#6 - Sinan's Story: "From Devastation to Tranquility"

In this episode, my dear friend Sinan joins me to share his personal story. A journey from a place of complete darkness and devastation to a place of wholeness and peace.

*Trigger warning: episode includes vivid recollection of severe depression, death wishes and passive suicidal ideations*

Transcript

Waheed:   0:00
This is Waheed Jensen, and you are listening to "A Way Beyond the Rainbow." Assalamu alaikom wa rahmatullahi ta'ala wabarakatuh, and welcome to the sixth episode of "A Way Beyond the Rainbow", this podcast series dedicated to Muslims struggling with same-sex attractions who want to live a life true to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and Islam. I am your host, Waheed Jensen. Thank you so much for joining me in today's episode. Today's episode is a very, very special episode. Joining me is my dear friend Sinan, who is going to share with us his story. InshaAllah, in every season of this podcast, we will have one or two guest speakers who will share with us their own personal stories. So this is the first story in the first season, inshaAllah. I would like to add a disclaimer note at the beginning of this episode, and I am adding this after having finished the entire interview and while finalizing the editing process, just a trigger warning for individuals who might be listening who have mental health issues, particularly severe depression or death wishes or suicidal ideations. This episode might be triggering, please make sure that you have someone with you and you navigate these topics with a licensed mental health professional, if needed. These topics that we will be addressing in this episode are quite heavy, very emotional and very triggering for some people. So please, please make sure that you know this before proceeding, inshaAllah. Sinan's voice has been edited in this episode to maintain his anonymity and privacy.

Waheed:   0:00
Assalamu alaikom, Sinan.  

Sinan:   0:00
Wa alaikom assalam wa rahmatullahi wabarakatuh, Waheed.  

Waheed:   2:23
How are you doing?  

Sinan:   2:24
I'm fine, thank you.  

Waheed:   2:26
I'm really happy that you're joining me today to share your story with the audience. I know that this is a huge step. This is not an easy decision. And I know that you have chosen to be vulnerable, and you have chosen to share with us a journey from so much pain to a lot of growth and healing, alhamdulillah. I remember you and I started talking a little more than a year and a half ago, and you had. At that time, I remember you were a couple of months, almost half a year through a huge shift in your life, if we're to put it that way, so to speak,  

Sinan:   3:12
I tend to call it a miracle.

Waheed:   3:14
A miracle. Yes. Yes, alhamdulillah. The floor is yours, feel free to start in whichever way you like. I'm sure that a lot of the audience members are going to identify with this story. I am sure that a lot of the things that you will say are going to resonate with a lot of the brothers and sisters out there who are struggling with this huge trial. So we're going to cover a lot of ground today. I'll give you the floor, please feel free to start your story.  

Sinan:   3:59
Barak Allah feek. So the reason . . . I just want to say that the reason I am doing this is because I really have been at a very bad place for a very long time, for decades, actually. Well, yeah, I was that for a very long time, and I'm not [anymore], alhamdulillah [praise be to God], washukrulillah [thanks be to God]. I'm actually at a much better place, alhamdulillah. I'm at a place that I never would have imagined that I would come to, alhamdulillah, washukrulillah. You know, I just said that I'm at a much better place, but just thinking about it now makes me, um, very sad and shiver because I really was at a very bad place for decades, for two decades, and at the time I had been struggling with SSA for three decades. So basically, it was layers of darkness and suffocation and despair, a feeling of complete devastation that I was going through and enduring for so long. And it was a complete lack of hope. It was complete devastation. And, you know, I've been -- subhanallah [glory be to God] -- this really takes me by surprise because, I mean, obviously, I knew that I was doing this episode, so I've taken notes -- you know, just to have an account that is just slightly structured. And just looking down on my notes, I really don't know where to start and where to end, because this is really surprisingly hard to do still, subhanallah. I really was at a very bad place for so long. I had lost the ability to cry also during all of those years, and, alhamdulillah, after the healing that has come back. So maybe it would have been easy for me to do this episode when it was going on, because I really wasn't as emotional as I am now. Obviously, it was emotionally hard, but now it's just difficult.

Waheed:   0:00
I understand it's not going to be easy, obviously, for you and for a lot of people listening. So let's start with some place and take it from there. I remember you told me that during the age of 19 or 20, some things had started in your life, and that's when things became more difficult for you. Would you like to talk about that?

Sinan:   0:00
Yeah, that makes sense. So, I've known that I had SSA since early childhood. I think the first time I realized that I was different, so to speak, was when I was six or something. But, you know, SSA really wasn't a problem until I reached the age of 19. I had decided really early on that I wouldn't limit myself because of SSA. I wouldn't deal with SSA; I didn't want to deal with SSA. SSA wasn't something that was to capture who I was. So even though I was having these very strong inclinations, I decided early on -- because I knew that it was wrong to act on them -- that it wasn't going to define who I was. What happened ultimately, however, was that because I did that, because that was my approach, because I shoved it under the carpet, so to speak, so fiercely and so unconditionally, it actually took over my life completely for decades. And I can see, looking back, that that was what was happening when I was 19, but I didn't realize it at the time. I always used to say that SSA is not a problem in my life because I'm not in denial of SSA; I know that I have SSA. But I was in denial of the effects of shoving it under the carpet. So what happened -- and I didn't realize that -- what happened when I was 19 is that up until that point, I had a perfect life, so to speak. I was brought up in a very religious family, also a very culturally inclined family, and I was in fact the most religious in the whole family. My parents would send me off to the local mosque quite early on, and that gave me a very intimate relationship with Allah SWT [subhanahu wa ta'ala: glorified and exalted is He] very early on. And I still have that, alhamdulillah; that has been my rescue, and my challenge, throughout the years. So I knew that it was wrong to act upon it, but it didn't feel wrong -- I really want to emphasize that. I didn't feel that I was to blame. I knew that I hadn't chosen this, but I really, really wanted it to go away. But it didn't. And so I would pray throughout my adolescent years. I would pray, but, you know, there's no such thing -- obviously, looking back now -- as praying the gay away, as they say. It's from Allah SWT, and there might be various reasons for it, I don't know, but once you have it, you have it. That was my approach to it . . . also because it really felt natural. I mean, I know that the Islamic position is that it goes against the human fitra [priomordial disposition], so it shouldn't be natural, right? But it felt natural. It felt natural and it still does. 

Waheed:   6:22
So you're talking about the attractions.

Sinan:   0:00
The attractions, yes. But, you know, I decided early on that I didn't want it to control my life. I didn't want it to define my life on, and it wasn't certainly allowed to interfere with my relationship with Allah SWT. So that is also why, even though I was solely attracted to men, I decided very early on that I was to get married at some point. I knew that the Islamic position on marriage is that it's half the completion of your dean. Obviously, I wasn't going to lack that -- half of my deen, subhanallah [glory be to God]! So throughout my adolescent years I was trying to condition myself for that. And I also come from a culture where people -- at that time anyway -- would get married off very early on, so I knew that it was inevitable for me; I would get married at some point. So what happened at the age of 19 was that I graduated from high school and I was the top of my class, so to speak. And everything seemed to work out for me. I mean, I felt that I was just about to conquer the world.

Waheed:   0:00
Subhanallah.

Sinan:   0:00
So in that sense I was so full of myself, subhanallah. But I was also, you know, very grateful to Allah SWT, and I had a very strong connection to Him. I had a really good reputation within the family. I had a lot of friends. I felt liked and loved, and it was really nice, alhamdulillah. But all of a sudden, it just changed. And I went to my doctor to see her, the family doctor, and she said that I might be suffering from depression, and that was a really strange idea.

Waheed:   0:00
And you were 20 at the time?

Sinan:   0:00
I was 19. I was 19 and I had just started studying in college. She said that it might be depression, and that was a really strange idea and I said, "Well, you know, I doubt it because I really have the most perfect life. I've just started college. It's my dream education, and there's nothing wrong in my life. Nothing is lacking. I have everything working for me. There's nothing wrong. Nothing is missing. So I doubt it." And then she said, "Well, you know, okay." She sent me to a psychiatrist, and he was certain that that it was a depression.

Waheed:   0:00
So what were you feeling at the time?

Sinan:   0:00
A huge void. Emptiness, lack of pleasure. It was as if the meaning of life had evaporated, all of a sudden. And it grew deeper and deeper. And what ultimately happened throughout the following years was that a big darkenss [began] to overtake my life. So I was hospitalized at some point. I dropped out of college. My parents didn't understand anything. No one did . . . my friends. I didn't know what it was. And, you know, the psychiatrists to begin with were quite hopeful. They said, "Well, you know, you have everything working for you." And, you know, they kept asking questions and they said, "So what is it? What is it? What is it? So, I mean, is there anything, anything in your life that is missing?" And actually, one of them at some point asked me if I had same-sex attractions. And you know, as I said before, I had decided that same-sex attraction was not going to be an issue in my life. And I didn't feel that it was the cause. So I said no. I was in denial of the effects of it. So there was no purpose in telling him that I had same-sex attractions. So I said, "No, I don't have that. And even if I had, it wouldn't have been a problem because, you know, it's against my religion and all of that." And then I just tried to close the door and effectively did that to that discussion. And you know, what happened basically was that when I reached the age of 22, I had been suffering from severe depression for three and a half years. And I had been hospitalized in psychiatric wards. I had a huge wish to die. I remember a very difficult night. I was hospitalized [and it was one of the nights]. This was 20 years ago. I just didn't know what it was. So I remember that I put my head, I was making salah [prayer], and I would put my head in sujud [prostration]. Then I said to Him: "I don't know what this is. I don't know why everything changed all of a sudden. I want to die, and You know that I can't kill myself. So please, just take my life." And then He didn't. He didn't. He didn't. I knew that . . . I was fearing that He wouldn't do that, but it would just make me suffer. So I told Him in sujud, I said: "You know what? If You want me to suffer for the next 50 years until I reached the age of 70 or something before You take my life and take my soul, well okay, then I will bear it for You. I will do this." But it was really hard. It was really, really hard.

Waheed:   0:00
Can you just tell us, if you like, to describe to the audience what it was like to be in your shoes during that period of time, what every day felt like, what you were experiencing in your heart, in your body, in your mind? What was going on?

Sinan:   0:00
Nothing. Void, darkness, a complete lack of happiness and pleasure, just staring into the wall for hours. It was during those years, during those three and a half years, that I lost the ability to cry. I remember at some point I was at my parents' place. I had just been hospitalized and they had released me. I was alone with my siblings, and I just went into one of the rooms and then I just cried. I cried, I cried, I cried. I was sobbing, and I was unstoppable. I didn't cry for 20 years after that.

Waheed:   0:00
Subhanallah! Did you know at that time why you were crying?

Sinan:   0:00
I just wanted to die. And yeah . . . so what happened was that when I reached the age of 22, I was called into a very renowned psychiatrist and he took me in. And then he said -- and I was 22 at the time -- and then he said, "You know what, Sinan, I have been doing this for a lot of years, and I like to believe that I am a very successful psychiatrist. And I want to tell you that I've never given up on a patient. I've always felt and known that regardless of how long it would take, I would be able to help anyone. But I have to tell you that we can't help you. I can't help you. Psychiatry can't help you. And I'm suggesting," he said, "that you apply for early retirement." I was 22. And then he said, "And if my name is in that application, I will guarantee you the authorities will grant you early retirement." I'm almost suffocating now because that was the first time I felt suffocation, complete devastation. I felt abandoned and left out. And I was 22 years old. And only three years before that, I was about to conquer the world. But then I dropped out of college. Darkness took over my life. I didn't know why. And here I was sitting across a psychiatrist that was at the top of his game, and he just gave up on me. And his only solution was that I should get an early retirement. And I told him, "You do realize that this is a death sentence socially speaking." And he said, "I'm sorry, but we can't help you. The best thing we can do for you is to give you some rest from all obligations, but I'm sorry to say that you'll be suffering for the rest of your life." So I left psychiatry. I abandoned it, and I didn't return for, I don't know, eight or ten years. I just intensified my prayers, my relationship with Allah SWT. I had a friend from within the Muslim community and I told him, I said, "You know, please help me. Don't let me fall. Don't allow this to happen.  The clouds never disappeared but, alhamdulillah, I did experience relief only a year after that. My profession, I mean, the school that I was studying at, the profession that I wanted to pursue was ruined for me. I couldn't return to that. So I chose a completely different field and applied for college again. It was actually funny thinking back because when I was applied for admission to college again, the university knew my track record . . . I mean, I had been admitted to this high-profile education for so long, and then I dropped out. So they need some security to admit me again to a completely different field. So I went to that psychiatrist a year after and I said, "I need a paper from you saying that you believe that I can do this." And then he said, "Well, I don't believe that you can do it." And I said, "Well, you know, you said there's no way you can help me, and I'm not applying for early retirement. So please do this." So he wrote the letter, and I got admitted. Then I took one step at a time. And a year down the road, I met my wife and we got married.

Waheed:   0:00
But you were still, at the time, dealing with it.

Sinan:   0:00
It never left. It never left. And she knew from the very beginning that I had been suffering from depression and that it was a reoccurring thing, but I don't think that she realized to begin with how grave it was. I would have good days and then I would have weeks of suffocation and devastation and the inability to step out of bed. And obviously I couldn't study so that took a lot of years. And it caused so much pain for her as well, and I'm really sorry for that. When I reached the age of 30, I began realizing that this was in fact coming from SSA, but I didn't know my ways. I didn't know what to do. So I wrote an e-mail to different scholars on international websites, and I asked them for help and guidance. But what could they do? That was the first time I realized that, okay, this is coming from SSA and I have to do something about it. I was so torn. I was so torn. I felt like a zombie. I was a living dead, and I wrote that to them. I said, "I don't know what to do and please provide me some answers. Why is this . . . if this is wrong, if this is against human nature, if this is against our fitra, why have I been given such a huge inclination that feels so natural and that I can't do anything about, I can't make it disappear? The years between the age of 30 and 34 were really difficult. I stopped functioning completely as a human being. I had two children, two very small children, and I couldn't take care of them. I couldn't take care of my family. I couldn't study. I couldn't keep a job. I started falling apart socially as well, and I began isolating myself. And I remember that when I was 34, during Christmas break I was visiting my in-laws with my family. But I really didn't want to go even though I love them. I really, really, really didn't want to go. And I told that to my wife. I said, "I can't do this. I really can't. I can't do this." So she arranged for me . . . She really wanted to go. She needed to go. She was worn out. I mean, she had two small children and a husband who had fallen apart, so she really needed to have someone to take care of her, and I acknowledged that. But I just couldn't. So she said, "How about if we give you your own apartment during our stay?" And what happened was that my sister-in-law moved in with her mother and I took over her apartment, which was right next door. And when I reached that apartment, I fell apart completely. Totally. It was complete devastation. I really wanted to die. I was making lots of du'as [prayers, supplications] for that. And it was so excruciating because my little girl, whenever she would come, I couldn't even look at her. She would come in because she was missing her daddy, and I just wanted to die. I slept for 20 hours a day during that stay. Twenty hours, no exaggeration. Twenty hours. I would wake up, eat something, go to bed and fall asleep again. So when we got back home, my wife insisted that I should go see a psychiatrist? She said, "I know your reservations. I know that you felt abandoned by them, but it's been 12 years, Sinan. It's been 12 years, and I need help. You need to go see someone, please." So I went to see a psychiatrist. And you know, my story was that I was suffering from severe depression. And she [the psychiatrist] said after hearing my account, "I don't know why my colleagues 12 years ago said that to you, but this is not depression. This is so grave, this is so thorough, this is so all-encompassing that this is a psychosis. You have so many negative symptoms, meaning that you completely lack pleasure.

Waheed:   0:00
So the depressive symptoms were very, very severe that it was bordering on psychosis?

Sinan:   0:00
Yes, so he transferred me to a specialized unit for that, and I received a very concentrated therapy for two years. They gave me a psychologist who, looking back, became my first step towards healing. A psychiatrist who transferred me to the unit said that "I don't think that you will graduate from college, so maybe you should just give it up." I couldn't, and my wife didn't want me to. She said, "I know that this is important to you." So she supported me. I wasn't even receiving social care anymore because, I mean, I was far beyond that. I had stopped functioning as a human being. So when I got to the specialized unit, my psychologist said that -- we just had weekly sessions, he said, "You know, I don't care about recovery. I just want you to get through the day, every day, and I want you to give you the means for that. I want to help you with that. I want to help you get out of bed, to spend time with your children, because they need you, to spend time with your wife, because she needs that. So that's just the aim, the goal." So we really lowered the bar for success. And we were having these sessions all the time, to begin with, twice a week. And then a year down the road, I remember that something really crucial happened. I was in a session with him and I don't remember the context, but I remember saying that I'm a psychotic and he interrupted me immediately and he said, "Sinan, you are not a psychotic. You're a person with psychosis, and there's a huge difference, there's a world of difference between those two statements. When you say that I'm a psychotic, it's a part of your identity. But this disease is not a part of your identity; it's not a part of who you are. It's just a basic condition in your life in the same way that if you were born into a poor family and you were suffering from famine, well, being poor would not be a part of your identity. You would just acknowledge that that was a basic condition that you have to deal with. So I want you to stop referring to yourself as a psychotic." It felt almost like a revelation. What he didn't know was that when he was talking, what I was hearing was, "Stop referring to yourself as a gay man. That's not a part of who you are. It's not a part of your identity. It's a basic condition in your life, and what do you need to do is to learn how to deal with it." And I knew in that very moment that he would be the first person that I would come out to. But obviously it didn't happen immediately. It took a few weeks. I really had to put myself up to it. And then I told him, but I was still in denial. I said, "You know, there's a theme going on here that I haven't told anyone, and I want to emphasize that it has got nothing to do with my medical condition, with my psychosis, with my complete lack of enjoyment, my negative symptoms. But I just want you to know that there's something on the side, and I don't want us to talk about it. I just want you to know that there is something going on." And then I told him. I told him that I was attracted to men, that I had been that since the age of six. He actually accepted my premise to begin with. He said, "Okay. Well, I mean, if you're saying that it's got nothing to do with your medical condition, by all means, I accept that. I accept your perception of it. But is it okay that we talk about it every once in a while?" And I said, "Yes, of course." In the following year, that was actually the only thing that we talked about, and it made a world of difference to finally be able to tell someone about this.

Waheed:   0:00
You were how old at the time?

Sinan:   0:00
I was 34, almost 35. This was the first time ever that I came out to a person.

Waheed:   0:00
How did it feel at that moment?

Sinan:   0:00
It was a huge relief, a huge relief. You know, he was really decent. He was actually obliged to write in my journal after every session, and because I didn't want it to be a part of my journal, he and I made an agreement. And this actually went against his professionalism, right? We agreed that whenever our session was done, he should always write a short note saying that we just discussed how to navigate throughout the challenges of life -- daily life, that kind of stuff -- in generic terms. He would just write that. I actually saw my journal when I left the hospital, and it was all about that. But, you know, he didn't have an agenda with me. He said that. He said, "You know, I respect your faith. I respect your values. I hear you and I accept it when you say that I don't want to act upon my same-sex attractions, [but] I think that would be healthy for you to do so." He said that.

Waheed:   0:00
To act upon them.

Sinan:   0:00
Yes, he said, "I think that it would be healthy, but I also know, I also understand and accept it when you're telling me that that's not going to happen. So let's just find ways to navigate this for you."

Waheed:   0:00
To find common ground between you and him.

Sinan:   0:00
Not common ground, because he was actually always on my ground. So he just said, "Okay, tell me all about the limits, the limitations that come from your faith, and let's try to examine what your options are." And obviously my options weren't that many, right? So we talked a lot about what I could do. But, you know, mostly it was just I had the feeling of initial relief, but from that point on, he wasn't able to take me any further. He didn't have an agenda. So with him, it was all about navigating still through life and challenges. And my suffocation really didn't end.

Waheed:   0:00
But you felt a little improvement during that period with him?

Sinan:   0:00
Yes, and I actually graduated from college, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah.

Waheed:   0:00
During that period when you were visiting the psychologist regularly, what did you guys focus on that made you feel more relieved, that restored your personal balance, so to speak? How did you kind of overcome some of the challenges that you were dealing with at the time?

Sinan:   0:00
Well, first and foremost, he taught me that it was okay to be me basically. I mean, he gave me the first acceptance. And I used to believe that I didn't need anyone's approval or anyone's acceptance. I used to believe that, you know, I rest within myself, and I have Allah SWT and I don't need anyone else. I was hardened in that way. He taught me that as humans, we do need acceptance. We do need to meet people in our lives who give us understanding. And I told him at some point, you know, I said, "The incredible thing about coming out to you is that I have hidden this away for so long, but the feeling of complete acceptance is indescribable. And mind you, people like me . . . throughout all of these years I would go to all kinds of mosques, all kinds of communities, Muslim communities, and wherever I came, people liked me; they even adored me. But I never felt accepted because I knew that if I were to tell them what I was dealing with, that despite the fact that I was so adored, I would be alienated, pushed out, ostracized, thrown out. I was afraid that if I told my wife, I would lose my family. I was afraid that if I told my parents, that despite being the source of their pride, I would still . . . I was convinced that everyone would throw me out like a piece of garbage. And coming out to the psychologist made me feel whole for the first time in my life. There was a room, there was a safe space here with him where I could be myself 100%. And you know, all of these years in dealing with my suffocation and all the things that were categorized as severe depression, there was always this huge part of the equation missing, right? And now it was being taken into account. Now I could bring it about myself into our conversations. It was an integrated part of our sessions of therapy because it's an integrated part of me, and it was given its natural place in my life. And I was in daily contact with him, and he made plans for me for my daily life, and he would hold me accountable for them. He would make follow ups on a daily basis by phone, by messages.

Waheed:   0:00
That's wonderful.

Sinan:   0:00
Then he would say . . . and I could call him. I mean, he really, really went beyond his professional obligations. I could call him 11 p.m. in the night and he would pick up the phone and answer it. He'd talk to me, and he said, "It's important that you feel that you have a support system so things don't grow on you. So instead of wandering the entire night, by all means, just call me, let me know. Then if I have time, I will call you or I will pick up the phone and we will talk about it and then you'll go to bed." And he always picked up the phone. And I graduated from college, alhamdulillah, with his help, with Allah's help ultimately, obviously. So that's what he gave me: that sense of complete acceptance and a realization why acceptance is important.

Waheed:   0:00
Accepting you as a human being.

Sinan:   0:00
As a complete human being. As a complete human being. I didn't have to hide anything from him. We need that as human beings. I can see that. I mean, it's not that we don't have secrets as human beings, but we need . . . even with secrets, we need everything within us to be accepted. So we might not tell everything about ourselves to one specific person, but we need to be able to tell everything about ourselves to different persons at least.

Waheed:   0:00
And to be vulnerable with people?

Sinan:   0:00
Yes. But he couldn't help me with the negative symptoms, as he would characterize them. I mean, I was more put together. He could give me some instruments to get through the day. He could text me and he could follow up on agreements, making sure that I would make progress with each assignment or task that he would give me. But emotionally I was still just as devastated. What happened was that while talking to him and because I had experienced what acceptance means to me, what it means to the to the human soul, I started to look out for other people who would accept me.

Waheed:   0:00
You mean you were searching for other people?

Sinan:   0:00
Yes, I was searching for the people. I didn't dare to search for Muslims. I didn't dare to do that. I wanted to do that, but I didn't dare to do it.

Waheed:   0:00
Understandably.

Sinan:   0:00
Yeah, but I didn't dare to do it. I didn't dare to come up to even my best friends. And it's not that I didn't trust them as persons. I did, and, I mean, I entrusted them with all kinds of other things. But the thing with same-sex attractions or homosexuality is that Muslims at large, in general, are very hostile toward people like us. And I would experience that, and that would always be hurtful. I mean, if I were to walk down the street with a friend and two men holding each other's hands would come across, well, then, it would never go by unnoticed. People would always air their disgust, even though I'm living in a country that is not Muslim and people are always confronted with things that go against Islam, the Islamic way of life. They see people drinking. They see people that are drunk, vomiting on the streets. They see people . . . they have friends who are heterosexual but who have sexual relations outside of marriage, and they accept it, right? And that was really obvious to me -- the difference. I would always feel that . . . I mean, if you're not disgusted, if you don't feel the need to air your disgust when your friends who are not married kiss each other in public, then why on earth would you feel the need to air your disgust because two men are holding hands and you don't even know them.

Waheed:   0:00
Well, some people would argue that it's just a matter of, you know, it goes against the human fitra -- the inherent predisposition that we have -- so it's a normal reaction to feel disgusted, you know? That's a very common answer.

Sinan:   0:00
Yes, it might be so, but the problem is that it makes it a whole lot of . . . I mean, it really makes it difficult to come out to these people.

Waheed:   0:00
Exactly. To be able to trust them with your innermost secret.

Sinan:   0:00
Exactly.

Waheed:   0:00
To be vulnerable and intimate with them in a way that makes you have a heart-to-heart conversation.

Sinan:   0:00
Yes. I was really in need of meeting people who would give me understanding and acceptance. And what happened with that psychologist was that, I mean, I was still in suffocation, right? I was still feeling devastated, and I was still torn, and I would tell him that. I would say that I feel that I'm stuck in the middle of a crossroads -- I mean, if you imagine a T-junction, a crossroads in the formation of a T. I kept telling him that I feel that I am standing right there in the middle of that T-junction. And on the right side, there's the road that leads to Allah SWT. And on the other side, there's the road that leads to finding a man, one man -- I'm not talking about promiscuity; I'm talking about finding true love with one man, one man that I can live with. And I'm torn between those two needs, two basic needs of mine. And sometimes, I go down the road to the left. I take a few steps, tiny baby steps. But then my heart is with Allah SWT. But my heart is also on the other side. And living in that T-junction for so many years, for so many decades, was in fact causing the devastation and the suffocation.

Waheed:   0:00
You were torn between two opposing choices.

Sinan:   0:00
Yes. And with him, I could see that clearly for the first time. So now I knew what the cause of my problem was, but I didn't have a solution. I didn't have the solution. I was torn between those two ways. You know, I, throughout the years, even when I was living in denial of the real questions of shoving my SSA under the carpet, I would always make a du'a, I would always say whenever I was challenged with SSA -- and that was on a daily basis -- and whenever I saw a person that I was attracted to, I would always automatically make a little du'a. I would say, "Ya Rabb [O Lord]! Ya Rabb! I beg You to protect me against the sharr [evil] of Qawm Lut [the people of Lot]." And whenever I was attracted to one specific person, I would instantly make a du'a saying, "Ya, Rabb! Please protect him against me and me against him."

Waheed:   0:00
From any forbidden act.

Sinan:   0:00
Yes, well, I wouldn't say that, but, I mean, it was obvious. So I would just say, "Please protect me against him and him against me." And I guess looking back, after the initial relief that came after coming out to my psychologist didn't lead to an end to the suffocation, I stopped making those du'as.

Waheed:   0:00
You stopped making the du'as of . . .

Sinan:   0:00
Protection. I stopped making du'as for protection. I stopped making du'as for protection. I wanted it to happen.

Waheed:   0:00
You were craving a relationship with a man.

Sinan:   0:00
Yes. And I began searching for answers because I needed some scholar to say, "Well, you know, there's a way." And I remember at some point I googled "gay Muslims" -- those two words, "gay Muslims" -- and I came across a site. One of the top search results was a site called at the time "GayMuslims.org," and I clicked on it. Basically it was a website about Muslims who were facing same-sex attractions but who didn't want to act upon them. And there was a reference to a Yahoo! group called Straight Struggle, where I met you eventually. And I'm not going to introduce Straight Struggle; I think you addressed it in the earlier episodes. So what basically happened was that I was at a really, really dark place again, far darker than I had ever experienced. And it was really eating me up. I was feeling suffocated, and the devastation felt complete again, and I stopped functioning. And I was at a really bad place. I wrote my story to the group, and one of the older brothers responded to that. He was really kind and persistent, masha'Allah. But because I wasn't . . . I mean, I was going down two parallel roads at the time. The reason I had googled "gay Muslims" wasn't because I wanted to abstain from same-sex encounters.

Waheed:   0:00
Or to find a solution.

Sinan:   0:00
I wanted to find a solution, some way to justify these encounters because I felt suffocated and devastated, and I need someone to love, a man that I could call my own. So I was on Straight Struggle, but at the same time I really wanted to find this man that I could live a life with because I was really, really suffocating. And this brother wrote to me, and by the way, he's my angel. That was in 2017, in November. He had written to me a few times earlier, and I didn't respond. I had actually stopped checking my e-mail, I mean my mails from Straight Struggle. And then in November, late in November, 2017, I just logged on to it and there were these mails from him saying, "Assalamu 'alaikum, brother. I'm worried about you. What's going on? Please text me when you read this." And there were a few messages from in. And at the time, I was actually so badly off that I just wanted to find someone to be with. But, you know, I don't know why I wrote to him. I had lost all hope, okay? I had stopped making my du'as of protection a few years back, and I didn't feel protected. And honestly, I was so devastated that I didn't care anymore.    

Waheed:   0:00
At the time, were you acting out in any way to relieve the pressure that you were feeling?   

Sinan:   0:00
I was in contact with a few men, but I didn't meet with them. I was about to. So I went on this site where gay men hook up, and I created an anonymous profile, and I wrote back and forth with them. And initially it was a matter of acceptance also. Initially, I didn't want to hook up with them. My profile takes would be a man who is facing same-sex attractions, but I don't want to act upon them. I didn't say that I was Muslim, but, you know, my tag line showed my ethnicity. So you could tell that I was a Muslim in that way, but I didn't want to make Islam an issue in that setting, obviously. So I mean, that was my mission, obviously. I just wanted support. So I would write that, "Well, you know I am facing same-sex attractions and I don't want to act upon them. And yeah, so I'm just looking for friends, online friends only that I can write back and forth with." And people replied to that. They replied because, you know, the general reaction was that it was very eloquently written and they were very touched by it, by my way of delineating my devastation. They wanted to help, but eventually you know the interaction . . . because, I mean, it was the website. I mean, it's not a psychological hot spot, so to speak. People are there for a reason. They try to hook up and have same-sex encounters. So I mean, I would gain some friends, but also it was pushing me into that direction where it became more and more acceptable in my own mind that I could have an encounter with one of these men at some point, because I had lost hope, right? I mean, I was losing hope increasingly, but alhamdulillah it didn't happen. It didn't happen because Allah SWT, even though I'd stopped making my du'as, He kept answering my du'as from all of those years. He did protect me against acting out. Alhamdulillah. So while I was on that website writing with these men, He sent me my angel on Straight Struggle. And I remember, when I saw those messages that I talked about, he said, "Assalamu 'alaikum, brother. I'm worried about you. Please text me whenever you can." I texted him. But at the time, I had decided that I was going to meet with one of those men, those other men, and I felt that I had nothing to lose whatsoever, nothing to lose. So I told this complete stranger who was living in a different part of the world everything, from the very beginning. I said, "Wa 'alaikum assalam, brother. Just so you know, I'm millimeters away, inches away from acting out upon this." And he said, "Please don't lose contact with me. Stay online."

Waheed:   0:00
Because he knew that you were in a very, very sensitive place.

Sinan:   0:00
He knew I was at a very sensitive place and I was inches away from disaster, from the greatest mistake of my whole life. He knew that I was inches away from catastrophe.

Waheed:   0:00
And you were married, and you had kids. 

Sinan:   0:00
Yes, yes. He knew all about that, but mostly he was actually concerned about me and my religion, my faith. So my angel and I texted for hours that night. He went out of his way, completely left everything. He was so concerned that I would commit the worst mistake of my life. But I was still, after that first correspondence -- and we were just texting through Skype to each other -- I was still convinced that it was going to happen, but obviously I postponed it. And then we had a brief conversation for the first time a few days after that. I think it was November 17, and I just asked him one question. I didn't have time; I had guests when he called. And I just said, "You know, is there any way I can justify a same-sex encounter? I really need to be held by a man. I need to be held by a man." And then he said, “Well, you know, you can be held by a man, but there’s no way you can justify a same-sex encounter."

Waheed:   0:00
As in same-sex sexual intercourse.

Sinan:   0:00
Exactly. So if it becomes sexual . . . actually, he didn’t say sexual intercourse. He said that the baseline is if you experience shahwa . . .

Waheed:   0:00
Which is lust, desire.

Sinan:   0:00
Yes, desire. So he said, “If you experience desire in that very moment, then it's haram (prohibited). You can't do that.”

Waheed:   0:00
So when it becomes lustful, it's haram.  

Sinan:   0:00
It's haram. He said, “That's the baseline. But you can obviously be held by a man if you have that need, in a brotherly way, in a fatherly way, in a friendly way, platonically. But you cannot cross the line to lust, to shahwa.” So he put the ground straight; the lines were clear. He said, “There's no justification for that whatsoever.” And I told him, “Well, I mean, I could only do this for Allah SWT. But I can't do this, I can’t abstain from same-sex encounters anymore for anyone or anything else but Allah SWT.” And then he said, “Well, you know, this is Allah SWT asking it from you, that you're not supposed to do that and you're going to abstain from it fi sabil Allah [for the sake of God], for Him and Him only.” And then he said, “I feel relieved that you have that approach to Allah SWT."

Waheed:   0:00
Because He's the center of your existence.

Sinan:   0:00
Exactly. And he said, “I want you to hold on to that.” And what happened, subhan Allah, after that was that he really took care of me. He stepped in. He talked to me every single day, even though there was a time difference. He would talk to me for hours every day. And this is a man who was married, who has professional obligations. He's the head of a household, and he's got professional obligations. And even though he had that, he went out of his way for hours. Every day he would talk to me. He would make sure to put me to bed every single night. He would make sure that he would get a smile from me. He would give me a nightly prescription, very early on, saying to me that I should make wudu’ [ritual ablutions] every night, take my misbaha [prayer beads] in my hand, put my head on the pillow, hold on to my misbaha and just say Allah’s name until I would fall asleep. He would do that every night after we had talked about all kinds of things.

Waheed:   0:00
So that you would sleep with the remembrance of Allah on your tongue.

Sinan:   0:00
Yes. That was . . . he called it my nightly prescription.

Waheed:   0:00
That's beautiful.

Sinan:   0:00
Yes. We're still in contact. I mean, he's obviously one of the most important persons in my life. And whenever I am dealing with any kind of stress, not necessarily SSA related, he always says, “Okay, so we should take your nightly prescription again. You should do that.” So he always reminds me of that. God bless him, subhan Allah. I love him so much.

:   0:00


Waheed:   0:00
Let's take a moment to pray for him. May Allah bless him. Jazahullahu khayran [may God reward him with good].  

Sinan:   0:00
Ameen, ameen, ameen, ameen. May Allah bless him, protect him, and preserve him, insha’Allah, and grant him whatever his beautiful, amazing, wonderful, loving, caring, kind, sweet, heart and soul wishes, insha’Allah. He’s my guardian angel. And what he also would do was that despite the time difference, he would make sure that I would wake up to either a recording, an audio recording, or a huge amount of loving and caring messages. So basically, he would put me to bed and he would make sure that he would wake me up, so to speak, that I would wake up to his love. And then he would say, “Please let me know how you're doing throughout the day. I will check my phone the second I wake up and I would be relieved if you tell me how your day is going so I can make du’as for you.” So he really, really gave me that connection to someone. As I said, personal acceptance is important, and this perfect stranger was giving me just that. And he was a fellow Muslim.So basically, he would put me to bed and he would make sure that he would wake me up, so to speak, that I would wake up to his love. And then he would say, “Please let me know how you're doing throughout the day. I will check my phone the second I wake up and I would be relieved if you tell me how your day is going so I can make du’as for you.” So he really, really gave me that connection to someone. As I said, personal acceptance is important, and this perfect stranger was giving me just that. And he was a fellow Muslim.

Waheed:   0:00
Subhan Allah. You were looking for someone to embrace you. And then you found . . . Allah sent you the perfect person to embrace you. You wanted someone to hug you, so to speak. But he did that virtually. He stepped out of his way to make sure you're doing alright, to make sure that you are still connected to Allah SWT, to make sure that you were emotionally stable. He invested in that. You were looking for exactly that. And even though it wasn't face to face -- you weren't in the same country or time zone -- but subhan Allah, that worked out so beautifully.    

Sinan:   0:00
It did. It did. This is also part of the reason that I'm doing this episode with you, Waheed. It’s because I want that to be my message to the Muslim community at large: please reach out to people and accept them. What my guardian angel did was something that I didn't believe anyone, any Muslim, would ever give me. I was being shown and given unconditional love, unconditional acceptance, understanding, compassion, care, kindness from a fellow Muslim without the slightest condemnation. And because I felt that I had nothing to lose to begin with, full transparency became the foundation of our relationship, so I could tell him anything, and I did that. And he approached me with respect and with curiosity. He is a very investigating soul, o he asked a lot of questions. He really needed, wanted to understand what the nature of my struggle was. And I told him everything. I told him things that I'm not even going to address in this episode. And never did he meet me with condemnation because he knew that, looking back, he knew that he had picked up a person whose nafs [ego] was erased completely. I didn't have any ego. I was in devastation, and I told him that. I couldn't breathe.It did. It did. This is also part of the reason that I'm doing this episode with you, Waheed. It’s because I want that to be my message to the Muslim community at large: please reach out to people and accept them. What my guardian angel did was something that I didn't believe anyone, any Muslim, would ever give me. I was being shown and given unconditional love, unconditional acceptance, understanding, compassion, care, kindness from a fellow Muslim without the slightest condemnation. And because I felt that I had nothing to lose to begin with, full transparency became the foundation of our relationship, so I could tell him anything, and I did that. And he approached me with respect and with curiosity. He is a very investigating soul, o he asked a lot of questions. He really needed, wanted to understand what the nature of my struggle was. And I told him everything. I told him things that I'm not even going to address in this episode. And never did he meet me with condemnation because he knew that, looking back, he knew that he had picked up a person whose nafs [ego] was erased completely. I didn't have any ego. I was in devastation, and I told him that. I couldn't breathe.

Waheed:   0:00
And completely broken.

Sinan:   0:00
I was broken. So instead of meeting me with disgust and condemnation, he met me with respect and acceptance and love, and that made the whole difference. Subhanallah, alhamdulillah. And I needed that, right? I needed that. I didn't think, I didn't believe that I could have that from a Muslim, from a fellow Muslim, and here he was being so loving and caring and kind and sweet. It was phenomenal, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah. And I'm smiling now. I want the audience to know that, the listeners.

Waheed:   0:00
Yeah, subhanallah. During the first part of the episode when you were talking about your past and that very painful period, it was very triggering for you, and I'm sure that the audience felt that. But now, alhamdulillah, there's a huge shift and you're very peaceful. Your whole voice and face, subhanallah, they lit up. It just goes to show how deep all these experiences are, subhanallah.

Sinan:   0:00
Yeah, subhanallah. So basically, that's a personal thing. That's the personal part of my relationship with him, what I gained from that, what he meant to me. But emotionally, he also became my father figure. So one of the things, one of the first things he said when I said I needed to be held by a man, he said that – really, I remember, I was so touched when he said that -- he said, “Had I been there with you know, I would have held you very tight.” And I was just so moved by that, because here was a man that knew that I was facing same-sex attractions, right? And not only wasn't he disgusted by me, he actually wanted to hold me because he knew that that was a basic need in me.

Waheed:   0:00
That was huge. That was huge.

Sinan:   0:00
It goes beyond human expression, subhanallah, what that mean meant to me. That was really phenomenal; it really was. But also what he was doing was giving me the possibility to verbalize everything: my desires, my longings, my cravings, the source of my suffocation, what I felt, how he felt. And you know, he never . . . he was so full of hope. He was so full of hope. And it was quite interesting because afterwards -- I mean, after I became well -- he told me that he actually didn't know his ways. He was so afraid that he would say something that would trigger me or break me because he didn't know how to deal with this. But my perception of him was that he knew exactly what he was doing, subhanallah. So my perception was that he knew exactly what he was doing. And he felt inadequate. He felt, “Oh, what am I going to say to this guy and how am I going to deal with this, these layers of darkness and suffocation and devastation and wow!”

Waheed:   0:00
And just to be clear, he’s not a therapist.

Sinan:   0:00
He’s not a therapist, no. But my perception of him was that this guy knows exactly what it what it is that he's doing. Not only was he my guardian angel, but Allah SWT was guiding him and directing him, subhanallah, to help me.

Waheed:   0:00
Subhanallah, Allah answered your du’a. It took a long time for the du’as to be answered, but it came at the proper moment, after you said you have left – or you had stopped making – those du’as, they just were answered at a perfect moment, subhanallah.

Sinan:   0:00
I'm actually glad that you’re mentioning that, Waheed, because my looking back – and this is also very emotional to me – looking back, there's this principle in Islam, in our faith, saying that Allah SWT will never give you a burden, put a burden on your shoulders that you are not able to bear. And the help came just as the burden that He had given me became unbearable. So up until that point, I was on my own because Allah SWT has guaranteed does that He will never give us a burden that we are not capable of bearing, of lifting. But just as the burden itself became unbearable to me, that's when this brother appeared in my life and – I would like to say accidentally, but nothing is accidental. I checked my e-mail and saw messages from him, worried messages saying, “Salam, brother. I'm worried. Please text me.” So Allah SWT kept a promise that He gives every human being in His holy book that He will never send us a burden that we can’t bear. And I love my Lord so much when I think of that, because my guardian angel came as He has promised, He SWT has promised.

Waheed:   0:00
So, you said that you developed a relationship with him. You looked at him as your father figure.

Sinan:   0:00
I didn't look at him as my father figure. I actually looked at him as my older brother. But he became my father figure in that moment when he said, “Had been there with you, I would have held you,” because that was something that I had been missing. And mind you, I was up until that point, up until I met him, I really didn’t care where my SSA came from. I mean, I didn't care if it was biological, if it came from my upbringing, if it was a combination of different factors, I really didn't care. I couldn’t care less.

Waheed:   0:00
It's just that you had it.

Sinan:   0:00
I had SSA, and that was it. That was my basic condition in life. That was the thing that I was dealing with. But what really happened when he said that was that I realized and, you know . . . my SSA is two-stringed: I needed to be held by an older man, and I would objectify older men for that reason.

Waheed:   0:00
As in sexualize them.

Sinan:   0:00
Yes. I would sexualize older men for that reason. I mean, up until that point when I met my guardian angel online, I was so badly off that I sexualized every single man that I would meet on the street. It was really, it was everywhere. It taken control of my life fully, completely. And there was a lot of guilt combined with that because, I mean, I'm not supposed to sexualize, I'm not supposed to objectify men. So, being connected to Allah SWT on the one hand and objectifying practically every single man that I met on the street was not compatible, right? So yeah, so he became my father figure when he said that, when he said, “Had I been there with you, I would have held you.” And then I realized that, yeah, I do have issues with my father, with my own father. And I'm not saying that my SSA is coming from that completely, but I started realizing that that could be one of the factors.Yes. I would sexualize older men for that reason. I mean, up until that point when I met my guardian angel online, I was so badly off that I sexualized every single man that I would meet on the street. It was really, it was everywhere. It taken control of my life fully, completely. And there was a lot of guilt combined with that because, I mean, I'm not supposed to sexualize, I'm not supposed to objectify men. So, being connected to Allah SWT on the one hand and objectifying practically every single man that I met on the street was not compatible, right? So yeah, so he became my father figure when he said that, when he said, “Had I been there with you, I would have held you.” And then I realized that, yeah, I do have issues with my father, with my own father. And I'm not saying that my SSA is coming from that completely, but I started realizing that that could be one of the factors.So what happened was that he gave me that emotional fulfillment that I was lacking, that I wasn't aware of before. And at the same time we were talking about all of these, I mean, me being in this T-junction that I told you about: being torn between Allah SWT on the right side and my SSA on the left side. And what happened ten days or something down the road after our first contact, I told him, “You know, I know that I have to give this up. My mind tells me that I have to give this up for Allah SWT, but my feelings are holding me back, and I don't know what to do with my feelings. I mean, I can't just . . . I'm afraid that the suffocation will never end. And what he basically told me as a response to that was that your mind has accepted that you have to give up on this, but your heart is still coveting it, and we need to make du’as that you can give up on that. But existentially you have accepted now that existentially you have to make a choice. And you’ve known that for a long time, but you have to make a choice between the two. The source of your suffocation is that you haven't made a choice, and you know that you have to choose Allah SWT, but your heart is not ready. And we will make du’as that that will happen. And he said -- you know, because I told him that my psychologist didn't have an agenda -- and he said from the very beginning, he said, “I have a disclaimer: I do have an agenda. My agenda is Allah SWT.

Waheed:   0:00
Beautiful, masha’Allah.

Sinan:   0:00
He said, “I do have an agenda, I have to be completely honest with you: it's Allah SWT. So we will make du’as for that.” And then he said, “We’re making du’as . . . Maybe this won't go away completely – the attraction, or the suffocation – but it will become manageable, insha’Allah.” And I said I wanted it to be manageable. That was a dream. I mean, that would be a dream come true, just for it to be manageable – the suffocation. I'm not talking about the same-sex attractions actually, I'm talking about the suffocation and the sense of devastation, complete mental devastation, that I was facing. I just wanted it to be manageable. So what he said was that basically, we want this to become manageable for you. And he actually said, “Maybe a few years down the road it will become so, and you will feel some relief, insha’Allah.” What happened was that on the night of the 28th of December, 2017, forty days after we first got in contact with each other, something dramatic happened. So we were texting and I said, “You know, I know that my SSA – I mean, same-sex encounters – are condemned in Islam, but I don't see my SSA as something wrong.” 

Waheed:   0:00
The attractions part.

Sinan:   0:00
The attractions. “I see it as a gift. I appreciate men. But what I am about to come to terms with is that Allah SWT has given me this in order for me to give it back to Him. And I'm realizing now that this was the purpose of giving me SSA to begin with. It gave me something that was within my reach, but at the same time He told me, ‘You can't do it, and you're not going to do it, for Me.’ So He basically wants me to give it back to Him.”

Waheed:   0:00
To let go of that for His sake.

Sinan:   0:00
Yes. So He's asking me to give my SSA back to Him, to make that sacrifice. And sacrifices hurt, otherwise they're not sacrifices, so . . . And all of a sudden, I had my heart opened up. And I remember I was texting [him]. I mean, during these previous forty days, I would never let go of him – my guardian angel – I wouldn't be the one who would end a conversation or a correspondence, a chat, so to speak, on Skype. He would always make sure that I was at a good place, and then he would end the conversation and say, “So, okay now, brother, if you're at a good place, I will end this now.” And for the first time – because I had that realization and my heart opened up – I told him, I said, “I have to go now. I have to go now because I can feel that Allah SWT is calling upon me and I have to meet Him. I have to tell Him this in sujud [prostration],” that I'm giving it up for Him. And he said, “By all means, go, go, go, go! Don’t apologize, just go.” And I did that. And what I experienced was calmness, peace, and clarity, but mostly calmness. I remember the calmness. I was so calm. And that's my miracle. That's when . . . I felt immediately that the suffocation, the devastation, the pain would never come back again. It was gone.

Waheed:   0:00
So what happened exactly that night? You spoke to Allah SWT.

Sinan:   0:00
I spoke to Allah SWT, and I said, “Ya Rabb [O Lord], You have given me this natural inclination, and this is a test from You,” – obviously I have always known that – “but I am surrendering myself to You. I'm giving myself up for Your sake completely, and I'm giving this back to You because You want that from me. You gave it to me in order for me to sacrifice it to You, just like You gave Sayyidna Isma’il to Ibrahim and then You said, “You have to sacrifice him for My sake, your own son.” And that’s an excruciating thing, right? To sacrifice your own flesh and blood. “So I'm sacrificing this to You, and I can see why You gave it to me. I can see now the meaning of You putting this burden on my shoulders, and I'm giving it back to You. I'm giving it back to You and I'm not taking it back again. It's Yours.”  From that moment on, I began feeling a slight physical . . . I won’t call it pain, but it was, you know, I could feel Allah SWT in my chest. And I had that feeling for months after that. For months, and still until this day. I mean, I don't have it constantly now, but in those initial months, I had it all the time. I mean, I woke up and it was the first thing I could feel. It was that […]. Until this day, whenever I want to reconnect with Allah SWT, I just think of Him and that happens; I can feel Him. Alhamdulillah. So, that's the miracle, as I like to refer to it. And I said that it's not coming back. And obviously my guardian angel – because he knew how devastated I was – he had a hard time believing it to begin with. But initially accepted it also when he realized that, okay, this is real. This really is a miracle; it's not coming back. And being that incredibly intelligent person he is – an analytical mind, amazingly analytical mind that he also is – he said, “Well, you know, you've burst the bubble. It’s like when a kid stops believing in Santa Claus; well, he could never believe in Santa Claus of again."

Waheed:   0:00
When he finds out the truth.

Sinan:   0:00
Yes. "And you've found out the truth. The mask has fallen. You've killed the beast."

Waheed:   0:00
And so the period after that, how did things change in you? How did you feel that things were evolving? Improving?

Sinan:   0:00
Well, with complete submission, He, subhanahu wa ta'ala gives you peace. As my guardian angel likes to call it, "aslim taslam" - this piece and surrender. So I was calm. I didn't feel suffocation. It disappeared overnight. And I deleted all profiles that I had on different websites, and I just made a lot of prayers of gratitude, and I felt connected to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. As my guardian angel always said, and he actually said this to begin with, even before the miracle, he said, "Our criteria for success is not for your same-sex attractions to go away, it's for your heart to surrender completely to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and to accept that." And that is what happened ultimately.

Waheed:   0:00
For you to feel at peace, and to feel comfort in your own skin..

Sinan:   0:00
To accept my faith, basically. For my heart to accept my faith. I mean, you can stop any child coming out of a masjid, and he would tell you this, "Islam is all about submitting yourself to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. So you should give everything up for Him." And one thing is to say that, one thing is for our minds to accept that, and then for our hearts to accept the very same. And this was the core of my struggle. And I didn't see that until my guardian angel came into my life and took all of the pieces that were thrown into the ground and full of filth, and he just took every piece up, dusted it off, cleansed it and put it into its rightful place. And at the end, everything was in its right place, and it was all clean and perfect. And that's when my heart decided to open up and surrender. But it was all because I was given the emotional support and personal acceptance to make that existential choice between right and wrong.

Waheed:   0:00
You know, there's a concept in reparative therapy which addresses same-sex attractions, and therapists would tell you that there is a need to have a salient man in the life of individual struggling with this. And by salient, they say that the man should be benevolent, loving and warm, but at the same time, firm that strong. So you felt that this guardian angel person that you describe portrays these characteristics?

Sinan:   0:00
I would say so, most definitely. I also have to say about repetitive therapy that I was introduced to the concept the first time when I joined Straight Struggle. My initial response was that I was completely dismissive of it. I didn't feel that it resonated with me.

Waheed:   0:00
You've never personally had any such.. You've never went to a specific therapist and asked for that kind of therapy?

Sinan:   0:00
No, no. And I also knew, deep down in my heart, I felt deep down in my heart, anyway, let me put it that way, that it wasn't something for me. I didn't see that the reason I was attracted to older men was because I was actually having issues with my own father, coming from my childhood. Looking back now, I can see that my guardian angel did become my father figure. I also like to call him my father by choice. Or by fate. I mean, I would say yes, what you said is correct to some extent, but I don't know that much about reparative therapy, I have to be honest with you when it comes to that. But yes, I mean, it does resonate with me now. I would like to say to people who may have the same reservations as I had to reparative therapy, that - because I was actually offended when I first heard of it. I said, "This is so unscientific, and you don't need to have a bad childhood to have developed SSA. Maybe there's no reason for your SSA. And what is important is not reasons, it's that you have it, period." I mean, regardless. So I didn't accept that it could have an impact on the healing, because I didn't care about the causes. I could see the effects of it, and that was complete devastation, complete suffocation, a huge, huge incomprehensible pain that took over my life. That was the effects of it. And I was focusing on that. I didn't care a thing about the causes. I can see today, with my guardian angel and what he did to me, for me, with me, that emotional support from a man, an older man was absolutely crucial, in my case, to be able to open up for the healing process - to open up to the existential realizations that I needed, and for the choices that I needed to make. Had he not given me that, I wouldn't have been able to make that final choice. So by giving me that emotional support, he unarmed some of the dangerous parts, he gave me the grounds to feel safe to make that choice. I was being helped by my father figure. He was giving me love and acceptance. He didn't condemn me. He just gave me guidance and understanding and compassion. So it was safe for me to make that choice. It was safe for my heart, for my heart to open up. That's basically what happened ultimately, alhamdulillah.

Waheed:   0:00
So just as a clarification, you are talking about the way that you personally perceived the concepts of reparative therapy, right? And from episode 7 until 12, inshaAllah, we are going to address this in detail, and to clarify a lot of misconceptions, and to see that a lot of what you have personally experienced with your guardian angel actually are fundamental principles in the path of growth and healing for individuals who have same-sex attractions. The need to have an individual, a man, who is benevolent and loving and caring, and at the same time, firm and strong, to address these issues, as you said, you know, to disarm you, to unravel and to allow you to be transparent and open, and to address a lot of the pains that you're going through, a lot of the traumas that you have. And a lot of us don't realize this, inshaAllah, we will get into more details in the future. But, childhood does play a role - I'm not saying that every individual case, but in a large proportion of people who have same-sex attractions, childhood experiences do play a big role. Traumas that we endure as children; we may realize this consciously, or they may be embedded in our subconscious. But, you know, proper therapy does help address these, and allows them to surface and to address them in a way that people can heal. So my question to you is, looking back at your childhood, do you identify specific patterns, or have you, after this process of growth and healing that you have experienced in the past two years, alhamdulillah, do you feel that some experiences in your childhood have left a long-lasting impact on you, personally, like traumatizing events, maybe, events of abuse, your relationship with your father, your relationship with mother, your relationship with your peers, the way that you perceived your own body, etc. What can you share with us when it comes to that? I know it's a huge question.

Sinan:   0:00
It's multiple questions.. Right. You know, there's a phrase where I come from saying that "it's never too late to have a bad childhood."

Waheed:   0:00
Okay, Interesting.

Sinan:   0:00
And I used to think of my childhood as neutral. It wasn't a happy childhood. I didn't feel that it was a bad childhood. It was neutral. After my guardian angel and all of this healing that I've been going through for the past two years, and I just want to clarify that the miracle happened two years ago, I've been looking at my childhood with a different lens. I can see now that it was a horrible childhood. I didn't feel earlier on that the fact that I was living in a household where we, myself and my siblings, were physically abused, beaten up, was a problem. We were actually living in an environment of constant terror and fear. We would always fear the time when our father would come home from work. There was a lot of humiliation. I mean, looking back, it was as if he would find pleasure in beating us in public. One thing is to be beaten up, you know, and to be disciplined in that way, and another thing is for it to be happening in public, right? So on top of the physical pain, to also be being humiliated. And that obviously does something to you, right? So I've realized that. My guardian angel has actually helped me confront my parents with that, he's still helping me do that and supporting me in doing that. Obviously, he, too, believes that when it comes to your parents, we have to stand by our Islamic principles, so you can't disrespect your parents, but it's perfectly understandable and justifiable to confront your parents with their wrongdoings in a respectful manner, obviously. So he's helping me do that, and that's also part of my healing process. And, obviously, I didn't have a loving relationship with my own father. On the contrary, I was very detached from him. I still am. When you are brought up like that, it's difficult to have that connection later on. So I'm very detached from him. But, you know, we have a decent relationship, alhamdulillah. It's very civilized.

Waheed:   0:00
So things have improved?

Sinan:   0:00
Things have improved, alhamdulillah, and he has accepted that he was at a very bad place, and that he wasn't present in our lives the way that he should have been. He didn't give us the love and care that we're in need of, being his children. So basically, my guardian angel has helped me restore my relationship with my father.

Waheed:   0:00
MashaAllah!

Sinan:   0:00
MashaAllah. God bless him, subhan Allah. I love him so much. Yeah, so basically, that's the thing with my father. So did I experience other childhood traumas? Well, it didn't feel like childhood traumas at the time. But when I was very young, actually, when I was six, I had a, what you would call a same-sex encounter with my uncle, who was three years older than me.

Waheed:   0:00
So he was still a kid himself. 

Sinan:   0:00
He was still a kid himself. And that repeated itself a few years later on, when we were older, when I was 12 and he was 15. I don't remember it as traumatic. But obviously, no child at the age of six should have sexual relations with anyone.

Waheed:   0:00
Exactly. Absolutely.

Sinan:   0:00
So it has undeniably had an impact. I don't know which impact, or how, or to what degree, but it has undeniably had an impact on my life. And obviously, it wasn't initiated by me, I was six and he was the older one, he was nine. And later on, we were teenagers, and it was still not initiated by me, it was still initiated by him.

Waheed:   0:00
But there was an element of early sexualization.

Sinan:   0:00
Very early sex sexualization that should not have happened to anyone, to any child. So that happened. Basically, that was it.

Waheed:   0:00
Okay, so going back now to the present, and how things have evolved very positively for you, alhamdulillah. How do you describe your present life at the moment? How you feel personally, the level of peace that you have, your relationship with your kids, your wife? You know, all of that.

Sinan:   0:00
I'm at a much better place. I'm at a place that I never imagined that I would come to, alhamdulillah. I am so relieved and I'm so grateful. And I'm full of hope, I have to say that. Obviously, I am still challenged with SSA, of course, it's a basic condition in my life. I have accepted it as such. I am not a gay person. I am a Muslim man. I'm a father. I'm a husband. I'm a soulmate. I'm a friend. I'm a son. I'm a brother in faith, facing SSA.

Waheed:   0:00
Beautiful, mashaAllah.

Sinan:   0:00
It's not part of who I am. It never was. And I have accepted it as such. But I'm not in denial of the potential repercussions of my SSA. I've embraced them. I've embraced myself. I've accepted myself. I've gained acceptance from, not only my guardian angel, but now several brothers that I've met as well, and you, obviously, Waheed.

Waheed:   0:00
I'm honored, alhamdulillah.

Sinan:   0:00
The honor is completely on my side. So I have all the acceptance that I was longing for from my fellow Muslims. I feel accepted by Muslims, by people from my own faith, and that has made all the difference. Alhamdulillah. I feel supported. And whenever I feel challenged with my SSA, I have a support system, I have people to turn to, alhamdulillah, and it's not existential anymore. It's not this huge question of what to do, what to choose. No, I have chosen and I have given it up to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. Everything, alhamdulillah. I have given it back to Him. I've said, "You gave me that blessing", that's how I perceive my SSA, as a blessing, "And at the same time, you wanted it back, so I gave it to you." And now I'm just facing, you know, challenges. I've made peace with my fate. So whenever I do feel challenged, I have a support system to turn to, and then we can take it from there, and it's manageable, it's doable, alhamdulillah.

Waheed:   0:00
So just as a clarification, you mentioned a few minutes ago something about the beast and slaying the beast, and the mask having fallen. So what mask are you basically talking about? And what do you mean when you say that the mask had finally fallen from the beast?So just as a clarification, you mentioned a few minutes ago something about the beast and slaying the beast, and the mask having fallen. So what mask are you basically talking about? And what do you mean when you say that the mask had finally fallen from the beast?

Sinan:   0:00
What I mean by the mask having fallen is that, with my guardian angel throughout those 40 days, while we were talking to each other, in addition to him supporting me, we actually did a lot of work, a lot of conceptual work, a lot of dissecting and unpacking this huge monster that I was dealing with. He kept telling me, "You know, Sinan, this thing that has been sitting on top of you and suffocating you for years, it's not just one undifferentiated thing. There are a number of things going on here underneath the surface. There are layers here that we need to unpack. We need to separate out all the strands and deal with them one by one. Instead of using muscle power, we would dissect it into pieces. Divide and conquer, so to speak. Otherwise, you would not be able to end the suffocation. You have been using all this muscle power all these years. We need to dissect it into pieces. And that's what we did. In conversation after conversation over those forty days, we picked apart this thing called "same-sex attraction" or "homosexuality" that had been suffocating me for years. Of course, in my perception at the time, a huge part of it was sexual, but my guardian angel kept telling me there was an emotional part as well. He kept saying that he wasn't even interested in talking about my SSA per se, because he sensed that it was just a surface manifestation of deeper-lying issues. So there was the sexual part, but there was also a very important emotional part. So what happened was me realizing that a lot of this had to do with unmet emotional needs from my childhood and other family issues, as I mentioned before. And then I had the feeling of being met by my guardian angel and that actually released a lot of tension. So we would work on the sexual part, but he kept saying that that's not the important part, there's the emotional part. And then there was, of course, the spiritual component to the whole thing, that he was very interested in. By that, I mean the fact that my heart was torn between Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, and craving this thing that was not legitimate for me to have. This T-junction that I was telling you about, that my heart was torn between the emotional and spiritual needs, and my heart was stuck in that junction and I couldn't choose. And my guardian angel kept telling me: the heart can crave anything. Some people crave money, some people crave power, some people crave what you crave. And he kept telling me that And for each and every person, the moment comes when he has to decide -- deep down in his heart -- between what he covets in his heart, what he's craving and what Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala wants from him. A very existential and spiritual component that I had to deal with, and I knew that from the very beginning that I had to make a choice. But in order to make a choice between Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and what my heart was coveting, I needed to be embraced emotionally, and he gave me that, my guardian angel. But also, he was dissecting everything, this huge monster, into pieces, and that made it easy for me to take the step. And so realizing that there were several things going on here at once, several layers that had come together to form a huge knot that had been choking me for years and that I couldn't figure out how to untie. That was basically the issue and what we were working on, "Divide and conquer." He kept saying: "we know that Allah did not create men to be with other men, otherwise He wouldn't have forbidden it; that much is obvious. So there HAS to be something else going on here. We just need to keep digging and try to figure out what it is." And that's precisely what we did, alhamdulillah. So we kept digging and digging until the mask fell. So when I say the mask fell and the monster was exposed, I mean to say that this blob, this huge knot that had been weighing down on me for years had finally been dismantled. With my guardian angel, we had shone a flashlight onto the individual parts that made it up and therefore demystified my problem. Yes, that's what we did: we demystified it. And once something has been demystified, you really can't re-mystify it again, right? You can't go back, once you've seen that it's false, you can't go back on that realization. That's why I said it's like a child who one day discovers that Santa Claus isn't real. Once he realizes that, he can never believe in him again. Because Santa would be gone forever. So basically, it was this dismantling, which we had done so much work on, that laid the ground for the miracle to occur and which -- in combination with that last, excruciating step of truly giving everything up to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, completely and utterly, led overnight to a miraculous lifting of the cloud, and a dissipation of that horrible, horrible darkness that had been weighing down on me for so long - decades-long devastation and suffocation. The devastation was all of a sudden gone. For the first time ever. Completely gone, and it has never come back, alhamdulillah. And I actually felt on the day after the miracle, and for many weeks after that, completely filled with the love of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, in my heart and in my whole being. I was basking in His warmth, His love, and the serenity of peace in Him, alhamdulillah.

Waheed:   1:48:48
That's beautiful. Subhan Allah..

Sinan:   1:48:53
Alhamdulillah washukrulillah. The most important part of the miracle was obviously the calmness, peace and tranquillity that became an integral part of my life. Right? Right after the miracle, alhamdulillah, the suffocation ended and so did the feeling of being trapped in a state of complete devastation, subhan Allah. So that's what comes to my mind when I think about the time right after this miracle. But I also did experience other dramatic and very immediate changes; changes that were apparent to me, the very next day actually after the miracle. I no longer objectified or sexualized men. I actually stopped doing that right after the miracle. This stopped overnight, subhan Allah, and the days and weeks and months and even years that followed have consolidated the feelings of peace and tranquility that I was feeling right after the miracle. I increasingly began resting in my own skin when I was around other men. That's a very significant change, and it still is. Mind you, before the miracle, I had begun isolating myself from other men, particularly Muslim men, as I was ashamed that I would objectify them constantly. For instance, if I were to accidentally touch a man with my arm, my whole body would get "electrifed" before the miracle, and obviously that would lead to a lot of shame and guilt. So I would isolate myself, consequently. After the miracle that changed completely. It did so all at once. I really felt, finally, that I was set free. So what happened was that I resumed my previous meetings with the brothers from my Muslim community, and I particularly remember an incident a few weeks after the miracle, where I attended a weekly thikr [remembrance] gathering that I had abandoned due to my previous and very massive challenges coming from my SSA. And I can tell you, it was really, really liberating to attend a gathering and to see and experience that I could actually spend time with my Muslims brothers and friends without objectifying them. It was really, really nice. And I remember that I called my guardian angel right after I left the gathering. And I was, subhan Allah, I was ecstatic, and he was very amazed and very grateful, alhamdulillah. And we celebrated, alhamdulillah, by praising Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. Similar experiences also have happened in the following months, yeah, and I just stopped objectifying men, just because they were men altogether. So, no matter where I went, say to the beach, Jum'aah prayers or family gatherings, I was just a man among other men. That was the conclusion that I kept reporting to my guardian angel. He, at some point said, "Well, you know, Sinan, you have reached a point where you have become a man among other men. It is as simple as that". And that, subhan Allah, was a huge gift. It was and still is extremely liberating, alhamdulillah washukrulillah, and I praise Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, alhamdulillah.

Waheed:   1:53:19
That's amazing, mashaAllah.

Sinan:   1:53:20
One of those changes after that incredible miracle, alhamdulillah. Obviously, I am still challenged by my SSA, from time to time, and I most likely will be for the rest of my life, Allahu a'alam [Allah knows best]. But you know, that's the basic condition in my life, right? And I am working on those challenges with the help of my brothers who know about me, in particular my guardian angel, of course, but the intensity and the extent of those challenges decreased dramatically, alhamdulillah, right after the miracle and they never really re-bounced again, alhamdulillah washukrulillah. 

Waheed:   2:10:16
So one question that the audience might be wondering right now.. So, knowing that you were in a very bad state before, and, alhamdulillah, Allah has taken you out of that state. But when you were in a very bad state, and you got married, and then you had kids, and then things got worse for you, mentally, emotionally and even physically. A lot of the audience members might be asking, "Is it fair to your wife that she went into this kind of marriage without knowing what you were dealing with or the fact that she had to endure all of this?" As you said, you know, she was taking care of you, she was taking care of the kids, she was a working mother and she had her own personal issues, obviously, we all do. Now, alhamdulillah, things are much better between you, as you said. But how would you respond to this?

Sinan:   2:10:16
It's a very difficult question. There's no easy answer for it. "Is it fair to her?" No, honestly, no. And it's also one of my remaining main concerns, that on the Day of Judgement, on the Day of Resurrection, I will have to face her. But I did this, I married her fi sabeel Allah [for the sake of Allah]. When I got married, I was 100% sam-sex attracted. I wasn't in the need of marrying a woman. So I only married my wife for the sake of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. I only married her because I wanted to complete my deen. I also married her because I knew that that would be something that would guard me, that will keep me on Al-Sirat Al-Mustaqeem [The Straight Path]. So if nothing else, I hope that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala will step in, inshaAllah, and tell her, "He should have told you, but you know what? Because you endured all of that, I'm giving you Jannah", inshaAllah, and that that will make her forgive me.

Waheed:   2:10:16
That's very, very sweet, mashaAllah. Ameen. Ameen.

Waheed:   2:10:16
So one of the questions that might also come up with the listeners who would say, "We have tried to give this up for Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, and it's still very painful. It's still so devastating." In your case, Sinan, you have had, you know, this guardian angel in your life who has facilitated that. Had it not been for him, that choice would have been incredibly difficult. He wouldn't have been able to do it, right? So it's not just a matter of, "At this moment, I'm giving it up for Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, and SSA is not gonna be a problem in my life." Right? So there are nuances and there are layers to that, right?

Sinan:   2:10:16
Exactly. Barak Allah feek for pointing that out. What I want to say is that, I had to deal with SSA for three decades, and I was suffering for two decades, when I met my guardian angel. And when he met me, I was in a complete state of devastation and suffocation. And I was virtually lying in the gutter, and I was just about to commit the mistake of my life. So two decades of devastation evaporated within 40 days. And this is what my message is to the Muslim Ummah. Forty days of love. Forty days of unconditional love. This is my message to the Muslim Ummah. Accept people for who they are. Love them. Give them understanding. Don't ostracise them because you are afraid of their challenge. It's not contagious. You won't get infected. You don't have to air your disgust. Don't alienate them. Approach us the same way you would approach any other Muslim dealing with any other challenge that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala has given. So if someone who has a drinking problem comes to you, comes to the masjid and says, "You know what? I have a drinking problem. I suffer from alcoholism. I don't know what to do." You won't say "Authubillah! What is that? Can you get out of the masjid?" - No! You'd say, subhan Allah, with all the empathy and all the love, all the caring that you can muster, you's say "subhan Allah akhi, that must be really hard. How can I help you with this? May Allah help you with this. Let's make duaas together." You would give them support. Exactly. And for us to do that, for people with SSA to do that, we need an inviting environment, and I didn't feel that I could do that, even though people, as I said, people really loved me in different Muslim communities in my country. But even though I had that, I didn't feel safe enough to come out to them, to tell them that I am suffering from this. "What can I do? Can you please help me?" And I need that so badly. And isn't it tragic that when I finally decided that I needed support and I needed to come out, I could only do that to that to a non-Muslim? And after having done that, and feeling the immediate relief that it gave me, and I needed more of that, I could only go on a gay website and tell that to promiscuous gay men instead of feeling that I could go to my Muslim brothers and sisters? Isn't that tragic? Subhan Allah. That's why I'm doing this, this episode. And let me say this also. And you know this, Waheed. I have had a lot of reservations doing this, telling my story. Some of the reservations were, obviously, that I knew that I would do this so thoroughly, with so many details, that actually, if someone who I know listens to this, he/she would immediately know who I am. So there's a risk. And also I knew that it would really be painful, and, to be honest, this is the first time in two years that I went back to my suffocation. After the miracle, I closed the door to it. And actually, my guardian angel asked me if we could write an article about this, and I said, "Yeah, we could do that." But I never did it, because it was too painful. So, I'm doing this because of two things. First and foremost, I want to give a message to all my brothers and sisters, who are suffering from SSA, that regardless of how grave and severe, suffocating and devastating, you might feel that this is, and if there's no light at the end of the tunnel, in fact, there's no tunnel, it's complete darkness. You're in a dungeon and it's rotten, and it's smelly and it's complete darkness.

Waheed:   2:10:16
There's no way out. Even a lot of people are on the verge of suicide.

Sinan:   2:10:16
Yes, exactly. And I had that death wish for so long. So regardless of how devastated you feel, and how hopeless you feel, you should know that I've been there in your shoes. I felt the exact same thing. But you should also know that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala obviously always keeps His promises, and that He will lift this burden for you, when the time has come, inshaAllah. There's hope, and you should never lose hope. I lost hope, and it was almost fatal. Please don't ever lose hope. This is my message to all my brothers and sisters out there who are suffering from this. I know what you're going through. I've been there. I've been in your shoes. It will get manageable, inshaAllah. It will get better, inshaAllah, the second you're ready to make peace with your destiny, inshaAllah ta'ala. And I hope that you will find someone who can help you facilitate that. Which brings me to my second message: to the Muslim Ummah. Please reach out to your Muslim brothers and sisters who are suffering from this. We need you. It's actually crucial that you step up. We need you. You may save - this may be your ticket to Jannah, inshaAllah, to help a fellow Muslim reach peace and acceptance. And on top of the reward that comes from that, you will have a life-long Muslim who will make du'aas for you. I have made niyyahs - I make a lot of duaas for my guardian angel, every single day. Obviously. I can't stop making du'aas to that man. He is my guardian angel, my savior. And on top of that, I have made du'aas that every single breath of mine is to be accepted as a du'aa for him. So please, to the Muslim Ummah: Please, please, please stop ostracizing us. Stop alienating us. Create an environment that is inviting. It's called da'wah. It's an obligation. Please, uphold that.

Waheed:   2:10:16
Brother Sinan, I would like to sincerely and wholeheartedly thank you for coming today with me on this episode. I know it wasn't easy at all for you to open up that part of your life with me and with the audience. I am sure that a lot of us have been kind of triggered, have been taken back to our pasts, have experienced the ups and downs with you. On behalf of everyone listening, I would like to sincerely thank you. Jazak Allah khairan wa barak Allah feek [may Allah reward you and bless you] for sharing with us your story. It's a story of pain, but it's a story of triumph, alhamdulillah. It's a story of courage. It's a story of vulnerability and healing. Thank you so much for being vulnerable with us today. Thank you for sharing with us your story. Thank you for not giving up. Thank you for loving Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, and for always having a place for him in your life, and for sharing with us your wisdom, and for choosing to come here to share your story with people, to tell them that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, to tell them that there is hope, and to tell the Muslim Ummah that we need to step up and embrace our very own. This message is incredibly important. I'm really, really honored. I'm humbled to have you today and I'm just moved. I've been moved throughout this episodes, subahn Allah. Before I end this episode, I would like to make a prayer to brother Sinan, to his wife and his family, to his guardian angel, to all of the family on Straight Struggle, who has been supporting you, alhamdulillah, and to everyone listening, whether you struggle with SSA or not: may Allah lift you up, may Allah love you and fill you up with His love. May Allah guide you and keep you steadfast on the Righteous Path. May He fill your days with happiness and serenity and taqwa and guidance and peace, may He heal your wounds and help you grow and heal and be embraced and loved and allow you to love others and be loved in ways that are healthy and pure and out of this world, inshaAllah, and may Allah give barakah and tawfeeq, and may He bless all of those individuals who have helped you, particularly your guardian angel, and everyone who has stepped in to help you when you needed that, alhamdulillah. May Allah allow you all to enter Jannah without any punishment or account with all of your loved ones, inshaAllah. This has been.. What an episode! Thank you so much again for being here.

Sinan:   2:10:16
Thank you for inviting me. Jazak Allah khairan. And just to tell you that I feel very strongly about this podcast series, alhamdulillah. When you first told me, I was so excited. I didn't know that I was going to be a part of it, subhan Allah. But this was missing out there, and I'm making duaas that it would reach out and will reach our brothers and sisters, first and foremost suffering from SSA, who are struggling with their faith, subhan Allah. I'm also making duaas that it will make the hearts of the Muslim Ummah open, inshaAllah, that Al-Fattah will open their hearts to their brothers and sisters, inshaAllah. This is really an important work. May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala bless you and reward immensely for this work.

Waheed:   2:10:16
Ameen, wa iyyakom ajma'een, inshaAllah, barak Allah feek.

Sinan:   2:10:16
It's really, really important. And it's missing. It was missing out there, now it's here, alhamdulillah washukrulillah. May Allah bless you, protect and preserve you, inshaAllah, and may He bring you to the Day of Resurrection without any accountability, inshaAllah, and open the Gates of Jannah, Jannatul Firdaus wide open, inshaAllah, invite you and make you among the neighbors of the Prophets.

Waheed:   2:10:16
Ameen, ameen wa iyyakom and to everyone listening. Barak Allah feek. I'm moved to tears right now, subhan Allah.. And with this, we have reached the end of today's episode. I would like to thank my special guest today Sinan for joining me and for sharing his story. I look forward to talking to you, inshaAllah, next Friday when we address the genesis and the causes of same-sex attractions in the first part of a two-episode series, inshaAllah. Until then, I would like to remind you that, as you know, our episodes are available on our website awaybeyondtherainbow.buzzsprout.com, and you can listen to our episodes any time using your favorite podcast apps like Apple podcasts, Google podcast, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio and TuneIn Radio. You can email me any time on awaybeyondtherainbow@gmail.com, and if you like to send your salams to Sinan, to give him your love and to give him any pieces of advice you would like to give him, please feel free to reach out through the email, and I will personally forward him your messages, inshaAllah. Until next Friday, inshaAllah, I hope you have a wonderful, wonderful week, and I look forward to talking to you very soon. This has been Waheed Jensen in "A Way Beyond the Rainbow", assalamu alaikom wa rahmatullahi wabarakatuh.