#60 - On Sexual Abuse (Part I)

*TRIGGER WARNING: Episode discusses themes of sexual abuse, assault and rape*

This is part I of a 2-episode series on the topic of sexual abuse, assault and rape.

In this episode, we tackle some relevant definitions and statistics, discuss some reasons why survivors do not disclose their sexual abuse experiences, and highlight some of the psychological and emotional repercussions of sexual abuse. We also cover some facts and myths with regards to unwanted sexual experiences, particularly those relating to male sexual abuse.

Why do many survivors of sexual abuse experiences keep such incidents to themselves and prefer secrecy? Why is there more shame surrounding male sexual abuse than female sexual abuse? Do childhood sexual abuse experiences contribute to the development of same-sex attractions? Is there a chance for survivors of sexual abuse to become perpetrators themselves? These and other questions are explored in this episode.

References used and resources mentioned in this episode:
- Guidelines from the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry on communicating with survivors of childhood sexual abuse
- Jim Hopper: Sexual Assault and the Brain
- Booklet “Understanding Children’s Sexual Behaviors: What’s Natural and Healthy” by Dr. Toni Cavanagh Johnson
- "Do Children Sexually Abuse Other Children?” online guidebook by  "Stop It Now"
- "Why Do People Sexually Use or Abuse Children?" article from 1in6 website
- "Am I Going to Become Abusive?" article from 1in6 website

Chapters

• 0:37 Episode Introduction
• 7:23 Definitions and Statistics
• 17:58 Barriers to Disclosing Events of Sexual Abuse
• 32:46 Traumatic Impacts of Sexual Abuse
• 56:36 Seven Facts About Male Sexual Abuse
• 1:27:41 Ending Remarks

Transcript

Waheed 00:37
Assalamu alaikom wa rahmatullahi ta’ala wa barakatuh, and welcome to “A Way Beyond the Rainbow”, this podcast series dedicated to Muslims experiencing same-sex attractions who want to live a life true to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala and Islam. I'm your host Waheed Jensen, thank you so much for joining me in today's episode. Today’s episode is part I of a 2-episode series discussing the topic of sexual abuse. 

Holocaust survivor turned clinical psychologist Edith Eger, in her memoir The Choice, writes the following: “My own search for freedom and my years of experience as a licensed clinical psychologist have taught me that suffering is universal. But victimhood is optional. There is a difference between victimisation and victimhood. We are all likely to be victimized in some way in the course of our lives. At some point we will suffer some kind of affliction or calamity or abuse, caused by circumstances or people or institutions over which we have little or no control. This is life. And this is victimization. It comes from the outside. It's the neighbourhood bully, the boss who rages, the spouse who hits, the lover who cheats, the discriminatory law, the accident that lands you in the hospital. In contrast, victimhood comes from the inside. No one can make you a victim but you. We become victims not because of what happens to us but when we choose to hold on to our victimization. We develop a victim’s mind - a way of thinking and being that is rigid, blaming, pessimistic, stuck in the past, unforgiving, punitive, and without healthy limits or boundaries. We become our own jailors when we choose the confines of the victim’s mind.”

I am very passionate about this particular topic for many reasons. First off, I’m a victim-turned-survivor of childhood sexual abuse, so this is pretty familiar territory. And this topic is rarely, if ever, spoken about in our communities. My aim is not to highlight that I am a survivor of sexual abuse, but rather: 1. To raise awareness of the topic and its repercussions on the victim’s, or rather, the survivor’s life, 2. Shed the shame and stigma surrounding the topic, paving the way for more discussions about it in our communities, 3. Emphasize that it is not just girls who can be abused, but also boys, and there is even more shame when it is the latter, and 4. Show that there is hope for healing and growth beyond the trauma, and that a shift in perspective from victimhood to victimization is empowering and transformational. 

We will cover this big and sensitive topic over the course of two episodes inshaAllah. In this episode, we will tackle some definitions and statistics, discuss some reasons why survivors don’t end up telling anyone, repercussions of abuse, as well as some facts and myths that have to be clarified, particularly when it comes to male sexual abuse. In the next episode, we will discuss the process of defining and processing sexual abuse experiences, and outline stages of healing, practical work and different coping strategies. We will also cover the topic of rape as well as disclosing to loved ones, and offer tips to parents, spouses, family members and friends of individuals who experienced sexual abuse or rape. There is a wealth of resources in the form of support groups, anonymous helplines, books, movies and documentaries, as well as websites, many of which will be shared throughout these episodes, inshaAllah.

Of course, this topic is triggering, particularly for survivors of sexual assault, abuse or rape. Please make sure you pace yourself with this content, listen to it in fragments, maybe with a friend or therapist, and give yourself a break if it’s too much to take in. It’s your own pace, no one else’s. Don’t try to learn too much all at once as things can get overwhelming. Baby steps, whenever you’re ready.

Keep in mind that many of the negative effects of unwanted or abusive sexual experiences are more extreme versions of problems that everyone struggles with in their lives and relationships. Basically, it’s all very human stuff, and more a matter of degree and emphasis. This doesn’t underestimate the impact of sexual abuse trauma, but rather puts it in context. Many of the same problems and repercussions can also be caused by physical and/or emotional cruelty or abuse, as well as emotional or physical neglect. So it’s probably not all about the sexual experiences per se, but how our minds, bodies and hearts register the trauma as well.

Learning more can help you heal, as can therapy and many other activities and relationships. But if improving your current life and creating a better future take a back seat in favor of exploring the past (or “digging up memories”), healing will be slowed down, and may even be prevented. And we will talk about this as we go along.

No matter what you’ve been through, there is always much more to who you are than painful or harmful experiences in your past. There is a danger of getting too attached to an identity like “abuse victim” or “assault survivor.” Understanding the effects such experiences have had on you, even when they are great, is not the same as believing that those experiences define who you are or who you can become. Keep this in mind as we explore together the content of these two episodes, inshaAllah.

Throughout these episodes, I will not refer to us as victims, but rather as survivors of sexual abuse or unwanted sexual experiences. If I use the term “victim”, it’s only a temporal reference to the incident itself, when the person was undergoing the experience at the time. Since that’s in the past, we are survivors of unwanted sexual experiences, be that abuse, assault or rape. 

Last point before we start, this episode and next episode are flagged for explicit content given the sensitive nature of the topic. So let’s get started inshaAllah.

07:23
Every state and organization have their own definition of sexual abuse and trauma, there’s no uniform definition. Some definitions are very broad, others are very narrow, and this impacts statistics and epidemiological studies. There are many variables that come into play when defining abuse: who can be a perpetrator, relation of perpetrator to survivor, age difference between perpetrator and survivor, if weapons, force, threats were used, as well as what acts constitute sexual trauma.

This also impacts legal rules and regulations, as well as repercussions of such events. For example, if one is charged with sexual trauma in one state (in the US, for example), he/she can move to a different state where laws are more lenient. In addition to this, there’s a vast disparity in the legal age of consent across states and countries around the world. In some countries, it’s as low as 10 years, while in other places, it’s 17 or 18. Legally, some places say there doesn’t have to be an age difference between the survivor and perpetrator for the incident to count as sexual abuse or assault, and it involves other variables going on, while other states say there has to be at least a gap of 3-5 years, so one can see the varieties in laws and definitions.

Whatever the research methodologies, definitions and statistics are, I want to say this: your individual experience is valid. What happened to you, whatever it is that happened, is not OK. You are worthy, you are better than this, and this experience does not define you or your worth. For the purposes of better communication, raising awareness and to help you understand many terminologies and frame your own experience, we’re going to look at some terms and define them together.

The first term is “sexual assault”. Ask two different people what this means and they’ll give you different interpretations of the term. Sexual assault is an umbrella term that encompasses many types of sexual activity, contact, or behavior that’s performed without explicit consent. The legal definition of sexual assault can vary by state and country, and these activities include (but aren’t limited to): rape, attempted rape, harassment, fondling, unwanted touching (whether over or under clothes), incest, child sexual abuse, molestation, unwanted oral sex, flashing, forced posing for sexual pictures, and forced performance for sexual videos. 

The second term is “rape”. This refers to sexual intercourse or penetration with genitalia that occurs without consent. Something worth noting as well is that an ongoing relationship or a past history of intimacy does not preclude either party from getting consent from the other person (so this applies to a current romantic partner/spouse or a previous one). Even when it comes to other sexual acts like kissing or touching. If one of the parties doesn’t want that and the other is forcing him/herself, then that falls under assault. 

What about “force”? This refers to the use of intimidation factors to demand that a person engages in sexual activity against their will. And this doesn’t necessarily involve physical force, though it might. Force may include blackmail, emotional coercion, manipulation, threats, intimidation, the use or display of a weapon, physical battery or assault, or immobilization or restriction.

We will look at how to process these matters in the next episode inshaAllah, with emphasis on how language and terminology affects how we perceive our experiences and the chances of healing and recovery. Now that we have defined these terms, let us take a look at some general statistics.

Researchers have found that at least 1 in 6 men have experienced sexual abuse or assault, whether in childhood or as adults. And this is probably a low estimate, since it doesn’t include non-contact experiences, which can also have lasting negative effects. Research has also shown that males who have such experiences are less likely to disclose them than are females, which shows the tremendous amount of shame that goes into this. Also, only 16% of men with documented histories of sexual abuse (by social service agencies, which means it was very serious) considered themselves to have been sexually abused, compared to 64% of women with documented histories in the same study.

What about women? Recent WHO statistics have shown that, across their lifetime, 1 in 3 women, around 736 million, are subjected to physical or sexual violence by an intimate partner or sexual violence from a non-partner. Research from the Center for Disease Control (CDC) in the US has shown that nearly 1 in 5 women have experienced completed or attempted rape during their lifetime (compared to 1 in 38 men), 1 in 3 female rape survivors experienced it for the first time between 11-17 years old (compared to 1 in 4 male rape survivors), and 1 in 8 female rape survivors reported that it occurred before age 10 (compared to 1 in 4 male rape survivors).

The global prevalence of child sexual abuse has been estimated at 19.7% for females and 7.9% for males. According to RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network), which is the largest anti-sexual violence organization in the US, child protective services substantiates, or finds evidence for, a claim of child sexual abuse. One in 9 girls and 1 in 53 boys under the age of 18 experience sexual abuse or assault at the hands of an adult. In particular, females ages 16-19 are 4 times more likely than the general population to be survivors of rape, attempted rape, or sexual assault. Also, in 93% of cases, the perpetrator is someone known to the survivor (be they family members or acquaintances).

Of course, the effects of child sexual abuse can be long-lasting and affect the survivor’s mental health. Survivors are more likely than non-survivors to experience the following mental health challenges: they are about 4 times more likely to develop symptoms of drug abuse, about 4 times more likely to experience PTSD as adults, and about 3 times more likely to experience a major depressive episode as adults.

It goes without saying that childhood sexual abuse is not monopolized by particular cultures, ethnicities, races or religious groups, it happens all over. Childhood sexual abuse is a much too common occurrence that results in harm to millions of children, boys and girls alike, in large and small communities, and across a range of cultures and socioeconomic backgrounds. These acts are perpetrated by many types of offenders, including men and women, strangers, trusted friends or family, and people of all sexual orientations, socioeconomic classes, and cultural backgrounds.

We’ve all heard about child abuse scandals at the hands of priests in the Catholic church. Such matters have to be discussed and outed, not hidden and disregarded altogether, with the survivors having to suffer in shame and silence. As you know by now, I enjoy holding the mirror and calling out the hypocrisy and injustice in our Muslim communities, so let’s look at what happens around Muslim-majority countries as far as this topic is concerned. And a heads-up: this has nothing to do with Islam whatsoever. It has to do with human nature that has degraded so much to the point that these matters have become a cultural norm.

A documentary film released in 2010 called “Dancing Boys of Afghanistan” exposes an ancient custom called "bacha bazi" (boy for play), where rich men buy boys as young as 11 from impoverished families for sexual slavery. The boys are made to dress in women's clothes, forced to dance and sing at parties, and then they’re used by men for sex. Some of these men already have families and kids of their own. Police are involved and the government does nothing, so this tells you that such form of child prostitution is widespread. Such homosexual pederasty/pedophilia is not limited to countries like Afghanistan, but has been reported in Pakistan, India as well as the Middle East. 

When it comes to girls, child brides are still a thing around many Muslim countries, particularly impoverished ones. Cases of girls dying during childbirth are not unusual. Some are married at a pre-pubescent age where intercourse is nothing short of traumatic, physically and psychologically. And that’s as far as “marriage” goes. Sex rings and prostitution of girls are also widespread. 

The reason I’m presenting all this is to show that these matters are widespread, they have nothing to do with the Deen but rather sick human intentions and behaviors, and to put things in a context of trauma and healing. These things have to be spoken about, not dismissed or denied altogether.

17:58
We generally know that sexual abuse and rape are not easy topics to disclose, and lots of survivors don’t open up to anyone in their lives. This is true of women survivors and even more true of men survivors of sexual abuse, assault and rape. If we want to dig deep, what are some barriers to disclosure? Research has shown that there are multiple reasons that prevent survivors from coming forward and speaking up. A lot of these factors are common to both men and women survivors of sexual abuse, but some are quite specific to men only. Understanding all of these as survivors, parents, family members, and as community members helps us realize the extent to which this problem goes and what has to be done about it. 

1. Perceptions related to masculinity and the “man rules” propagated by society. Admitting an incidence of abuse is going to be perceived as deeply shameful, it makes us look weak, damaged, inferior, unworthy, unmanly. The decision not to disclose is perceived by many as a method of preserving one’s sense of masculinity. Instead of discussing with others, many survivors recall strategies such as toughing it out, being macho, remaining stoic, and handling it themselves. In the aftermath of the abuse and in the years that followed, many men believed that they should exhibit traits and characteristics that typify norms of masculinity, such as appearing strong and being able to protect themselves. Survivors felt that disclosing the sexual abuse to another person would enhance, prolong, and reinforce feelings of vulnerability and weakness. Expressing intense emotion was also perceived as a violation of masculine norms. Men anticipated that the disclosure process would elicit strong emotions (e.g., sadness, humiliation) or reactions (e.g., crying) that they would be unable to control. If a boy was abused by an older woman, there’s an unspoken rule that he’s supposed to enjoy it. If he was abused by an older man, there’s shame in talking about it out of fear of being labelled as “gay”. All in all, we can see how notions of masculinity play a big role here.
2. Limited resources for men. It is common to hear about the abuse of girls, but the abuse of boys is rarely ever discussed, as many male survivors report. Male sexual assault, abuse and rape are believed to be a myth by many, that the idea of men being subjects to sexual assault or rape, whether as kids, adolescents or even as adults, is something that is unfathomable by society. There’s a lack of awareness of the experiences and needs of male survivors that contributes to the lack of male-centered services, particularly in Muslim communities.
3. Problems with trusting others. We don’t know who to trust, or the abuse experience made us not trust others anymore, or even if I spoke up, no one would believe me. Particularly if the abuse was done by someone of a higher status or power, or someone revered by the survivor (like an imam, for example). Also, there’s an overwhelming sense of doubt about whether others would, or could, respond appropriately to disclosure. Some survivors felt that others would accuse them of making false allegations or being a cooperative participant (rather than a victim). Many men were concerned that others would minimize or misunderstand the sexual abuse experience. There’s a fear of being misunderstood, and a fear of being told that “it’s not a big deal, get over it.” Even if men felt that they would be believed, men had little confidence that others would be able to provide any form of help after the disclosure. All in all, there is a concern over being unable to predict responses from others and the outcomes of disclosure. A fear of uncertainty and vulnerability which would lead to being shot down, so to speak.
4. Social stigma. Many survivors fear disclosing out of fear of being judged, blamed, criticized, or even ostracized. There is a fear of rejection, abandonment, and the potential for loss or change in relationships. Of particular concern to some survivors was the fear that disclosure would lead others to suspect them of becoming a future perpetrator or predator. Men abused by male perpetrators, for example, felt that their experiences violated well-established social norms related to heterosexuality. One survivor asked: “What normal male wants to tell others that he was abused by an old man, a teacher, or a priest?”. Thus, this barrier represents a specific, distinct form of judgment by others. Many men expressed an intense fear that their sexual orientation would be questioned if they were to disclose being abused by a male perpetrator. People would start questioning whether the survivor might be “gay” or wanted the incident to happen, or they might be labeled as “gay” anyway. Male survivors who do not have SSA are often fearful that others would use their abuse experiences as “evidence of homosexuality.” Additionally, some survivors who identify as “gay” or “bisexual” fear that others would use their abuse history to explain or rationalize their sexual orientation, or would lead others to believe that being abused by a man “made them gay”. Particularly for individuals who have SSA and whose sexual abuse experiences were with a perpetrator of the same sex, many believe that they would have to face additional stigma and blame if they disclosed their abuse, since people would see it as something they wanted.
5. Difficult emotions. Some survivors identify a long list of strong negative emotions that deter disclosure not only in childhood, but also across the life span. In fact, negative emotions were the most frequently identified barriers to disclosure in some studies. Some of the negative emotions included: shame, embarrassment, self-blame, humiliation, generalized fear, guilt, low self-esteem, anger, hate, loss of control, confusion, pain, and disgust. Similarly, many men said that the sexual abuse led to a sense of worthlessness, of being “contaminated”, and of being “permanently damaged.” Although less frequent than emotions such as shame and embarrassment, some men expressed a sense of hopelessness or futility about disclosure in adulthood; some believe that nothing can be done since the incident was a long time ago, or that disclosure won’t change the situation.
6. Power differential between the perpetrator and the survivor based on many factors (e.g., age, physical size, reputation in the community or professional status). This imbalance can act as a barrier to disclosure, both at the time of the abuse and in the years that follow. Some survivors reveal that their perpetrators threatened to harm them if they had reported the abuse. These threats created an extreme sense of helplessness for some survivors that extended into adulthood. Many survivors reported being abused by clergy members and faced additional disclosure barriers. Clergy members hold extraordinary power due to their social status in the community and the association between the abuser and the survivor’s faith in God. Other abusers who were not clergy members (e.g., teachers, coaches, policemen) were also protected by their social status and instilled fear and self-doubt in the survivors, thus creating additional disclosure barriers.
7. Repercussions. Some survivors reported that disclosing might jeopardize their own basic safety and security in terms of housing, employment, and physical well-being. For example, these survivors identified possible negative outcomes such as being evicted by their landlord, being fired by an employer, or being beaten by a parent. Many men stated that the topic of sexual abuse was taboo and uncomfortable for others to discuss, that people appear horrified and disgusted when a survivor would even imply that he might have been molested by a man. For many people, discussing childhood sexual abuse is uncomfortable and even viewed as a repulsive topic. Given the nature of the topic, survivors avoided disclosure to protect others from the discomfort. Survivors also wanted to protect parents, family members, spouses, friends, and their community from experiencing negative outcomes such as shame, humiliation, and distress as a result of their disclosure. 
8. Past negative experiences from others. Survivors identified actual negative events that occurred in the past as a barrier to disclosure, such as telling a parent and being verbally or physically abused as a result, or telling a priest or imam and being shouted at or called names. Such previous negative experiences reduce the likelihood of ever opening up should such abuse incidents take place again.
9. Denial and repression. For some survivors, the process of labeling and naming personal experiences is hindered by an inability to recognize childhood events as abusive. For example, for some survivors, childhood sexual abuse may be seen as “part of growing up”, others weren’t sure if it was actually abuse or not. Due to labeling issues, many survivors report difficulties making connections between childhood/adolescent/adult sexual abuse and current psychological, relational, or physical problems. Some survivors were not able to name the experience as abuse due to repressed or blocked memories. For survivors that did remember the abuse, many tried to block or file away the memories to avoid experiencing and expressing intense emotions. Some say they completely blocked it out of their minds almost all of their adult lives. Some survivors resort to numbing behaviors to numb some of the negative emotions and suppress distressing memories - some would resort to substance use, like drugs or alcohol, others to compulsive behaviors like porn and sex addictions, gambling, or workaholism. If memories could not be suppressed, some opted to use silence and denial as coping methods - if we don’t talk about it, it didn’t happen. As a result, coping strategies used to suppress or repress memories prevented many survivors from disclosing sexual abuse experiences.

All of these factors help us realize the extent to which this problem goes and what has to be done about it. Many of us say nothing about the incident to anyone, and we carry the experience in shame and secrecy. For someone to choose to say something to someone he/she trusts, he/she would have had to conjure up a lot of strength and courage to untangle the webs of shame, pain and fear, and to be vulnerable with another soul, probably risking further shaming and scandalization, in communities that rush to cover trauma and stigmatize the survivors. One can only imagine how unfathomable the pain would be when the survivor’s experience is diminished, questioned or discarded altogether. 

Studies have shown that children who received supportive responses following disclosure had less traumatic symptoms and were abused for a shorter period of time than children who did not receive support. In general, studies have found that children need support and stress-reducing resources after disclosure of sexual abuse. Negative social reactions to disclosure have been found to be harmful to the survivor's well-being. One study reported that children who received a bad reaction from the first person they told, especially if the person was a close family member, had worse scores as adults on general trauma symptoms, post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms, and dissociation. Another study found that, in most cases when children did disclose abuse, the person they talked to did not respond effectively, blamed or rejected the child, and took little or no action to stop the abuse.

As families and communities, we need to foster more embracing environments, encourage trust and vulnerability, embrace the survivors and allow for proper healing. Secrecy and judgment is where shame grows, and this leads to a myriad of consequences. The sooner the survivors tell, the better the chances of recovery, inshaAllah. This can only be done if they feel they can tell, and if they’re not going to be shamed or dismissed. If they get a helpful and caring response, and they perceive that the other person cares and is ready to help, the resilience from trauma is exponentially greater. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry provides guidelines for what to say to the victim (or rather, the survivor) and what to do following the disclosure, I will add a link to their guidelines to the episode description for you to check out.

32:46
An important question is: will every survivor of sexual trauma exhibit trauma symptoms like PTSD and so on? Many survivors of sexual trauma are asymptomatic (meaning, they don’t exhibit any symptoms), while others experience impairment that goes from mild to severe. This depends on many factors, so a lot goes into who ends up being asymptomatic or having mild trauma repercussions and who ends up exhibiting severe reactions.

If this abuse happens in childhood, it can affect our development, and this involves our thinking capacities, our abilities to deal with emotions, our abilities to relate to other kids and adults, and as boys heading toward manhood and girls heading toward womanhood. Several things can influence the impacts of such experiences, especially:

• Age when the experiences happened. Younger is usually more harmful, but different effects are associated with different developmental periods.
• Who else was involved. Effects are generally worse when it is a parent, step-parent, or trusted adult than a stranger.
• Whether the child told anyone, and if so, the person’s response. Doubting, ignoring, blaming and shaming responses can be extremely harmful – in some cases even more than the harmful sexual, physical or emotional experiences themselves.
• For sexual experiences, whether or not physical violence was involved, and if so, how severe it was.
• How long the experiences went on.

Other factors that play out differently for every person:

• Whether the experiences involved deliberate humiliation.
• How ‘normal’ such experiences were in the extended family and local culture.
• Whether the child had loving family members, and/or knew that someone loved him or her.
• Whether the child had some good relationships – with siblings, grandparents, friends, teachers, coaches, etc.
• Whether the child had relationships in which difficult and ‘vulnerable’ feelings were acceptable and could be expressed and managed in safe and healthy ways.

Lots of research has been done on how such variables determine the consequences of unwanted or abusive childhood sexual, physical and emotional experiences. Researchers talk about ‘risk factors,’ which make bad effects more likely, and ‘protective factors,’ which make bad effects less likely. Every man or woman who’s had such experiences is different and has a unique combination of risk and protective factors that have influenced the effects in his/her life.

People often ignore and under-estimate the effects of unwanted or abusive sexual experiences in their lives. This tends to increase problems and prevents healing. But sometimes people go to the other extreme, and believe that such experiences are the only or the complete cause of problems that actually have other causes as well. Such over-estimation is not uncommon, and it is very understandable. But if you focus too much on how such experiences may have affected you, then it’s easy to overlook the (sometimes greater) contributions that other unwanted or traumatic experiences and relationships have made to your current problems. It’s important to note that many of the problems caused by unwanted or abusive sexual experiences in childhood can also be caused – and made worse – by other harmful experiences including emotional abuse, physical abuse, harsh and cruel punishments, and emotional or physical neglect by parents and other caregivers. I’d like to refer you back to the series of episodes from earlier this season on the origins, characteristics and effects of complex trauma, as sexual abuse is a major contributor to complex trauma, and the effects manifest here as we have discussed in detail back in those episodes. Recall the fight-flight-freeze responses, the state of hypervigilance, as well as the cognitive, emotional, behavioral and relationship problems that manifest as a result.

Fifty years of research identify a long list of negative effects that come from sexual abuse trauma, but it’s very individualistic what people may endure and have left over from sexual abuse trauma. People who’ve had such experiences are at much greater risk for serious mental health problems compared to non-trauma survivors, including: symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder and depression, alcoholism, drug abuse, and other addictions, suicidal thoughts and suicide attempts, problems in intimate relationships, underachievement at school and at work.

An important study on this was conducted by Dr. David Lisak in 1994. He identified some of the common themes shared among victims of sexual abuse, and these are: anger, fear, sexual confusion, and sexual identity confusion (which is the #1 remaining impairment in male sexual trauma individuals), sense of helplessness, isolation and alienation, concerns about one’s own legitimacy as a person and their own beliefs, a sense of loss, problems with masculinity, negative childhood peer relations, negative beliefs about other people, negative beliefs about oneself, low self-esteem, self-worth, self-efficacy and self-confidence, problems with sexuality and sexual dysfunctions, self-blame, guilt, shame and humiliation. These are some of the common themes across victims of sexual abuse. 

Many researchers have found that men who were sexually abused in childhood, whether or not they seek out mental health services, may suffer from anxiety, depression, dissociation, post-traumatic stress disorder, substance use, hostility and anger, and lots of guilt, shame and self-blame. There is evidence of impaired relationships, intimacy issues, sexual dysfunction as well as sexual compulsions. There is also a high correlation with low self-esteem and negative self-image, sleep disturbance, suicidal ideas and behavior.

Some of the long-term effects of sexual abuse are related to the development of gender or sexual identity. A number of clinicians’ case studies indicated that male survivors of childhood sexual abuse may experience attempts to ‘prove’ their masculinity by having multiple female sexual partners, sexually victimizing others, and/or engaging in dangerous or violent behaviors, confusion over their gender and sexual identities, sense of being inadequate as men, and a sense of lost power, control, and confidence in their manhood. 

Survivors of unwanted or abusive sexual experiences as kids don’t necessarily experience the problems and symptoms I have just mentioned, and even when they do, it doesn’t necessarily mean those experiences are their sole or primary cause. But these are common outcomes, and it can be very helpful to know them. If you’re struggling with some of these issues, you’re not alone.

A famous study conducted from 1995 to 1997 among 17,337 adults in San Diego, California, was published in 2005 by Dube and colleagues. Results showed that contact childhood sexual abuse was reported by 16% of males and 25% of females. Men reported female perpetration of the abuse in nearly 40% of the time, while women reported female perpetration of 6% of the time. The long-term impact of sexual abuse on multiple health and social problems was similar for both men and women, with the magnitude of the increase in negative behavioral, mental, and social outcomes being similar to both. For example, compared to reporting no sexual abuse, a history of suicide attempt was more than twice as likely among both men and women who experienced childhood sexual abuse. 

In addition to all this, a few other effects are worth shining light on:

• Betrayal of Trust. Such experiences almost always involve a betrayal of trust by someone who has power over the other person, whether that person is a child, teenager, or adult. The violation of trust is even greater when the other person had the responsibility for the person’s care and protection. So any survivor who has experienced such betrayal is likely to have difficulties trusting others.
• Lost sense of agency (i.e. the belief that you have control over your life). With survivors, a common underlying belief is a lost sense of agency. I’ve lost control, I don’t have the ability to control my life. I keep reliving it, I keep doing harmful things to myself as a result of it. There is a paralyzing feeling of being helpless. A boundary has been violated that should have never been violated. There is no way for it to be undone. I was helpless during the incident, and I felt helpless after. “Why didn’t you say something when it was happening?” Because I was with someone I considered “safe.” And when it began, I wasn’t able to say anything, even if I wanted to. I was frozen. Remember the fight-flight-freeze response - for many of us, the “freeze” response was activated then.
• Strong Emotions and Problems Managing Them. Unwanted or abusive sexual experiences typically cause, when they happen and/or soon afterward, intense negative emotions. Those emotions include fear, anger, sadness, and shame. Such feelings may not go away, and may get worse, if the individual has no one safe to tell what happened or help him deal with his feelings. In some cases, the individual may try to get help but is blamed for what happened, told they are lying, or worse – which adds yet another layer of painful and overwhelming emotions. In response to these extreme negative emotions, people who have these experiences often attempt to ignore and block them out. This usually leaves them alternating between being emotionally numb and feeling overwhelmed and out of control. In short, when it comes to emotional experiences and behaviors, unwanted and abusive sexual experiences can cause major problems with emotional regulation.
• Relationships and Sex. Such problems with trust and negative emotions can lead to lots of relationship problems. Especially in intimate relationships but also in friendships and work relationships, problems with trust and overwhelming emotions can lead to outbursts, conflicts, and sudden endings. For those who hide their negative emotions and pretend everything is OK, there can be major stress, inner turmoil, and a constant feeling of disconnection. Not surprisingly, unwanted or abusive sexual experiences can lead to sexual problems too, including fear of sexual intimacy, difficulties performing sexually, and sudden feelings of shame and guilt – even when an intimate relationship or sexual interaction is otherwise going well. Even married men would suffer when engaging in intercourse, some even hoping to finish quickly so they can get it over with. Many men fall under what’s called “sexual avoidance” or “sexual anorexia.” Being traumatized like that, your body responds and holds those memories. For some survivors, even when another person gets close to them, their body starts to shake, and that’s left over body memories and trauma. So for them to engage in sexual relations and intimacy can be very difficult. Trying to separate sexual abuse from sexual intimacy with a significant other is usually done with therapists and counselors. People who have problems in this area have all that in one box. Some even find it triggering when they hear particular words or even compliments, because they associate that with grooming. Those are idiosyncratic traumatic responses; whereas some people may find these things very endearing, such survivors would be reminded of the things the perpetrator said or did to groom them. Again, all these can be dealt with through proper professional help.
• Masculinity. Unwanted or abusive sexual experiences themselves, and their emotional aftermath, are completely the opposite of how males are “supposed” to be, as we’ve touched on earlier in the episode. Males are told that they’re supposed to be strong and in control, not manipulated or controlled by others; they are expected to be sexually dominant, not sexually dominated; and they’re supposed to be masters of their emotions, not overwhelmed by feelings like fear and shame. It’s totally normal, then, for men who’ve had such experiences to worry about being “real men.” It’s totally normal to fear that others will see them as “unmanly.” When such a sexual experience involved another male, these concerns can be huge, and there can be fears of being labelled as “gay”.
• Limiting Your Identity. No matter what unwanted or abusive experiences you had as a child, and no matter how great the effects of those experiences are in your life right now, there is always much more to who you are. There is a danger of creating – and getting stuck in – a view of oneself that revolves around having been a “victim,” or being a “survivor,” or any other potentially limiting way of defining or labeling yourself. This is especially true if abuse or any type of violation occurs continuously. We feel trapped in that box with no way out. I am doomed to remain a victim my entire life. Particularly if someone is a victim of trafficking and ongoing assault, whereby basic sustenance or rewards depend on it, the mind may become conditioned to trauma in such a way that it becomes the “new normal,” and the thought of a life outside this system is unfathomable, even distressing. There are many things, including educating oneself and therapy, that can help survivors heal from harmful effects of unwanted or abusive experiences. But if improving your current life and creating a better future takes a back seat to focusing on the past, then healing will be slowed down and maybe even prevented.
• Memory problems. And this deserves some elaboration. Our brains do not simply record and “playback” events exactly as they happened in the past. Instead, almost every instance of recall involves some processes of reconstruction by the brain, which means it involves some distortion too. Yet this does not mean that memories are “only constructions” and can’t be trusted at all. Recent research suggests that one brain system records what actually happened and another how someone makes sense or meaning of what happened. Other research shows that people usually accurately recall the “gist” and “central details” of highly stressful experiences. For example, someone may remember who the other person was and the nature of the most disturbing or arousing sexual acts (central details), but not all of the furniture in a room where it happened or the details of each act. The fact that human memory is not like a DVD does mean that memories may not be completely accurate, and that any particular memory could involve a mixture of actual and imagined events (or parts of events). Of course, the picture is more complex: Someone may block out or “edit out” disturbing emotions and sensations. A boy may focus his attention on a spot on the ceiling, or imagine himself in a completely different place altogether. In those cases, the “central details” of the experience, for that person at that time, are things that would typically be peripheral details or not even part of the memory at all – and the main details of the sexual acts may not be registered at all. Researchers distinguish a variety of different types of memory. When it comes to memories of unwanted or abusive sexual experiences, three types are key: episodic, implicit, and procedural. Going into the details of this is beyond the scope of the episode, but I will add links to more details on this if you’re interested in reading further. The point we’re addressing here is: Human memory is not simple and straightforward. It’s complex and complicated. There are many ways that memories of unwanted or abusive sexual experiences can be fragmentary, can be unrecognized as memories, and can be causes of confusion, doubt, and problems in current relationships. There are experienced therapists who can help with navigating through these issues.
• Trauma bonds. Recall we spoke about this concept in detail back in episode 45 as part of the effects of complex trauma. This concept was introduced by addiction and recovery specialist Dr. Patrick Carnes and includes different ways that we bond to our traumas. Many of these trauma bonds are seen with victims of sexual abuse. There are eight different kinds of trauma bonds, we addressed them in detail back in episode 45, but I’ll just mention them quickly here in relation to sexual abuse.
  • Trauma reaction (like PTSD symptoms, including anxiety, flashbacks, nightmares, and so on)
  • Trauma arousal/pleasure where survivors seek pleasure in the presence of extreme danger, violence, risk or shame, or extreme sexual behaviors, because arousal was associated with pain, so they always seek that “thrill” (extreme sexual behaviors include risky sex, BDSM, prostitution and so on)
  • Trauma blocking where we numb, block out, and overwhelm residual feelings due to trauma (many people develop addictions as a result)
  • Trauma splitting where dissociative symptoms happen, the mind blanks out and they separate from their body. One form of dissociation is amnesia, people often say they have gaps in their memories. Some survivors experience dissociative episodes (feeling separate from the body as a reaction to a flashback), avoid stories, parts of movies or reminders of traumatic experiences, or experience forgetfulness, confusion or difficulty concentrating often. Extreme cases include multiple personality disorder (which is what’s referred to nowadays as “dissociative identity disorder”).
  • Trauma abstinence: a trauma response where survivors deprive themselves from pleasure and things they need because of how they felt during the abuse. The source of this is self-blame and shame from the trauma. Examples include: anorexia nervosa, sexual aversion disorder (sometimes known as sexual anorexia), compulsive saving, agoraphobia and other phobic responses, poverty obsessions, success avoidance, self-neglect, underachieving, and workaholism. 
  • Trauma shame: when you feel unworthy, unlovable, a lot of shame and self-hate as a result of the traumatic experience. Here we see shame cycles, self-mutilation (e.g. cutting, burning or otherwise hurting oneself) and  self-destructive behavior, expressing self hatred through suicidal ideation, shame based personality, depression, and codependency personality disorder. Some survivors may, in reaction to trauma, set very high and unachievable standards to prove their sense of self-worth and to gain the acceptance of others. When they fail, they add to their existing shame.
  • Trauma repetition: repeating behaviors and/or seeking situations or persons who recreate the trauma experience. Subconsciously, the efforts are directed to “resolve the unresolvable”, we return to the trauma and recreate it in hopes that we can master it this time and have a different outcome, the way that we want, and then we feel that we have regained control. Sadly, that never satiates. We’re stuck in repeating past stories, experiences and events, or even projecting them on our current realities. An example of trauma repetition in sexual abuse - sexual abuse by older brother who forced his younger brother to give him oral sex, so now the only way the younger brother, as an adult man, would be aroused is to go on Grindr and engage in the same act by having someone else force him to repeat the same actions. You recreate the trauma by setting it up. Anonymous or casual sex with men can become trauma repetition. But since it relieves the pain only temporarily, the pain returns in waves after the sexual encounter is over. These men repeat the patterns again and again, hoping for healing and a different resolution. 
  • Trauma bonds: dysfunctional attachments that occur in the presence of danger, shame or exploitation. Examples: when a person becomes very connected to their abuser (loyal, supportive), and throughout their lives, they return to dangerous people who abuse or shame them, people who exploit them and make them feel less than. Others include abuse cycles such as those found in domestic violence, misplaced loyalty as in cults, incest, or hostage situations, or codependent relationships. Clinicians call this traumatic bonding. This means they have a certain dysfunctional attachment that occurs in the presence of danger, shame, or exploitation. There is often seduction, deception or betrayal. There is always some form of danger or risk.

56:36
Cultural myths surrounding the sexual abuse and assault of boys and men can be serious obstacles to understanding and healing, so it’s important to learn just how wrong they are. We will now discuss seven facts about male sexual abuse to counteract these myths.

Fact #1: Boys and men can be sexually used or abused, and it has nothing to do with how masculine they are (or rather, “unmasculine” or “weak” as they’re often accused of being). We’re taught by society that males aren’t victims, masculinity is power. Our societies expect males to be able to protect themselves. Males are not supposed to be used sexually. Males are supposed to be the sexual aggressor. Males are supposed to want and to feel lucky for every sexual experience they have. Males are not supposed to feel vulnerable or fearful about sex. In short, we’ve always gotten the message that what society deems as ‘real men’ don’t have the experiences we’ve had, so no wonder we feel ashamed about having them. It’s also possible that the shame we feel has other sources, particularly if it’s very intense and almost constant, like shaming experiences from parents or others that left us feeling “less than” and unworthy of respect or care. Again, recall our discussion earlier this season on complex trauma.

Successful men are depicted as never being vulnerable, either physically or emotionally. This myth implies that a boy or man who has been sexually used or abused is weak, unmasculine or will never be a “real man.” But here’s the thing, boys are not men. They are children. They are weaker and more vulnerable than those who sexually abuse or exploit them – who use their greater size, strength and knowledge to manipulate or coerce boys into unwanted sexual experiences and staying silent. This is usually done from a position of authority (e.g., coach, teacher, religious leader) or status (e.g. older cousin, admired athlete, social leader), using whatever means are available to reduce resistance, such as attention, special privileges, money or other gifts, promises or bribes, or even outright threats. What happens to any of us as children does not need to define us as adults or men. And even when these experiences happen to adult men, the same power imbalance is at play as well.

Fact #2: If a boy liked the attention he was getting, or got sexually aroused during the abuse, or even sometimes wanted the attention or sexual contact, this does not mean he wanted or liked being manipulated or abused, or that any part of what happened, in any way, was his responsibility or fault. Let that sink in.

Many boys and men believe this myth that it was their fault, and they feel lots of guilt and shame because they got physically aroused during the abuse. It is important to understand that males can respond to sexual stimulation with an erection or even an orgasm – even in sexual situations that are traumatic or painful. That’s just how male bodies and brains work. If the male genitalia are stimulated by touch or friction, they’re going to react. The arousal cycle is very reflexive. And this becomes associated with the physiological changes like heart racing, more blood flow to the skin, the body turning more red, having an erection, pre-ejaculatory fluid secreted, and the experience may lead to ejaculation. All these are very pleasurable experiences. But it’s coupled with trauma, because someone is violating your basic rights and body while sexually being aroused. There’s so much mental confusion, and you feel like your body is betraying you.

If the child is old enough to recognize that, “I don’t want this, this is wrong, this is inappropriate, we shouldn’t be doing this, I have a sense of shame and guilt, but it also feels great, I get an erection and have an ejaculation.” What happens is called “body betrayal”, where one blames himself for feeling arousal or pleasure during a traumatic experience. This is very important to understand, first as survivors ourselves, and as parents and caregivers. This confusion and feeling of body betrayal compounds the shame and pain and leads to a myriad of trauma responses.

Those who sexually use and abuse boys know this. They often attempt to maintain secrecy, and to keep the abuse going, by telling the child that his sexual response shows he was a willing participant and complicit in the abuse. “You wanted it. You liked it,” they say. But that doesn’t make it true. Boys are not seeking to be sexually abused or exploited. They can, however, be manipulated into experiences they do not like, or even understand, at the time. There are many situations where a boy, after being gradually manipulated with attention, affection and gifts, feels like he wants such attention and sexual experiences. In an otherwise lonely life (for example, when one is lacking in parental attention or affection – even for a brief period), the attention and pleasure of sexual contact from someone the boy admires can feel good. But in reality, it’s still about a boy who was vulnerable to manipulation. It’s still about a boy who was betrayed by someone who selfishly exploited the boy’s needs for attention and affection to use him sexually. If you’re a survivor listening to these words and realizing this for the first time, I hope you can grieve and stop the self-blame. I was in your shoes for years, and these ideas took a while to sink in. But once they did, it felt liberating, alhamdulillah. 

There are times when kids return to their perpetrators and may even initiate sexual contact, because they remember the part that felt good, being close to someone, the rush of excitement, etc. There’s an emotional component, particularly when there has been an element of grooming that’s been taking place for a while. When people build a strong emotional connection with you and then start crossing physical and sexual boundaries, that becomes even more confusing. Many perpetrators are very keen and manipulative and will set this up. 

So the confusion results in a lot of self-blame: “It’s my fault, I liked it, so it meant I wanted it, does this make me gay?”, “I must be gay and I don’t know it, because a man touched me and I ended up enjoying it”, “Do I give off some kind of a gay vibe to this person so that they felt they could do this to me?” There’s a struggle in feeling weaker and less than. And they tell themselves a lot of lies, like “I should have told someone, I should have said no, I should have fought this person off and defended myself.” Again, society tells boys you can’t be weak and can’t be a victim. Some men even visit therapists in their 40s and 50s and reveal that they’d never told anyone about their abuse. And even then, they’d say, “I should have stopped it, I should have said no and fought the perpetrator off.” These can go on for years and decades after the abuse, a lot of them have to do with body betrayal and having had the body sexually respond to the incident. 

Self-blame is also attached to what is known as “victim vulnerabilities”. This refers to risk factors that increase the risk of a child to sexual abuse, such as: being in a single-parent home, being fatherless or living in non-nuclear family settings (like having a step-parent or step-siblings, for example), having a mental or physical disability, living in low income or low education households, living in households with substance use or mental health problems, family violence and domestic violence, families that are isolated from other people, and living in communities with lots of violence, crime, unemployment and as well as access to drugs and alcohol. Those are some of those victim vulnerabilities. Individuals suffering from such traumas look at their personal and familial vulnerabilities and end up blaming themselves and those vulnerabilities for what happened and the repercussions they are dealing with.

For me personally, I bashed myself for years after the incidents I went through and blamed myself for liking the abuse, as if I had personally asked for it, that I lured those men to do what they did to me, that I was the one guilty, it was all my fault. And that mentality took a while to challenge and recover from. Part of healing the shame and the blame is giving back the blame to the perpetrator. You were not at an age where you could consent, and even if you’re close to the age of consent where you’re mature enough to understand, your body responded, etc., you’re not legally at an age to give consent, and that’s the responsibility of the perpetrator. The blame fully and completely belongs to the perpetrator, no matter how much you have enjoyed the act. Understanding the facts of the sexual abuse situation and understanding what belongs to the perpetrator really helps heal the shame and self-blame, as we put things in proper perspective. 

Please remember, you were a young kid, with an older adult perking on you. You were powerless at that moment. You could not give consent to this. Even if you enjoyed it, that says absolutely NOTHING whatsoever. This is not consent. You’re not old enough to understand what’s happening or give consent. Even if you went back, even if it happened many times and you were aroused by it or enjoyed it, it says nothing about you, it has nothing to do with you, and you are not to blame. I know it takes time to internalize this idea. So many victims carry all that themselves and attribute that to themselves. If you’re still struggling with this particular matter, please seek help from a therapist or visit some of the support groups I’m going to mention in these two episodes to help you through this, inshaAllah.

It’s important to note that it’s also specific to each person to what extent it’s going to be traumatizing, so saying a 15-year old is less traumatized than a 4-year old (or vice versa) isn’t true. It depends. A younger child may not completely understand what’s happening, and they may not understand that this is completely wrong, especially if the perpetrator is grooming them enough to believe that this is what boys do, or maybe it’s the older brother and one starts to think this is what brothers do. But if you get a teen who gets aroused and ejaculates, let’s say they’re abused by a coach, priest or imam, they’re going to develop a lot of shame and guilt as a result. Now, of course some of this depends on one’s own language development and whether one has the ability to make meaning and interpret events, and how you interpret those. But it can be devastating at any age. As families and communities, we have to avoid “comparative suffering” and under/over-estimating people’s experiences, but rather respect people’s experiences and provide environments of healing and recovery.

Fact #3: Sexual abuse and assault harms boys/men and girls/women in ways that are similar and different, but equally harmful. Most studies show that the long-term effects of sexual abuse and assault can be quite damaging for both males and females. One large study, conducted by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control, found that the sexual abuse of boys was more likely to involve penetration of some kind, which is associated with greater psychological harm. The harm caused by sexual abuse or assault mostly depends on things not determined by gender, including: the abuser’s identity, the duration of the abuse, whether the child told anyone at the time, and if so, whether the child was believed and helped. Many boys suffer harm because adults who could have believed them and helped were instead reluctant, or refused to acknowledge what happened and the harm the incident caused. This amplifies the effect of trauma, especially the shame felt by boys and men, and it leads many to believe they have to “tough it out” on their own. And that, of course, makes it harder to seek needed help in the midst of the abuse, or even years later when help is still needed. As for the repercussions from sexual abuse, we have outlined these earlier in this episode.

Fact #4: Boys can be sexually abused by both “straight” and “gay” men and women. Sexual abuse is the result of abusive behavior that takes advantage of a child’s vulnerability and is in no way related to the sexual orientation of the abusive person. Studies about this question suggest that men who have sexually abused a boy most often identify as heterosexual and often are involved in adult heterosexual relationships at the time of abusive interaction. There is no indication that a “gay” man is more likely to engage in sexually abusive behavior than a straight man. But sexual abuse is not a sexual “relationship,” – it’s an assault. Let’s call it for what it is. The sexual orientation of the abusive person is not really relevant to the abusive interaction. 

Perpetrators are deeply confused individuals who, for various reasons, desire to sexually use or abuse a child, and have acted on that desire. When it comes to the perpetrator, there are two types of abuse: intrafamilial and extrafamilial. With intrafamilial abuse, the perpetrator is someone who’s supposed to be catering to the basic needs of the child or is left with the responsibility of taking care of the child (i.e. a parent, step-parent, grandparent, uncle, aunt, etc.) Also, even though older siblings or cousins in the family are not immediate caregivers, children look to them as someone they can rely on. So they do have a preconceived notion that “I am in your care”, and what happens as a result is traumatizing given the betrayal that takes place.

With extrafamilial abuse, it comes from someone outside the family. Some research indicates that intrafamilial abuse is rather more detrimental and has longer lasting effects on the child than extrafamilial abuse. That’s not to say that extrafamilial isn’t as traumatic, but intrafamilial tends to be more long-standing and recurring. When a child is being taken care of by someone who then violates that trust, what often results is called betrayal trauma theory (BTT), a concept introduced by American researcher Jennifer Freyd in 1994. What BTT suggests is that an individual (e.g. a child or spouse), being dependent on another (e.g. their caregiver or partner) for support, will have a higher need to dissociate traumatic experiences from conscious awareness in order to preserve the relationship. Research has shown that childhood sexual abuse in this context is closely linked with psychogenic amnesia or other dissociative processes occurring as a means to maintain an attachment with the caregiver and promote survival. For the victim to acknowledge the violation the abuse incurred could increase their risk of impaired attachment provided by the caregiver and increase the potential of danger to the child. The brain needs to survive and attach to a caregiver, so it blocks memories of abuse to allow for the attachment to carry on. Evidence suggests that such trauma is more likely to be forgotten as compared to non-sexual childhood abuse.

One other thing to note is that, in most cases, the nature of abuse is very insidious. It starts off as emotional intimacy, giving the gifts of time, attention and affection, as well as actual gifts even (during the period of grooming), and then it becomes sexual. What starts off as gaining the trust of the boy and fulfilling those homo-emotional love needs, those needs that the child should have fulfilled with the same-sex parent, those are fulfilled by the male perpetrator, and then this starts changing the nature of the relationship to include sex. There may be threats from the perpetrator him/herself (yes, women can be perpetrators, though men are more commonly so) that prevent the victim from speaking up, and, in many cases, the shame itself eats up the victim from the inside and prevents him/her from saying anything in the first place.

It’s worth noting that a large percentage of all harmful sexual interactions with children are committed by other children or adolescents. Some research suggests that it’s 40% or higher. Most kids who sexually use or abuse other kids are – at least in part – reacting to physical, sexual or emotional abusive experiences of their own. Also, as children and teenagers without the knowledge or cognitive capacities of adults, they can’t fully understand the impact of what they’ve experienced, let alone what they’ve done to another child. Some are too young even to fully comprehend the difference between right and wrong. Still, it’s important to emphasize that, even when an older child doesn’t understand the effects of their actions, the sexual use or abuse of the other child, which usually includes a betrayal of the other child’s trust, may still have a deep effect on the other child’s life.

If you’re wondering what’s appropriate vs. concerning sexual behavior in children, it’s recommended to check the booklet “Understanding Children’s Sexual Behaviors: What’s Natural and Healthy” by Dr. Toni Cavanagh Johnson as well as “Do Children Sexually Abuse Other Children?” a free online ‘guidebook’ written by the "Stop It Now" organization. Whether older kids or adults, a very helpful piece found in the “1in6” website examines why people sexually use or abuse children. I will add a link for all of these references in the episode description if you are interested in checking them out. 

Fact #5: Sexual abuse may be correlated with the development of same-sex attractions, but sexual abuse is not a direct cause of SSA. Remember, correlation is not causation. By focusing on the abusive nature of sexual abuse rather than the sexual aspects of the interaction, it becomes easier to put things in context. Some men knew they were “homosexual” before the abuse. Others are able to recognize that, before their abuse, they were on a “heterosexual” track, for instance, and so the trauma did have a major impact. So this varies among individuals. 

Childhood sexual abuse has been found to occur in high percentages of adults who identify as "homosexual": In women who have SSA, very high percentages of sexual abuse by men, and in men with SSA, very high percentages of sexual abuse as well. Many studies have shown that there is confusion over sexual orientation as a result of early sexual abuse, and there is a strong correlation with homosexual activity in adolescence and adulthood. Of course, not everyone who was sexually abused as a kid will end up having homosexual tendencies or engaging in homosexual behaviors, and not everyone who has homosexual tendencies or engages in homosexual behaviors was sexually abused as a kid. Again, correlation and not causation.

David Finkelhor, a leading researcher in the area of childhood sexual abuse, found that boys victimized by older men were four times more likely to engage in homosexual activities than non-victims. Robert Johnson and Diane Shrear, in their article "Sexual Victimization of Boys" that was published in 1985, observed adolescents over a six-year period, and they found that those boys who were molested were seven times more likely to identify as homosexual and six times more likely to identify as bisexual compared to boys who were not molested.

Many epidemiological studies between the period of 2000 and 2010 have found a positive association between childhood maltreatment and same-sex sexuality in adulthood, with "lesbians" and "gay men" reporting 1.6 to 4 times greater prevalence of sexual and physical abuse than heterosexuals. Childhood sexual abuse was also present in the lives of "lesbian, bisexual and heterosexual women" with same-sex partners, anywhere from 2.9 to 5.3 times more than those in opposite-sex relationships. The same was true for "gay, bisexual and heterosexual men" with same-sex partners, from 7.9 to 12.8 times more likely to have been sexually abused as children than those in opposite-sex relationships. Therefore, it cannot be denied that disproportionately high numbers of men with same-sex attractions were abused as boys, as well as females with same-sex attractions have also been abused as girls. And that certainly contributed, one way or another, to their sexual and their emotional development.  

It is common, however, for boys and men who have been abused to express confusion about their sexual identity and orientation, whether they identify as straight, gay or bisexual. Research shows that this confusion about one’s sexual identity/orientation is the #1 remaining issue from a sexual encounter where the perpetrator and victim were both males. The survivor starts wondering, “What is it in me that the perpetrator saw? Do I appear weak? Do I appear feminine? Do I appear like I would have liked this to happen to me? What vibe was I giving off? What vulnerabilities did they see in me to choose me and groom me? I must have given them a signal, I must be inherently bad that I caused this to happen. Did I give off a homosexual vibe?” Shame and self-blame. Many boys start wondering that they had a “gay” encounter, so does this make me gay? Will others find out about me? Will this cause me to abuse others? While these are understandable fears, they are not true. It is very important to remember that abuse arises from the abusive person's failure to develop and maintain healthy adult sexual relationships, and his or her willingness to sexually use and abuse kids. It has nothing to do with the child who is abused.

Now it’s important to emphasize that there’s a difference between sexual arousal and sexual desire. Sexual arousal is something conditioned, while sexual desire is something that you want and crave. So a man might be “heterosexual” and desire intimacy with a woman and want to be married and have kids, but for years growing up, he was sexually abused by his older brother, until the older brother turned 16 or whatever and started dating girls (which is usually when the abuse ends for many of these boys, because they move on to a more appropriate source for their sexual gratification). Years later, the survivor is now a grown up man who has become conditioned to be aroused by another male. That’s not his desire, that’s his arousal, because he’s been conditioned to it through multiple sexual abuse incidents as a child. So a man may actually be conditioned through abuse to be aroused by the idea of having sex with another man, the thought of being touched by another man, the thought of male genitalia, etc., and this comes from the conditioning brought by these experiences. But your sexual desire may not be in alignment with your arousal. Although lay people would conflate both terms and use them interchangeably, they’re not interchangeable at all. This is very important to understand. 

So this also begs the question, does someone really have SSA, or has the person been conditioned to be aroused by other men as a result of his sexual abuse trauma? Therapists can help you discover this and differentiate between your desire vs. arousal and sexual response. In this case, one may be conditioned to sexual arousal to men, and think they have SSA or are “gay”, but then they can be completely sexual with a female, so they might think they’re bisexual. Well maybe that’s the case, but some men are under the notion that they’re “homosexual”, but the reality is, they’ve been conditioned through trauma to respond to male sexual arousal.

Fact #6: Girls and women can sexually abuse or assault boys and men. The boys and men are not “lucky,” but rather exploited and harmed. This myth, like several of the other myths, comes from the image of masculinity that boys learn early on. It not only says that males can’t be sexually abused, but that any sexual experience with girls and women, especially older ones, is evidence that he’s a “real man.” Again, the confusion comes from focusing on the sexual aspect rather than the abusive one – the exploitation and betrayal by a more powerful, trusted or admired person (who can be a child or adult). In reality, premature, coerced or otherwise abusive or exploitative sexual experiences are never positive – whether they are imposed by an older sister, sister of a friend, babysitter, neighbor, aunt, mother, or any other female in a position of power over a boy. 

At a minimum, they cause confusion and insecurity. They almost always harm boys’ and men’s capacities for trust and intimacy. Being sexually used or abused, whether by males or females, can cause a variety of other emotional and psychological problems. However, boys and men often don’t recognize the connections between what happened and their later problems. To be used as a sexual object by a more powerful person, male or female, is never a good thing, and can cause lasting harm. Interestingly, many men who were sexually abused by women in their late teens or early twenties become extremely promiscuous with women. This is about power and control. In the victim’s mind, the original woman took his control and power and harmed his masculinity, so he’s never going to let any other female do that to him, “I’m going to do that to you before you have the opportunity to do that to me. Women are my own sex and pleasure objects.”

Fact #7: Most boys and men who are sexually abused or assaulted will not go on to sexually abuse or assault others. This point is especially important, because it can create terrible fear in boys and men. They may not only fear becoming abusers themselves, but that others will find out they were abused and believe they’re a danger to children. Sadly, boys and men who tell others about being sexually abused are often viewed more as potential perpetrators than as guys who need support. While it is true that many (though by no means all) who sexually abuse children have histories of sexual abuse, it is NOT true that most boys who are sexually abused go on to sexually abuse others. The majority of boys do not go on to become sexually abusive as adolescents or adults; even those who do perpetrate as teenagers, if they get help when they’re young, usually don’t abuse children when they become adults.

The best available research suggests that 75% or more of those who commit acts of sexual or physical abuse against others were themselves abused as children. However, the research also indicates that the vast majority of children who are sexually abused do not go on to abuse others. Only a very small percentage will go on to become perpetrators. What about if you have already abused children or other adults? I’m going to add a resource to the episode description to help guide you on how to seek support.

It’s important to note that some men go on to reproduce their sexual trauma with other men to stimulate that arousal (here’s we’re talking about consensual adult relations, not abuse). And again, this doesn’t indicate SSA -- either because it’s only arousal, or because they’re doing it to confirm to themselves that they’re “not gay”. With the latter case, the original trauma left them feeling “dirty, disgusted, ashamed etc.”, they engage in sexual relations with other men and again feel “dirty, disgusted, ashamed etc.”, to prove to themselves that they’re not “gay”. This pacifies them for a while until the insecurities come back in, and they need to go and act out again to prove to themselves that they’re “not gay” or to disprove the mental insecurities and quiet down the shame and mental chatter. The driving force here is what dictates things.

1:27:41
And with this, we have come to the end of today’s episode, which is part I of our 2-episode series on sexual abuse. In the next episode, inshaAllah, we will talk about how to process these experiences with lots of practical tips for healing and recovery. Until next time, stay safe and healthy. This has been Waheed Jensen in “A Way Beyond the Rainbow”, assalamu alaikom wa rahmatullahi ta’ala wa barakatuh.