#61 - On Sexual Abuse (Part II)

*TRIGGER WARNING: Episode discusses themes of sexual abuse, assault and rape*
 
This is part II of a 2-episode series on the topic of sexual abuse, assault and rape.
 
In this episode, we discuss the process of defining and processing sexual abuse experiences and outline stages of healing, practical work and different coping strategies. We also cover the topic of rape, as well as the intricacies involved with disclosing sexual abuse experiences to loved ones. We also offer tips to parents, spouses, family members and friends of individuals who experienced sexual abuse or rape.
 
What are some barriers that prevent sexual abuse survivors from healing and recovering? What are the different stages of recovery, and what are practical recommendations to help me heal? Should I disclose my sexual abuse trauma to my spouse, family or friends, and how can I do that? These and other questions are explored in this episode.

References used and resources mentioned in the episode:
- Dr. Jim Hopper’s website
- Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse, by Mic Hunter
- Trauma and Recovery, by Judith Herman
- The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, by Laura Davis (book and workbook)
- Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing, by Jay Stringer
- Sexual Assault Resource Guide from HealthLine
- Recommended books and films from the "1in6" website

Male-oriented websites, support groups and resources: "1in6" website, Male Survivor website, Mankind Initiative (UK), Dr. Richard Gartner’s website, Living Well website, British Columbia Society for Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse

For males and females:
- Sexual Assault Demonstration Initiative: Online support groups and general resources for survivors of sexual violence
- S.H.E UK
- Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN)
- The Survivors Trust (UK)
- International support: Handbook of International Centers for Survivors of Sexual Assault and Harassment
- National Domestic Violence Hotline (USA)

For parents and families: Stop It Now organization, books and films for parents

Chapters

• 0:38 Episode Introduction
• 2:23 Barriers to Healing
• 6:01 Defining and Processing Unwanted Sexual Experiences
• 15:38 Hunter’s Stages of Recovery
• 39:14 Herman’s Stages of Recovery
• 43:38 Practical Tips and Advice
• 50:35 "Should I disclose to others? How do I do that?"
• 1:01:56 Important Considerations for Incidents of Rape
• 1:05:02 To Parents, Families, Spouses, Friends and Communities
• 1:11:54 Final Words
• 1:14:42 Ending Remarks

Transcript

Waheed 00:38
Assalamu alaikom wa rahmatullahi ta’ala wa barakatuh, and welcome to “A Way Beyond the Rainbow”, this podcast series dedicated to Muslims experiencing same-sex attractions who want to live a life true to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala and Islam. I'm your host Waheed Jensen, thank you so much for joining me in today's episode. Today’s episode is part II of our 2-episode series on sexual abuse. Last episode, we introduced some definitions and statistics, discussed reasons why a lot of survivors of sexual abuse don’t end up telling anyone, examined psychological and emotional repercussions of sexual abuse, as well as some facts and myths that have to be clarified, particularly when it comes to male sexual abuse. In this episode, we will discuss the process of defining and processing sexual abuse experiences, and outline stages of healing, practical work and different coping strategies. We will also cover the topic of rape, as well as disclosing to loved ones, and then offer tips to parents, spouses, family members and friends of individuals who experienced sexual abuse or rape. There is a wealth of resources in the form of support groups, anonymous helplines, books, movies and documentaries, as well as websites that you can find in the episode description, inshaAllah, so make sure to check them out if you need to do so.

A trigger warning as well before we begin this episode given the nature of the content, and like the previous episode, this episode has also been flagged for explicit content. I would like to begin this episode with a quote by Carl Jung who said, “I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”

02:23
Before we talk about healing, we have to identify barriers to healing so we can begin to overcome them. Last episode, we examined some barriers to disclosure, many of which actually overlap with barriers to healing, such as feeling that I won’t be believed or recognized, or that the abuse scenario wasn’t “significant enough” to have the type of reaction I have; denial about sexual trauma, blocking it or refusal to face it; shame and embarrassment, if you tell, it’ll fuel that even further; blaming oneself, particularly if there was arousal or desire involved; misconceptions about masculinity, people don’t believe it happens to men, the need to live in secrecy; fears of negative response to disclosures or having a negative history of disclosures; and loneliness, social stigma, and lack of resources for men. Some survivors live a life that keeps them close and interacting continuously with the perpetrator (e.g. uncle, brother, etc.), or maybe during particular times of the year, like holiday visits, such that disclosing may lead to potential family disruptions.

Healing can not happen without disclosing the trauma and processing it with an individual capable of helping us through the process. Of course, not disclosing is one of the barriers to healing, but there are other barriers. Some of us choose not to be curious about what had happened to us, and instead resort to shame and self-blame. Many men, in particular, are out of touch with their emotional self, do not recognize their needs and feelings, and they keep the masculine veneer up and well.

Some of us feel a sense of helplessness, not having a sense of control over what happened or what we feel as a result. Others are caught up in other negative and numbing behaviors, like drinking, drugs, porn, sexually acting out, etc. Many men, instead of getting the help they need, eventually commit crimes and end up in the penal system. Some are caught up in unhealthy relationships, while others mistrust other people or isolate themselves from others, and instead, they choose to be preoccupied with other matters that keep them away from healing. Remember the survival brain and defense mechanisms we talked about earlier on in the season when we discussed complex trauma, many survivors operate on a fight-flight-freeze response in response to minor triggers. In addition to all this, people may be ambivalent towards the path of recovery and feel helpless that they can’t change things, “it’s just the way it is”, or they may have had negative experiences with therapy before, so they give up on it altogether.

Try and examine what barriers you may have without judging or labeling yourself, and be curious as to why you feel this way. Taking a step into the unknown is anxiety-provoking for sure. Please know that you are not alone. Many of us have been in your shoes. In the remainder of this episode, we will see how to move forward. I hope that, if you feel stuck or reluctant to seek help, you would at least develop some curiosity and check out the resources mentioned so you can take charge of your own healing journey, inshaAllah. No pressure, whenever you’re ready.

06:01
How we define or do not define our own sexual experiences can be important in how we live our lives, grow and heal. Some people might ask, “How do I know that I’ve been sexually abused?” For many of us, particularly men, this is not a question that’s easy to answer. For some, it may not even be a helpful question to ask, at least not at first, because of what a “yes” answer could mean, or appear to mean, for you and anyone else involved in those childhood or teenage experiences. Labels like “abuse” can, in some situations, get in the way of understanding oneself and moving forward in healthy and helpful ways.

That’s why it’s suggested to give more focus on whether an experience is having unwanted effects on you now, how to understand those effects in the most helpful ways, and how to overcome those effects to achieve your goals in life. Some professionals suggest to use the terms “Unwanted or abusive sexual experiences”, which broadly refer to past sexual experiences that can cause a variety of problems, long after they happened. Such experiences may involve acquaintances, family members, partners or even institutions.

By “unwanted”, it doesn’t mean that the experience had to be unwanted when it happened. For example, a boy may feel that he wants sexual contact with an adult (especially if the adult has manipulated him). Instead, think of “unwanted” this way: Looking back now, is that an experience you want to have happened, to be part of your life? Do you want to be having negative thoughts and feelings and behaviors that, looking back now, you suspect or believe are (at least partly) caused by that experience?

For some of us, we’re still processing such unwanted sexual experiences on our own terms. It’s useful to ask these questions: What was that past sexual experience really about? What effects has that experience had on me? Is that a reason why I’m struggling with X or Y?

“What was that sexual experience really about?” may be the most basic, and could take a while to process. It implies other questions, like: Was the other person in a position of power or authority over me? Was I manipulated into doing sexual things, or into believing I wanted to, even when I really didn’t? Did sexual activity change what had been a positive relationship into one that involved secrecy and shame? Was the other person using me and not really considering my experience or my needs? Did the other person take advantage of vulnerabilities I had at the time – feeling isolated and lonely, feeling excited and curious but ignorant about sex?

These questions speak to possible exploitation, betrayal, and disregard for your well-being – experiences that can cause a variety of problems, right away and moving forward. Also, if you were a child, these questions apply to experiences with other children or teenagers, not just adults. No matter how old the other person was, if dominance, manipulation, exploitation, betrayal or disregard for your well-being were involved, the experiences(s) may have contributed to problems that you’re experiencing in your life right now.

It’s important to highlight that the idea here is not to push anyone to condemn or even to label the other person or people involved, who may also have been good to you, and who you may still like, or even love. Also, such experiences may have involved attention, affection and physical sensations that, at the time, you found pleasurable and in some way wanted (e.g., in a confused way mixed up with shame). The point of trying to sort things out, if you choose to do so, is to understand whether – and if so, why and how – the sexual experience(s) may have helped to cause some problems you have now (like problems with shame, anger, addiction, or depression). All of this attempts to sort out what makes sense to you, and for sorting out the options for dealing with your unique experiences and moving closer to the life you want. Ultimately, maybe no definition or label can address the needs or concerns behind your question. It may be that what’s most helpful to you is sorting it out with someone who has the experience, knowledge, and attitude to help you find your own personal answers and meanings, such as a therapist or counselor in your area or check out the links to many counseling resources added in the episode description.

What words people choose, how they speak, how words are interpreted or understood, and how the listener reacts can all have an effect on whether a given situation feels safe or threatening to whoever is present. Some words are commonly used by others in discussions about sexual abuse and assault, words like “predator,”  “perp,” “perpetrator,” “pervert,” “abuser,” “molester,” “sex offender,”  “rapist,”  and “victim”. Using any of these words (and others) about those involved—and experiencing the emotions and the images they evoke—are valid, useful, and perhaps even necessary steps for a man or woman in the process of understanding his/her feelings and the dynamics of the abuse or assault experience.

It’s important to note that getting in touch with anger and loss can be a valuable part of healing. In our healing process, once we come to terms with anger, holding onto defining words like “abuser,” “sex offender,” “perpetrator,” and “victim” runs the risk of forever locking the people who were involved in the abusive interaction into set roles. Always thinking of the person who abused you in that role can also keep them seeming larger than life – and you smaller. With healing comes the realization that in the present, you don’t need to continue to relate to them as an all-powerful adult (or older child); or yourself, forever as a powerless child. One of the most liberating aspects of healing from unwanted sexual experiences is learning that the traumatic experience is something that happened to you, not who you are. And so, we shift the focus to instead highlight experiences, behaviors, and actions, and to avoid using words that suggest an unchangeable identity for anyone involved. That’s one thing to keep in mind.

“Person first” language can be a good way of honoring the range of those feelings  (i.e. “…the friend of my family, who sexually abused me; “ or “…the person who abused me,” rather than “my abuser,” or my “molester”; “people who sexually abuse children are…” rather than “sex offenders are…”). Using real descriptions of who they were in relation to you and what they did actually highlights the betrayal of that relationship, which the abuse caused. It also may become more possible to discuss actions that hurt you with someone who you may still care about.

We also know that the same words can be soothing for one person and triggering for another. For instance, it may be hugely helpful for a man, who has carried around an undeserved sense of shame for a lifetime, to openly and graphically describe the details of his abuse, with someone who is able to offer full focus, comfort and support.  But what is cathartic and releasing for the man speaking, may be triggering and overwhelming for an unsupported listener or reader. What may be useful, healing, and appropriate in a therapeutic setting may be harmful for someone sitting at home alone, or in an audience where there is no support accessible.

Words can trigger anger or outrage, or a sense of hope. They can stir horror, disgust, sadness, powerlessness, recognition of victimization, or a sense of having options for healing, determination, or happiness. Breaking through someone’s defenses to help them focus on how harmful and devastating abuse can be, may cause them to raise the defenses higher, if they don’t see a way out. This may be especially true for men. It’s crucial for healing for a man to find a safe place for discharging anger, for expressing despair, or talking about the depth of the impact as well as the hope and desire to live a healthy, happy life. There’s lots of information and resources to help men find that safe place on the 1in6 website, I encourage you to check it out. And of course, there are other resources that I’ve added in the episode description for both men and women.

15:38
Edith Eger in her memoir The Choice says, “When we force our truths and stories into hiding, secrets can become their own trauma, their own prison. Far from diminishing pain, whatever we deny ourselves the opportunity to accept becomes as inescapable as brick walls and steel bars. When we don’t allow ourselves to grieve our losses, wounds, and disappointments, we are doomed to keep reliving them.”

A model of recovery is described in detail in Mic Hunter’s book, Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse, one of the first books written for men struggling with the effects of unwanted or abusive boyhood sexual experiences. The model comes from Hunter’s experiences of helping men and women sort out and overcome the effects of such experiences. It applies to both men and women dealing with the effects of any kind of child abuse, including emotional and physical abuse.

Hunter found parallels with the five stages of grief, and this makes sense as harmful childhood experiences and their effects are often experienced as causing one to ‘lose’ important aspects of oneself (for example, one’s masculinity or femininity, confidence, trust, or enjoyment of life). So what are the five stages of grief? You may have heard of them before. A model for grief was introduced in 1969 by Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her book, On Death and Dying, and the model involves five main stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Of course, people’s experiences are different, different cultures deal with grief differently, and our experiences may not be linear (such that we go from stage 1 to 5 in order). Sometimes we may progress or regress, other times we may skip stages, and sometimes even the entire model may not apply to us. And that is all OK, because, again, human experiences are versatile and diverse. What this model helps with, however, is understanding how grief works, giving us more insights into natural human emotions that help us deal with trauma, pain and loss, and allowing us to see how this relates to us and how it can help us heal.

The first stage is denial. Denial doesn’t necessarily mean refusing to acknowledge something that is true, though this can be the case. Rather, it refers to a variety of ways that people can – for very good reasons – push memories of unwanted childhood sexual experiences out of their awareness. These ways range from completely ‘blocking out’ or ‘splitting off’ memories, without even realizing it, at one extreme, to intentionally, and often with great effort, trying to stifle and push away any memories and reminders about the experiences, at the other extreme. Most people who have had such experiences, but haven’t yet sorted them out or dealt with their effects, find themselves somewhere in the middle. They have clues that something happened, or fragments of memory that pop into awareness, but these are quickly pushed away or ‘blocked out’ whenever they come into awareness.

We may experience shock or numbness, we may be out of touch with reality, and we may refuse to acknowledge what has happened. We avoid talking about it. We avoid remembering it. We do not want to acknowledge it. This is part of the “survival” brain that shuts out anything painful in order to preserve the human being. We avoid pain and painful experiences, because they are too overwhelming.

There are many reasons that people have for pushing such memories and related thoughts out of their minds. They can trigger unwanted feelings like anger, sadness, fear, or horror. They can trigger unwanted and disturbing thoughts – about one’s masculinity, about important people and relationships in one’s life (past and present), and about what would happen if such memories and thoughts were not always pushed away. If you’re dealing with a relative or loved one who’s going through this, please know that it is neither helpful nor respectful to push or try to convince a man or a woman to look at such memories or information which suggests that he/she may have had childhood sexual experiences that are causing him/her problems now. You may ask questions, but don’t suggest that he/she may have had such experiences before.

On the other hand, as Hunter points out, it can be costly to keep such information out of awareness. In some cases, we invest a lot of time and energy avoiding particular thoughts, emotions, people or places, and this takes away from our time and energy that we could use elsewhere, like at school or at work. It can keep us in constant fear of experiencing any vulnerable emotions that could trigger unwanted feelings, thoughts and memories about the sexual experiences. This also means being unable to experience or tolerate other people’s vulnerable emotions, which is necessary for caring about their suffering and doing the right thing to help.

To be able to get out of this stage, we usually have to acknowledge the reality we have been running away from, and to be willing to face those difficult emotions.

The second stage is the anger stage. We feel angry. This stage begins when one recognizes not only that something had happened, but that it really did harm him or her.

For some people, this is the beginning of believing that what was done to them matters, because they matter. For those who have squelched their anger or been unable to feel it, this may be the first recognition that experiencing and expressing anger can be helpful and healthy.

We may be angry at our parents, siblings and loved ones, we may be angry at friends and colleagues, we may be angry at God, or at ourselves. Remember, again, that the brain is still in “survival” mode – it is running on auto-pilot for the sake of protecting you. The executive and rational faculties are shut down. All of this is normal. Give yourself permission to be human and to be angry. If you do not give yourself the liberty to express these emotions, they will still fester. The pus will still collect.

For some, this ‘opening to anger’ brings fear that they will lose control and hurt other people or themselves. This fear can be valid and healthy. In fact, realistic concerns about anger’s destructive potential tends to protect people from acting out violent thoughts and impulses that are triggered very suddenly.

We need to realize that it’s almost impossible to be simultaneously angry about something done to you and to blame yourself for it. For this reason, getting angry about what happened can bring relief from self-blaming thoughts. It can be the beginning of overcoming the common tendency to blame yourself for ways people took advantage of you when you were younger.

For many of us, the recognition that we are valuable human beings and what happened isn’t our fault can bring a huge sense of relief. Also, the anger may also provide a lot of energy and motivation to make positive changes in one’s life. In these ways, this phase can bring a great deal of healing and progress.

At the same time, this can be a risky period. Anger may become a central player in one’s emotional life. It can ‘spill out’ in ways that are harmful to oneself or others. Or one may now feel ‘justified’ and ‘entitled’ to act in angry ways around people, rather than taking responsibility for one’s actions. So it’s important to note that this stage can bring new challenges and responsibilities.

Another problem is that some people have trouble moving on from this anger stage. Whether consciously or not, they prefer anger to the sadness that is an essential part of recovery. Men especially are vulnerable to getting stuck in the anger phase, because they have been conditioned to feel safe and strong when they are angry, and to fear that sadness equals weakness, even being a victim, even though this is definitely not the case.

Many people find that exercise is a great way to channel the ‘energy’ of anger or ‘vent’ angry feelings. Running, lifting weights, or playing active sports not only helps you channel the energy and release the feelings, but they also increase your sense of being strong and powerful. For some people, hitting a punching bag, or even an old mattress, can be a safe way to release anger when it wells up inside.

Talk to a trusted friend or loved one. Journal about what you are experiencing. Seek help from a professional who can help you navigate these difficult emotions. Maybe join a support group to help you through this. Even though you may not feel like it, but thikr, prayer and connecting with God may help in the process. Breathing techniques and meditation can help you diffuse the anger you are experiencing, acknowledging the fact that it is OK to feel this way, it is part of the process.

Anger itself is the tip of the iceberg. It is a layer that hides the reality of what we are feeling deep down. Anger has been described as a secondary emotion; it is not the main issue, rather, it covers the real deal. Underneath the anger, there may be feelings of betrayal, abandonment, pain, exhaustion, confusion, or helplessness. Just like our “survival” brain protects us from dealing with pain and difficulty at periods of high stress, anger shields us from the intense pain that lurks deep down, giving us a sense of authority and control in some way. Channeling this anger and allowing it to diffuse in a healthy way reveals what is really hiding underneath it. 

In our Islamic tradition, anger was never ignored or attacked, but rather acknowledged and channeled in healthy ways. Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala says, “Those who spend [in Allah's Cause] in prosperity and in adversity, who restrain anger, and who pardon the people; verily, Allah loves Al-Muhsinun (the doers of good)” (Qur’an 3:134). The Prophet (PBUH) also taught his companions, “When one of you becomes angry while standing, he should sit down. If the anger leaves him, well and good; otherwise he should lie down.” He (PBUH) also said, “Whoever controls his anger at the time when he has the means to act upon it, Allah will fill his heart with contentment on the Day of Resurrection.”

So the first stage is denial, the second is anger, and the third stage is bargaining. In other words, “Maybe if I do so and so, the whole situation could be better,” or “Had I done X or Y, it might not have happened.” There is still part of me that does not accept the situation or is afraid to accept it. “If only…” statements that reveal regret, guilt and shame. We are reminded by the Prophet (PBUH) who taught us, “If anything befalls you, do not say, ‘If only I had done such and such.” Rather say ‘Qaddara Allāhu wa-mā shāʾa faʿala (Allah has decreed and whatever He wills, He does).’ For (saying) ‘If’ opens (the door) to the deeds of Shaytan.”

Just like anger gives us a sense of control, bargaining also provides us with a false sense of control in difficult situations. A shift in perspective at this stage is a very powerful step forward: instead of “what if” which focuses on the past or future, try and see what is happening right now, and take control of what is within your capacity. The Companion Ubadah ibn al Samit told his son, “Son! You will not get the taste of the reality of faith until you know that what has come to you could not miss you, and that what has missed you could not come to you. I heard the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) say: ‘The first thing Allah created was the pen. He said to it: Write. It asked: What should I write, my Lord? He said: Write what was decreed about everything till the Last Hour comes.’”

In this stage, we may convince ourselves or others that the experience wasn’t harmful and hasn’t caused us any problems – even though it has. This is not to say that people can’t have unwanted or even abusive sexual experiences that do not cause problems in their lives. This is possible, for example, if the experience only happened once and the child’s life was otherwise full of healthy and positive relationships with family, friends, and other authority figures.

Instead, this stage refers to the experiences of people who are, on the one hand, no longer pushing away the fact that they had a potentially harmful sexual experience, while, on the other hand, they’re not yet ready to deal with the impact it continues to have on them. These mixed feelings are often expressed in thoughts and statements that go like, “Yes, but…”. The ability to doubt the reality of what happened, or its effects on one’s current life, can be very strong at this stage. Sometimes the person attempts to move from denial straight into forgiveness without experiencing any of the emotions related to what happened. Mike Lew, the author of Victims No Longer: The Classic Guide for Men Recovering from Sexual Child Abuse says it beautifully, “True forgiveness does not arise from denial. It can only occur when there has been a complete understanding of what has happened, including the nature of the wrongs and where the responsibility lies.”

In this stage, you might tell yourself, “It didn’t happen enough for it to matter”, “I know what he/she did, and I wanted it”, “it’s my fault that it did happen,” or “I can’t do anything about it now, why would I even bother talking about it?” and so on. Mic Hunter says the following: “When in the bargaining stage, many people find that a constant argument or civil war goes on in their heads: ‘It really happened.’ ‘No, it didn’t.’ ‘Yes, it did.’ This goes back and forth, seemingly forever. If you find this happening, you may find it useful to choose a side and write a letter to yourself or someone else arguing that point, making no attempt to be objective or to see both sides. Once that is done, write another letter arguing the opposite side. Pay attention to your body during the writing of each letter, and listen to what your emotions are telling you”.

When we get to a point where we acknowledge what has happened, a natural human reaction constitutes the next stage, which is “sadness” or “depression”. We feel sad for the loss we have endured. Harmful unwanted or abusive childhood sexual experiences bring many losses –  loss of innocence, of trust in others, of belief in oneself, and of achievements that never happened due to the effects of the unwanted or abusive experiences. Truly facing and reflecting on one’s many losses can bring a great deal of sadness. Sadness is a totally legitimate and justified response to such losses. It can be painful to experience, but coming to know this sadness can bring great strength and deep appreciation and understanding of the suffering that is part of so many people’s lives. During this phase, people can become very sensitive. Not only is their own pain and suffering a lot to handle, but other people, even pets or other animals, can feel very intense. People may be emotionally labile and cry easily.

Mic Hunter says, “As a person moves through the sadness stage, he will notice how his tears change. At first, crying will be very difficult and painful. He may fight back the tears by holding his breath, not making any sound… or shaming himself for needing to cry. Later in this stage, the tears will seem to come from somewhere very deep and are often accompanied by a sense of being a small child. There is often a sense of great loss and loneliness.… Still later in the recovery process the tears are followed by a sense of healing, coming together, wholeness”. In short, in this stage of recovery, one’s experiences of sadness become increasingly healing and strengthening.

In this stage, we also experience a lot of intense emotions like loneliness, helplessness, guilt, fear, pain or abandonment. Those are the real emotions that anger has been helping us avoid. We are no longer running away from things, we are returning to the source. By coming face-to-face with these emotions, we can be overtaken by feelings of sadness and depression. Just like anger was a natural reaction that needed to be channeled in a healthy way, so are these emotions, which are part and parcel of the experience, part of being human and living the human experience.

Just like with anger, dealing with these emotions requires help. Talk to a trusted friend or loved one. Journal about what you are experiencing. Seek help from a professional or support groups to help you navigate these emotions. Spiritual connection with Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, if possible, would help put things in perspective. As the Prophet (PBUH) taught us, “There is no Muslim who is stricken with a calamity and reacts by saying as Allah has commanded: إنا لله وإنا إليه راجعون اللهم عندك احتسبت مصيبتي فأجرني فيها وأبدلني منها خيرا (Truly, to Allah we belong and truly, to Him we shall return. O Allah, with You I seek reward for my calamity, so reward me for it and replace it for me with something better),’ but Allah will reward him for that and compensate him with something better than it.” Breathing techniques and meditation can also help you diffuse the emotions you are experiencing, acknowledging the fact that it is OK to feel this way, it is part of the process, it will get better, inshaAllah. 

Mic Hunter and others have suggested several activities that can help bring about this transformation. One is writing ‘goodbye letters’ to things you have lost because of unwanted or abusive childhood experiences. As Hunter says, “for example, the relationships you never had because of your shame and fear of intimacy, or the type of parents you never had, or the loss of your spontaneity.”

As Allah says in Surat Ash-Sharh, “And, behold, with every hardship comes ease. Verily, with every hardship comes ease!” (94:5-6). Hardship and ease are always intertwined. And notice the association: it is not that after hardship comes ease, but rather with every hardship comes ease. We do not realize this often when we are going through hardships, when things are very dark around us. Whatever we are going through is part of the journey, part of the process of healing. Take things easy, in baby steps. Slowly but surely. At your own pace. All the while remembering God’s promise in Surat Ar-Ra’d, “Gardens of perpetual residence; they will enter them with whoever were righteous among their forefathers, their spouses and their descendants. And the angels will enter upon them from every gate, [saying], "Peace be upon you for what you patiently endured. And excellent is the final home"” (13:23-24).

And the fifth and final stage is acceptance. Mic Hunter describes this and says, “The final stage of grieving begins to take place when the person who was wronged has acknowledged [what happened], felt as well as expressed the emotions he has about it, and begins to put it in proper perspective. He no longer blames himself… or punishes himself for what he did or didn’t do in order to cope… He becomes less and less likely to see himself as helpless, hopeless, and defective. This will make him less vulnerable to further exploitation. He will begin to accept himself and treat himself with respect and affection. Although he will never forget what was done to him, he will be able to stop organizing his life… around it. He will have a scar rather than an open wound”.

Acceptance here does not mean failing to see that what happened was hurtful and wrong. Instead, it means accepting that the past cannot be changed, and coming to peace with it rather than remaining focused on pain or sadness, anger or resentment. While it may be hard to imagine at the beginning of the recovery process, it really is possible to experience a sense of serenity about even the worst childhood experiences and the negative effects they once had. The acceptance of this stage brings great strength and power. The strength and power come from having faced one’s life head-on, having truly experienced the worst of the past, and having arrived at a way of being that is free from either running away from painful truths or getting caught up in them. With acceptance, one can truly ‘move on’ – as a person of greater courage, strength, hope, and wisdom.

Of course, there may still be ups and downs, and that is completely fine. Some days may be better than others. Some days we might find ourselves going back to earlier stages, while other days we may find ourselves progressing further. That is also OK. This is all part of the human experience. Also, sometimes acceptance alone may not be enough, and we may find ourselves trying to find meaning to cope with the pain. Finding meaning can be different between people depending on the trauma and loss they endured. Some people may find that the experience has allowed them to build emotional and mental resilience that they can help others who are going through similar situations, while others may engage in communal projects to educate people, raise awareness and leave behind them a legacy for years to come. 

39:14
In her classic book Trauma and Recovery, Judith Herman presents a three-stage model of recovery which describes in detail the healing process of people who struggle with a combination of problems related to unwanted, abusive, or traumatic experiences, such as difficulty regulating emotions and impulses, emotional numbing, anger and aggression, substance addictions, behavioral addictions (porn, anonymous sex, gambling, etc.), self-harming behaviors (cutting, burning, etc.), or dissociation (spacing out, blanking out, losing time, etc.).

I’m going to briefly outline the three stages here for you to know about them. Of course, they’re done with the help of a therapist and require professional support. The first stage involves setting a roadmap of healing and recovery, establishing safety and stability in one’s body, one’s relationships, and the rest of one’s life, tapping into and developing one’s own inner strengths, and any other potentially available resources for healing, learning how to regulate one’s emotions and manage symptoms that cause suffering or make one feel unsafe, and developing and strengthening skills for managing painful and unwanted experiences, and minimizing unhelpful responses to them.

In the first stage of treatment, these themes and dynamics involving powerlessness, shame and guilt, distrust as well as reenacting abusive patterns in current relationships must be addressed when they are obstacles to safety, self-care, and regulating one’s emotions and behavior. Therapy can help with recognizing habitual behavior patterns, beliefs, and motivations that maintain self-defeating and self-destructive behaviors outside of conscious awareness or reflection.

The second stage of recovery and treatment is known as ‘remembrance and mourning.’ The main work of stage two involves: reviewing and/or discussing memories to lessen their emotional intensity, to revise their meanings for one’s life and identity, etc., working through grief about unwanted or abusive experiences and their negative effects on one’s life, and mourning or working through grief about good experiences that one did not have, but that all children deserve.

After establishing a solid foundation of understanding, safety, stability and self-regulation skills, one can decide whether or not to engage in the work of stage two, being mindful of the potential pain and risks involved. In fact, once the first stage of recovery has provided such a foundation, some people realize that thinking and talking about painful memories is not necessary to achieve their goals, at least in the short term. Some find that the memories are no longer disrupting their life and no longer of much interest to them and can just move on. And that’s OK.

For those who choose to focus on disturbing memories, several ‘memory processing’ methods can be used during this stage. In general, these methods involve re-experiencing the memories within a safe and healing therapy setting. They can be very effective at ending the influence of such memories in one’s daily life. Most importantly, there are very effective therapy methods that have been proven, through years of clinical experience and research, to bring great relief and healing by transforming memories and responses to reminders of harmful childhood experiences, such as EMDR, and other methods as well. EMDR can rapidly transform traumatic memories into non-traumatic ones – and you don’t have to talk about them in detail, if at all, making it a great option for some men and women. Again, the main point here is that there are effective and relatively rapid methods for dealing with intensely distressing memories. People do not have to be tortured by them for years.

The third and last stage of recovery focuses on reconnecting with people, meaningful activities, and other aspects of life. I recommend reading Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman, which describes all three stages of recovery in depth and detail, as these are beyond the scope of the episode. All the references mentioned are added in the episode description, so make sure to check them out.

43:38
As you remember, in episode 46, we talked about many ways to heal from complex trauma. Many of these recommendations and resources apply here, so I invite you to revisit that episode when you can. The info there will have a different flavor now after coming this far in the season. In addition to everything mentioned there, I will emphasize a few extra points here:

• In Alcoholics Anonymous, they say, “We’re only as sick as our secrets.” Our secrets fuel our shame. Carl Jung said, “Shame is a soul-eating disease”. Disclosing the trauma to a professional or to a trustworthy friend/family member who has earned the right and privilege to hear our story is fundamental to healing. That’s vulnerability, and that’s how we heal shame. Remember, vulnerability is courage. 
• Remember that healing from complex trauma involves a relationship element. We can’t do this on our own. Push yourself to develop positive relationships with other men and women. Find healthy mentors who are not going to be a trauma repetition for you and who can be a great source of strength, support and authenticity on your healing journey, with mutual sharing and learning.
• Also, share your story with other survivors. It’s very important to realize that you're not alone, you’re part of a community. Listen to and read stories of hope and triumph. Check out the resources included in this episode for links to online support groups. 
• It’s important to get to a point where we can recognize the child inside who is wounded. Someone took advantage of that child and his/her inability to consent and his/her vulnerabilities. Reconnect with that inner child inside of you (we spoke about inner child work in details back in episode 47, refer to the content there for details). Sometimes we impose our adult thinking on the child, but that’s not fair since we didn’t have those cognitive skills or abilities back then or even the strength to fight off at a young age. Look at other kids who have been abused and think, what were their capabilities? Could they fight off the perpetrators? What if they said no, it wouldn’t have stopped anything anyway, right? Sometimes, in our thinking, what we’re doing is attributing power, ability and control to a child who doesn’t have those qualities yet. Self-compassion is necessary for healing. Reconnect with your wounded self and embrace yourself. That’s how we heal.
• With everything that has happened, you have trapped yourself in a cage. You have to be willing to look inside that cage. Let that wounded inner child out of the cage. It’s up to you as an adult to invite that wounded part of you outside the cage of trauma with the help of therapists and support systems. You can’t do this alone and you don’t have to. This is very important to realize. Help is available when you are ready.
• When you’re ready and able, find out the facts of what happened and rewrite your narrative of the event, including what happened, when and how, including any associated grooming, etc. and that becomes part of your narrative, the true narrative. Bring in facts, recognize your age and woundedness, take out shame and self-blame, find a true sense of meaning and what happened and why it happened. You were at that place and at that time. The person would have abused whoever was there, you happened to be there. And this has nothing to do with you. Recognizing all this leads to giving the blame back to the perpetrator, rather than mistakenly assigning it to you.
• Reconnect spiritually and address any God wounds you may have, like “How could God allow this to happen, does He even exist or is He even merciful if He allowed this to happen?” Return to spirituality and become curious about all these barriers to move past the trauma. A book that I always recommend is Secrets of Divine Love by A.Helwa. That’s a great place to start. 
• Move beyond victim to thriving survival. A great place to start is The Courage to Heal as well as The Courage to Heal Workbook: A Guide for Women and Men Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse by Laura Davis. This resource is phenomenal. You can rewrite your narrative that you’re no longer a victim. Once your abuse stops, you write your narrative that you’re a survivor, you’ve endured. It’s over. You’re dealing with the traumatic effects. But as a survivor, I can decide what I want to do with this. How to move from a survivor to become a thriver, make better and more positive choices. Choosing to live well is the biggest point of revenge on your perpetrator. “I’m going to make proper choices, exercise, eat well, take care of me and my loved ones, be healthy, have healthy relationships, learn how to have intimacy, etc.” That is what becoming a thriver means.
• We spoke about porn, masturbation and sex addictions in recent episodes, and when put in the larger context of complex trauma, we see how things fall into place. For many of us, if we are willing to face our underlying issues and recognize that our feelings come from trauma rather than sexual confusion, our desires to act out sexually often dissipate. When people come to the awareness of what’s driving their sexual behaviors, they can then learn how to control them. One great resource to help with this is Jay Stringer’s book, Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing.
• Rather than avoiding these issues, become curious about your behaviors and reactions, thoughts and feelings. We can never have curiosity and shame at the same time. They’re mutually exclusive. Be curious about your thoughts and feelings. It’s in the details of your story where the culprit usually lies. If you lean into your desires, if you lean into your arousal and attractions and what kind of porn you’re drawn to, it will tell you about the source of what’s keeping this behavior alive in you. Many therapists and professionals can help you break down the cognitive distortions, lies and false beliefs that you have about you or your situation, which may be propellers for you to act out and engage in self-destructive behaviors. And when you work through that with a professional, you can give the blame back to the perpetrator, and then begin to make sense of your internal world, which doesn’t have to be the confusing or terrible place you’ve lived in for years. 

50:35
A common question is, "Should I tell others in my life, like my partner, or family members? How do I do that?" Telling someone about something you’ve held a secret for a long time is a big deal. You may have good reasons to fear a bad response. You may be putting an important relationship and yourself at risk: Will she reject me? Will he shame me? Will they say it can’t be true or that I’m just making excuses? Planning and preparation are essential. Maybe you have fears that don’t actually reflect what the other person will think, feel or say. After all, how can you know for sure? At the same time, you may have more control than you think over how it will go and what the results will be.

It’s really important to reflect on your motives and goals for disclosing what happened. As you think it through, you may realize that some motives aren’t healthy or helpful, and that some goals may be unrealistic and would set you up for disappointment or worse. Also, if you really understand why you want to disclose, and what you hope will come of it, you’re much better positioned to do it in the most effective way. In some cases, this means accepting that you have multiple motives and goals, not all of them so healthy, and doing your best not to let the unhealthy ones run the show. Or it may mean preparing in advance for a response that is inevitably disappointing in some way, because you know the other person isn’t likely to respond exactly as you hope.

So why would one tell others? One primary reason is to get validation and moral support. The goal is acknowledgment and support from significant others, friends or family. It may help your healing to know that you are believed by someone, that what had happened to you is understood and appreciated by someone important to you. For some, one aspect of validation is confirmation from the other person, if they are in a position to provide it, that memories of yours are probably or definitely true. For example, you might tell another family member who confirms that he or she had similar experiences, or even witnessed some of what had happened to you. For others, it’s about “getting it out.” The goals are breaking the secret and the burden of keeping it, and reducing shame. For many men, these words of Richard Gartner ring true: “Telling what happened, putting the unutterable into words, is a large part of healing. As you tell other people, you’re also telling yourself. You’re putting together the full story of your life. The most important person who needs to know that story is you”.

Another reason would be to explain past or present behaviors. The goal is to give others a better understanding of why you may have certain problems, such as problems with sexual performance, trusting people, depression, or seemingly irrational fears. This doesn’t mean you have no responsibility for dealing with those problems now, but that there’s a good reason you have them and that they aren’t easy to overcome. Some might tell to get sympathy from others. The goal here is different than explaining past behaviors. Though one might not be fully aware of it, the goal here might be to “justify” or “excuse” one’s failures to do certain things. It may also be about creating a “victim identity.” A man who tells everyone about his abuse may be doing it to get sympathy.

Sometimes the goal from revealing is to let someone know that his or her children may not be safe around the person who used or abused you. Other times, you might tell key people who will be available for support, should you decide on a planned confrontation – with the person who used or abused you, or someone who allowed it to happen or didn’t protect you. There are of course other reasons, some positive and others possibly self-defeating, for telling others about unwanted childhood sexual experiences. Unless it’s done to protect children from an unrevealed perpetrator, it should be for the benefit of the person who is doing the telling.

In addition to the “why”, it’s important to think about who you tell, where and when you say it, how you bring it up, as well as why you are doing so. These are all important planning considerations. Thinking very carefully about these things will give your plan a much greater chance of success.

Who? Choose someone who is most likely to believe and support you, even if that means waiting until later to tell them. As Richard Gartner cautions, "Be selective… You’ll know in your gut who [is most likely to be supportive]. Even so, be prepared for letdowns. Not everyone can handle what you have to say. For example, if they… suffered from childhood abuse and haven’t dealt with it, they may not be as receptive as you had hoped." When it comes to telling family members, Mic Hunter is even more cautionary: "Be prepared to be punished if you tell the secret. It is not fair, but it often happens. This is one reason why having a strong support network is so important: so that if you are rejected by your family, you will have supportive people to turn to… If you are planning to tell your siblings or other family members about what happened and what you are doing about it, remember how difficult it was for you to accept [what happened] and its impact – your family [could] have at least as much denial."

Where? As a general rule, private places are better than public places. But if you fear a negative or perhaps threatening or dangerous reaction, a public place will probably be safer.

When? You will want the person’s full attention, and time to process the news. When the person is heading out the door to work, is busy, or about to go to sleep, for example, these are not good times to tell.

How? It can be face-to-face, over the phone, or in a letter or email. Each method has its advantages and disadvantages. Some feel that breaking serious news needs to be done face-to-face. However, in some situations, particularly where there might be a negative reaction, or the person may take you away from the direction you are trying to go, a phone call or letter/email may be better. A letter or email may be a good choice if you have difficulty expressing yourself with words while feeling under pressure, or if the person being told has a tendency to interrupt or side-track conversations. The letter format, or writing out what you want to say ahead of time, can really help with saying clearly and precisely what needs to be said. Also, something in writing can be revised, many times, until it expresses just what you want to say. Writing it out ahead of time may also allow it to be read, whether face-to-face or over the phone, without interruption.

Once you’ve gone through this process – of thinking through the goals and various aspects of your plan – you can tell someone with confidence that you’re likely to be successful, inshaAllah. Of course, there are no guarantees, because we can never control how other people respond to what we tell them. But good planning greatly increases the odds of good outcomes. When telling someone is successful, it brings healing to you, including increasing your sense of personal power and your knowledge that your experiences really matter and your needs can be met. Even if you don’t tell anyone in your family, it can be very helpful to you. It can bring more support and understanding from friends and other important people in your life. Finally, it can be very helpful to discuss your goals and plans with a therapist who has lots of experience in this area, especially one who knows you well and who you really trust. Therapists can help not only with sorting through your goals and plans, but with practicing and providing support if it doesn’t go well or has unintended and challenging consequences. My suggestion first and foremost is to pray istikharah, make duaas and share this with your counselor, therapist or support group, in preparation for you having that discussion with your significant other, family member or friend.

What about telling your current or future spouse? If it’s early in the relationship, it’s possible the other person could become scared and pull back in a big way. This is particularly true of those who believe the myth that most people who were sexually abused or assaulted will go on to abuse others. 

As with sharing any other highly personal and sensitive information, it makes sense to wait until you have established a foundation of genuinely knowing and trusting each other. Do they know you well enough to see this information as important but not totally defining who you are? Do you have enough information to know whether you can trust them to have a sincere and thoughtful response? Whatever initial response they have, and however you react to that, does your relationship so far suggest that you’ll be able to get past any misunderstandings or hurt feelings? 

If the relationship is many months or even years old, then you probably have a good sense of how they’ll react. If you don’t, then maybe you don’t know each other as well as you thought, and it might be worth thinking about why that’s the case. If your relationship is well-established, if you feel pretty confident about getting a supportive response, and if you feel ready to tell them, then it’s probably OK. Still, it’s a good idea to plan how and when you’re going to bring it up.

One other thing to consider is, might the other person have a history of abuse? This can cut both ways. If they have acknowledged what happened and made progress in understanding and dealing with the effects, they are more likely to be supportive. But if they have not recognized or acknowledged abuse that has negatively affected them, then they might freak out or even get angry about having to deal with your experience. The classic feared response here is, “Listen, I got over it. You should too.” Even someone who’s made real progress dealing with their own rough past may feel like, “It’s enough to deal with the effects of my own past, I just can’t take on yours too.” If you think this is possible, timing could be very important. In general, it’s not a good idea to bring it up when the other person is stressed or overwhelmed about other things in their life or their relationship with you. But if they’re feeling pretty good and confident, they’re less likely to feel overwhelmed by anything you might tell them.

Of course, for some men, only when a crisis hits the relationship do they think, “Maybe telling about those experiences could be helpful.” This can especially be true if the crisis was brought on by behaviors resulting from unwanted or abusive childhood sexual experiences. It can feel like you have to tell, so the other person will “understand why I did that” or realize “I’ve been hiding a secret that’s created a wall between us.” Even – or especially – in situations like that, it’s best not to tell in an unplanned or impulsive way.

1:01:56
Everything discussed so far in these two episodes refers to previous unwanted sexual experiences. What if sexual assault has just happened, like if someone has just been raped? A couple of things are important to take into consideration:

• Consider your immediate safety. Call the police if you believe you’re in direct danger. Leave any location or situation that doesn’t feel safe. Call a local or national resource center to seek shelter and assistance (links to those are added in the episode description).
• Find someone who can help you. This can be a trusted family member or friend. It can also be an advocate from a local crisis center.
• Seek medical care. You can get treatment for injuries from a clinic, doctor’s office, or hospital emergency department. You can seek medical care without reporting what happened to law enforcement. The choice to seek medical treatment is yours alone.
• If you want to undergo an examination for the purposes of pressing charges against the individual who assaulted you, you’ll need to seek out a facility that provides this service. An advocacy organization can provide you with a list of facilities in your area. They can also provide you with an assault advocate. If you’d like, this person can join you for your initial exam and any subsequent appointments. You may also consider bringing a trusted friend or family member. Many advocacy groups can also provide financial assistance or connect you to organizations that can.
• Consider getting a sexual assault examination, or a “rape kit.” This preserves potential DNA evidence. In the event you decide that you do want to proceed with official charges, this kit will be invaluable for the proceedings. I’m going to add a link from “Healthline” which includes details on what the “rape kit” involves, as well as details of what the police report normally includes, how to find legal support and advice, as well as links to multiple relevant organizations.
• Write down what you remember. If you decide to report the assault in the future, this information may be helpful to you and police officers.
• Find mental health support. Your local crisis center can connect you with professionals skilled in this area of support.
• Figure out your next steps. A sexual assault service provider can help answer any questions you may have. They can also connect you with resources you may need, including legal and medical options.
• Many organizations provide online chats, forums, or texting options. These choices may be useful if you need to seek help discreetly. If you’re worried about being monitored online, be sure to look for “Quick Exit” tabs on these sites. These buttons allow you to quickly leave a site if you’re worried about being seen. If you think your search history may be monitored, make sure you clear your browsing history. You can also use your browser’s incognito (private) mode. It won’t track your online activity.

1:05:02
To parents, families, spouses, friends and communities: If you’re just beginning to deal with this, our most important advice: take care of yourself, and don’t push the individual who experienced abuse/assault. The better you take care of yourself, the more effectively you can support him/her. You’ll be more able to take a break when you’re getting overwhelmed, manage feelings like anger and sadness, and reach out for help when you need it. You will also be a model of self-care for him/her, and more likely to stick with him/her (in ways that are healthy for you), even in the hardest times.

Pacing yourself is important, too. It’s possible to learn a lot about sexual abuse and assault pretty quickly, but you don’t have to figure everything out right away. If you don’t pace yourself, going full steam ahead can create new problems. Before trying to share what you learn with the person you’re concerned about, take some time to “digest” the information for yourself. Take time to sort through your own feelings, beliefs, and needs. And take time to consider what might be the most effective way to talk with him/her.

Please don’t push the person or make a plan or whatever. When we push others to get help, we’re often responding more to our own (difficult to tolerate) feelings than to the other person’s needs. The other person might sense this, resist, and push back. At that point, it can become a struggle that helps neither person—especially the person who could really benefit from finding help.

As you focus on taking care of yourself, you may need to let the other person know (without threats or ultimatums) that, while you respect their needs and pace, your needs are equally important and you have your own pace—including for coming to decisions about your relationship with them.

What about practical tips to help you understand more and provide proper help? Go through the content of the two episodes and take notes. Check out the resources mentioned throughout the two episodes and check the episode descriptions for links to different websites. Seek help and counseling to understand this matter more, and develop tools and techniques to help yourself and the person who has experienced the trauma. There are also books that you can read, including first-person narratives, as well as movies and documentaries on the topic that you can watch. Links to all these are also included in the episode description. Finally, survivor stories are a huge asset to read/listen to. Check these out online or talk to others who have been through this as well. There is so much to learn from in terms of dealing with pain, healing and resilience.

Whether biological parents or other caregivers, you are responsible for the well-being of the children you are entrusted with. You are entrusted with supplying the nutrients for the children’s physical, emotional, mental, spiritual and social development. The fact that mistakes or traumas happen in many cases may be beyond us. It’s easy to slip into shame and self-blame, but it takes courage and work to fix the problem, grow and heal. Attend to the problem when it arises, do not postpone or ignore it. If an incident happens, investigate immediately and do not let it slide. Never let it slide. Seek therapy, counseling and support to help the victim/survivor process the trauma. Attend to it at its early stages to allow for better chances of healing. And always offer love, love and love. There are many references out there, I have included valuable resources to this episode, including books for parents and professionals to help kids deal with the aftermath of sexual abuse.

Be conscientious and keep in mind their personalities, communicate that your children are worthy, valuable and lovable. Teach them that vulnerability is not a weakness, and that expressing emotion is valid. Be a good listener, and try to hear what’s being said in between the lines (i.e. not just what the child is telling you, but also what is not being said, what is being hidden). If kids are angry, try to investigate what is underneath that anger (remember, anger is a secondary, not primary emotion, there’s always something underneath it, like pain, frustration, disappointment, etc.). Ask questions without making judgments or being defensive or presumptuous, allowing them to articulate their thoughts and concerns. Be cognizant and aware. Be a good investigator and try to find out what has happened, and be aware of what they’re exposed to through the media and other people. 

Educate your kids about sex and sexuality. Taking age-appropriate advice into account, you can teach them from a young age about their bodies, types of touch, privacy and guidelines about appropriate conduct, modesty and sex, they will internalize this from a young age, as opposed to learning about this from media or friends. Let it be ingrained in them that their bodies are sacred territory. No one should ever come into contact with them without their permission, not even for a hug or a kiss. Allow for an environment where they can share everything with you without fear or judgment. Be wary of any mood changes, and ask questions to make sure your child, sibling, relative (or whoever that child may be) is safe. Teach them to trust their gut feelings and to tell their parents when someone has touched them inappropriately, and to never be afraid of sharing their experiences. Tell them that you will be there to support and love them no matter what. 

General points to our communities: let us not hide behind our fingers anymore. Child abuse and pedophilia are rampant in Muslim communities, unfortunately, and it hurts to say this. But that is the truth. It has nothing to do with religion (a disclaimer statement that we just have to mention, and frankly, it has become exhausting). I have witnessed and read countless stories of boys and girls who went through this kind of trauma. I have received e-mails throughout the years from brothers and sisters who have endured rape and sexual abuse as kids, teens and even as adults. The trauma is long-term and very incapacitating. This is independent of religiosity, socioeconomic status or level of education. This is a real social problem that is shoved in the closet.

Please do not shy away from discussing these topics in your schools, mosques and social gatherings. It is about time that we engage in this conversation. Trauma, if unhealed, can last a lifetime. Reach out a helping hand, for there are many suffering souls out there. You never know, you might actually save someone’s life.

1:11:54
For victims and survivors of childhood abuse (of any kind), or adult abuse, including rape, please know that my heart and mind are with you. We are with you. Many of us were there. Many of us are still there. It is never OK for anyone to hurt you, do something that makes you feel scared or uncomfortable, take advantage of you, or threaten you with anything. It is not your fault that this happened to you. It never was. You did not ask for it. You did not want it. Even if your mind tells you otherwise. It was a violation of your sanctity as a human being. If arousal took place on your behalf, it was nothing more than a physiological response, and it had nothing to do with volition. You never chose this. You were preyed upon, and it has nothing to do with your physical or mental strength, willpower, personality, dress, demeanor, or anything else related to you. No matter what anyone says. You own your narrative. Period.

Focus on what you have control over. It was not your choice to become a victim. Use this as a bridge to reclaim your power and redefine your life, shifting the perspective from that of a “victim” (victimhood) to “survivor” (victimized). That is a path available to you when you choose to walk it. You can not do it alone, and you do not have to, either. Give yourself permission to seek help from trusted individuals in your life, and seek professional help to help you navigate the pains and traumas you have been through. Baby steps. Slowly but surely. Another empowering step is trying to regain ownership of your body. Physical activity and exercise, such as running, martial arts and yoga, as well as activities like mindfulness and meditation, can help you reconnect with your body and regain agency over it.

And, finally, remember the ultimate justice of Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala. Whether you get your justice in this world or not, there will come a Day where He will avenge you to the full extent. Every ounce of pain you have experienced will be accounted for. He is with you. Always. Until that Day, focus on you and what you can do to help yourself grow and heal. 

You can not change the beginning of your story, but with the help of Allah, you have the power to change the ending. You can turn the entire narrative around. I pray you escape your trauma and pain, for I wholeheartedly testify that there is a chance for healing. A chance for a new life. New love. New hopes and dreams. You deserve it. 

01:14:42
And with this, we have come to the end of today’s episode, which is part II of our 2-episode series on sexual abuse. I would like to end this episode with a quote by the late Maya Angelou who said, "I can be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it." If you are a survivor of unwanted or abusive sexual experiences, it has been my honor speaking to you in these episodes. This topic will forever be a passion of mine, and it would be my honor to hear your story if you ever feel like sharing it with me. You can email me anytime on: awaybeyondtherainbow@gmail.com. I would love to hear what you thought about the content. And if any part has helped you one tiny bit, I am forever grateful. In the next episode, inshaAllah, my friend Aadam will be joining me again this season, and we will talk about self-discipline and self-esteem. Until next time, stay safe and healthy. This has been Waheed Jensen in “A Way Beyond the Rainbow”, assalamu alaikom wa rahmatullahi ta’ala wa barakatuh.