This is part II of a 4-episode series dedicated to parents and family members of individuals experiencing gender nonconformity, same-sex attractions (SSA) and/or gender dysphoria (GD).
In this episode, Aadam and I discuss the notions of gender confusion in childhood and highlight important considerations for parents dealing with young boys and girls as well as adolescents experiencing gender nonconformity, SSA and/or GD. What are signs that my child or family member is experiencing gender identity confusion? What are some possible causes for this? When should I be worried? How can I replace cross-gender toys and clothes to which my child is attached with more gender-affirming toys and clothes without hurting his/her feelings? These and other relevant questions are explored in this episode.
References used in this episode:
- Gay Children, Straight Parents: A Plan for Family Healing by Richard Cohen
- A Parent's Guide To Preventing Homosexuality by Joseph Nicolosi and Linda Ames Nicolosi
This is part II of a 4-episode series dedicated to parents and family members of individuals experiencing gender nonconformity, same-sex attractions (SSA) and/or gender dysphoria (GD).
In this episode, Aadam and I discuss the notions of gender confusion in childhood and highlight important considerations for parents dealing with young boys and girls as well as adolescents experiencing gender nonconformity, SSA and/or GD. What are signs that my child or family member is experiencing gender identity confusion? What are some possible causes for this? When should I be worried? How can I replace cross-gender toys and clothes to which my child is attached with more gender-affirming toys and clothes without hurting his/her feelings? These and other relevant questions are explored in this episode.
References used in this episode:
- Gay Children, Straight Parents: A Plan for Family Healing by Richard Cohen
- A Parent's Guide To Preventing Homosexuality by Joseph Nicolosi and Linda Ames Nicolosi
Waheed 00:37
Assalamu alaikom warahmatullahi ta’ala wabaraktuh, and welcome to a new episode of “A Way Beyond the Rainbow”, this podcast series dedicated to Muslims experiencing same-sex attractions who want to live a life true to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala and Islam. I'm your host, Waheed Jensen, and thank you for joining us in today's episode, and joining me again as a co-host for this episode is my dear friend Aadam, assalamu alaikom, Aadam!
Aadam 00:59
Wa alaikom assalam. How are you, Waheed?
Waheed 01:01
I am doing well, alhamdulillah. How about you?
Aadam 01:04
Yeah, good. Thank you.
Waheed 01:06
We are so excited to be presenting this second episode in our series for parents and family members. And, as you guys remember, in the previous episode, we spoke about personal healing, that the first step to dealing with all of these issues is to start with your own self and see how you can work on yourself as a first step, as a foundational step, to relational healing and to community healing. And in this episode, inshaAllah, we will talk about foundations and concepts that are necessary for parents and family members to understand before we move on and talk about the practical steps and all of the measures that you can take to helping your children or your siblings or your relatives or friends, etc., who deal with same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria.
What we would like to request from you is, if you haven't yet listened to episodes seven and eight of the podcast, if you may take a pause right now and go back and listen to these episodes, because they are prerequisites to this episode in particular and the episodes to come. So, in episodes seven and eight, we spoke about the genesis of same-sex attractions - are there any genetic influences? Are there any predispositions? What about gender development and the gender identification stages for males and females? You know, these are important for parents to understand. The relationship with the father, the relationship with the mother, the relationship with siblings, if there are any siblings, the impact of narcissistic interactions on the child, if there were any peer wounds, social or cultural wounds, as well as any sexual abuse. In addition to episode seven and eight, in particular, for female same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria, it's important to go back to episode number 10, which tackles all of these concepts with regards to females in particular. So again, if you haven't listened to these episodes, please go back to them, listen to them, maybe read their transcripts, take notes as you see fit, whatever helps you, because they are important, the concepts presented there are very important to kind of lay the foundation for what is to come, inshaAllah.
Now, in this episode and the next two episodes, we will offer, inshaAllah, a lot of insights. And it depends on the age of your child. So there are lots of things that you can do to help. Whether your child or your sibling or your relative is in their formative years, maybe they're adolescents or young adults, or even if they're not there yet, meaning that you're expecting, you just want to kind of educate yourself on these topics, there is a lot to take in and a lot to unpack. Maybe you're concerned about your child and his/her sexual development in general, maybe your son or daughter came to you and is saying, “I must be gay” or “I'm bisexual”, “I am trans”, etc. Maybe you found like same-sex porn in their room, for example. Or maybe you came across intimate journal entries about maybe another girl who's in your daughter's classroom, for example, and you found that in your daughter's diary by accident, you know, whatever the situation is, there's so much to learn, inshaAllah.
But first, again, as we have emphasized before, you cannot help anyone if you cannot help yourself, right? Hence why we started this series of episodes with the previous episode where we spoke about personal healing and elaborated so much on it. Now, just to kind of give you an idea about the content of today's episode, we're going to be talking about young boys, young girls, we’ll talk about gender confusion, gender identity disorder, and we’ll move on to adolescence, inshaAllah. We'll talk about same-sex attractions as well as gender dysphoria. And as we said, today's episode is about important foundations and concepts in relational healing, with some practical advice, but then the bulk of the practical advice, inshaAllah, is going to come in the next episode. But this episode is very important to kind of lay the foundations for what is to come. So, let's get started, inshaAllah.
05:05
So, before we start diving into this, it's very important to keep something in mind, that gender identity deficit is the internal sense of feeling incomplete or inadequate about one's gender identity. So basically feeling inferior to other males (in the context of boys) or inferior to females (for girls). This is a common denominator to so many cases of same-sex attraction, which are on a spectrum, and the extreme of which would be gender dysphoria, which is a rejection of one's own gender and body. We will elaborate on this further in this episode, and we'll use terms interchangeably, so you might hear us say things like “gender confused”, “gender non-conforming”, “child with gender identity problems”, the manifestations of which vary across children and adolescents. So, all of these terms pretty much mean the same thing, and we'll use them interchangeably in this episode.
Dr. Joseph Nicolosi says in his book, A Parent's Guide to Preventing Homosexuality, “We cannot go along with people who-many of them within the mental health profession-say that each of us can "be whatever we want to be," in terms of gender identity or sexual orientation. They speak as if being gay or lesbian did not have the deepest consequences for us as individuals, for our culture, and for the human race. They speak as if our anatomy was in no way our destiny. They imply that when we help our children to grow more fully into the maleness or femaleness that is their created destiny, we are merely perpetuating outdated gender stereotypes. But the human race was designed male and female; there is no third gender. Furthermore, civilization has shown us that the natural human family (father, mother and children), with all its faults, is the best possible environment for the nurturing of future generations.”
And please check the episodes at the beginning of the seasons, i.e. episode 66 and 67, which discuss these notions and the socio-political driving factors and implications of this movement and of these ideas. And, once again, the focus of the content is to provide help and advice to educate and not to blame. Many parents are, unfortunately, misinformed, believing that nothing could be done to influence a child's gender and their sexual identity development, or to help their child once they “come out” of the closet. There's a shameful lack of accurate information from the mental health profession as well as warnings from teachers and counselors not to “traumatize your child”, but rather to “accept them for who he/she is.” But many parents, once they are given accurate advice, they quickly make changes and proceed enthusiastically toward helping their child develop a healthy gender identity and heal many of the wounds that may have contributed to a gender identity or sexuality problem.
Again, it's important to study the content of episodes seven and eight. Of course, the family models don't explain all forms of homosexuality in an absolute sense, but these findings are quite common. Understanding that gender nonconformity is the single most common observable factor associated with the development of SSA, and understanding the importance of each parent’s role in the life of the boy or the girl. Learn about the different needs and scenarios and gauge dependingly. Parents, particularly fathers, can best affirm their sons’ weak masculine gender identity while it's still in the formative stage.
Waheed 08:35
Right, and we'll talk more about this, inshaAllah, in this episode and in the next episode, and how to go about doing that. Keep in mind the critical phase of gender development, which is between the ages of one-and-a-half and three years of age, and we talked about this, we elaborated a lot back in episode seven about this concept, that there's this separation-individuation phase, which happens in the life of the child during that age, where the autonomous self is developed, and that's where the gender identity phase of masculine identification for the boy also takes place. So, these two phases occur at about the same time, right? When the child is between one-and-a-half to three years of age, their sense of gender awareness starts to develop, and they want to separate and individuate as a separate entity from the caregiver, right? The child's sense of gender awareness is a very important aspect of their identity formation, because it's through gender that we grow to understand who we are in relation to other people. We understand our place within the natural dichotomy that Allah created of male/female in this universe, that we're able to create an organized view of ourselves in this world.
So, when parents intervene in a healthy and age-appropriate manner, this can lead to an increase in the child's gender esteem. It prevents the sense of male inferiority and alienation from the world of men that so many “homosexual” men describe. You know, the idea is to prevent the boy from detaching from his normal maleness and to encourage him to claim the masculine identity for which he was designed, not to somehow mold him into this caricature of a macho man, because this may not be who he is, and that is okay not to be that way. But to allow him or help him develop into his own maleness within the context of the personality characteristics with which he was born, and which Allah gave him. And the same, of course, goes to the female, the same applies to her, to increase the girl’s gender esteem, to invite her to embrace her femininity, to address maybe her fears of masculinity, if she has any, depending on her individual context, and we'll elaborate on this, inshaAllah, in these episodes.
Now, Aadam and I are going to go through a series of questions, and consider this checklist for you. This is a list of questions for parents who suspect that maybe their son or daughter, or maybe your siblings, or relatives, may be gender confused. They have a problem with their gender identity. Reflect on the following questions, and maybe discuss them with your spouse, and, if possible, with a qualified therapist. And, again, this list is not comprehensive, but it does provide you with an important starting point to kind of just evaluate where things are in your life. So maybe bring a pen and a piece of paper and just kind of jot down any ideas that come to mind and discuss them with your significant other or your therapist.
So, one question is, is your son or daughter markedly gender atypical? What do we mean by that - Do they display gender atypical mannerisms or gender atypical interests? Are they interested in the gender atypical dress or toys and play? So, for example, if the boy adopts the mannerisms of females in his vicinity, has interests in a lot of what females do, dresses up like a female, puts on makeup, plays with dolls all the time, or most of the time. And the opposite goes for girls, are they adopting masculine mannerisms? Are they interested in only what boys do? Do they only wear what boys wear? Do they play with boys’ toys and video games all the time, and they're not interested in girls’ toys and dress. This is one thing to keep in mind.
Another thing is, does your daughter or son reject their sexual anatomy? Meaning, do they show any signs of hating their own genitalia? Do they try to hide their genitalia? Do they assume cross-sex genitalia or body figures? This is another thing to keep in mind.
Aadam 12:43
Yeah, and then the next one is: Does the boy go to his father with questions or ask his father to do things with him? Does he show dad or his father figure his toys, games, activities that he's engaged in, his schoolwork, etc.? Or does he prefer to go to mom? And does he have a warm and comfy relationship with dad and “doing boy things” with dad? And then, again, the opposite is true for girls. So, does the girl go to her mother with questions? Does she ask her mother to do things with her? Does she show mom her toys, games, and activities? Or does she prefer to go to dad? And does she have a warm, comfortable relationship with mom? Does she enjoy doing “girl things” with her mom?
And a good test of the early father-son bond is: Who does the little boy run to when he's happy, proud of something that he's accomplished or looking for encouragement, or seeking fun and excitement? And again, the same is true for girls.
Waheed 13:42
Exactly. And this should give you an idea about who that child is bonded to more, in terms of father or mother.
Aadam 13:49
Exactly. Yeah. And then the next one is: To what extent does your child interact and relate comfortably with same-sex peers? So son with boys and daughter with other girls, which is important because it reveals sort of how comfortable they are with their peers, basically their same-sex peers, and by extension, their gender.
Waheed 14:13
Absolutely. Another question to keep in mind, does your daughter adamantly reject the possibility that she will grow up to be married, for example, and have children someday? Does she display any kind of rejection of that notion? That's one thing to keep in mind, for example.
Another thing is, how early and how often have you observed any of the following behaviors - for example, your boy dressing up like a girl, refusing to wear boy clothes; or the girl dressing up like a boy, refusing any of her own clothes, for example? How early or how often have you observed opposite-sex gestures and mannerisms, including, for example, voice inflections. All of these are important to keep in mind when it comes to your children (or siblings if you're considering siblings in that case).
But when it comes to parents, moms and dads, ask yourself these questions: What is my relationship with my spouse like? Is it stable or unstable? Is it loving and caring, or is there a lot of animosity? You know, describe that as much as you can. And then how do you feel about your daughter's femininity or your son's masculinity? Do you feel threatened by that? Do you feel jealous? Do you feel uneasy? Do you feel neutral? Or are you accepting and encouraging and nourishing of that?
And another question is, how do you encourage and support and reflect the expression of your daughter's developing womanhood and your son’s developing manhood? How do you do that in terms of what are the things that you say? Do you give any affirmations or positive messages? What are the actions that you take in order to encourage and support and allow that expression to take place? Think about that. And then another thing would be, what is your attitude towards your daughter's relationship with her father? So here, we're talking about the opposite-sex paren. What is your attitude towards your daughter's relationship with her father or your son's relationship with his mother? Again, do you feel threatened or jealous or uneasy? Neutral? Or are you accepting and encouraging and nourishing of that? And be as honest as possible.
Aadam 16:20
Yeah, and if we just continue down those questions, you could ask, “Do I feel threatened by my husband's attention to my daughter, and my wife's attention to my son?” Again, along those same lines of thinking. “Do my husband and daughter seem to have a special relationship that stirs negative or uneasy feelings in me?” “Does my wife and son seem to have a special relationship that stirs negative or uneasy feelings in me?” “Do I feel envious or competitive regarding their relationship?”
I know these are difficult questions to ask, so be patient with yourself in answering them, and take care of yourself. And other questions include, you know, “Do my husband and daughter, or wife and son, make me feel left out?” Are you included in the activities? Or do you feel like when they're having fun, you're not part of it. You feel like maybe you're on outside often. And “Would it be helpful for me to talk to a qualified professional psychotherapist about these issues, specifically, and about family relationships in general?” And that's an important question to ask, especially if you feel like this stirs a lot of emotions inside of you. It can be helpful to consider that.
Waheed 17:44
For sure. Absolutely. So, this was the list of questions. Again, they're not comprehensive in any way. But they kind of give you an idea about all of these dynamics and allow you to kind of do a little bit of introspection when it comes to yourself as well as the dynamics within your family system. Now, concerned parents should give immediate and serious evaluation to the relationship of a gender confused girl with her mother, or a gender confused boy with his father. The same-sex parent, this relationship is very important. This is true if the child displays outright symptoms of gender disturbance, like opposite-sex mannerisms, dress, toys, interests, etc. But it is also true if their gender nonconformity is less explicit, and it is accompanied by a hostile or conflicted relationship with the same-sex parent, which is something that usually tends to happen in a lot of cases. And we'll elaborate more on that, inshaAllah, as we go along.
Now, what is important to understand is that the onset of most of the cross-gender behavior that tends to happen occurs during the preschool years. So, we're talking here about the ages of two to four years, and cross-dressing is usually one of the first signs. I reject the clothing of my own gender, I try to put on the clothes of the opposite gender. Of course, you know, for most gender conflicted boys, the signs of early homosexual development, or the development of same-sex attractions, are going to be more subtle, right? They're going to show a reluctance to play with other boys. They're going to be afraid of the sort of rough and tumble play, they're going to be shy about being naked in the presence of other males, for example, but not when they're in the presence of other females. They're going to be showing a lack of comfort with and attachment to the father, and perhaps they're going to be overly attached to their mother.
As for girls, many of them would refuse to play with girls, they would refuse to engage in typical feminine behaviors and play, like dressing up or playing with dolls and having tea parties. They wouldn’t want to do that. But they would prefer the rough and tumble play, right? They would be more identified, for example, with the father, or they might reject the mother or the mother figure. They might be protective of their mother too much. And we'll talk more about this, but if you have listened to episode 10, you would have probably understood the dynamics of all of that. Now, all in all, what we're trying to say is that many of these boys and girls never developed a stable sense of either their own self or their gender.
Aadam 20:27
And many parents have been aware that there was a problem for quite a while for quite some time, sometimes for years before seeking professional advice. Reacting to their son’s effeminacy or daughter’s chronic masculine behaviors, most parents demonstrate three predictable phases, which we'll go through.
So, the first one is denial, and parents may often say to themselves, “You know, t's just a phase, he/she will probably outgrow it”, they might say things like, “It's no big deal, you know, he looks so cute. He's just trying to get attention when he dresses up like a little girl.” Of course, this denial stems in part from the fact that our culture has made it very hard for parents to determine what gender development is normal and what is not, and what's worth worrying about and what's not. And to make it worse, as we'll soon see, many parents, through their lack of action, inadvertently reinforce the way their child is behaving. So then this, in turn, creates even more denial. And then the question is: Does a normal little boy sometimes act like a little girl? The answer is, a certain amount of cross-gender play is tolerable. However, if your son does not give it up quickly, you'll need to take a look at not only his behavior but also at your own.
And the second phase that parents often exhibit is confusion. So, parents might often say, “This is part of the culture, there are cultural reasons for his confusion”, and when parents become worried about the kid’s obsession with cross-gender interests and behaviors, even when consulting teachers or counselors nowadays, they'd be like, “Don't worry, it's perfectly healthy, he's getting in touch with his feminine side, don't intervene. What he's doing is in no way a problem, you don't want your son to be a stereotyped macho man, do you?” So, this kind of notion of toxic masculinity comes in, which is like sort of misplaced in the context.
And then the third phase is avoidance. Many parents who do finally consult a psychologist have been worried about their sons or daughters for months, and many of them for years, but they've not really done anything about it. They just postpone, they'll say things like, “We thought it was attention-seeking behavior, and that we should just ignored it.” To the contrary, parents typically do notice the behavior but don't interfere or discourage it, thus implying that the child has their approval. So, this is very important, not doing anything is the same almost as saying that's okay behavior. For children, they don't know any different. Some parents do, in fact, wonder if by trying to intervene, they will be disrupting something that's normal for this particular child, which would mean they were infringing on their child's personality or individuality. And this is something, again, that we’ve touched on before, like “let them be the way they are”, all of these types of modern ideas and concepts. A troubled child may either intimidate his parents or evoke sympathy from them. So, one mother was quite pleased to see her son so happy dressing up and “playing pretend”: “I don't want to hurt his feelings. He seems so crushed when I ask him to give away his Barbie dolls, I just can't do it.”
Waheed 23:40
Absolutely. Yeah. And it's very important for mothers, in particular, as Aadam was saying, they need to understand that they can actively discourage any distortions about gender such as cross-gender behavior or mannerisms and interests and whatever without rejecting the boy himself, or the girl herself. It's not a matter of rejection, and this is what we need to understand. It's about offering adult guidance to prepare the boy or the girl for a life in a gendered world, the world to which their anatomy has destined them to be there for. And it's important for mothers, in particular, and parents in general, to kind of refuse to participate in the distortions surrounding males and masculinity, especially in today's world. This is more and more challenging, especially in this time and age where the basic notions of male and female gender, all of these are being deconstructed and, subhanAllah, we’re living in what’s becoming more and more of a genderless world that's affecting language, our perceptions and our daily undertakings. Anyway, what we're trying to say is, it's not about rejecting the person, but you can actually play an active role in kind of correcting these misconceptions, and to lovingly support your child in embracing their own gender identity. And, again, we'll talk more about this, inshaAllah, with practical details.
One thing to also talk about, which we've talked about way back when, in episode seven in particular, is that there might be narcissistic relationships between the mother, for example, and her son, such that there's a relationship which involves blurring of boundaries, that the boy is not able to clarify his own individual identity, there's kind of what they call an “intimate, symbiotic relationship”. The mother-son bond is very strong, the mother does whatever she can to not interrupt that bond. The longer the profound “symbiotic relationship” continues, the more feminine the boy is going to be. Of course, a mother who is upset by a boy's normal and rowdy behavior, and who reacts by encouraging him to be more passive and dependent, even though the boy's real need is to become independent, you know, this mother, what she’s doing is putting her own needs before those of her own son. And we realize that us saying this may be, to some of the listeners, triggering, or this might be putting a spotlight on you. Please realize, again, we're not blaming you, we realize that we're all kind of dealing with our own issues in life. But if this is what's happening, then we need to fix it, right?
It can be painful for a lot of parents to hear from their counselor, or their support system, or even listening to this episode, that one of them might be an “over-involved mother” or a “distant father”, and, again, if you went through the season one episodes and these episodes as well, you should remember first that we all make mistakes as humans. As parents, everyone makes mistakes. And secondly, it's very important to also realize that personality limitations may have had a little effect on one child in the family, but we might be shocked when we realize that they have had detrimental effects on the next child, for example. And it's also important to realize that how we relate to our children typically reflects the types of relationships that we ourselves have had with our parents, because it's the same dynamics that we repeat. So, we hope that you will not feel blamed, but you will, instead, focus on opening up your heart and mind to considering how you might or might not fit to some degree into this parental model.
We acknowledge that the vast majority of parents are well intentioned, they're loving, and they want what is best for their children. And, you know, subhan Allah, one of the nice things about this healing and recovery work is that you're not only helping your child or the person that you care about, but you're also helping yourself, because there's so much to learn about healing your own wounds and overcoming your own personal traumas and issues, that you may have not had the chance to actually discover, had you not had a child who's dealing with, let's say, same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria or what have you. So, this is a blessing in disguise, if you actually look at it in this way.
Again, you know, please don't blame yourself and despair, as we have said, so many factors may have led to your child developing same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria. So please do not take the attitude that all of that falls on your shoulders. Your child's or sibling’s sexual and gender identity are shaped by so many factors, including peer influences, their own temperament, the choices that they made, perhaps maybe if they've had any experiences of sexual abuse, let's say, and sometimes even biological factors that have influenced their gender nonconformity. There’s cultural influences as well that they reinforce your children's developing attitudes, and, particularly, as we said, you know, the culture that we live in nowadays does not reinforce a healthy appreciation of growing more deeply into one's gender. So just keep all of this in mind, inshaAllah.
Aadam 29:05
Remember, for young boys, there's a defensive detachment from the world of men. So, what we mean by this is that given that the father was not salient (i.e. strong and benevolent), the boy felt uninvited into the world of men, on the outside looking in. If the father wasn't there, there was probably no other male figure to compensate. And defensive detachment, which we spoke about back in episode seven, where the son detaches from the male role model to protect himself (as the term describes), it becomes more apparent when the boy enters the latency period and is about five to 12 years-old. He's typically fearful and cautious toward other boys his age, staying close to his mother and perhaps grandmother, aunts, or older sisters even, he becomes the “kitchen window boy” who looks out at his peers playing aggressively and, what appears to him, dangerously. He's attracted to the other boys; at the same time, he’s frightened of what they're doing. The defensive detachment emotionally isolates him from other males and from his own masculinity; females are familiar, whereas males are mysterious.
Then, when sexual needs begin to seek expression in early adolescence, it's understandable that the direction of such a young man's sexual interests will be away from what's familiar and toward the unapproachable. We don't sexualize what we're familiar with, and that's very important to understand. Many fathers had or have the inability to or unwillingness to counter their son’s defensive detachment and to reengage them back into the masculine sphere.
Beyond that categorization, fathers appear to fall into three broad personality categories according to Nicolosi. The first is immature. Such men are basically normal and healthy. However, during the critical development period - the part where the child goes through the gender identity phase of his life - they were over extended and failed to see the consequences. Often these were young men who had become fathers too soon and found themselves overwhelmed with marital, family or financial burdens, and, as a result, their temperamentally vulnerable sons, if they had such sons, paid a price.
The second is narcissistic. So even a basically healthy man may have narcissistic personality features. But in the most extreme case of narcissism, a man sees his son as an extension of himself, as a “narcissistic self-object”, if you will, and he uses the boy to fulfill his own needs. The father acknowledges the boy only when he exhibits an attractive trait, appearance, a skill or a personality type that the father personally values. If the boy has such traits, the father will put him on a pedestal and treat the boy like he can do no wrong. And if he lacks these traits, the boy, in effect, does not exist within the family. Such a father typically denies any responsibility for his son's problems. This is the most resistant type of father when confronted, and he's unlikely to cooperate in any kind of therapy or intervention setting.
And the third is inadequate. These fathers may be great providers and thoroughly competent in the working world, but they generally are emotionally limited on an intimate social level, and have little to give to another person. They don't have the emotional resources to reach beyond themselves. So, unlike narcissistic fathers who deny responsibility, these men may readily admit their failures and express remorse, but then, no improvement takes place in the father-son relationship on a consistent basis. After a brief and often well-intentioned effort on the part of this father to comply, the relationship remains essentially unchanged. Emotionally limited fathers are genuinely dependent upon others, particularly their wives to interpret social situations and tell them the right way to respond. On their own, they are unable to sustain a long-term commitment to remain involved and help their sons change. As a whole, these fathers could be characterized as emotionally avoidant. Exploration of their histories revealed that they typically had poor relationships with their own fathers, and they tended to defer to the wives in emotional matters and appeared particularly dependent on them to be their guides, interpreters, and spokespersons.
All in all, whether the father belongs to any of these types or doesn't, it's probable that he hasn't been a salient figure, i.e. a strong and benevolent figure, for the male child to identify with them. Again, just to elaborate on salient - salient is showing strength, so being strong, and benevolent, and both of these character traits have to be expressed in this context. Again, this has been covered in episode seven in detail, so you can check that out if you want to go back and learn more. And you can see what resonates with you, or if you're a mom, you can know to what extent you can see this applies to your own husband, for example. And, again, there's no blame here. We all need to learn to help ourselves and our loved ones. All of this information might be very difficult to hear and digest, but if it's the truth, then we have to find a way to wrap our head around this and try and start taking action to help our kids.
We do find fathers who are perfectly capable of being in tune with their sons once they recognize there's a problem, and are willing to participate and take an active role in the healing process, which is great. This requires a father to recognize the problem, honestly reevaluate his own parental role, and then actively and consistently participate in his son's healthy future development. You know, needless to say, for boys with cooperative concerned dads, healthy change is much more likely. Many fathers of gender confused sons simply give up and leave the boy to his mother. This is a big, big mistake.
Speaking to the dads: Do not let your son reject you and turn you away! Your task is to pursue your son, push through his defensive detachment, and with steady and consistent efforts, to become an important person in his life. Make it your goal to heal the hurt he may have received from you at one time or another without you knowing how or understanding why. Rebuild the trust that was broken, even if you're not sure when, how or why the relationship failed. The primary measure of your son's healing will be his level of responsiveness to you. When parents report that their son now runs up to Daddy when he comes back home from work, then a huge shift has been accomplished. Now, we simply need to reinforce and build upon that good relationship. Of course, we will talk a lot more about practical steps in the next episode. But for now, please, please keep this in mind.
Waheed 36:03
Now, what about young girls? So, for girls, if you go back to episode 10, we elaborated a lot on this. So, for a girl who may have gender dysphoria or same-sex attractions, there is an inherent sense that femininity is undesirable or unsafe. Maybe the mother was a negative identification object, as they say. So, what do we mean by a mother being a “negative identification object”? Maybe the mother was very narcissistic or controlling. Maybe the mother forced the girl into rigid and stereotyped behaviors. So that led the girl to kind of not want to identify with the mother. Or maybe the mother was a weak identification object, so maybe the mother was depressed or abused or inadequate in the eyes of the girl. Maybe she was emotionally unavailable. And so, all of this leads to the girl feeling a sense of insecurity in her own femininity. And many mothers of females with same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria are generally immature, maybe emotionally fragile, they might be aloof from the needs of their daughters, they did not treat their daughters as whole, and as separate persons, but maybe as narcissistic extensions of themselves - again, going back to that narcissistic model. And, as such, if that's the case, the daughters were expected to fulfill the mothers’ own needs, if that was the dynamic that was happening. As a result, regardless, whatever the dynamics that were going on, the girl never developed a stable sense of herself or her gender.
Now, there might be an added layer to that, which is if any abuse or molestation happened by a male in the life of the girl, so the female feels unsafe in her own self, or that males themselves/masculinity is unsafe. And so a lot of them would find solace with women and not men later on. Or maybe some of them would take on the characteristics of men, because they perceive that women are inherently much weaker, right? So, we can see that it's a bit more complex than male same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria. Some girls, for example, they find that their dad or their male siblings were stronger, they were more charismatic than their “weak mothers”, and so they wanted to become more like them. If the dad was emotionally unavailable (as a girl), “I'll do the things that he likes and put on his mannerisms to attract his attention”, this could be another kind of dynamic that's happening. In other cases, maybe dad was ruthless, and he was abusive, he was a tyrant and mom was weak, and so “I needed to be more like dad in order to stand up to him and to protect my mom”, which is actually a phenomenon that Freud called the “identification with the aggressor”, which is quite common, and it's a primitive psychological survival mechanism that is equivalent of saying, you know, “If someone hurts me, I will be like he is, so I won't get hurt, and I'll be the one in charge.”
Some girls with SSA or gender dysphoria were not connected that much with their moms, they never understood each other, while others, on the other hand, were completely engulfed and enmeshed with their moms in a kind of a codependent relationship. Some of them had to take on the caretaker role, taking care of the weak mother figure and other siblings if there were any other siblings, kind of resenting passivity, feeling overwhelmed and drained, and not wanting this victim status of the mother in the process. Again, we discussed all of this in detail in episode 10, but this is kind of a recap of some of the major themes that are necessary to understand all of these dynamics.
So, what we're trying to say is that male homosexuality or same-sex attractions kind of follow a relatively predictable developmental pattern more or less, but female homosexuality is less predictable and it's more likely to alternate, even during a woman's lifetime; a lot of people would report like periods of heterosexuality with homosexuality for women. And you know, when we want to talk about it politically, like a lot of lesbians would believe that their sexuality is a choice that they made as an “outgrowth of their feminist political interests”, like feminism and anti-patriarchy and so on. But again, you know, the most common pathway to lesbianism or female same-sex attraction is a life situation that creates a deeply ambivalent attitude towards femininity, which kind of conveys the internal message that “it's not safe or desirable to be a woman”, and the same goes for a lot of cases of female gender dysphoria as well.
Now, common signs for females experiencing gender confusion or gender identity issues is the lack of interest in playing with their dolls or in the usual games of the family, they have a marked aversion towards normative feminine clothing. Again, we're not talking about a girl preferring to play with male toys every now and then; we're talking about this aversion, this hatred towards feminine clothing, this hatred and lack of interest to play with girls’ toys. A very strong indication of concern is when a girl rejects urinating while sitting and insists on standing up while urinating. That's kind of an extreme example, but it does happen. Other cases of serious concern would be that she would assert that she has or will grow a penis, for example, or, in older girls, for example, that she does not want to grow breasts or menstruate, and she starts rejecting the changes in her anatomy around puberty. Here, you might think more of a borderline gender dysphoria or a severe gender identity confusion.
Statistically, there are fewer gender disturbed girls than boys, meaning we have less “tomboys” compared to effeminate boys. Boyish girls, so to speak, do not attract the same degree of concern as “sissy boys”, because girls are allowed much more latitude in our culture for a wide range of gender nonconformity, while effeminate boys have been and continue to be actually rejected and marginalized. So, the girl must display more extreme cross-gender behavior than the boy for the parents to actually start detecting red flags, for example. And another issue is that tomboyish behavior in girls is in reality, in a lot of cases, a passing phase, while any effeminate behavior in boys usually is not a passing phase. And many girls will normally engage in or even prefer masculine activities during their childhood years while still maintaining a basic feminine identity. And this is kind of the litmus test for you, like, is my daughter rejecting femininity altogether, rejecting that she's a girl and identifying completely with the opposite sex? Or does she maintain a basic feminine identity while maybe having some cross-gender interests which are okay? And later, such girls will expand their feminine interests as they approach adolescent years, and that would be a passing phase. So, this is kind of, you know, a differentiation between the two.
And there's a book called The Magic Years: Understanding and Handling the Problems of Early Childhood by Dr. Salma Fraiberg, and we're quoting from her, she says, “It is only when the personality of a girl is dominated by masculine tendencies, and femininity is repudiated, that we need to feel some concern for the future development of the child.” So that kind of puts things in context. And then, for a small percentage of girls, tomboyish behavior and the rejection of their femininity continues through adolescence, and such girls are more likely to identify as lesbian or transsexual.
44:01
Keeping everything that Aadam and I spoke about so far, in this episode, you can think of a spectrum of gender identity confusion. There are gender nonconforming boys and girls, they prefer opposite-sex company, opposite-sex activities, they have same-sex peer problems. So those are, in general, gender nonconforming boys and girls. And there is more profound gender nonconformity with boys and girls who have gender identity confusion or gender identity disorder, so they have cross-gender mannerisms, you know, an effeminate boy or a very tomboyish girl. And then there's the extreme cases of complete identification with the opposite gender and the rejection of one's gender and body. So, all of these categories are in conflict, they all have in common this conflict about claiming their appropriate gender, and all of these conditions lay the groundwork for a “homosexual” outcome. Then the most extreme cases have a high likelihood of transsexualism later on.
Now, how do we know if a child has a gender identity disorder? signs and symptoms are outlined in the DSM-5, which is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, and they include a marked incongruence between one's psychological gender and their biological sex, and they say it's at least six months in duration, and it's manifested by at least six of the following (and I'm just going to go through them quickly):
· A strong desire to be of the other gender or an insistence that one is the other gender (this criterion is a must)
· A strong preference for wearing clothes typical of the opposite gender
· A strong preference for cross-gender roles in make-believe play or fantasy play
· A strong preference for the toys, games or activities stereotypically used or engaged in by the other gender
· A strong preference for playmates of the other gender
· A strong rejection of toys, games and activities typical of one's assigned gender
· A strong dislike of one's sexual anatomy
· A strong desire for the physical sex characteristics that match one's experienced gender.
And the condition is associated with clinically significant distress or impairment in social, school or other important areas of functioning. Now, this is when it comes to children who have gender identity disorder. When it comes to adolescents or young adults, we have already covered this in the series on gender dysphoria and transgenderism, so feel free to get back to that in order to understand that whole notion, inshaAllah.
Aadam 46:39
You might be, as a parent, sibling, or loved one, asking yourself the question, “When should I be worried with regards to my child's cross-gender interests, their mannerisms, clothing…?” and everything else that we've discussed - the short answer is when it's a chronic issue. So, in other words, it's obsessive and it's not a passing thing. So, if we elaborate, we'd say don't worry about the rare occasions of cross dressing; you should become concerned when your little boy continues doing so, and at the same time, begins to acquire some other alarming habits. So, for example, using the mother's makeup, avoiding other boys in the neighborhood and their play activities, and prefers being with his sisters instead, or with girls, regularly joining them in their play with dolls and doll houses. Later, he may start speaking in a high-pitched voice, he may affect the exaggerated gestures, even the walk of a girl, or become fascinated with long hair, earrings and scarves. Feminine things may take on a special interest for him, even to the point of the obsession. When asked to draw a person, the gender confused boy will almost always draw a female first, and only after that perhaps he might draw a male. His drawing of a girl or women will usually be rendered in bright colors, particularly pinks and red, with a great detail and in a large size, and then his drawings of males, the subjects are small, drab and thin, and often stick figures. These drawings represent the boy’s perception of reality: Women are exciting, powerful and alluring, while males - and this usually includes dad - are weak, uninteresting or even negative figures. And the reverse is true for female cases.
The boy may deny his own maleness and feel a disconnection or even revulsion towards his own male genitalia. Some gender identity disordered boys actually insist that they're girls – the exact opposite to girls with gender identity disorder; they hate makeup, they play with other boys, they hate playing with girls, they hate dolls and girls’ toys, and they prefer boys’ toys, they adopt the mannerisms of boys, they wear boys clothes, etc., and it's a chronic persistent issue.
If you contrast that with other kids, so from about the age of six to 11, boys especially give up their close opposite sex pals. So, they'll say things like, “I hate girls!”, the boys will say, “They're dumb, we don't want them in our club!” and girls may say “Boys are so sickening!” Such children will, for a time, become very rigid and stereotypical in their gender roles, and this isn't sexism. In fact, it's part of the healthy and normal gender identification process, which we should underline! What's happening is that these healthy boys and girls are solidifying their gender identity, and, in order to do that, they need to surround themselves with same-sex close friends. And, this way, they will finally establish their newly acquired sense of “boyness” or “girlness”, and this is an important prerequisite before they can reach out later in adolescence to the opposite sex. During this important developmental period, the opposite sex becomes mysterious, and this lays the foundation for the opposite sex future erotic and romantic attractiveness. If you remember, we've said this in past episodes, we become romantically attracted to the “other than me”. Therefore, a period of exaggerated same-sex association seems to be a necessary phase in the developmental process of deepening and clarifying our normal gender identity.
And then, by the teenage years, the tables turn. So by now, the normally developing boy has begun to be attracted to girls. They're not so unimportant now, they’re suddenly much more interesting, difficult to understand, even romantically mysterious - referring back to episode seven where we talked about how “the exotic becomes erotic”, and that's what's happening here. And then with boys and girls exhibiting gender confusion or problems with gender identity to different degrees, such observations don't usually happen.
Waheed 51:00
Right. And so, we end up kind of eroticizing what we don't know, and in the case of boys and girls with gender confusion, it's most likely the same-sex peers. That's the case.
Aadam 51:10
Exactly right. They've not had the chance to identify and fit into their same-gendered peer group.
“The gender-confused child does not truly feel an indifference to gender”, says psychiatrist Richard Fitzgibbons. More accurately, he is explicitly rejecting the gender that should be his own. Children with gender identity problems don't inhabit a gender-neutral world where boys and girls play with the same toys. These troubled children reject certain types of play and clothing precisely because they are associated with their own gender, and they adopt activities because they are associated in their mind with the opposite sex.
So, boys with serious gender identity problems may use female clothing to gain acceptance or soothe anxiety, and they become angry and upset when deprived of these objects. Some parents may ask like “What's wrong with a boy playing with dolls?” And the answer is that the problem is as much what he is not doing - learning how to be a boy amongst boys - as what he is doing, which is escaping into a female world. At school and with other boys, you might see that they have a fear of sports and other boys’ aggression, which sets the stage for a week masculine identity. It can be an outgrowth of weak eye-hand coordination, which results in an inability to play sports well, which then leads to severe peer rejection. As we know like boys typically enjoy sports, and in a sports-oriented culture such as our own, if a young boy is unable to throw, catch, kick a ball, he's likely to be excluded, isolated, and even ridiculed, unfortunately. And continued rejection can be a major source of conflict for child and teenager. So, in an attempt to overcome feelings of loneliness and inadequacy, he may spend more time on academic studies or fostering comfortable friendships with girls. The “sports wound” will negatively affect the boy’s image of himself, his relationship with his peers, his gender identity, and his body image. His negative view of his masculinity and his loneliness can lead him to crave the masculinity of his male peers, which is why it's so important to actually intervene and correct this.
But make no mistake about this, a gender non-conforming boy can be sensitive, kind, social, artistic, gentle and heterosexual. He can be an artist, an actor, a dancer, a cook, a musician, and a heterosexual. And the opposite for girls as well. These innate artistic skills are “who he is”, part of the wonderful range of human abilities. No one should try to discourage those abilities and traits. The gender non-conforming boy might be artistic, creative and relational, but in order to grow into his potential, he must also be confident that he belongs to the world of men. And this is the litmus test: To what extent do I feel comfortable in my gender and feel that I belong to it, and to the world of men as a man or the world of women as a woman. Gender identity problems, including cross-dressing, exclusive cross-gender play, and a lack of same-sex friends should be treated as a symptom that something might be very wrong. Boys who exhibit such symptoms before they enter school are more likely to be unhappy, lonely and isolated in elementary school, to suffer from separation anxiety, depression and behavior problems, to be victimized by bullies, and targeted by bullies and pedophiles, and to experience same-sex attraction in adolescence. If they engage in homosexual activity as adolescents, they're more likely than most boys to be involved in drug and alcohol abuse or prostitution, to attempt suicide, to contract a sexually-transmitted disease, such as HIV or AIDS, or to develop a serious psychological problem as an adult. A small number of these boys will become transvestites or transsexuals.
In fact, experts have reported that gender identity disordered children, who are assumed to have a biological problem, may, in fact, respond surprisingly well to therapeutic intervention. Of course, the gender identity disordered child should not be forced into a predetermined mold that will cause him to deny his fundamental nature, his natural gifts of creativity, sensitivity, kindness, gentleness, sociability, intuitiveness, or high intellect. Niccolosi quotes Dr. Lawrence Newman, who clarifies this very important distinction. He says, “Treatment should be directed not at turning the feminine boy into an athlete or suppressing his aesthetic yearnings, but rather at developing his pride in being male.... These boys are remarkably responsive to treatment given between the ages of 5 and 12, becoming more masculine in behavior and more comfortable with their identity as males.” Many researchers and therapists also agree that treatment can be effective in many ways where youngsters feel better about themselves as boys or girls, develop close friendships with children of their own gender, and experience improved interactions within the family unit.
Waheed 56:21
Another common question that gets asked a lot, “Okay, so now we identify all of that as parents, how do we replace the toys and the clothes without hurting the feelings of the child?” We want to allow the child to accept more his/her toys and clothing and kind of replace the cross-gender toys and clothing, but we don't want to hurt their feelings. How do we do that? Of course, this is not done alone and that's it. It comes with a whole list of other interventions working in tandem that we will discuss, inshaAllah, in the next episode. But since we're on this topic, we are going to touch upon it briefly.
It will be necessary for you, as parents, to kind of gradually replace toys and games and articles of clothing that support your son's cross-gender fantasy. Instead of secretly dumping them and acting in a hurry, which I know a lot of parents might actually do, what we suggest is a more open approach. What do we mean by that? You can encourage the boy to participate in the transfer of these items by having him decide which ones to give to which little girls he knows. So, some parents sometimes might even make a ritual for the disposing of the feminine toys in a ceremonious packing, and removing the girls’ stuff to be given away to maybe a needy neighborhood girl, or a female cousin, or maybe like donating it to a charity, whatever you see fit. Sometimes, depending on the age of the child, you might have a “bye-bye ceremony”, this might be helpful in the case of a toddler, for example. You get a box, you put the dolls inside, you seal up the box, and you say “bye-bye!” with the child, all the while acknowledging how hard it must actually be for the boy to give these toys away. And then, you explain and communicate with the child, “Now daddy is going to give them to a little girl in the neighborhood or to your little cousin who doesn't have any Barbies to play with”, for example.
So, this is an age-appropriate way to kind of convey the message that “We're here, we love you, we support you, let's do something good about this”, and kind of you acknowledge the pain and the sadness, but you also show him that there's a different path to that. And then you introduce, let's say, boy toys to him, like gradually in the process. And it's important for your child to feel and experience his sadness and his loss. More difficult is, perhaps, sometimes you might sympathetically hear of his pain, while going through with the disposing of the items. And such ceremonies or such events can be difficult, but it should not be traumatic. Sometimes we're so adamant about doing things that we really don't care about what the child does. Let him cry, let him grieve, whatever, let's just get this over with. No, that's not the point here. The decision to do this should not be impulsive, it should be well thought out. And you need to ask yourself, “Is the boy ready to let them go? Perhaps all he needs is a little nudge? Or will this process actually leave him betrayed and angry?” Because if it will, then it is too soon for such a dramatic action.
So, in other words, how aggressive these corrective interventions should be depends on your child's response. You know, if he becomes withdrawn, depressed, angry, frustrated or nervous, then you will know that you are moving too quickly. Sometimes, we might hear of parents who really want to “fix” their child all in one week. What's going to happen is that you will have an anxious and a very alarmed child, and this is going to traumatize the child. We don't want that. Any dramatic or negative change in the boy's mood indicates that he was not given time to adjust to his parents’ changed expectations.
Other ideas, for example, you can dilute his toys, so to speak, with more gender-affirming toys. Meaning, he has a lot of Barbie dolls, let's say, now we start introducing other boys’ toys. You're not taking away the Barbie dolls, but at least like dilute those Barbie dolls with more gender-affirming toys, like action figures, cars, trucks, anything that is gender-affirming. Of course, we're not subscribing to gender stereotypes, but rather, just trying to invite the child to explore other interests or other toys, for example. Another very effective strategy is to invite other boys of his age, his peers, to play dates, maybe his relatives, you know, others of his age to play dates where they bring their own toys, and then they can play together. That would kind of entice his curiosity to explore more gender-affirming toys. Maybe involve other siblings or family members to play with the child with toys that kind of affirm the child's gender. And to just have fun, you know, having fun in the process, laughing a lot, smiling a lot in the process kind of dilutes the feelings of maybe sadness or surprise, etc. And always, always, always offer words of encouragement and affirmations that you're proud of him/her, that you love them, that you care for them, that “This is amazing, this is exciting, yayyy!” You know, all of that really does make a huge difference, of course, in an age-appropriate manner.
Now, some parents would take the opposite approach; they might be hesitant to make such common sense changes, and some of this hesitancy actually comes from mixed messages from our culture and education systems nowadays, they give conflicting advice, especially by child development professionals and counselors, a lot of parents would fear discussing the problem with their son or daughter because they don't want to hurt their feelings. But then again, please remember that the most effective intervention is when the parental team as a team conveys together the message through gentle, unified loving and consistent messages, that “This is not who you are, you are a boy” or “you're a girl”, the style should be very gentle, very caring, very loving. It should not happen all at once. But it has to be explicit, and it has to be unambiguous. “You are too old now, for example, for this kind of behavior, or these kinds of toys. We love you, we care about you. You're a boy, or you're a girl, etc.”
You make it in the most loving ways, because, remember, those children who deal with or who have a high propensity of developing same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria, or they themselves are gender confused, they have a hypersensitive temperament. So, they interpret things as rejection very quickly, even though that you don't mean that. So please bear this in mind when you give them that message. Love them, hug them, hold them, give them as much affirmation and positive messages as you can. Be gentle with them, do it slowly, do it lovingly. Involve others. Do it with so much love and laughter and happiness so that they can assimilate their gender identity in a loving atmosphere.
You need to be consistent. You need to be a team, as we said, because this type of approach is the most effective in the long term. And one mother in Nicolosi’s book actually says it so well, “Helping my son overcome effeminate behavior is like growing roses. It does not require a lot of work, but it takes a lot of consistent mindfulness.”
Aadam 1:03:55
So now we move on from young boys and girls to the adolescent phase, and adolescence is a time of dynamic emotional and physical growth and transformation of personal identity. It's a time of differentiating amongst conflicting values, and of discarding some parental influences. It's a time of absorption and integration of peer, social and pop cultural values, developing a sense of oneself as an adult in the world, as an autonomous person in society is a primary challenge for the adolescent. The teen who is conflicted about his sexual feelings must now confront his problem directly. By mid-adolescence, he can no longer avoid the erotic conflicts that he has suppressed or denied. He may begin experimentation with internet gay venues, online pornography, phone sex, and eventually homosexual behavior in a search for masculine affirmation. It's during this critical transitional stage that the young man can be most easily led astray, and the same goes for young women, of course.
In today's culture, teens are sometimes actively encouraged to question and even test out their sexuality. In the past two decades, school counselors and psychologists have reported seeing an explosion in the number of students coming out as gay, bisexual, trans, queer, gender fluid, and so on. This hunger for same-sex attention, affection and approval, a yearning to belong to the same sex, is transformed in early adolescence into sexual strivings. And remember, we spoke about Bem’s theory of “exotic becomes erotic” back in episode seven. When these needs begin to take on an intensely sexual nature, the boy or girl may identify their longings as “being gay”, particularly if this idea is supported by a gay counseling program at school or chat rooms and forums on the internet.
Waheed 1:05:55
Absolutely, and, you know, subhan Allah, in the past a couple of years, I've been getting emails from parents, in particular, who are distraught at discovering that their child has same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria, or has come out as gay. I remember one of the moms actually was so emotional to the point that she was doing anything to “cure her son”. She wanted him to get therapy, “I can't take this anymore, this is not acceptable! We need to do this, and we need to do that!” And she was so insistent, I’m like, “Woman, get a grip! This is not the way that you actually deal with it. I understand that you're frustrated, you're shocked, you are feeling very confused and in so much pain, but this is not the way to go. There are a lot of issues that we need to kind of dissect, particularly with you, because your behavior tells me so much about the family dynamics and your relationship with your son.”
Other examples, you know, you have adolescence “coming out” as gay or trans, the parents may have discovered about that coincidentally by finding gay porn in the adolescents room, or reading some of their journals or diary entries, or maybe letters or emails indicating same-sex infatuation, for example, or nowadays, there are a lot of forums online and support networks for individuals to undergo social and medical transitioning for people who experience gender dysphoria, so that's another thing. All of these might alert parents that there is an actual problem, and so on. So, particularly with parents who would discover this by accident, like there's an ethical conflict here: The child has a right to their own privacy, but me, as a parent, I really want to help them out, I want to protect them. So, this kind of becomes like a gray area. Again, as a teenager, we've all been adolescents, we wanted to stick it in people's faces sometimes, we wanted to kind of be defiant one way or the other. So sometimes parents would be committed to doing whatever it takes to help their child, we would perceive that as rejection, and we might get angry, and we'll start fighting back. So, all of these kinds of are quite challenging to deal with. Subhan Allah.
Aadam 1:08:21
Yeah, subhan Allah. When teens adopt a gay identity or are immersed in a gay affirming school program, it’s going to be difficult, there's going to be a lot of resistance and fighting back from the kid. So please don't force your child to a particular therapy program if they're refusing, it just will not help at all. He or she has to decide if they're willing to try, and this comes after a while of bonding with you. So you may be along for the ride, offering support and encouragement, but not trying to run their life. It doesn't mean, though, that you can't support them and create an environment of healing and growth. If the teenager does not want therapy, all that can be done is to provide information. We can only offer him the opportunity to make an educated choice, and that's to make a life decision based upon accurate information.
Even if your teenager decides to pursue therapy, there should be an open-door policy, which is that he/she can leave at any time he/she chooses, and also return at any time in the future. Some refuse as they are already in a relationship and fear losing the security of that mentoring relationship. Others have become enchanted by the gay self-label or the gay subculture. Many young people have so deeply identified with their homosexual, trans or gender-fluid orientation, that the possibility of giving up that identity is too frightening. So, they might be thinking things like “If I'm no longer gay, bi, trans (or whatever other label), then who am I?” It becomes such a pillar foundation of who they see themselves as. We'll cover more tips in the upcoming episode, but there are some pertinent themes to discuss.
Waheed 1:10:07
So we have a couple of pertinent pieces of advice to kind of offer you. One of the most important things that we can actually tell you right now is, if you're dealing with an adolescent, please build trust with them, and this takes time, effort and patience. You know, anger, rebellion and hurt, they usually fester just under the surface as the teenagers would grapple with their sexual identity, gender identity and so on. They may appear compliant, but the adolescent who is dealing with same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria will be highly ambivalent about any adult who probes the deeper layers of their private life. Secrecy has always been their best defense against intrusion, and Aadam and I can testify to that, subhan Allah. So, we can expect to encounter suspicion and hostility to be directed towards both parents and maybe therapists or counselors or anyone who tries to intervene. So just keep this in mind, that there's going to be that.
But, fortunately, even deeper than their desire to hide is their healthy desire to be seen and understood by another member of the same sex. So, keep that in mind. To be truly seen and accepted to feel like we belong to feel loved and cared for. So, the first step in any kind of healing is to offer unconditional acceptance, and please underline “unconditional acceptance”, so that the teenager does not need to hide their sense of shame or their conflicted feelings and attractions and gender identity issues. The young man or woman needs to hear this message from their parents: “We love you. Nothing you do in your life will ever change that fact. We will do our best to respect your feelings and understand your perspective, no matter what choices you make. But because we desire the best for you, we want you to seriously consider particular things that you may not have considered, because we do not think a gay or trans lifestyle is a wise choice.” But again, this last “but” statement comes way later. What needs to happen right now is that you need to shower them and drown them with unconditional love, so that you build bridges and establish that trust, or reestablish that trust in your case.
Aadam 1:12:24
And then the second thing is to discuss things openly. Parents and counselors alike must convey clearly to the adolescent that he's free to discuss his same-sex feelings. He has a normal, healthy yearning for deep friendship and closeness with other members of the same sex. So, conversations about such feelings are acceptable and important. They should not evoke shame, but we should talk more about what it means for those feelings to shift and become sexual. What for your teenager is the meaning or significance of such yearnings? What is it that he's really looking for in other guys and other men? How would sex derail that search for friendship and change his sense of who he is?
Very often what they say they are looking for has very little to do with the same sex physical intimacy but rather with the need to belong, to feel like an intimate part of one special male friend’s life. The therapist or parent should also evaluate the views of teachers, media stories, or websites that have introduced the child to homosexuality or transgenderism. Do these teachers and counselors dismiss principled dissent to homosexuality and transgenderism as nothing but homophobia and transphobia? Do they represent homosexually oriented individuals as a “people”, thus equating any criticism of gay lifestyle or trans lifestyle with racial bigotry, for example? But don't our bodies say something profound about the design and purpose of human sexuality? Is there some natural wisdom evident in our bodies’ opposite-sex construction and the “perfect fit” nature provided for heterosexual coupling? All of these ideas make for a very helpful discussion and to help shed the light on the reality of these issues.
Waheed 1:14:10
Exactly, and these are discussions that you actually can have with an adolescent or young adult, as opposed to a child, developmentally, for sure. And then, speaking of this, it's very important for you as parents and family members to educate yourselves on commonly discussed topics and to equip yourselves with proper rationalizations or argumentation. So, you need to correct myths on homosexuality and transgenderism, that homosexuality, for example, is like heterosexuality, that it's healthy, it's a normal variation, that same-sex couples are similar to opposite-sex couples, that any therapy that addresses this is dangerous, etc., and so on and so forth. For these, you can check out the episode 66 and 67, which are early on in the season, and check out the resources that are mentioned in the show notes, which can help give you a lot of ideas and information regarding that. We also need to talk about the destructions and the health risks that are brought by the gay and trans lifestyle, you can check out the same episodes 66 and 67, and also episode five as well, which talks a lot about that.
We also need to talk about the identity paradigm, you know, “I am gay, lesbian, queer, trans, non-binary”, etc. “I am”, this identity paradigm, how we can deconstruct that. That is discussed in detail back in episode five. And, again, when we talk about the genesis of same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria, we need to examine other risk factors as well, like familial and peer wounding, any kind of abuse that has happened, peer pressure, media, culture, etc. Again, those are all elaborated on back in episode seven, eight, as well as 10 for female same-sex attractions and gender dysphoria.
And, finally, the importance of correcting any religious misconceptions, as well as building spiritual connections, because spirituality is very important. And a lot of us, as we've elaborated a lot during this podcast, that a lot of us have “God wounds” or “religious wounds” because we kind of associated religion with hate, or God with pain, because of our upbringing, conditioning, and the perceptions that we've had growing up. So all of these ideas of spirituality and correcting particular religious misconceptions, these are all presented in season two, which goes from episodes 14 to 26.
And then, also, you can enlist the help of support systems. It goes without saying that you can't do this alone, support systems are needed depending on what the adolescent or young adult needs or is going through. Episode 27 is all about support systems, particularly parents, family members and friends. If there is a need for a sense of community, which there is, then please check out the episode number 28 for Strong Support by Br. Ali Jaafery in the UK. He has a wonderful establishment that helps a lot of people with same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria. For Straight Struggle, we've had the interview with Br. Yousef in episode 29, and Aadam and I are part of Straight Struggle, and so are other men and women who deal with same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria, so please join us there. If your child is struggling with addictions, specifically for example porn addiction, masturbation addiction, sexually acting out, or substance addictions, 12 Step programs are helpful. We talked about Sexaholics Anonymous in episode 30. There are also episodes on masturbation and pornography addiction, like episode 55 which is all about masturbation, episodes 56 to 59 are about porn and sex addictions.
And if your child needs group activities and male affirmations, please enlist the help of school groups, Boy Scouts, or whatever support systems that you have in your vicinity. There's also Brothers Road which we spoke about in detail in episode 32. There's also the Mankind Project, which we spoke about in episode 34. And there are many others. So please realize that there are lots of support systems that can help you depending on the individual case of your child. And please reach out to those support systems when needed.
Aadam 1:18:31
Yeah. The last point is that masculinity is a rite of passage, and Joseph Nicolosi says, and I quote, “Primitive cultures exhibit an intuitive understanding that boys need special help and encouragement to grow into their masculine identity. These cultures do not allow their young men to grow up without putting them through an elaborate set of male initiation rites. For them, becoming a man is understood to require a struggle; true manhood does not come automatically. Young tribal men often go through a series of trials that help them "prove" or "discover" their masculinity. They hunt and kill prey and tribal enemies. They go through painful and exhausting physical regimens. They are subjected to rituals, in the company of male elders, that disavow their boyhood and declare them to be adult males. And when they come out the other side of the gauntlet they have to run, the tribe is there to celebrate their victory. Now they are men. Now they will no longer play around their mothers' campfires in the company of their grandmothers and sisters. Now, instead, they will go out hunting and fishing with the other men.”
And within our own Islamic context, you know, we see our own practices, traditions and systems that help boys become men. Essentially, those boys spending time in the company of men, learning archery, horseback riding, swimming, wrestling, martial arts, and even in the madrasa system where we're learning Sacred Knowledge, it's typically transferred from a same-sex teacher, imam, sheikh, to the same-sex kids. So, there's a system within Islam that already exists, and today in our society, it's not quite so easy to help young men solidify their male identity. We don't really have these types of rituals. Young boys are not generally expected to go through initiation rites. Instead, with today's confused approach to gender issues, their teachers may tell them to embrace their “feminine side” or “androgynous nature” or worse, their school counselors may encourage them to identify as “gay” or whatever other label. We need to step up and revive the Sunnah, particularly that of conscious masculinity, which has been spoken about in episode 68.
Waheed 1:21:03
And with this, we have come to the end of today's episode, which is our second episode in our four-episode series for parents and family members. So far, in this episode, we spoke about foundations and concepts that are necessary for us to understand and internalize when it comes to young boys, young girls and adolescents who deal with same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria. And in the next episode, inshaAllah, we will continue this discussion and offer a lot of practical advice for parents and family members on how to best to deal with issues that come up with their kids or their family members who struggle with same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria. So, until next episode, stay safe and healthy. This has been Aadam and Waheed in “A Way Beyond the Rainbow”, assalamu alaikom warahmatullahi ta’ala wabarakatuh.