior doesn’t give you the right to judge others. In an effort to help, you can offer your own experience. Often, the other person will instantly refuse any help and claim that he/she doesn’t have a problem. In that case, you don’t need to go further. On the other hand, if the person responds saying, “You suffered from that?” then you have an opening.

Let’s say that you know your brother-in-law is using porn and that your sister is getting ready to leave him. If you feel nervous, you could take him aside and explain that you know something about sexually compulsive behavior because you’ve gone through it (or if you don’t want to say that, you can say you’ve spoken to others about it, read about it, people dear to you have struggled with it, etc.). If you share confidence, the other person may be more likely to open up. That is the person to help. When you do have an opening, you need to be careful to tell the person only what he can handle. For example, you could ask about his history. Then you can bring up the idea of his history leading him to create sexual stories that aren’t necessarily true. If he doesn’t understand or is unwilling to hear what you’re saying, don’t try to bombard or berate him. If the person is receptive, and over the course of several conversations (not all at once), you can share the various tools and exercises we’ve talked about in these episodes and the references available as well.

It’s important to remember that you are not the person’s therapist or counselor. You are talking as a friend. Again, do not judge. Maybe you’re no longer acting out sexually and you feel proud or even arrogant about it. It does not help another person if you talk down to them. Instead, this interaction is about explaining what worked for you. If the person is open to suggestions, he will tell you. If not, you can let it go. In many cases, the person might open up, or might take some time and get back to you and be receptive later. In some cases, they will reject you. They may come around at a later date and seek help from you or from others. Or they may continue to act out and harm themselves and others. But you can’t help someone who has no interest in changing. I had to learn that the hard way.

The person who is receptive will give you cues regarding what he needs to hear next to be helpful with his particular situation, and in these episodes, we covered a lot of techniques and practical tools to help you in different situations. Whether or not the other person follows up on what you’re saying, by trying to help others, you remind yourself of what you’ve learned in the process, how far you’ve come, and what you have accomplished so far. And to that, and to everything in life, we say, alhamdulillah.

1:16:28
And with this, we have come to the end of today’s episode, which is part III in our series on porn and sex addictions. In the next episode, we will wrap up this conversation with a couple of spiritual reflections related to sexual recovery. I would like to end this episode with a beautiful quote by Ayn Rand, “Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swamps of the not-quite, the not-yet, and the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists.. it is real.. it is possible.. it's yours.” Until next time, stay safe and healthy. This has been Waheed Jensen in “A Way Beyond the Rainbow”, assalamu alaikom wa rahmatullahi ta’ala wa barakatuh.