#79 - For Parents and Families (I): On Personal Healing

This is part I of a 4-episode series dedicated to parents and family members of individuals experiencing gender nonconformity, same-sex attractions (SSA) and/or gender dysphoria (GD).

In this episode, Aadam and I read out survey responses sent by members of the online Straight Struggle community addressing parents and siblings, and we cover pertinent themes related to personal healing for parents and family members. What do men and women experiencing SSA or GD hope to get from their parents and family members? How can I, as a parent, sibling or family member of an individual with SSA or GD, navigate the "shock factor"? How can I step into their world and see things from their eyes? What does "unconditional love" mean, and can I still love them unconditionally while disagreeing with their behaviors and lifestyle choices? Why is doing my own work necessary before I help my child, sibling or family member who experiences SSA or GD? These and other relevant questions are explored in this episode.

References used in this episode:
- Gay Children, Straight Parents: A Plan for Family Healing by Richard Cohen
- A Parent's Guide To Preventing Homosexuality by Joseph Nicolosi and Linda Ames Nicolosi

International support systems for parents and family members:
- Straight Struggle support group (online, Muslim-based, international)
- Strong Support's "Parent's Support Circle" (Muslim-based, UK and international)
- Positive Approaches To Healthy Sexuality (PATHS)
- Brothers Road (US and international)
- North Star Alliance (Mormon-based, international), including Voices of Hope and Journeys of Faith
- Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays & Gays (PFOX)
- Focus on the Family, Jeff Johnston (Christian-based)
- Courage International (Christian-based)

Healing seminars and family healing sessions:
- Positive Approaches To Healthy Sexuality (PATHS)
- Mankind Project (MKP)
- Adventure into Manhood (AIM)
- Brothers Road (US and international)
- Woman Within
- COR Experience: Noble Man and Women's Immersion Weekend
- Celebration of Being - for men and for women

Transcript

Waheed  00:37
Assalamu alaikom warahmatullahi ta’ala wabaraktuh, and welcome back to “A Way Beyond the Rainbow”, this podcast series dedicated to Muslims experiencing same-sex attractions who want to live a life true to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala and Islam. I'm your host, Waheed Jensen, and thank you guys for joining me in today's episode. And with today's episode, we start a series of episodes dedicated to the wider community. We're going to be starting with the parents and family members, we have a couple of episodes addressing parents and family members of individuals who experience same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria, and we will move on to spouses as well as teachers and educators, and then Imams and community leaders. In the series addressing parents and family members, my dear friend Aadam is joining me. Assalamu alaikom warahmatullahi wabarakatuh, Aadam.

Aadam  01:25
Wa alaikom assalam warahmatullahi wabaraktuh.

Waheed  01:27
How have you been my dear friend?

Aadam  01:29
I have been good, alhamdulillah, it's nice to be back for this episode. I'm excited, because it's really important, and I think the content is really good as well. So, inshaAllah, a lot of the family members, friends, community leaders and so on will benefit, inshaAllah. 

Waheed  01:48
InshaAllah. Absolutely. We look forward to that, and we hope that happens, inshaAllah. As you guys remember, Aadam joined me a couple of times throughout the seasons. So, in season one, we talked about self-compassion, shame and vulnerability; in season two, we talked about the wisdom behind trials and tribulations, and attachments and surrender; in season four, you joined me twice -  once on the series on complex trauma and healing from complex trauma, and again on self-discipline and self-esteem; and now, Aadam is joining me in these series of episodes that are dedicated to parents and family members. 

Now, these couple of episodes that we have prepared together are dedicated to parents as well as siblings and family members of any boys or girls, young men or young women, who are struggling with same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria. We're going to be dissecting so many different topics. We will be building foundations together, talking about personal healing, relational healing, as well as practical considerations and recommendations to dealing with children as well as adolescents and young adults who experience same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria, and then we will also talk about community hearing and answer frequently-asked questions by parents and family members. We have used multiple resources, two very important books that we will add in the episode description and we encourage parents and family members to read them are Gay Children, Straight Parents by Richard Cohen, as well as A Parent's Guide to Preventing Homosexuality by Joseph Nicolosi and Linda Ames Nicolosi, as well as other references that we will add, inshaAllah, in the episode descriptions, in addition to personal experiences and reflections that we will also add in these episodes. 

Now, part one, which is today's episode, this episode is all about you – “you” being parents or family members, siblings and relatives of individuals who experience same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria. This is all about you. Now, you may think that we're going to dive right in and talk about strategies and practical tips from this first episode to help your kids or siblings or relatives, but we cannot do that without talking about you and building foundations with you. And, yes, we are going to be talking today about your own healing. So please do not disregard any of this. Please do not skip this episode; this episode is very foundational to our series, so please make sure that you listen to it, maybe re-listen to it, take notes, and do the work, the practical work that Aadam and I are going to be addressing today, inshaAllah. Whatever we discuss later in this series, it's going to be difficult if we don't really focus on the foundations that are discussed today. So, let's get started, inshaAllah.

04:44
So, last summer, on the Straight Struggle online support group, we asked our community members, so those are men and women who experience same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria, to answer a survey of questions that is directed to parents and family members, spouses, teachers and educators, and Imams and community leaders. With regards to parents and family members, we asked the community on Straight Struggle to share with us what they would like to tell their parents and caregivers if they had the chance. Aadam and I are going to be taking turns to read different responses from different members, and these responses in this episode are dedicated to parents, siblings and family members of individuals who struggle with same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria.

Aadam  05:35
So, in response to that question, one member said, “I'd wish to tell them that my attractions aren't a choice and not a habit. They are a natural, uncontrollable urge. Forcing marriage on me or blaming yourself is not the answer. Amongst the many things there is advise parents and caregivers of men and women struggling with SSA, etc., is: 1. to be loving and accepting, 2. listen and understand what we are going through, 3. provide emotional support, and 4. Allow us to be ourselves and have choices.”

Waheed  06:10
Another member said, “I would wish to tell my own parents to provide emotional support, I wish that they would have been there for me from my childhood as I have felt isolated and dumbed down, i.e during my life until now, I have felt constantly isolated, not been allowed to think for myself or not been allowed to have my own choices.”

Aadam  06:32
And another member said, “The pain, emotions and struggle that SSA causes the individual are so extensive, that they need all the empathy, support and understanding a parent can offer. It is not something that individuals suffering from SSA chooses or has control over in terms of feelings. All family members need to be at peace with this fact before any healing can happen. During teenage years and early adulthood life is when your son or daughter needs the most support from you, parents, your sons and daughters need to feel at ease to open up to you about their feelings. Letting them battle this alone is the worst thing you can do.”

Waheed  07:08
Another member said, “If there's anything you'd like to know, just ask me instead of collecting information and coming up with conclusions from sources that have nothing to do with me or my SSA.”

Aadam  07:19
And in another response, a member said, “I would like to ask them to educate themselves well before or during the marriage on how to deal with children with hypersensitivity, so that they learn first how to behave with them, and secondly, they can teach their children how to understand their emotions. I would like to tell them that I truly hope to make them happy, but I also hope they can understand my situation and support me." 

Waheed  07:41
Beautifully said. And another member said “Before we are born, we are praised by God upon all His creation. That is our essential value. Your son needs his essential value back and to be respected for his uniqueness even if it sounds “weird” for you, or contrary to traditions.”

Aadam  08:02
And another member submitted a response saying, “SSA is an attachment loss with a parent of the same sex. It is a mal-attunement, so re-attune with your son or daughter. The golden rule is: Father, step into your son's heart and engage with him mentally and spiritually. Explore his world and remove your prejudice and disgust. And mother, step back and reduce your emotional involvement or complaining about your husband or others, and reduce prejudice and disgust. Shame, guilt and disgust are the seeds of SSA. Shame is based in fear, so do not create a fear and punishment-oriented environment. Instead, create a safe environment of love and hope, and a fear that is based on respect, love, and greatness of Allah. Be humble, admit your mistakes to your son; through that, you will teach him authenticity and prevent him from avoidant behavior. Let him express his feelings of anger or rage positively. Different opinions are allowed. It's not a one-size-fits-all approach. Give time, touch – like hugs and holdings – and talk to your child and enter his world.”

Waheed  09:11
And then another response was, “Care does not mean control. Your son is a gift of God, not a property of your own selfishness. Learn more about complex trauma and SSA. Be patient, and optimistic always, and love your son unconditionally, and never lose hope from your son to change, even if he has sex with other men. Even if you see your son as mentally dead or like a wilted flower, it is never too late. Men with SSA can rise from the dead with your unconditional love but can die with your ignorance and hate.”

Aadam  09:43
In another response, a member said, “Protect your child from pro-LGBT propaganda. If you do not protect your children from these propaganda machines, your child can be very influenced in the wrong way. Do not abandon your child. If you abandon your child, you make your child at risk of being susceptible to acting upon whatever attractions exists, and they fall prey to LGBT groups who will take advantage of them.”

Waheed  10:08
Another member said, “Ensure your relatives are loved, that is of utmost importance. Be there to guide them and support them in staying true to Allah, and do not alienate them. Listen carefully to your children when they are calling out for help. Not everyone will come and say it directly, but there will be unheard pleas, and the silence is deafening. People who are struggling with SSA or GD need to know that these attractions or desires are not haram, acting on them is, so never feel ashamed of having them.”

Aadam  10:39
And another response, “And for parents and caregivers, I'd like them to know that these things are just a part of me, they don't make me any less of a human or Muslim, and that you should work on creating an environment that makes me feel safe to open up about not only this, but also about every other thing that has happened or is happening to me.”

Waheed  10:58
And another member said, “Please let those under your care realize that you love them no matter what, that they are worthy in your eyes regardless of achievements, grades and whatever mistakes they may make in their life. Please do not scoff or make negative remarks about the LGBTQ even if you don't agree with it, as this will only close them off if they ever feel inclined to identify with this group or these attractions. Even if you're certain they don't have any typical features or behaviors of someone who has same-sex attractions or is LGBTQ+, even if you feel you have a good relationship with those under your care, this doesn't mean they will talk to you about anything. It still requires that explicit verbalization and proof that you are there for them no matter what. Words are powerful, harness them. Thunder does not make plants grow, rain does. Use your words wisely and responsibly.”

Aadam  11:51
And another member said, “No matter how shocked sad, angry, disappointed, or whatever negative emotion you feel, we feel it 10x more, trust me. So have sabr (patience). There is nothing inherently wrong with having SSA, it will not disappear, and it is not a curse. It is like a test, like many other tests that we all face. What we need is your understanding, your support and your love. Most of us don't want these desires either, but it is from Allah's wisdom. Instead of getting mad or cutting us off, listen to us and support us. Believe those of us that have experiences with abuse, and help us seek the proper means to heal. Your support will do more for you and us in this life and in the Hereafter than any negative reaction ever will.”

Waheed  12:36
Another member said, “I wish they understand how difficult they make our struggle due to their misunderstandings and lack of knowledge regarding our struggle. I hope they learn more about our struggle and talk to us about it.”

Aadam  12:48
In another response, a member said, “this is not a problem for you to fix. This is the reality of another human being born and raised in an environment where, willingly or unwillingly, his closest caregivers were not able to provide emotionally and in particular instances that were critical in his/her formative developmental stages. This is not a physiological reality, rather an emotional one born out of the consequence of love not being communicated properly, of needs left unmet, of a struggle left unsaid. Divest yourself of the notion of “gay” or “lesbian” and everything else in between. These are social constructs attached to SSA to provide cultural nuance and acceptance rather than the solution to healing and making peace with this reality. This is a chance for growth. This is not about you as a parent or caregiver, protecting yourself and your ego. This is the greatest challenge of love and care that you as a parent or caregiver failed to provide, but now have the chance to do so again. Look within and search the depth of your complexes before aspiring to do so with a person with SSA. Be there without judgment. Be here with total love, and have faith in Allah, and the knowledge that all He decrees has a seedling of great wisdom which must be watered by patience, kindness and self-knowledge. That is how you help a person with SSA.”

Waheed  14:10
Subhan Allah, very beautiful. And another member said “Be open and embrace with love. It takes an incredible amount of courage for the person experiencing SSA to open up about that. The most hurtful thing is to see their loved ones turn away from them. While this may happen, we acknowledge that the only one we need is God as our Helper. So, if you've shun them, they may turn to God quicker but with a broken heart. None of this is inherently bad, for we should turn to our Lord with broken hearts for Him to make them whole again. But do you really want to be the person responsible for shattering your loved one’s heart further?”

Aadam  14:45
And another member said, “I would like to tell parents and caregivers of men and women struggling with same-sex attractions and/or gender dysphoria to, first of all, educate themselves about topics surrounding sexuality in the day and age we live in. Silence and taboos are not going to solve any problem, and if your child doesn't hear this information from you, they will hear it from, most likely, untrustworthy sources. There is no choice in this, especially in the Internet era, nobody is safe from disinformation. But starting with welcoming questions and open communication is what I think is the key.”

Waheed  15:20
And another response that we got goes as follows, “Please be very careful about the space you're creating for your child to express themselves. Experiencing non-conventional or non-heterosexual desires is not an abomination, and as much as it brings certain emotions in you, please do not make it about you. Rather, try to center your approach in accordance with what your child needs. Please do not shame them for their gender expression or their desires. Please protect them by enforcing the idea that they are enough and have always been enough, that you love them no matter what. Please be that safe haven for them, because if you don't have it within you, they will do everything to find it elsewhere. Your love is monumental, and it can heal every wound.”

Aadam  16:05
And another response we received goes as, “Parents should know that people mostly do not choose their attractions and cannot simply turn them on and off like a switch. They should know that there is a big difference between a person who has these feelings and is trying to live right in the eyes of Allah, versus someone who's trying to change the Deen, and allow what Allah has prohibited. Don't turn your kids out merely for having these feelings. They need to be loved, embraced and supported, because their struggle is not an easy one at all. Know that any person who comes to you with this issue has certainly experienced a lot of pain and has a hard life. You, as a parent, have the potential to add to that pain tremendously. But you also, as a parent, have a unique opportunity to lessen that pain. Most people with same-sex attractions are deep down really just looking for strong, pure, halal love. So be the first person to give that to them. Use their revelation to you as an opportunity to draw closer to Allah. Pray that Allah help and guide your child and keep him/her on His Deen and on the Straight Path. If your child is involved in haram actions or relationships, be patient with them, maintain ties with him/her and pray for them honestly and sincerely as you would with a child involved in any other haram behavior, like zina (fornication/adultery), not praying etc. Don't let your child manipulate you into violating Allah's command by telling you that you don't really love them if you don't accept their same-sex behaviors or relationships. At the same time, realize that they are the victims of a false social narrative that has convinced them that their sexuality is who they are, they probably have never heard of or considered a different way of thinking about things. Encourage them to explore alternative approaches, such as listening to “A Way Beyond the Rainbow” podcast.”

Waheed  17:55
Awww, that's so sweet! Subhan Allah, these are amazing responses, mashaAllah. And the second question that we asked the members was, “What would you like to tell siblings or relatives of men and women struggling with same-sex attractions and/or gender dysphoria? And what would you wish to tell your own siblings or relatives if you had the chance?”

Aadam  18:17
So one of the responses we received is, “I think that it's important for siblings to be there for us who have SSA and to be accepting, understanding and compassionate. Although my own sibling knows about my SSA, I still feel hesitant in talking to him about my struggles openly as he tends to get annoyed, uncomfortable. I'd like for him to understand that it's a test that Allah has given, and that it doesn't define me.”

Waheed  18:44
Another response was, “Similarly, your relative who has SSA needs your understanding and support and will be desperate for someone to understand what they are going through without judgment. Just be there for them to accept them and try to support them through the healing process.”

Aadam  19:00
And another member said, “That just listening and respecting my feelings alone means the world to me and can save me from doing something stupid or dangerous to myself.”

Waheed  19:08
And another said, “I wish I have a sibling that I can share with about my condition. But I'm not really that close with my siblings. So, I just wish that they would respect my decision and respect me the way I am.”

Aadam  19:20
And in another response, a member said, “Have compassion and be supportive to your brother. He needs this mutual connection and sometimes feeling respected by you and hugs. Educate yourself more about complex trauma, C-PTSD, ADD, ADHD and DID.”

Waheed  19:39
So, let's just break them down: C-PTSD is complex post-traumatic stress disorder. ADD and ADHD are attention-deficit or attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, and DID is dissociative identity disorder. 

Another member similarly said, “Protect yourself from pro-LGBT propaganda”, which is similar answer to the previous question, “If you do not protect yourself from these propaganda machines, you can be very influenced in the wrong way. Do not give in to these things, do not try to legitimize it; if you do, you are putting yourself at risk of being susceptible to acting upon whatever attraction exists, and you may fall prey to LGBT groups who will take advantage of them." 

Aadam  20:19
And another member said, “Keep being yourself around me. I value our relationship, even if it wasn't always a positive one. It's not too late for us to connect and build bridges.”

Waheed  20:29
Another said, “Relatives should not make such a big deal about this and just be understanding that they are loved and worthy, that I accept them as they are, and I'm here for them no matter what. I understand that it must be a struggle to go through what they are going through, and that it must have been difficult up until now. This wouldn't change anything between us.”

Aadam  20:50
And another said, “Please don't ostracize them or us. We are not evil, we are not monsters. We are just the same Muslims as you with our own struggles. Everyone has them, but we are all trying our best to please Allah and seek His mercy. Don't spread rumors, and don't “out” people. Maybe one day, we will cultivate a society where having SSA itself won't be a problem, as long as we are striving not to indulge upon it. For now, though, it's a very taboo subject, so it can be dangerous and even life-threatening to expose someone that is struggling with SSA. Instead, keep it to yourself if you find out. Discourage hatred towards it and be more compassionate. You have your struggles too, you are a sinner too, and you most certainly wouldn't like your struggles and sins be aired out in front of your family and community. Let’s embody the traits of the Prophet (PBUH) and have mercy on each other so that Allah may have mercy on us. Thank you.”

Waheed  21:46
Beautiful. And another member said, “I wish I can share my struggles with them. I wish I can tell them how hard it is, and how much I am in need of their help. I am sorry if my cruelty to myself manifested as cruelty to you. I did not know how to love the me I was, and so I found myself unable, at times, to love others. Forgive me, but be patient with me as I learn to be at peace and reconcile all that has gone past.”

Aadam  22:16
And another member said, “For siblings, I'd like to say that if you're confused about your role as a support, please know that you're already doing wonders just by embracing and loving your sibling with SSA or gender dysphoria. You treating them as normally as possible after they've disclosed it to you is more than enough of a support. Now what would be great is for you to educate yourself on this matter, and also find out about your own boundaries when it comes to helping your siblings. More often than you think, being a listening ear is exactly what we need from you. Do not think you'd have any role in fixing us or being our therapist, you are better off gathering and redirecting your sibling to the appropriate resources.”

Waheed  22:59
And another member said, “Realize that this is a really complex topic. Everyone knows that same-sex behaviors in Islam are haram, but there is usually a huge emotional and psychological component to same-sex attractions, or SSA, that people are mostly unaware of. If your brother or sister comes to you with this struggle, know that they have likely suffered a great deal throughout their childhood, even if you were never aware of it. In some cases, you may have been responsible for a lot of their suffering and pain. So be honest with yourself, and use this as a time of accounting for your own actions. Apologize, if necessary, say you are sorry, sincerely and from the heart, that can go a long way. Know that having SSA is a huge trial, and your brother or sister needs your support - not support in doing haram, but support in dealing with the inner turmoil and staying on the Straight Path. If they have opened up to you, know that they took a huge risk in doing so, having no idea how you would react and whether you would accept or reject them. Don't make them regret their decision to tell you. Be a relief for them, a refuge. They may have been too terrified to tell mom or dad, so they came to you instead. Realize that it's a huge ’amana (point of trust), and do not violate the trust that they have placed in you. Be mature, strong, principled and supportive. You guys aren't immature little kids anymore. If your brother or sister is involved in haram actions or relationships, you shouldn't approve of those. Give them naseeha (advice) on that, but only in a manner and at a time when you think they may be receptive to it. If they come out as an LGBT activist type, make it clear that such behaviors and advocacy are not acceptable in the eyes of Allah, and that there is a better way. Let them know about resources like “A Way Beyond the Rainbow” podcast, and encourage them to explore these other approaches on their own time. Know that it can be difficult for them to change their paradigm overnight, so be patient. As always, make du’aa (supplications) for them, and ask Allah to protect them, open their eyes to the truth, give them the support and guidance they need, and keep them and you and all of us in His Deen and on the Straight Path towards Him, subhanahu wa ta’ala.” Ameen. MashaAllah, it’s such a wonderful collection of responses! We're very grateful for everyone who pitched in and sent us their anonymous answers. Jazakom Allah khairan.

Aadam  25:25
Yeah, they are really, really beautiful responses. And just listening to this, really what it boils down to is love, acceptance of the person and not the actions, emotional support, realizing that SSA is not a choice, and that there's a lot that you can do to help. To start off by listening, you know, asking if you're confused or don't understand, and educating yourself. And it's important that you vocalize your love and give affirmations of worthiness and support to the people in your life that might be experiencing SSA. And do not make this about you; focus instead on the person going through this difficult trial. And, inshaAllah, these series of episodes are designed for us to help you through that process so that you can look after yourself as you go through this, but also, you know, us helping to anchor you in knowing that this is very much about your child, your sibling or your family member. So, inshaAllah, we will be discussing a lot of this in detail throughout the episodes.

Waheed  26:40
Alright, so, before we can help our child or sibling manage and grow with their SSA or gender dysphoria, we need to take stock of ourselves first, and this entire episode is dedicated to personal healing. This is a long journey, and your child or sibling or family member will need you at your best. It's expected that knowing that your child or sibling or family member is experiencing same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria will bring up lots of emotions for you, including shock, grief, sadness, worry, anxiety, anger, confusion, feelings of betrayal, disappointment, fear, and so on. You might be asking yourself, “Why me? Why is this happening to me?” So, it's very important that you navigate these emotions in a healthy way in order to show up for your child or your sibling or family member as they need you to. This may even be the perfect opportunity to address your own internal battles, your own struggles and traumas, in order to be there for that person during what is going to be a difficult and challenging time. 

Now, in his book, Gay Children, Straight Parents, Richard Cohen starts the book by focusing on what parents and loved ones should do before they delve into trying to support their child as they go through the process of healing and growing from same-sex attractions, and these include taking care of yourself, doing your own work, and experiencing God's love. And we will elaborate on what all of this involves, inshaAllah.

Aadam  28:14
Yeah, so, if we start off with thinking about taking care of yourself, so as a parent, or as a sibling, or somebody who's close to someone who's experiencing SSA or gender dysphoria, you know, taking care of yourself is very important. And seeing this information that you've just been given, so assuming you've just been told, you’ve found out or you've known for a short time, or whatever it might be, seeing it as an opportunity for your own healing. Ss we said before, you're going to be dealing with likely lots of different emotions, it's very important that you be gracious to yourself. Feelings are just feelings, they are neither good nor bad, it’s how we act upon them that's the important thing here. And it's important to say that you may experience repulsion or recoil, and some parents and siblings have something called the “yuck factor”, and this is a gut reaction to something like SSA or gender dysphoria that most people experience, even if they don't admit it. it's like a built-in biological defense to things that we don't know or understand or have a fear of.

Waheed  29:24
Exactly. And it's like basically being disgusted at the entire topic, so they just run away from it.

Aadam  29:30
Yeah. You have to acknowledge that your child has been living with these feelings and this experience for a long time. So, for them, this is entirely normal. This is not something new or disgusting or anything like that. This is their day-to-day experience. And you may struggle with the idea that your child may never have a traditional family, or worry about if that's even possible, or you might worry that your child will end up living a life of same-sex marriage, adoption situations in that context, or even artificial insemination as opposed to the traditional husband-wife family structure. Or maybe you are worried that they will end up lonely and rejected and isolated, or maybe even engage in an unhealthy lifestyle with STDs, etc., or rejection by wider society. 

Despite all of these feelings, you must resist that physiological “yuck factor”, the disgust response to those thoughts that we've just described and talked through there. And, obviously, that's not a comprehensive list, you might have other worries, but you need to resist that initial “yuck factor”. Throughout this journey, you will be confronted with ideas and realities that may cause you discomfort and disgust, you must learn to resist leaning into those responses and then acting upon them. You could do potentially a lot of damage if you react to those in an unhealthy way. So, instead, you must focus on the causes and healing of SSA, displaying the right kind of love that is deeper than just sort of mere superficial displays. Much of what you will need to do is counterproductive to the “yuck factor”. So, be patient with yourself and ask your child to be patient with you as well. This is brand new territory, and you might not get it right the first time, but that's absolutely okay, and we're not perfect. So, we'll probably do things and make mistakes, and, inshaAllah, learn from them.

Waheed  31:32
For sure, absolutely. So how do we go about overcoming that? InshaAllah, this is going to be the focus of this episode and the upcoming couple of episodes, inshaAllah. And before we carry on with this discussion, it's very important to talk about the five stages of grief, a lot of you listening might be familiar with them. But we're just going to go through them very quickly here. So, when your child or your sibling or your relative, or someone dear to you, tells you that he/she is experiencing same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria, you might actually go through the five stages of grief, move through them in order to overcome that shock factor. You must have been shocked when your child first told you or “came out of the closet”, right? Maybe you were completely taken by surprise, maybe you might have had an inkling all along and your “worst fears” were realized. Maybe you experienced shame, guilt, sadness, pain, and a wide range of emotions. 

Now, whatever the circumstances are, the response is usually the same, “How could this happen? I loved you with all of my heart. I know I made mistakes, but God knows I tried my best!” Maybe you even blurted out all the wrong things at first, or maybe you didn't say what you should have said. Now, it doesn't matter, whatever happened, don't worry about the past, you can restore and improve your relationship with your child or sibling or family member. No matter how unlikely it may seem, be assured that he/she is hungry for your love, acceptance and approval, especially if you're his/her parent. Realize that you will be going through a grieving process at the beginning; realizing that your child or your sibling having SSA is akin to grieving for many parents or siblings, many of their hopes and dreams and expectations for their child, as parents, come into doubt and question. It's important that you know the five stages of grieving so that you can navigate through them in the healthiest and constructive way, in order to support your child or your sibling. 

And these five stages of grief were first outlined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her book On Death and Dying, and these stages are: 1. Denial, meaning, “This can't be happening to me/us/him/her”, “Oh, this is not true!”, you know, just denying the whole thing. 2. Anger. After going through denial, we usually go through anger, “Why did this happen? I did my best! Oh my God, I'm so pissed at myself/my spouse/my kid/etc.!” 3. Bargaining, so something like “Please, God, if I do this or that, if we do X, Y, and Z, please change him/her”, we do something and we expect something in return. 4. Depression, we go through a period of sadness, “It's true, and I can't stand this. It's so painful”, “I want my child to get married and have kids, my dreams are lost!” “What am I going to do?”, just that feeling of depression. And then 5. Acceptance, which is “Okay, now that I've accepted this, it is true, what now? What can I do to assist him/her? How can I take care of myself in the process? How can we move forward in the best ways possible?” And it's important to know that not everyone has to go through the five stages, and some people skip stages, some people go through the stages and go back to the initial stages. So, it really varies, because we all have different experiences at the end of the day. 

Aadam  35:17
Yeah, absolutely. Exactly. And just to that point, you might revisit these stages over again, you might go from one to the next and then go back to another one, you might go in cycles, and that's absolutely fine. The important thing is that you must express your feelings with people that are close to you, that you trust, so whether it's your spouse or trusted friend or loved one, you should use them to help you move through the stages. And also use Allah obviously, to express your pain and anguish and sadness to Him. Be honest with yourself as well, the worst thing you could do is not be honest with yourself about what you're feeling. The point of all this is, the more you express, the quicker that you'll be able to move through the stages of grief. Repression of your emotions will keep you stuck and create an obstacle between you and being able to help your child. This is a very common quote, “You must feel and be real in order to heal”, “you must feel to heal”, or different variations of that. 

And know that you cannot do this alone. As humans, we exist in relationships, we are social creatures. Sharing with Allah is necessary, but Allah also sends His assistance in the form of other people. So, you must share with others and seek help. Not doing this will prolong the process of healing and grieving that you need to go through. Feeling guilty and responsible is also a common response of many parents, and you need to realize that this is not true. You must know that there are many, many causes of SSA and gender dysphoria, and that no two cases are the exact same. Know this: parenting does not create SSA. It's the child's temperament, perceptions of parenting, and other social influences that create SSA. Perception essentially becomes reality, and that's really important to understand here. So it may be that there was a lack in the parenting, etc., and it may be that there wasn't; regardless, the perception of your child is what has created their outlook, their reality, and their experience. 

Waheed  37:29
Especially that the child has a hypersensitive temperament as well and really takes things personally and absorbs things in a way that is different from other children's perceptions, right? 

Aadam  37:38
Absolutely, exactly. And Richard Cohen mentions this in the book, in this section, where most SSA children are highly sensitive and easily hurt. So, if they’ve had experiences of hurt, they detach and easily cut off without the parent’s awareness, and that's where the relationship gets derailed. So, again, it's all about perception, and, generally, there's a sense of hypersensitivity around the child, they're easily hurt, and they detach emotionally without parental knowledge or knowledge of the caretakers and loved ones around them. You, however, as a parent or a loved one, are in a position to make an enormous difference in your child's life today, and whatever you learn, you are responsible for implementing. And of course, we make amends, we seek forgiveness, and we turn back to Allah. And, of course, as you prepare for this, you will need emotional, mental, physical and spiritual support. Always remember that your child deeply fears losing your love. As you can tell from the responses we received, love and connection was a recurring theme. Although your child may have been coached about “coming out”, or they've been coached about facing you or being angry at you, they're still afraid that you'll withdraw your love and attention. And all of their conversations with you will almost have a subtext of “Do you accept me as I am?” What they're trying to say is “Do you still love me? Or will you reject me?” 

Waheed  39:09
Absolutely, and this is very important to take into account. If you really look at that as a child asking you “Do you love me? Or will you reject me?”, it really makes a big difference, because, at the end of the day, parents and siblings would say “Of course we still love you!” Subhan Allah.

So, taking into consideration everything that Aadam said, many parents might ask “How long is this process going to take? How long until we ‘get them back’?” if they're adamant about their thoughts and behaviors or lifestyle, whatever it is, depending on their stage, where they are, their age, and how far along they are. According to Richard Cohen, Joseph Nicolosi, and other therapists, it depends on your tenacity as the parent or the sibling, caregiver etc., your child's or sibling’s receptivity (i.e. the receptivity of the individual who's dealing with same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria), the severity of their wounding, and timing as well. As you will see, there are many positive things for you that you can do. The more time that you invest, the more energy and patience that you put in, the greater the result concerning the efforts necessary you will see. And healing same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria actually involves retracing those steps and getting back on track where things fell off. 

Remember, there is no single right way to do this, do your best. Remember that you as a human being are fallible, but you keep on showing up nevertheless. Take your time, and realize that grieving and healing have their own rhythm. I've seen this with a lot of parents who have contacted me personally, there's sometimes an over-fixation on change, that “We want our kid to change”, you know, “We want to heal them”, you know, “We want to ‘flip’ them” (i.e. from homosexual to heterosexual), “When will this happen? What do we need to do?” You know, it's all an over-fixation on change, change, change! And my answer to them is, after giving them resources and discussing things with them and giving them information to raise awareness about what SSA or GD is, and how to go about the healing process, I always tell them that this may or may not happen (i.e. change). It depends on actually what they mean by “change”, like, do they mean our child has 100% SSA, and he/she's going to flip to 100% OSA (opposite-sex attracted)? I tell them “that may or may not happen”, and actually, it doesn't really happen like 100%. It happens in different degrees. It may or may not happen; some people don't experience a change in their sexuality, and that is okay. Don't make that the focus of your efforts. Otherwise, you will end up losing. If that is the only thing that you're focused on, we can tell you right here right now, you might as well forget about the whole thing, because that's not what we really care about. What we care about is love, attention, affection, approval, healing, growth. This is far beyond a change in one's sexuality or gender identity, right? There are much more important things. If you want your child to end up getting married, that may or may not happen, whether they experience SSA or not. 

But if you want your relationship with your child or sibling to get better, for them to be more at home in their own bodies and with their own families, to be at home with Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, to experience love in their lives, to experience love from their peers, to feel more in tune with their emotions, to feel more loved and embraced no matter what, that, inshaAllah, has a high possibility of happening, depending on how much you invest, and how much they themselves are willing to invest. So please keep this in mind. Don't make “change”, whatever that means, the focus of your efforts. Keep Allah front and center. And keep your child or sibling front and center, and focus on them and what is good for them, and, inshaAllah, things will open up in ways that you did not expect.

Aadam  43:18
After discovering that your loved one has been experiencing SSA or gender dysphoria, you probably will have experienced the stages of shock, pain, grief, denial, confusion, maybe even hopelessness, you might have asked yourself “Why me?”, as we've mentioned earlier. Know that your child has been going through this as long as they've been aware of their feelings around SSA or their gender identity, even though you never knew it. So, you might be going through this for the first time; they have been going through this as long as they were aware of their emotions and experiences in this area. So, it's time to put yourself in the shoes of your child (or loved one) and enter their world, to experience what it means to be them. This might be difficult to think about, let alone comprehend, so “welcome to your child’s world” is what we'd say here! 

This is what makes these issues so complex, it probably took your loved one years to disclose their hidden feelings, and it was probably a very long, lonely and painful journey that was made without you. And we can testify to this as people who experience SSA, and we have been on our own healing process and continue to be on that process. So, can you imagine what it must have been like for them in elementary, middle or high school to feel those feelings of same-sex attraction or gender dysphoria when their peers were attracted to the opposite sex and bragging about it or manifesting their gender identity in a way that was congruent with how they felt? How conflicted and confusing it must have been for them. And if they grew up with strong religious beliefs, those feelings were even more devastating, because acting upon those feelings or desires is against the values of Islam and the word of Allah. 

They may have had feelings and thoughts of “What if people find out, what would they think?”, you know, “What would my parents say, or what would they do?” “How would my family feel?” And so on. Subhan Allah, we say this of people who experience SSA or gender dysphoria, and this is very much our experience, I know we've talked about this at length, Waheed, subhan Allah, there's so many instances throughout our years, my years, where there was isolation, distancing, bullying, being called names, being let down. Verbal, emotional, physical abuse, you know, all of these things. We are mentioning all of these things so you can get a sense of the different things that could have happened with your loved one. 

Waheed  46:10
Exactly, absolutely. And it's very important to say something here: Realize that the same shock and grieving that you went through, or are going through right now, as a parent, or sibling, or family member, we have been through that ourselves. So, if anything, please do not make this about you. It's humbling when you realize whatever you are experiencing is a microcosm of your child's world, or your sibling’s world, right? So, when we say, “welcome to my world”, it's literally Welcome to my world. Your child has probably spent many years coming to terms with their feelings, it has been a terribly lonely and painful experience for them. Many parents that I've spoken with think that this is all about them. They make this about them, they want to do this and that, “We want to do this for our child”, “He needs to do this, she needs to do that.” No, honey, it's not about you! 

This is actually what it really boils down to, among so many other things, one of them is a test in humility, really. Because what I see in a lot of parents - I understand their shock and grief, but what really erupts in the process is their ego. And if you really look at this closely, there is a test in humility. Will you focus on your child or your sibling who needs help? Or will you make this all about you? And if you are a parent who is listening to us right now, or a sibling listening to us right now, and you've made it all about you, I really hope that this kind of resonates with you, and you take a second look at this and realize that “Maybe I've been going about it the wrong way. Maybe I've been making it all about myself, when, in fact, I should make it about that person.” And please realize that, and we have spoken about this at length in this podcast, there's been a lot of shame, a lot of guilt, a lot of self-loathing, and a lot of numbing behavior as a result of the experiences that we've been through. This has been THE big secret, and a tremendous burden for many years. And now that you know, it is about you in a sense, because now that you know, has your child's secret or your sibling’s secret now become your secret too? Are you afraid of what the rest of your family will think and how your community will react? “Will people think less of me and my child or sibling?” 

We understand that discovering SSA or gender dysphoria and all of that is a difficult passage, but it can also mark the beginning of a new and wonderful journey, and we really mean that. Once you begin to follow the recommendations that we're going to try to offer, inshaAllah, in these episodes, and check out the resources and the books that we mention, you will be able to create the support network that you need in order to learn and to reach out to others, and to Allah subhanah wa ta’ala first and foremost, for love and guidance. And with Allah's help, inshaAllah, you will discover that it is possible to find hope and healing for your child, sibling or family member, as well as for yourself and your entire family. Believe it or not, there are lots of answers for so many questions that you have, and there's hope for restored love and even possible change in spite of the current cultural messages that we receive on a daily basis. And as you go through these emotions, please share your thoughts and feelings with your child or family member. Grieve together if you are comfortable doing so. See life through their eyes. And we promise you, it's going to be rewarding, inshaAllah.

Aadam  49:53
Yeah, and you know, this touches on the idea of joining in with your child. So now that you are introduced to their world, to actually, you know, walk the walk with them, to join in with them, to listen to them, to grieve with them, to try and have healthy discussions. We cannot emphasize this enough, but you must listen, listen, listen, and listen more, and hold back your own thoughts and judgments. You need to hear what they have to say, listen to their story, ask inquisitive and non-judgmental questions, and travel back in time with them to find out what exactly they went through, what exactly their story is. This will demand a lot of time, touch and talk, these are the three T's that Richard Cohen talks about in his book. So be patient with yourself and your child. This is more difficult if your child is not living at home, obviously. But there are a lot of suggestions for you to work through. 

We should probably call out that you should expect rejection from your child initially, but do not give up. Wstablish trust, do things together as much as you can, love them, praise them, caress them, hold them, cherish them and provide the unmet needs of love that they have. This is particularly important for the same-sex parents to do, and we will talk about this in a lot more detail and structure throughout these episodes. But just at a very high level, these are the things that you'll be recommended to do. Fathers, get more in touch with your sons, and mothers, the same, get more in touch with your daughters. If they want you to read their affirmative books, and magazines or articles, then do so. So if they're on the LGBT+ path, they may come to you with things that you don't necessarily agree with, but in order to facilitate the healing process and be with your child, you'll have to engage in the things that they're engaged in. If they want you to attend a particular meeting, it's important for you to go to demonstrate that you love them, to show them that by joining their world and seeing things from their point of view, you're demonstrating that you feel that what they have to believe and think is important, especially at the beginning. The focus at the beginning of this process is all about joining hearts and building bridges. 

And it's also important to say this doesn't mean that you have to accept everything that they think or believe or are telling you, it doesn't mean that you have to condone their behavior or their lifestyle that they might have chosen. What it means is that you love your child and you want to understand their perspective, and this is essential, this is key. 

And then also seek professional help. You know, you could attend therapy seminars, family healing sessions, find local therapists or support groups that can support you through the process.

Waheed  52:50
Absolutely, and we'll talk more about this, inshaAllah, and provide links to different resources for family members to check out, inshaAllah. 

Now, as Aadam was saying, you know, stepping into their world, joining in with your child, let's take an exercise of actually doing that, and this is an exercise about seeing things through their eyes, you know, your child's eyes or the eyes of your sibling or family member who experiences same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria. There are stages that we go through until we “come out”. The first stage is basically the variables that have facilitated the same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria to actually emerge. For this, we encourage the listeners to go back to the episodes in season one, particularly episode seven and eight on the genesis of same sex attractions, and for female same-sex attraction or gender dysphoria, episode 10 is important. Give those a listen or re-listen if you've listened to them before, maybe take notes if you need to. In those episodes, we actually talk about the roles of an inherent hypersensitive temperament that is coupled with particular family dynamics, parental wounds, sibling wounds, peer wounds, body image wounds, as well as cultural and social wounds, in addition to any abuse that the child may have experienced, among other factors. Try and see what your child went through. Maybe encourage them to listen with you and share their own experiences and perspectives. Given all of these variables, SSA emerges at a different age for each person depending on different factors, and the same happens with gender dysphoria, and that mainly depends on the child's temperament, their physiology, their perceptions, the family history at particular times, social and cultural events and so on. 

So, you need to check with your child or your sibling or family member when they first started experiencing that, and be careful, in the case of a person experiencing same-sex attractions, we need to distinguish between the envy of a person of the same gender and the sexualization of that envy, and these are distinct and separate categories. Most often when we eroticize an individual of the same gender, that tends to happen around puberty, or a little bit before that, but there are exceptions, and those desires may emerge later on in the late teens or even early 20s, and sometimes much later than that. So, it's not a one-size-fits-all approach. It's not like every case of SSA or gender dysphoria is the same. Things are different. 

Aadam  55:32
Yep, yep. The next thing to consider is the conflict that people who experience SSA or gender dysphoria have. We, as people with SSA or gender dysphoria, we might ask ourselves, “Why do I have these feelings?”, “What would others think of me if I have these feelings or desires?”, “Is it a sin to feel this way?”, “Does Allah still love me?” And most often, they experience feelings of pain, confusion, guilt, shame, denial, loneliness, and despair. These are made worse when the person is unable or unwilling to talk freely with family and friends, and, unfortunately, with the explosion of gay-affirming organizations, the LGBT movement, websites, media, etc., they can get their answers from other places which are not in line with our values. And, unfortunately, nowadays adding “questioning” to the LGBT paradigm means that people who have a fleeting attraction to someone of the same gender may be led to believe that they belong to this identity. 

So, it's very important to understand that underneath all of this, there is a need for belonging. The voices of “I do not fit in”, “I do not belong”, “I'm not like others”. During puberty, what were once emotional desires for same-sex bonding now become sexually inflamed yearning; emotional needs for non-sexual intimacy with the same-sex parent and/or same-sex peer suddenly become eroticized. However intense the desire may feel, it's important to remember there is an unconscious drive for bonding with the same-sex parent and/or the same-sex peer because of hormonal, emotional, and social bonding. There's a need for gender identification because of insufficient bonding with the same-sex parent and/or the same-sex peers, basically, to join with members of the same gender in order to internalize their missing sense of masculinity and femininity. That may be a lot to take in. So, if you need to listen back to that, then please do. But that is essentially the crux of the issue. 

Fear of intimacy with members of the opposite sex, there may be over attachment between mother and son, or father and daughter, or an abusive relationship with a member of the opposite sex, these will preclude healthy heterosexual desires, and it's important to highlight that there's also an element of indoctrination, which is happening from the media and culture, and everything, and there are efforts to convince people that they're born this way, and efforts to change that are harmful. “You need to accept yourself” and all these myths about “this is all genetically predetermined”, and so on. 

Waheed  58:14
Exactly. So, all of this is basically that conflict about SSA and all of these exacerbating factors that kind of make it difficult to put things in proper perspective. And honestly, we've all been through this, like Aadam and I, and most of the listeners, and people in the SSA community, I mean, we all identify with that, subhan Allah.

Aadam  58:33
Oh, yes. Subhan Allah. And then the final stage is confiding in others, getting to the point where you actually speak to other people about this. Kids and young adults are especially sensitive and fearful of rejection. So, when they first “come out” to their friends or siblings, when they finally talk about this, or when they first talk about this even, and when they finally talk to you probably, they may say something like, you know, “Please accept me for who I am, God made me this way”, or they may be angry with you and tell you “If you refuse to accept me just the way I am, you're a homophobe, and you're unloving, and you don't love me.” They're afraid to lose your love after working through years of emotional, mental, physical and spiritual angst to come to terms with their attractions and feelings about themselves. But what if you don't wish to accept their way of life? What if you refuse to internalize their socio-political definitions? How do you both live in conflicting paradigms? And can you still love your child and completely disagree with their choice to adopt this identity? These are all legitimate concerns that parents have. And to answer in the shortest way possible: Yes, you can unconditionally love your child, and we’ll absolutely talk about this more and help you to tackle those difficult questions that you might have been asked or you may be asked in the future, inshaAllah.

Waheed  1:00:10
So, as you may have listened earlier in this episode, when we shared the survey responses from members of the Straight Struggle community, the answers stressed on love, and the books that we've been including as resources, and all of our experiences, they point in the same direction: We need unconditional love. You have to understand the dynamics that lead to SSA and their behavior, and you will find ways to bring the gifts of loving and proper attachment with your child. It's very important, and we cannot stress this enough, your love must be unconditional. If you give the impression, either directly or indirectly, that you hope by loving your child more or by understanding them that they will change, or that you're going to do something for them in return, but they have to do something for you first, which is, for example, to attend therapy or to quit doing particular things or whatever it is. Whenever you have certain conditions in your mind, you have a goal in mind, then that becomes conditional by definition. So let that sink in. 

Do you love your child no matter what? Or do you love them only if they fit a particular mold or standards in your mind? Take a moment and really be honest with yourself here. Because what we're trying to say here is that the healing kind of love is unconditional love. The one that says “I love you and your essence, I love you as my child, I will love you no matter what.” That is the love that breaks barriers and heals hearts. Otherwise, if it's conditional, your efforts will be rejected. If you have other intentions, your efforts will look like manipulation. Trust us, it shows even if you try to hide things, honestly, please keep in mind that your love must be offered unconditionally and freely. Love cannot have a price tag attached, meaning “I will love you if…” or “I will love you for now”, “But for me to still love you or for me to accept you, you have to do something or give me something or stop doing something or stop being the person that you are.” All of this is misguided. So, we hope that the distinction is clear by now.

Aadam  1:02:22
Yeah, and it's very important to love these children as God loves us, with all our flaws and confusion and mistaken identities. With care and gentleness, we seek to reattach that child to same-sex parent and same-sex peers, and we'll talk about this more in the coming episodes. As you reach out to your loved one, your child, remember that there have been a lot of lies spun around them. So, you know, think about the LGBT+ propaganda, the identity of the transgender movement, “This is who you are, accept yourself.” There's been a lot of social programming, and there's a lot of deconstruction that needs to happen around these ideas. And they're already dealing with a lot of shame and pain, hurt and anger, right? So, with love and truth, you must try to reverse the damage and restore your child. If you focus on the childhood wounds that have not healed and the unmet needs for love and acceptance, you can help your child heal into their full gender identity and fulfill their potential. 

We cannot stress this enough. Everyone needs to belong, whether it's in a family culture, in a community, within a religion, or tribe or country. Many of us who have experienced SSA or gender dysphoria have felt like we've never fit in, we've never belonged anywhere. We may have faked belonging with groups and people in organizations but never truly felt it in our hearts, and that's deeply, deeply tragic. And we believe that we may have found acceptance elsewhere. Please assist your child and your loved one and help your family feel that healing is all about creating an authentic environment of the longing. The healing is about creating secure attachment bonding with the same-sex parents and same-sex peers in a healthy healing way, and you're not manipulating your child here. You're not forcing them to do anything, and we'll talk about this more in the coming episodes. But for now, please focus on this aspect and revisit as many times as you need. This has to be internalized before we can really start doing any further work.

Waheed  1:04:34
Absolutely, and I know that a lot of parents right now or family members might actually be thinking, you know, “How can I love my kids or siblings unconditionally knowing that acting on these desires is wrong or that living that lifestyle is destructive and haram? Do I still love them knowing that they may be doing something that displeases Allah?” And I've personally had that question addressed to me by a lot of parents who contacted me throughout the years. And the answer, again, is yes. Now, how so? A lot of people might be confused. So, it's very important to separate the person from the actions, right? So, let me ask you this, would you still love your child if he/she drinks alcohol? Would you still love your child if he/she is struggling with, let's say, substance abuse, or any kind of addiction, or whatever else they might be dealing with? Yes, of course, and naturally, you would hate their behaviors, right? You would do whatever you can to help them, you would be concerned about them, you would go to great lengths to “save them”. You wouldn't love them any less, would you? In fact, you'd actually pour more love on them and make sure that they know that you are there for them, that you are concerned about them, that you want what is best for them. 

So, by the same token, how is same-sex attractions or acting upon it, or gender dysphoria for that matter any different? Unconditional love is, in brief, as follows: “I love you no matter what you do, I love you for who you are. You are worthy and sacred. No matter what you do or don't do, my love for you does not diminish. I may disagree with particular things that you do or say, but my love for you does not change.” That makes sense. And another concern that some parents might have is, or they might say, “But then, shouldn't I vocalize my concern or my disagreements with them, even if I love them unconditionally? Like shouldn't I tell them that acting upon these desires is wrong? That the LGBT lifestyle is unhealthy and haram, and so on?” Now, the answer to this is that it's very important to know that you should state your beliefs one time and one time only. Please do not repeat them over and over again. I mean, believe us, your children already know this anyway. If you continue to hammer away on morals and values, you will distance yourself from your already detached child, and you will lose valuable ground. You may think that if you don't constantly reiterate, “I don't believe in this” or “I don't accept this” or “this is haram or this is halal”, that your child will assume that you are accepting his/her identity and will go deeper into that lifestyle or his/her beliefs. That doesn't happen anyway. On the contrary, your constant negativity will only reinforce their sense of not belonging with you, and it will distance them from you and your family and even from God. Even nagging about the law or Scripture or the Qur’an or Allah's displeasure will send them directly into the arms of the lifestyle and pro-LGBT support groups. So please, please keep this in mind. And actually, there's something beautiful that Richard Cohen says, he says, “Bear in mind that we flawed humans need to love the most when we deserve it the least.” 

Aadam  1:08:00
That's not always the easiest thing to do! Subhan Allah. Yeah, and it's also very important to note that there may be a lot of oppositional behavior that takes place. So, whether consciously or unconsciously, those deeply wounded individuals are unable to access their hurt, which often revolves around past family dynamics, and they may want to do things to upset you as a means of retaliation, or even to actually just get your attention. Underneath all of this is their need for your love. But perhaps they haven't experienced it to the degree that they really need it. So, do not withhold your love or anything else, such as finances or other resources, in an effort to control your child's behavior or your loved one’s behavior. Again, if the love that you demonstrate towards your loved ones is conditional, or withheld whenever you're displeased, you're only going to widen the gap between you and them. 

On the other hand, it's important to note that maybe you will not experience a lot of love coming back from them, and, as we said before, expect to be rejected. When you make more efforts to love and listen, they will back off, you might be taken aback by this or feel frustrated. The more that you reach out, it will seem that the more that they'll close the doors and seal their heart shut. What you have to understand here is that we, people with SSA or gender dysphoria, have many shields around our hearts and many defenses, many wounds that have been very much alive for a long time. So, initially, your attempts at expressing love may face rejection. But please persevere and hang in there. Do not let go. Don't despair or lose hope. You must be consistent. Eventually, they will let you in. In the beginning, you may find yourself doing the wrong thing, or saying maybe what appears to be the wrong words. Don’t worry, and don't obsess about what you've said or done. Mistakes happen. Like we said, no one's perfect. And this is a massive learning curve. So, it's inevitable that things might not go perfectly. 

Simply ask your loved ones to be patient with you as you try to find your way through this maze of challenges, and extend grace to both yourself and to your loved ones and your children. Also, while you're doing this, explain your efforts to your other children, your relatives, your friends, if possible, educate them about the truth of SSA, and teach them about your hopes and your plans, and how you're going to address this, and give them the resources, help them check these resources and correct any misinformation. And also speak to a local Imam or a member of the religious community wherever you live, if that's possible, and do your best to help them understand what you have learned, and encourage them to walk with you in the process. And as we said before, this is not a one-person show. This is something that truly needs the community to come together, whatever that community looks like for the people involved, the family, and the person is experiencing SSA or gender dysphoria, to have that support network show up for them, inshaAllah. 

1:11:25
So, the more you step into your child's world and learn about SSA and their struggles, you might find yourself feeling a sense of guilt or shame, or even dwelling on your past mistakes. You must stop your self-accusations, because they don't serve anybody. This will not help progress the healing journey or process. Stop the blame game, it will not help you, your spouse or your child or other family members. The only thing that will change this situation is to take personal responsibility for past mistakes, which means apologizing, making amends, and building a loving attachment between you, your spouse, your child and the rest of the family, if possible, and we'll talk more about this now and in the upcoming episodes. 

We ask Allah for His forgiveness and we then forgive ourselves. And what we can now do is to experience Allah's love and to love our family and our children are our loved ones. Listen to your heart and be attentive and take care of your own needs in healthy ways. Richard Cohen says in his book, “Acute guilt is healthy, but chronic guilt is toxic.” So please bear that in mind. Blaming will not lead us anywhere, it's just a pit, and there's always a chance to make tawbah (repentance) and to reorient the compass. Allah's door is always open, or as some of the spiritual masters have said that there isn't even a door in the first place, you know, subhan Allah. There is no door, and we can connect with Allah anytime, anywhere. Ask for His help in the process; after all, without Him, we cannot do anything. So, I couldn't emphasize this aspect enough: Making du’aa, praying and doing all the things that Allah expects of us, and asking for His help throughout this entire journey and process. 

Waheed  1:13:25
Amen. Absolutely. So, we're going to go through an exercise to kind of help you relieve some of the guilt that you may experience. If you find yourself caught in the webs of guilt at any point, try to follow it step by step and repeat it as necessary, and this is an exercise that's taken from Richard Cohen's book, Gay Children, Straight Parents. So, you can use this with your spouse, with your close friend or your therapist, but not with your child who experiences same-sex attraction or gender dysphoria, and we will talk later about some exercises that you can actually use to apologize to your child and to make amends with him/her. 

So, the first thing that you do is write a list of things that you feel bad about, maybe things that you said or did, and things that you didn't do that you wish you had done. For example, you know, “As your mother, I kept you too close to me and said bad things about your father.” Or, “As your father, I didn't spend enough time with you, because I worked too much. I didn't understand your needs.” And so on. And then, after you've written a list of all of these things, you would perform roleplay with your spouse or friend or your therapist, the one that you are doing this exercise with, they would play the role of your child, and you would be the parent yourself, like you would be yourself in this roleplay. You would hold their hand, and then imagine that you are sharing with your child what this list is about, and then you would read through that list, and you would imagine saying these things directly to your child, apologizing for any inappropriate things, behaviors or words. Breathe, express your feelings. and then move on to the next sentence, and then work systematically through your list in this manner. 

Take your time to grieve as necessary, and remember that we must always feel in order to heal, as Aadam said before. And then allow your spouse or your friend or whoever you're doing this exercise with to respond as he/she believes that your child would respond. For example, maybe offering forgiveness or getting upset or maybe rebuffing your apology altogether. And in that case, what you do is you just need to listen, you don't need to respond unless you desire to do so. 

And now, after listening to the one who's role playing your child, close your eyes and ask Allah to forgive you for all of these things. Then listen for a response that you feel in your heart. Be quiet, and then take a breath and relax, and then move on to the next step after you receive your answer. Then what you do is you ask yourself for forgiveness, this may be the most difficult step to accomplish, it's easier to forgive others than it is to forgive ourselves. Allow your spouse or the trusted friend or therapist to play the role of YOU right now, you're switching sides. So that other person is actually playing the role of YOU, hold the person's hand and say your name as if you're talking to yourself, “Please forgive me for all of those things”, as if you're seeking forgiveness from yourself, and then close your eyes and try to listen to the voice within. 

There may be a lot of self-flagellation, a lot of discourse that's happening within you. Just listen and let it all pour out. Do not censor anything, don't try to change the messages, just be a good listener, and you may have to ask yourself using your name, “Would you please forgive me for all of these things?” So, if I'm doing this exercise, I would be like “Waheed, would you please forgive me for all of these things?” And then you keep repeating the question and listening until the dialogue is complete, and until the voice comes and says, “I forgive you. Yes, I forgive you.” 

And you may need to repeat this exercise many times, forgiveness in one's mind and forgiveness in one's heart actually take time. Again, ask your spouse or close friends to do this exercise with you. Or if you're doing it with a therapist, then that would be a good exercise to do. The sooner you receive God's forgiveness, inshaAllah, and you, by you forgiving yourself, the sooner you will be ready to take the necessary steps to help your child heal and grow. 

Aadam  1:17:56
In his book, Gay Children, Straight Parents, Richard Cohen mentions hearing all SSA family members say words like the following, “I am afraid of telling other family members and friends about our child’s homosexuality. I am afraid that when they find out, their opinion of our son and our family will change. Then the concept that our child is gay will be fixed in their minds, and the possibility of his coming out of homosexuality will become less and less.”

Waheed  1:18:22
Honestly, this is all too common, especially in the tons of emails that I've gotten from parents. Like the mom would be complaining, “Oh my god! What if our friends and family found out, and what if…”, and I'm like, “Woman, get a grip for the love of God!” You know, I understand that this is a huge issue, and people would feel ashamed if other people found out. But really, like, ultimately, who is more important here? You know, please focus on what's important. These fears are very common, and they're not unfounded in reality. But, you know, due to people's lack of awareness of the true nature of SSA, they can impose popular beliefs about SSA or the “gay identity” upon others, and they may hurl judgments and negative reactions at your family and your child. So, we really understand that this happens, but it's very important to kind of keep your child at the center of this and really just focus on that. Anyway, we'll talk about this soon, that was just an introduction. 

Aadam  1:19:27
You know, whilst this is an unpleasant experience, and it's unhelpful during what's already a difficult time, it's important to know that the reactions of other people have got nothing to do with you or your loved one. It's their ignorance that’s speaking, so don't take it upon yourself in that way. During such time, as possible, you can correct the misunderstandings and false beliefs that people have around the issues of SSA and gender dysphoria. Common beliefs include people believing that SSA is a choice and that your child must repent. This is an opportunity to educate people that SSA and gender dysphoria are not a choice. It's a feeling, it's a desire, it's an inclination, the sin is acting upon it, and that is where the choice lies. 

We should probably say this, that doing this might not always be advisable, as many cultures can be particularly hostile to this issue. So, we don't want to put you in harm's way. For your own safety or that of your loved ones, we would strongly advise to do what it takes to stay safe, don't take risks that would put you in harm's way, especially in Muslim cultures. It's an unfortunate reality. But in the case where it is safe for you to speak on this issue and do it freely, then doing so will help you through this process. And as we said before, community support is invaluable provided that the community is supportive and on the same understanding of the issue, and if not, then maybe you can consult with your local imam, masjid, or other community leaders or support groups that you have nearby. And if there aren’t any, then you can reach out to us through the podcast, or through the Straight Struggle support group, and we will link to other resources, other organizations are online-based that provide support to parents and family members of people who've got SSA, so we'll link to those. 

Having same-sex peers, uncles, aunts, grandparents, and fellow members of the community support the SSA child is ideal. So whatever support you can get from others, you should absolutely accept it and use it to help navigate the experience, and this is essential. With everything we've spoken about, there's a lack of gender identification, and having people of the same sex to help you is what is necessary. De-stigmatizing SSA and gender dysphoria is very important. Our communities need to be aware of the realities of this issue, and this has been so long overdue, subhan Allah. We're already late to the party. The party finished and we have just shown up! 

Waheed  1:22:26
People are cleaning up, and we’ve just shown up! 

Aadam  1:22:31
Exactly. And as mentioned before, you can use this experience as an opportunity to educate more and more people within our communities about these issues. And you know, it's been said that “When the child “comes out, the parents go into the closet.” So, we must talk about this. You might have the urge or desire to hide under the covers, as people say, that’s just the shame speaking, and it doesn't serve anybody. Don't let the voice in your head that says “What will other people think? They may no longer want to stay in touch with us.” Do not listen to it. Don't isolate yourself, join together with other parents or support systems and inspire each other to continue on the path of healing. Pray together and for one another, there's strength in numbers, and, subhan Allah, that’s why there is so much emphasis on congregation within our religion. There's a strength in numbers, and there's a power that we achieve from mutual support that we just don't get in isolation. And as I said before, there are support groups specifically for parents and family members of individuals who have SSA, and we'll link those in the description, so you can look them up to see what's available.

And, ultimately, remember that we are only accountable to Allah, Allah’s judgment is the true judgment, and the only one that we should internalize and be concerned about. Allah is love, and He will provide for you, your child, and your family throughout this entire journey. So, remember, trust Him, pray to Him, act in accordance with His commands, and as people are talking and seeing things, then just allow them to talk. Don't waste your time worrying about the misconceptions, you're not responsible for helping them correct their misunderstandings or judgments. You have work to do to help your child or loved one, just invest in that, and ask Allah to support you throughout the process, inshaAllah. 

Waheed  1:24:31
Absolutely. Exactly. So, what we're trying to say here is, is the focus on friends and family and what they have to say if they find out, or is it Allah? Is it people or is it Allah at the end of the day? Please keep Allah front and center, please keep your child, the one that you're trying to help, front and center, and everything else is just noise, right? So yeah, I hope that helps, inshaAllah.

And in addition to all of that, it's necessary to do your own work. It's important to identify what may have taken place in the past, and it is essential to take positive steps towards reconciliation and restoration for the future, and we will talk more about this, inshaAllah, in the episodes to come. And, again, as Aadam was saying, accusing yourself or others of being at fault in the situation is counterproductive, it is best for both parents to share the healing process together, if that is possible and when that is possible, and to grieve together and to bring together the spouses instead of separating them or causing rifts. Blaming one another for past events only creates further distance between themselves, which invariably ends up becoming counterproductive in your efforts to helping your child. 

A lot of times, what's really stopping you from doing your own work is your own ego, and we kind of have to say this loud and clear. Think about it, right? A lot of times that is true. So, if you have a spouse, and you have a child who's dealing with same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria, please stop pushing your spouse to “do the right thing.” What do we mean by that? Don't point fingers at one another, you'll probably find it necessary to make certain changes in your behaviors and your attitudes towards your child. No matter how necessary these changes may seem, do not nag your spouse or push them or coerce them or threaten them with regards to these things. When you do so, you become like your spouse's parent, like the wife becoming like her husband's mother, and the husband would be like the wife's father, and this only creates added burdens and strains on your relationship, you will end up resenting each other, and your child is going to be the one who is suffering even more. So please keep this in mind. You work together and not against each other. 

And another piece of advice is that it's far better for us to share our feelings than it is to give orders, and we should grieve over our own mistakes, not our spouses. If you haven't had the chance to be vulnerable with your spouse, to share emotions and to have difficult conversations with them, now is the time to do that. And, subhan Allah, sometimes this trial is actually a chance for healing and recovery for the entire family, as we mentioned earlier on in this episode, so take it as an opportunity for healing and growth and connection and belonging. It is a gift in disguise. This is a wakeup call for the both of you. It may be difficult at the beginning, if you don't have the resources and you don't know what to do. So please visit the podcast episodes that talk about shame and vulnerability, which were earlier on in season one, which were episodes two and three in particular. And visit season four episodes of the podcast that talks about the healing journey to understand more about how these things apply to you. Season four was all the way from Episode 41 until 65. And, of course, it goes without saying, please consult therapists and professionals on these matters, because you cannot do this alone.

In case the same-sex parent in your situation is unable to bond with the child, or maybe he/she is not available or he/she is deceased and so on, then again try without accusations to find others to help, and we will talk more about this, inshaAllah, in the upcoming episodes. There are many others in the community who may be better equipped to help your child experience healthy same-sex paternal or maternal love. Going back to the whole concept of “change”, if you want your child to change and heal, you have to change yourself. Bluntly. You have to change yourself. You must face the possibility that changes will have to be made, not only in their lives, but also within yourself, your spouse and your household. Your healing, both as an individual and as a couple, will have a positive impact on your child as well as on the rest of your family. In the same way unresolved issues will negatively affect your children, if you truly want your son or daughter to heal, you will need to face your own issues, like fear, anger, sadness and disappointment. In doing that, you are leading your child by example. If you are hurting, grieve. If you are angry, express your feelings in a positive and assertive manner without hurting anyone else. 

Medicating your feelings through increased activities, being busy or blaming others, or using substances or whatever else will only serve to delay progress for both you and your child. Instead, we encourage you to face your feelings, trace their origins, release the pain, receive comfort from those you trust, and create an action plan for personal healing, for marital healing and family healing, and again, you do this through resources, through reading books, through journaling, meditating, seeking therapy and professional help, you don't do this alone. And, actually, I was speaking with parents who consulted with Richard Cohen himself for help, and the very first thing that he gets them to do, actually, other than offering advice to help them with their kids, is to actually do their own inner work. Imagine, like to do inner child work, to heal their personal traumas, to develop self-esteem, to develop communication skills, and so on. To learn more about the healing and recovery journey, again, please check out season four, check out the resources, buy the books that we've linked to, do the work yourself, and we promise that your personal life is going to change, inshaAllah, to the best, and you will learn so much about yourself and others around you that you may have never thought about before, and you will realize how much of a blessing this whole thing is, subhan Allah. 

And as Gandhi said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” Get the help and support to resolve any outstanding issues that you may have with your own parents, for example, whether they are alive or dead. It's never too late to heal, trust us. And as you demonstrate your own willingness to make peace with your own parents, your children will feel more comfortable about opening up to you. When you are doing your own work and your own therapy, you may choose to invite your children to participate in counseling sessions for your sake. And it's a good way to enroll them into the healing process, as this is a family affair, and you can actually ask them like something like, “Would you please do it to help me?” And as a parent, let them know that it is about you and your issues that you want them to participate in, so that you can take responsibility for things that have happened in the past. If you make the process about you, your child will feel less threatened and even more inclined to attend and help you out. And do not single out the child who has same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria. Actually, make sure that the entire family is involved and included if there are other siblings or other family members. 

Aadam  1:31:48
Yeah, and if you have a strenuous relationship with your spouse, then it's very important to seek professional help, perhaps couples therapy. One of the best gifts that you can give to your child is to love your spouse and create a stable, loving, calm environment. 

Waheed  1:32:04
Amen. 

Aadam  1:32:07
Don't we know about it! Don't let your ego get in the way. Dealing with a child's SSA or gender dysphoria is always a stressful and delicate situation, and it will only exacerbate any marital difficulties that are already present. So, with this in mind, consider finding a therapist who specializes in couples counseling and take time to communicate and work on your relationship, so you both are stronger and more united. So, in short, if you're married, work hard on your marriage. Also be careful about contacting just any therapist. Most counselors today are educated and trained in gay affirmative therapy, particularly in the Western countries, they would encourage the clients to embrace SSA, they would urge parents to “accept your child's homosexuality” or encourage them to accept whatever gender expression might be present, and if you resist, they will tell you that you're the problem and not your child. So, it's very important that you make sure you get in touch with the right people who can support you through this, and we will add links and more information in the episode description about potential counselors and therapists and organizations that might be able to help here. 

And finally, in the midst of all of this, bear in mind that it's very important to balance your efforts with a measure of joy. And this means that the best gift that we can give to our children is our love for one another. When they see restored unity and affection between parents, they will feel more secure and at peace. This is just normal in any situation, regardless of SSA or not, or gender dysphoria or not. You know, for this knowledge be sure to have romance and spice to your life with your spouse, go on dates together, have fun, do things that you both enjoy. If you stay at home and suffer, it serves no one well. And the more you generate love between the two of you, the more love that you can have for your children, and you can share amongst everybody in the home. So, laugh and watch movies together, stay away from issues in situations that bring you down. Please don't continuously subject yourself to the subject of SSA or gender dysphoria and stress over it, don’t make that the sole focus of life. Instead, focus on achieving a balance and creating a healthy home environment. 

Waheed  1:34:26
Yes, 100%.  

Aadam  1:34:30
Then again, it’s very important to keep in mind that SSA is primarily a symptom of unhealed emotional wounds and unmet needs for love. It's not about sex, and we will keep on saying this over and over again. It's a sense of not belonging, not fitting in, being on the outside, feeling inferior and different. A boy feeling less than other boys or men and being called names at school, and a girl feeling that she doesn't belong with the girls, that she may have been called names and singled out and ostracized. It's about internalized emotions of detachment and shame, created over years of confusion and pain. And it's important to remember that as long as it took to create these issues, it may take as long, if not longer, to actually undo the damage that's been done. So, this whole process is one that requires persistence, perseverance, patience and consistency, subhan Allah. So it’s very much about the process and not about achieving a set goal, subhan Allah, because you will need to persevere in those moments, the idea of having a child who feels safe and has a sense of belonging, a secure attachment, there's love in the home environment, people feel secure, they feel like they know who they are, and they're confident, and all of these are the things that matter, subhan Allah. So may Allah help us to act in the best ways. 

Waheed  1:36:09
InshaAllah. And actually, Richard Cohen, in his book, gives a very nice analogy to that, and he says, like, remember when your child might have fallen down, and maybe scraped his/her knees and they start crying, right? And what is usually the best way to handle that situation? When they tell you that it really does hurt and they're crying, what they really need from you is to tell them “Yes, we know it hurts, we are here for you.” You basically give them a hug, you love them, you kiss that pain away, then you clean the scrape, you apply an ointment and a Band-Aid to cover the wound, and then they give you a big kiss, and they say “thank you”, and then they go out to play again. And this is what you're exactly doing. Once they hear the reassuring words, they begin to breathe more freely. This is what it is about. Your loving touch and your caring presence starts to heal hearts. 

The problem is that most of us are afraid to express our hurt feelings, and we may work very hard to keep them at bay. Worse than that, we may not even be in touch with our emotions. But again, as we've said multiple times already, “we must feel in order to heal”, and the more that we demonstrate our willingness to be authentic, the more likely our children will be able to open up and share their hearts with us. Of course, we're not saying that we should dump our issues on our children, we simply need to do our own work independently of them. Now, to check if you are overly involved in your child's life, there are three main pointers: 1. Your child's SSA or gender dysphoria determines how you feel on a minute-by-minute, day-by-day basis; 2. your preoccupation with your child's SSA or gender dysphoria causes you to neglect other people and activities in your life; and 3. you act like a detective trying to find out about your child's every move, looking and listening for clues much of the time. If that is you, take a step back and reevaluate, stop obsessing for the love of God, do your work and surrender to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala. Your behavior, if that is the case, is only creating more tension. So please keep this in mind. 

Aadam  1:38:31
It's very common for parents to say something like, “Dear God, please take away our child's SSA or gender dysphoria.” Unfortunately, things don't work this way. It actually might be much better to say things like “God, please reveal to us the reasons our child experiences SSA or gender dysphoria”, or “Allah, please help us through this, we cannot do this alone. Please show us the purpose of this issue. Please give possible strength and guidance to make it through today and every day, please show us how we can help our child heal and grow. Reveal to us the best ways that we can love them and take care of them. Allow us to make amends and to grow stronger in Your love and each other's love.” This is a trial for all of you, and there are lessons to be learned. You can either let your ego take the steering wheel, or you can humble yourself and be open to learning, growing and healing yourself and your family, inshaAllah. The key difference between the first du’aa and the one I just went through there is that the second set is inquisitive, it’s curious, it's seeking specific aid from Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala. Typically, those are the prayers that are most effective, in particular, in this situation. We know that this is not an issue that you can switch on and off, subhan Allah. So, there's much that we need to learn and go through, and Allah, in His wisdom, has put that trial before us. We need to get in touch with Allah and rebuild our spiritual lives. 

Waheed  1:40:03
Exactly, and actually like part of the humility is, as you said, realizing that Allah has a wisdom in His decisions, and so instead of saying, “Ya Rabb, please take this away from us” - it's like rejecting Allah's wisdom - we say “Ya Rabb, show us the wisdom behind everything, so that we can actually learn and grow in the process, and give us strength to fulfill Your plans in the best ways possible.” There is a huge difference between the two, subhan Allah. 

Aadam  1:40:27
Yeah. Subhan Allah. So, again, this is part and parcel of the healing journey for ourselves as well as our loved ones. Ask Allah for strength, for love and wisdom that you need to help yourself and your family and your child, as well as yourself, because as we've said before, this is very much a family affair. Everybody needs to grow in this together. Richard Cohen says in his book, “What was born out of broken relationships can and must be healed in healthy relationships.” It's necessary for you to experience love and comfort from Allah. If your relationship with God is not as it used to be, or perhaps isn't existent, or whatever the case might be, there's always a chance to reconnect with Him, to repent and to start afresh. 

You cannot give what you do not experience. If you don't feel love for yourself, you won't be able to genuinely love other people. So, we encourage you to take all of your own confusion and painful feelings and hand them over to Allah. Fight, scream, cry, and beg for mercy, and understand that you must seek Him and His guidance with all of your heart, with all of your soul, and all of your mind, and don't stop until you have received the love and wisdom and direction that you need. Repent for your sins and reestablish your relationship with Allah, through prayer, through du’aa, through dhikr (remembrance), through sadaqah (giving charity), and getting to know Allah genuinely. A book that we would recommend highly that will, without a doubt, inshaAllah, help you in this is Secrets of Divine Love, and we'll link to it in the episode description. I think I can speak for both of us by saying it's been a book that transformed our relationships with Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala in the most wonderful ways, and we make du’aa that that happens with you. 

And just on this topic, subhan Allah, this experience of dealing with SSA and gender dysphoria with your loved one might be the very thing that is necessary to actually bring you closer to Allah and to move to the next level, whatever that might be. So, this has been true for so many of us in the community, it has been the thing that's drawn us to Him. Subhan Allah. So where others might look at it with dismay or shame or whatever, you know, subhan Allah, when we really think about it, ultimately, we've actually come out winners, because it's been the thing that's drawn us to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala. So, yeah, I thought I'd just mention that, because that might be exactly what's happening with some of you that are listening. 

Waheed  1:43:09
Absolutely, Jazak Allah khairan, beautifully said, I couldn't agree more, subhan Allah. Yeah, 100%. And another thing to point out for parents and siblings and family members is, please know that you're not being punished. Although it might actually feel this way at times. This is not a curse, it's not a stroke of bad luck, it's not a disaster or a bad omen or whatever you want to call it. Ultimately, as Aadam was saying, you will find the good in this situation, inshaAllah. There are so many blessings in this, and we can testify to that. It is through pain that we come to grips with our own humanity and weaknesses and we connect to God. This may be one of the times in which difficult things happen so that Allah manifests Himself in your life, and for you to reconnect with Him. As Aadam was saying, please rise to the occasion and realize that you are not meant to handle this on your own. As we said, please make sure that you pray for your child on a daily basis. Ask Allah to allow your child to experience His love, to experience the fullness of their own gender identity, to bring healthy people in their lives that would lead them into healing and fulfillment - the right mentors, the right friends, the right support system, to give them true and unconditional love, and to help them understand their situation, their histories, and to achieve healing and growth. 

Also, something very important that needs to be said - on a subconscious level, children in their early developmental years associate the image of their father and their mother with the image of God. There are the masculine and the feminine qualities of Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, the Jalali and the Jamali aspects that we spoke about a lot during the podcast. If the father and the mother were loving and caring, the child will grow up to associate Allah with love and care. If they were harsh and shaming, then that is an internal image of Allah that the child will grow up with. It may be that your child has denied your spiritual beliefs or maybe rejected God or the Deen, and one reason might be because your child is detached already from you and has experienced negativity from you, as well as the fact that other people in our faith communities might be rejecting of that child him/herself. “Homosexuality is an abomination, gender dysphoria is a curse, the worst sin of all…” I mean, we've been through that, we've heard it countless times, right? Judgments from all over the place. 

Especially if your child is from a believing home, they may have struggled so much of their lives trying to reconcile their desires with their religion. And believe us, we have fully experienced that. And if they don't come to understand that God loves them unconditionally, they may have had to reject their faith in order to experience the smallest measure of self-worth. Because it's going to boil down to one thing, it's either I'm going to be with Allah or I'm going to follow my desires. The personal torment, coupled with the judgmental attitudes of many religious people, only compounds the detachment from God and perhaps even the Deen altogether. And for many children trying to be close to Allah, it only feels like pain and rejection. So please understand that there are psychological elements to this. So, if you keep this in mind, you won't expect your child to readily accept your prayers of blessings or your calling them to Allah and becoming more religious or what have you, right? 

If that is the case, if they are very hurt, it's going to take a long time for them to draw close to you. And no matter what, it's very important to be persistent and to never give up. Your child needs you even though they feel very angry and hurt. This is the underlying contradictory nature of SSA and all homosexual relationships. It's very ironic. It's like “I need you, but don't get too close. Please hold me in your arms, but no, it hurts too much. Hey, come back. I want to go away. Help me, I'm dying here! Someone rescue me! But just leave me alone.” It's these contradictions that are basically the underlying nature of all of this. 

Aadam  1:47:16
It's very important for you to pass on God's blessings, Allah's blessings, to each of your children, and pray for your sons and daughters when they depart, or in special occasions when they leave the house to go to school, or to college every day. Make du’aa for them, place your arms around their shoulders, lay your hand on their head or embrace them, hug them and kiss them and so on. And this time, children begin to associate the warmth of your touch with Allah’s love. You may use the Qur’an or Hadith or particular du’aas that you like, you know, say “Masha Allah” as you praise your child's natural talents and abilities and character. Associate that with the blessings from Allah, remind your children of the meanings of their names, and the importance that they hold for you as well as the family lineage, and affirm God's plan for your children. Teach them about the love of Allah and His qualities, read books with them, read Secrets of Divine Love together perhaps, pray for them in their presence and in their absence. You can say things like “Your talents remind me of this Sahabi (Companion) of the Prophet (PBUH) or of a specific prophet”, you know, “May Allah bless you like He blessed them”, and so on, all of these kinds of beautiful affirmations. 

Waheed  1:48:34
Absolutely. And the last thing we want to talk about today is to make sure that you maintain balance in your life, and this is very important. Do your best not to make your child's SSA or gender dysphoria the sole focus of your life. We know for a fact that it's possible to become totally absorbed and preoccupied with this issue. So, make it a priority for you to experience God's personal love, to take care of yourself, to maintain balance in your life, to go out and have some fun, because there's a life that is apart from your child's SSA or gender dysphoria. Take care of your marriage if you're married and so on. Love yourself, love your spouse, and you will have more love to offer to your children, especially to your child who experiences same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria. 

Aadam  1:49:20
This process of bonding with your loved one is going to require a lot of energy. Your love tank needs to be continually filled. So, it's very important you stop living in this state of worry, anger, guilt and fear and instead be filled with joy and love. Find peace in the moment. Do not get sucked into the SSA and gender dysphoria vacuum, feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, or being discouraged and consumed with worry, guilt and shame. You know, there may be a tendency to be obsessed with faults such as “What if so and so finds out?”, “What if he/she says that you must have been a lousy parent, why else would you have a child who's gay?”, “What if we lose contact with particular people?” “There's a scandal in the community”, all of these sorts of sentiments. You will need to choose very carefully those whom you share your child's situation with, because there's so much judgment and rejection by those who should be the most loving and understanding, and unfortunately, this is very true, especially in religious communities and our own Muslim communities. 

You may be quite exhausted and fed up from time to time, so this is worth repeating: Take time out for yourself, and go out and smell the roses and kick up your heels, play some games, have fun, nourish the relationship with your spouse, spend time with your friends, and remember, I said this before, this is a marathon, it's not a sprint. You might be working full time, so instead of putting in 60-hour weeks, you might take off a couple of hours per week and begin to actually devote extra time to learning more about these issues, about SSA, about healing, about gender dysphoria, reading, and all different kinds of resources, and consulting with the proper individuals, and to actually just spend time with your child as well, and being with them. You need to renew your spiritual life, as we've already touched on, and garner support from family and friends. And know that the healing process it takes time, and it may be that you require to make more time in your life for your loved one, for your child, for your sibling. Know that, eventually, inshaAllah, this does start to bear fruits. But it's something that you will need to persevere with. Be persistent, be consistent, and just not give up, even when it's difficult. 

Waheed  1:52:05
So, by now, you've probably come to the conclusion that you need to develop greater intimacy with your child, and then you release the child to Allah's care. The idea of immediate healing contradicts the process of human growth and development. So please don't be hasty and expect immediate results. Restoration of the heart and mind reverses the way that original wounding occurred, and all this takes a while. Therefore, it's important to listen to your child's story, to hear how he/she journeyed from struggling to becoming this person they are today, beginning with the present and working your way back to the past. You cannot expect to restore overnight or even in a few short months the years that the locust has eaten. (and this is a verse from Joel 2:25 in the Bible). You can't expect to restore overnight or even in a few short months the years that the locust has eaten, right? It took months and years to develop this, and it will take months and years to undo the damage. As Aadam was saying, in the meantime, you need to be patient with yourself with your spouse, and especially with your child, and give Allah the steering wheel and make prayer, call onto Him for His strength and wisdom and understanding, and most importantly, love. Do your best and trust Allah to take care of the rest. 

Aadam  1:53:23
And you know, just as we wrap up this episode, we'd like to leave you with a quote from Richard Cohen. He says in his book, “As painful as it is, you have been selected to end this cultural war by unconditionally loving your child.” So, remember, take things slowly, set small goals at first, and succeed small rather than fail. If you achieve success in one or two things, just add a couple of more steps to accomplish, and feel good about what you've achieved, about yourself and about your child in the process. The journey of healing as we've already said is as about the process, it’s not about the results. So you must do your best to try and be in the moment. Appreciate your child today, and do not withhold your affection as you wait for them to “change”. Change comes ever so slowly, and sometimes it's so slow that you can't even notice it. It's in the loving that we are all transformed. 

And remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Keep breathing, keep praying, keep laughing and crying, and pace yourself. Experience as much love as possible so that you can give from abundance and not out of guilt or fear. And one father said “It's all about love, being vulnerable, honest, transparent and seeing into the heart of your child.” To do that, you will have to face yourself over and over again. Through helping your child heal, you to be transformed. If you need them to change, most likely they will not. If you don't focus on change, most likely they will. Accept and love them as they are right now, and do your best, and Allah will do the rest, inshaAllah. You can get your child back - you might lose some battles, but, ultimately, with the power of Allah's love and His mercy, and the help of your family members and friends, you will win them back. Remember, love is the strongest medicine to heal, and Richard Cohen, in this context, says in his book, “Whoever loves the longest and the hardest wins.” 

Waheed  1:55:32
And with this, we have come to the end of today's episode, which has been all about personal healing, the first episode in our series for parents and family members. The focus of this episode has been all about you, your personal healing, focusing on you, and this is foundational before we talk about the remaining topics, inshaAllah. We hope that you found the content beneficial and practical, and once again, we have a lot of resources linked in the episode description so please make sure to check them out. Aadam and I look forward to talking to you, inshaAllah, in the next episode as we continue this series for parents and family members. Until then, stay safe and healthy. This has been Aadam Ali and Waheed Jensen in “A Way Beyond the Rainbow”, assalamu alaikom warahmatullahi ta’ala wabarakatuh.